Always sick and tired?

[matilda19]

So my SO is basically always sick or tired or has a headache. Without fail. If and when things are going well and we are having a nice day without fail at some point she will 'be tired' or 'I have a headache' and the day takes a turn for the worse. Often I think 'here we go again'. I have tried many things. Simply ignoring it and pretending it isn't happening and enjoying and going about my day as normal which often triggers her as I am 'uncaring'. Engaging with it and asking questions and attempting to improve her mood is often met with hostility ('just leave it' being a favourite response of hers). I am sick of this. It feels false and put on. Like a physical manifestation of how she is feeling inside but it just spirals. Why can't she just be happy and enjoy our time together? We are having a nice time so ignore the headache or do something internally to imrpove your own mood but don't bring down mine. Why does everything have to be tarnished? I am always trying to get to the bottom of this and once I think I have unlocked one aspect there is another that just bothers me no end. Does anyone else encounter this? How do you best deal?

[Loosestrife]

Hi Matilda

It sounds likes you are going through a devaluing stage. My advice is to be aloof, stop asking her how she is and just do your own thing. She may try to cause conflict to start with, but try to keep your zen and just calmly tell her she's always invited if she feels up to it. I find eventually my SO comes round and starts suggesting things we can do together.

L

[Mike-X]

Sorry. How is your SO typically presenting this and under what contexts? Would you mind giving more details on how you are responding?

[LonelyChild]

My BPDxgf was the same way. It got worse during our r/s. Towards the end, we couldn't do anything because something always bothered her. Migraines, stomach aches, back aches, ankle pain, tiredness, depression. There was always something so that we couldn't go out and enjoy the day. And no matter what it was, it was always my fault.

[matilda19]

Sorry. How is your SO typically presenting this and under what contexts? Would you mind giving more details on how you are responding?

Well for example we had planned to go to a friends place for dinner last night. She had been talking about it all week and was excited. They had just moved in and had a new dog and so on so it was going to be a nice night. We had the whole day to prepare and to just hang out and enjoy our time. Shop for the dinner and have a coffee just normal nice activities. But she woke up in a foul mood and basically first thing we did was have a fight. I managed to calm her down and things were going smoothly again and she seemed happy and up for it and then we are out doing some errands and all of a sudden she is really tired and needs to go home. So we do and she sleeps for the rest of the afternoon. Wakes up intermittently to tell me she is feeling sick and has a headache and really doesn't want to go for dinner but I stay strong and say that we have a commitment and also it will be fun. She just says she is too tired and goes back to sleep. So I take the time to do some me stuff. Go for a run. Go to the gym. Give her a bit of time just to maybe relax and come back. But sure enough she is no better when I return. I basically force her to go which makes me a horrible person but then when we arrive she is completely lovely and fine and we have a great time. She also feels bad because she had planned to make some dishes but due to sleeping all afternoon hadn't done anything. THEN as soon as we leave she is back into it. Doesn't feel well and is telling me I am a horrible person for making her go. Telling me that I don't care about her. So when we get home I can't handle it and go for a run just to relax (which obviously triggers her abandonment and was stupid of me to do so but I just needed to chill out).

That is just one example. Sorry if it is a bit coherent but maybe you get the idea. This kind of behaviour occurs almost anytime we have something to do or have free time to spend together. She will often complain that we don't have enough time to spend together and yet when we do have time she will do something that will inevitably ruin the experience.

[Lucky Jim]

She will often complain that we don't have enough time to spend together and yet when we do have time she will do something that will inevitably ruin the experience.

This is a great example of the type of paradox faced in a BPD r/s.  A pwBPD fears abandonment, but will push you away hard.  A pwBPD seeks serenity, but behaves in turbulent and chaotic fashion.  A pwBPD wants love, yet acts hostile and belligerent.  Their actions tend to bring about the exact opposite result from what they hope to achieve.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, as I've been in your shoes.  Yet in my view this is a typical pattern of BPD behavior.

LuckyJim

[Mike-X]

It sounds like you are doing a good job not taking things personally and managing your emotions and mental health. What do you know about validation and BPD, and what have you tried in these situations?

[zeus123]

Phase one: IDEALIZATION

phase two:DEVALUATION... this the stage that you are in now.

phase three: DISCARD.

These 3 phases are self-fulfilling prophecy for a BPD person.

if i was you i will be watching very carefully for the coming of phase three and i will abandon her before she does it to me. it will hurt less.

[Loosestrife]

Lots of advice... .Have you tried to have an open and frank conversation with her?

[once removed]

from the article archive, "how a borderline relationship evolves":

"The world ails her. Physical complaints are common. Her back hurts. Her head aches. Peculiar pains of all sorts come and go like invisible, malignant companions. If you track their appearance, though, you may see a pattern of occurrence connected to the waning or waxing of your attentions. Her complaints are ways of saying, "don't leave me. Save me!" And Her maladies are not simply physical. Her feelings ail her too."

it was quite an eye opener for me.

[Kelli Cornett]

Stumbled upon this thread and thought I'd resurrect it, as it so completely illustrates many of the years of frustration I've had with my uBPDw.
Always not feeling well especially if we had the day to spend together or with the kids, always in a bad mood or starting some kind of issue if we have the day together, and towards the end, heavy dissociation for hours at a clip when we had time together with just us or the entire family. Even openly talked about how the best times in her life were when she was younger before she had a husband and children IN FRONT OF ME AND THE KIDS, even though previously she said her dream was to have a family and be a mother. It's as if she didn't just split me and go from idealization to devaluation/discard with me and our marriage, she did it with her whole life including her being an active mom in her kids' lives.

Funny, but it's hard to think of one family trip in which she didn't attempt to control, manipulate, or sabotage it with some kind of issue. Our oldest child started noticing it as well and started coming to me asking about what was going on with mom, and that's one of the things that finally cemented the fact that this wasn't about me being moody or a bad husband (I know, typical codependent reaction on my part).

And regarding zeus123's post about the three stages... as soon as I started fixing my codependency issues and stopped reacting to her drastic and dramatic actions, I got one last massive idealization phase, soon followed by a massive devaluation phase and the final discard. It's like it all came right off the pages of the BPD script.