I do not want to, but It appears I must leave.

[hurthusband]

My wife had been going back and forth while.  She lost both her parents 3 months ago and since that point, lost her job, her best friend, and has spiraled down hill.  She hates my mother and thinks my mother let her down and is a liar and horrible person.  I work with my mother to make matters worse

Yesterday after saying how she does not love me anymore, and hates me... I told her that I know she is in tremendous pain, and while she thinks I have no clue what true pain is, that she is putting her pain on me and I nearly have the same pain as her.  She went bezerk.  Saying I said I Was in as much pain as her.  Even if I said that I am not sure if that is so bad.

She is talking about dying constantly, she is now aenorexic and bulemic.  She is isolated and alone.  She has said I am a pussy, I am a monkey boy, pathetic, she has no respect for me, she thinks I am a failure and a loser.  She thinks all my interests are stupid and I am stupid.  She thinks I am a bad father and bad husband and a liar and a thief.   She has told me that she is going to tell the police I hit her when I have never, and she has told me she is going to tell my business that I am stealing from them in addition to turning myself and mother into IRS for nothing that I am aware of, but who knows what might come out of that.  She then calls me saying she is alone and isolated.  I try and explain that I want to help her but I cannot help her if she is going to be nasty to me when I try to. 

I do not see how I can go back now with those kind of threats though.  She told me that she wrote me out of her will and that I will never be allowed to be with the step children.  She maxed my credit cards and told me all her money from inheritance is going to her sister now, and that she will die and its my fault.

I feel reduced to nothing.  I know I can fight back, but doing so will crush any life she has left.  Just telling her she is hurting me is horrific.  I told her, her parents would be ashamed of her behavior and she acting like I punched her.  She says she hopes my mother and sister die and she cant wait for it.  She said once she does not care if I die...

There is no family of hers to support her.  Her sister is all that left and she said she is staying out of it.  If she attacks my mother, my mother will fight back and hurt her.  I do not see what can be done with my wife.  Her therapist is to the piont that she needs to go away for awhile, but she is refusing and says while she wants to die and she is wasting away she will not kill herself...

i feel she is pushing every button to have me kill myself.  I feel that she wants my blood, but will then regret it and hurt.  I have nothing left neither at this point.  I have a career that is holding onto a thread, I have no family nor friends though all of this... I have no place to even sleep but my office.  I insisted on staying at home and asserting i have a right and i will not come near her but that is when she threatened with police.  The irony is she has physically assaulted me and says it never happens now

[oneloveonelife]

My wife had been going back and forth while.  She lost both her parents 3 months ago and since that point, lost her job, her best friend, and has spiraled down hill.  She hates my mother and thinks my mother let her down and is a liar and horrible person.  I work with my mother to make matters worse

Yesterday after saying how she does not love me anymore, and hates me... I told her that I know she is in tremendous pain, and while she thinks I have no clue what true pain is, that she is putting her pain on me and I nearly have the same pain as her.  She went bezerk.  Saying I said I Was in as much pain as her.  Even if I said that I am not sure if that is so bad.

She is talking about dying constantly, she is now aenorexic and bulemic.  She is isolated and alone.  She has said I am a pussy, I am a monkey boy, pathetic, she has no respect for me, she thinks I am a failure and a loser.  She thinks all my interests are stupid and I am stupid.  She thinks I am a bad father and bad husband and a liar and a thief.   She has told me that she is going to tell the police I hit her when I have never, and she has told me she is going to tell my business that I am stealing from them in addition to turning myself and mother into IRS for nothing that I am aware of, but who knows what might come out of that.  She then calls me saying she is alone and isolated.  I try and explain that I want to help her but I cannot help her if she is going to be nasty to me when I try to. 

I do not see how I can go back now with those kind of threats though.  She told me that she wrote me out of her will and that I will never be allowed to be with the step children.  She maxed my credit cards and told me all her money from inheritance is going to her sister now, and that she will die and its my fault.

I feel reduced to nothing.  I know I can fight back, but doing so will crush any life she has left.  Just telling her she is hurting me is horrific.  I told her, her parents would be ashamed of her behavior and she acting like I punched her.  She says she hopes my mother and sister die and she cant wait for it.  She said once she does not care if I die...

There is no family of hers to support her.  Her sister is all that left and she said she is staying out of it.  If she attacks my mother, my mother will fight back and hurt her.  I do not see what can be done with my wife.  Her therapist is to the piont that she needs to go away for awhile, but she is refusing and says while she wants to die and she is wasting away she will not kill herself...

i feel she is pushing every button to have me kill myself.  I feel that she wants my blood, but will then regret it and hurt.  I have nothing left neither at this point.  I have a career that is holding onto a thread, I have no family nor friends though all of this... I have no place to even sleep but my office.  I insisted on staying at home and asserting i have a right and i will not come near her but that is when she threatened with police.  The irony is she has physically assaulted me and says it never happens now

wow brother , thats rough, i can only imagine hwo torn you are right now, especially when its your wife , life partner and best friend... I just broke up with my BPD girlfriend, when it was all going on she pulled a knife on me, attacked me several times, when i was going to phone the police she said she would put in a rape charge against me even though i never gave the police the address or her name... Since then its been hell but i wont bore you with the nitty gritties... All i can day really my friend is i dont think you should go back, i would say try loving from a distance and in the mean time build yourself up n try let go a bit , remember who you are , which to me sounds like a thoroughly good person. All you want is for your spouses pain to stop and for the badness to come to an end , i know when my gf was cutting herself considering suicide etc all i wanted to do was hug her til the pain went away, we have to save ourselves to be able to save anyone else ... As in writing this i feel as though in saying this to you but also myself as i feel the urge to back and try again but realistically its too soon, the wounds are too fresh Andy you both need time to heal ... But still would probably say support her where you can as she sounds very vulnerable right now... Nobody wants to feel like that ... .Just remember to keep strong and sain , hope this post helps somewhat , reading yours has made me feel not so alone in all of this . . I will pray for both you and your family . One love brother. youre a good manl

[hurthusband]

thanks... i will say this... BPD... it might really just be a demonic possession because it just makes no sense...   it all started actually just cause I went to Church and it ran over a bit

[OnceConfused]

I can understand how you feel. It is so easy with BPD that we are reduced to just a DOOR MAT.

I think it is kind of crazy when she threatened to allow you not to be with the step children. Mind you that this is NOT your children, they are hers. THe threat is a real joke.

She threatened to leave you out of her will. May I ask what she has to pass on as inheritance when she has no money, deeply in debt?

just be careful, otherwise in her craziness moment she can claim that you either rape her or assault her. THen you will be in a world of trouble.

I have been following your story and have been wondering when you will come to some conclusions

[hurthusband]

you are right... its some scary stuff and I am not sure.  The one problem/blessing I have is I am easily able to forgive people.  I can get past and not dwell on people's flaws pretty easy.  It is nice because I do not have anger nor hate that builds up in me and I do not stress long over people who have harmed me.  The downside to that is it enables me to get hurt again and again.

The odd thing is that my wife is the complete opposite.  Her main problem is she obsesses about transgressions against her and almost needs to have people pay for their mistakes.  We could probably use some of each habit on that issue

irony is that I am the one clinically diagnosed as having OCD

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hurthusband, I find your position interesting because a lot of folks on this board want to leave, but don't know how to do it, yet you want to stay, but she's forcing your hand to go.  Does that about sum it up?  What are your gut feelings?  What do you really want to do, deep down?  Is it fair to say that, to you, it feels like you are between a rock and a hard place?  At what point will you decide to treat yourself with kindness and respect?  Until then, it's going to be rough sledding, in my view.

LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

You should ask about recording apps for your phone on the Legal board. I know such things exist.

Having recordings of her saying she will make false accusations about you to the police, to your employer, or others could be really helpful to you if she actually does follow through on those threats.

If she's made those threats in email, text message, or voicemail, all the better--you already have a record of them. Keep those records someplace safe, like at your office.

[hurthusband]

might need to check into recording apps... she wanting to be back together now... i am just confused

[Grey Kitty]

Do you want to move back into the house with her?

Does it feel safe to you?

[OnceConfused]

If you have a smart phone, like android or iphone, it will have the voice recording function. You can turn it on secretly then quietly put in down on the table or on the chair, without her noticing it.

[Aussie0zborn]

Use the voice recorder in your smartphone. Go to the police now and tell them your concerns. Ask to make a written statement. If your state doesn't admit non-consensual sound recordings in court, you can at least play the sound recordings to the police when you get arrested.

You seem very weak like I was. No wonder she hates you. You need to grow some balls and admit that... .

1. Nothing will get better

2. You are not qualified to help her

3. You need help from a therapist

4. She could put you in jail for something you didn't do.  She is dangerous for you.

5. The relationship was over a LONG time ago.

6. And did I mention you need help from a therapist?

Talking the first step is hard. Taking the second step is even harder because you might turn around and just go back. Get some help for yourself so that when you finally have the balls to  leave her you do it for the right reasons and you don't run back to her a like sick little puppy dog. She will hate you even more if you do this and then the "punishment" is worse.

[hurthusband]

Use the voice recorder in your smartphone. Go to the police now and tell them your concerns. Ask to make a written statement. If your state doesn't admit non-consensual sound recordings in court, you can at least play the sound recordings to the police when you get arrested.

You seem very weak like I was. No wonder she hates you. You need to grow some balls and admit that... .

1. Nothing will get better

2. You are not qualified to help her

3. You need help from a therapist

4. She could put you in jail for something you didn't do.  She is dangerous for you.

5. The relationship was over a LONG time ago.

6. And did I mention you need help from a therapist?

Talking the first step is hard. Taking the second step is even harder because you might turn around and just go back. Get some help for yourself so that when you finally have the balls to  leave her you do it for the right reasons and you don't run back to her a like sick little puppy dog. She will hate you even more if you do this and then the "punishment" is worse.

well i have a psychiatrist, she has one and a psychologist but they are not much help

[Aussie0zborn]

Forget about her, our only interest here is YOU.

What are they not much help?

Please don't quote me, just a straight answer will do - thanks.

[hurthusband]

the psychologist is only BPD person i found in town and seems to not be tough enough for her.  She also sided with me it seemd to her in a couple of sessions we did jointly at my wife's request.  The psychiatrist I do not know hwat is going on.  She has her taking stimulants and with all her depression and death of two parents she has her on anxiety meds... ie xanax rather than anything for depression

Last night... so it was a long hard day at work and my wife was great and supportive.  She was excited to see my cousin who had always been my best friend until he moved away about 9 years ago.  He just had a book come out.  We met him for dinner and he can be a bit abrasive and made a few of his usual comments that my wife seemed to not like but i think was not targeted at her.  He did seem a bit off like refusing to high five her at a joke which just seemed odd and petty as to why.  When I went to use the restroom I came back out to them arguing.  He then left and drove off.  Apparantly, he told my wife to go easier on me and to lay off.  To stop giving me a hard time.  My wife said to him that she had just lost two parents and was going through a hard time so lay off of her to which he said "___ you" which set her off.  When I heard this I went to talk to him and he drove off.  He would not take my calls nor texts.  This is actually the third time this same sort of thing has happened.  I will admit that he has been a kind of lousy friend over the years.  I think he did have some geniune care for watching over me but also some meanness when he did it knowing him how I did

My wife though said that I once again did not stand up for her.  I should hold him accountable.  I should go find him and confront him.  What should I have done?

She talked about 2 months ago when my mother called her and told her to leave me alone when my wife threatened to take the kids away from me and never let me see them again.  I told my mother it was not her business and while she was looking out for me she was wrong.  My mother did not apologize and that has always pissed my wife off since.  Then a month ago at my grandfathers funeral... my mother claims that she touched my kids arms as they walked past in a procession and ignored my wife out of spite, but my wife and kids say they do not remember her there.  My mother claims they ignored her so when she walked past them later she did not even glance at them.  My wife had told my mother to never contact her or the kids again so my mothers was hurt i suppose and figured it was what my wife wanted.  My wife thinks my mother specifically snubbed them all then lied about touching them at door but none of their stories completely jive and i do not know what to believe so i just stayed out of it but my wife says i basically sided with mom and called her kids liars and that I did not hold my mother accountable.  I suppose she thinks i should quit my job with my mother.  My wife seems to want my mother to be like a replacement for her mother and is hurt that my mom sided against her

Then 4 months ago my wife's best friend just stopped communicating with her.  My wife went to their house drunk when i was not there, and her friends husband supposedly got in her face and told her to never communicate with them again and that she was told not communicate with them.  My wife feels i should have held him accountable for being threatening to her, but at same time it was his home.  What should I had done?

The worst was 2 years ago when she was having a procedure at a doctors office... she was mildly sedated and the doctor stopped the procedure and started beratting her for making too much noise since she was in pain.  Then threatened her.  It was horrific experience.  I had no clue what do do.  After everything, I tried to tell him his behavior was unacceptable, and i filed a grievance with medical board which resulted in him losing his license.  My wife felt i should have been more forceful and threatening is supposed to him.  He was in his 70s so i do not think physical violence was right and i do not think it is ever right...

she says i cannot protect her and I am too much a pussy.  Perhaps I am.  if i was not maybe i would hold her more accountable for her actions and others would not step in to defend me.  Still, what should I have done better to protect my wife.  From her perspective all these people attacked her and scared her and hurt her and at least with my mother I still work with her and have a civil relationship.

This sent her over.  We are supposed to go to courthouse Monday to file for divorce.  My wife is dying... She has lost 20 lbs since her parents died.  She lays in bed all day many days.  She does not communicate with anyone.  Her hair is falling out.  She cannot sleep more than an hour a night.  She cannot eat and when she does she throws it up.  After 4 days we were getting along and off to have a good night and this brought back all the pain and at this point I cannot say my family will not say something when they see her.

I suppose its because they know she has been physically violent with me and emotionally wrecking me. Last night she open handed slapped me into my face and nose as hard as she could and shoved me some.  She told me she hated me and regretted ever seeing me.  I ruined her life and she is going to be dead.  I will not see the kids ever again.  She is going to destroy me now for not protecting her.  She is doing this because she is hurting.  What can I do?  What do I do?

I feel responsible and am responsible on some level.  If I had just kept my mouth shut and never talked to anyone about my life, but even then they notice me crying at work, sleeping in my car and without showers or clean clothing some days.  They know i developed vertigo problems and am not eating some days.  They can see those things

Do i call and tell my mother to apologize or else?  I cannot get my wife to realize her full role in this, but I do not want the guilt of knowing i played a role in her death and i do not want her to die.  I do not want the guilt of all of this. 

[GaGrl]

Hurthusband, I say this because I care... .

Many of us have followed your situation over the past months. I hear you repeating the events leading up to now, and you are spinning and spinning within the same story, unable to sort out the true priorities that you should be addressing today. Today.

You ask if you should apologize to your wife when at the same time you admit two much graver problems. 1) Your wife is in a mental health crisis that is threatening her life. 2) Your wife is violent, and you are a victim of domestic abuse.

An apology to her will solve neither of these. She is in a mental and emotional state that no longer allows her to hear what to say.

Take her to the nearest hospital that can assess her physical and mental state, and let them save her life. Tell them that she is violent ( she may attack them). Her eating disorder is out of control. She is an alcoholic. You have no idea what combinations of meds she is absorbing with no or little food.

Your family is in crisis. Act now.

[Panda39]

Has it occurred to you that your wife's behaviors towards other people get the responses they deserve from those other people?

Has it occurred to you that her behavior towards others is pushing them out of your life?  That she is on a campaign to isolate you?  Your mom has shown concern for you and now your cousin and your wife is alienating them.

Has it ever occurred to you that when she asks you to stand up for her that she is really asking you to validate her bad behavior?

Do you ever hold her accountable for her actions?

[an0ught]

Hurthusband,

some of the stuff you are writing is quite shocking  you are being abused and sound very, very down  .

I'm not going to repeat what you wrote what your wife said. It should be clear to you by now that she says stuff in order to get a reaction from you. You being so exhausted it takes extreme stuff to get you to react emotionally. So she does what needs the job done i.e. transferring her emotions to you. Sadly shared pain is not half the pain but means two people in the same pain here.

Considering that she has progressed to physical violence - please take steps to protect yourself! Men are in a weaker position and in her current state she might claim anything.

My wife is dying... She has lost 20 lbs since her parents died.  She lays in bed all day many days.  She does not communicate with anyone.  Her hair is falling out.  She cannot sleep more than an hour a night.  She cannot eat and when she does she throws it up.  After 4 days we were getting along and off to have a good night and this brought back all the pain and at this point I cannot say my family will not say something when they see her.

This in conjunction with suicide threats may well be a reason to reach out to 911 at a time. Her behavior has been escalating quite far and there are not many steps you can take on your side to match her extreme level.

How are the children taking the situation and her behavior?

[hurthusband]

children basically for most part do not care and it does not affect them.  oldest one it does some but he is with his father alot of times too, and is a teenager so is kind of not caring. 

the problem is she repeatedly says she is not going to commit suicide.  so the problem is trying to get her help involuntarily is pretty much impossible. 

she is under probation for a DWI so i suppose i could go to the cops, but if she is in fact willing to lie... i would probably be the one in handcuffs.  Also she has no family basically now so help is hard to find.

[momtara]

She says cruel things, threatens, pushes you away, and you love her so you end up taking it. Then you say one little thing back to her and she uses it against you too. She tries to force you to give up any strands of support you have left (your mom, cousin, your job). Deep inside, she knows it's a disease and she doesn't WANT you to obey her. You need to keep setting boundaries. Instead of reacting for or against her, step out of the situation. I don't mean you have to leave permanently if you don't want to; I mean set boundaries. Don't answer false accusations, don't answer yelling phone calls at work, tell her firmly you won't talk about your family (mom etc.) with her as it only leads to fights. Her therapist and yours should reinforce this.

And if she is anorexic, bulemic, taking drugs, etc. etc., you have to find a way to gather enough evidence and then force her into treatment. As someone said above, you need to get authorities involved or you may regret it.

I know the kids do care about you. They are even more powerless than you are. A 15 year old can't control anything.

You are doing steadily better. It takes a long time to figure this stuff out. Don't let her drive you to the brink. I saw you being strong there for a while - you opened up to your T and her sister. You may have to tell more people, for all of your sakes. I know you can do it!

[Aussie0zborn]

My wife had been going back and forth while.  She lost both her parents 3 months ago and since that point, lost her job, her best friend, and has spiraled down hill.  She hates my mother and thinks my mother let her down and is a liar and horrible person.  I work with my mother to make matters worse

Yesterday after saying how she does not love me anymore, and hates me... I told her that I know she is in tremendous pain, and while she thinks I have no clue what true pain is, that she is putting her pain on me and I nearly have the same pain as her.  She went bezerk.  Saying I said I Was in as much pain as her.  Even if I said that I am not sure if that is so bad.

She is talking about dying constantly, she is now aenorexic and bulemic.  She is isolated and alone.  She has said I am a pussy, I am a monkey boy, pathetic, she has no respect for me, she thinks I am a failure and a loser.  She thinks all my interests are stupid and I am stupid.  She thinks I am a bad father and bad husband and a liar and a thief.   She has told me that she is going to tell the police I hit her when I have never, and she has told me she is going to tell my business that I am stealing from them in addition to turning myself and mother into IRS for nothing that I am aware of, but who knows what might come out of that.  She then calls me saying she is alone and isolated.  I try and explain that I want to help her but I cannot help her if she is going to be nasty to me when I try to. 

I do not see how I can go back now with those kind of threats though.  She told me that she wrote me out of her will and that I will never be allowed to be with the step children.  She maxed my credit cards and told me all her money from inheritance is going to her sister now, and that she will die and its my fault.

I feel reduced to nothing.  I know I can fight back, but doing so will crush any life she has left.  Just telling her she is hurting me is horrific.  I told her, her parents would be ashamed of her behavior and she acting like I punched her.  She says she hopes my mother and sister die and she cant wait for it.  She said once she does not care if I die...

There is no family of hers to support her.  Her sister is all that left and she said she is staying out of it.  If she attacks my mother, my mother will fight back and hurt her.  I do not see what can be done with my wife.  Her therapist is to the piont that she needs to go away for awhile, but she is refusing and says while she wants to die and she is wasting away she will not kill herself...

i feel she is pushing every button to have me kill myself.  I feel that she wants my blood, but will then regret it and hurt.  I have nothing left neither at this point.  I have a career that is holding onto a thread, I have no family nor friends though all of this... I have no place to even sleep but my office.  I insisted on staying at home and asserting i have a right and i will not come near her but that is when she threatened with police.  The irony is she has physically assaulted me and says it never happens now

wow brother , thats rough, i can only imagine hwo torn you are right now, especially when its your wife , life partner and best friend... I just broke up with my BPD girlfriend, when it was all going on she pulled a knife on me, attacked me several times, when i was going to phone the police she said she would put in a rape charge against me even though i never gave the police the address or her name... Since then its been hell but i wont bore you with the nitty gritties... All i can day really my friend is i dont think you should go back, i would say try loving from a distance and in the mean time build yourself up n try let go a bit , remember who you are , which to me sounds like a thoroughly good person. All you want is for your spouses pain to stop and for the badness to come to an end , i know when my gf was cutting herself considering suicide etc all i wanted to do was hug her til the pain went away, we have to save ourselves to be able to save anyone else ... As in writing this i feel as though in saying this to you but also myself as i feel the urge to back and try again but realistically its too soon, the wounds are too fresh Andy you both need time to heal ... But still would probably say support her where you can as she sounds very vulnerable right now... Nobody wants to feel like that ... .Just remember to keep strong and sain , hope this post helps somewhat , reading yours has made me feel not so alone in all of this . . I will pray for both you and your family . One love brother. youre a good manl

Hey oneloveonelife, thank you for quoting the original post when you were the first to answer it. I'm not sure I would have known what you we're replying to had you not done that so thanks again. 

Hey hurthusband, you need help. As previously suggested you are being abused and it seems that you don't know it. It's time to stop putting her needs first. It sounds like you have done more than enough for her.

The title of your post, "I do not want to, but It appears I must leave" should have read "This is Crap - I'm Leaving". You should actually want to leave given the abuse your suffering. Better still, why don't you stay and get rid of her? Work with your therapist to get you to feel the full gravity of the abuse and stand up for yourself. Good luck.

[hurthusband]

Update and question

Update Portion

   Well was kicked out again and stayed away for days.  She still would call or text crying.  Last Saturday she kicked through a glass window when I was not there and said I she probably needed my help cause she was bleeding pretty badly.  I said, I would come out and take her to the hospital and call her sister who was closer.  I suspected this might be a ploy... .I mean I knew she kicked out the window.  IT is totally something she would do, but I suspected teh blood was not that bad.  when I told her about the hospital and getting her sister involved she totally flipped and said not to come near the home and she would not answer the door.  This confirmed more my suspicions, BUT my son was home alone with her and if she was bleeding badly, I would feel horrible blowing it off so I did contact her sister who ignored me, and went up there.  When I got there she was gone with my son.  I suspected her sister picked her up and I did not find any blood, but did find the front window kicked out.  I was concerned and did not want to assume at sisters in case she went off the deep end.  So called her sister and asked her on message to just let me know if my wife was with her and okay, otherwise I needed to come by and check because I do not know if she is okay or if son is okay or what is going on.  I got there and her sister said she was there and okay.  I left, relieved. Apologized for coming and disrupting, but explained that I was concerned.  I left and my wife texted the usual horrible things how we were over etc. 

Easter was the next morning... she texted me and was kind of mean to be honest but said she was going to two church services, and didnt care if I went or not.  I am religious, my wife does not like religion at all.  This I found very strange.  Easter is a day of forgiveness and perhaps my wife is reaching for religion or compassion or forgiveness here for herself.  I hoped so.  I did ask if she was asking me to go to church or if she was just stating.  She said do what I want so I went home showered while she was as first service and went there and sat with her.  Rest of day she talked about how she wanted to let go of the rage and anger and forgive.  I naturally am suspect of this, but I pray for a miracle every day and it is Easter. 

We have a nice Easter and a nice Monday.  Tuesday goes on great too.  At night she gets a bit agitated and bites me a little after a couple of beers and not eating much.  Yesterday everything was good the whole day.  By evening when I get home she is feeling depressed.  She is always depressed and always talking about it and it is honestly very stressful to have to give so much emotional support all day every day for months and months with no difference and possibly anything i said upsetting her more.  I feel bad about that but it is very hard. 


Here is the question...

At dinner, the subject comes up about her having to go to the funeral home for her father and get a refund because 4 months after the fact, they STILL do have not his ashes interred and provided the services paid for.  It was upsetting for her and she gets a bit upset discribing how she had to get angry with them and she always wins and gets what she sets out to do.  I apologize for the topic and try to change it.  I mention something about my work and something funny that happened.  She then says she wants to talk about the future.  She states that she wants to know when I am going to get a raise and I deserve a raise and she does not like not having more.  She says I cannot keep up basically working 2 40 hour a week jobs in 47 hours.  This is true to a degree.  I help run a property management company with family and have the agreement that I can work on my other job while there which is consulting for auto industry.  It does mean that alot happens in those 47 hours I work, but I get paid hourly at one job and auto I get paid by the job so I am basically being paid for two jobs while working one.  It is a good deal.  The result is that I have a hard time asking for a raise at my family job being that alot of time I am working on my other job.  Now, I could quit my other job but that would require my family job to more than double what they pay, and we are going through a never ending trust issue with another relative that has lasted 8 years and the judge will not close my grandfathers estate (he died 8 years ago) and just rule in the matter.  This means that we are scrutinized on every penny spent and I am questions on my pay alot.  Ideally, we are trying to force a wrap up of this matter and I can move in to taking a larger role and thus pay more with eventually taking over and handing off my auto business.

I hate this line of questioning.  It irks me.  It feels like she is telling me how to live my life and what to do.  She is upset I we do not have more money and says I am content.  I am never content, but I understand that I just had my largest year yet and make 215% more than the average person in Dallas area.  So I make good money.  We do have alot of expenses... .$32k in medical expenses prevent alot of spending on other stuff and funeral arrangements do not help either.  Now I bring up that fact, and she thinks I am blaming it on her.  I am not blaming it on her, it is necessary to have those things, but it does mean we do not have as much as some other people and it does mean we are a bit on hold.  That makes things worse.  She says she wants to know where we will be 5 years from now.  My reply is that who knows in what job where they will be 5 years from now.  I know I will have a job with family for sure.  Its over 300 properties owned free and clear.  It does not run itself, but it takes a moron to tank it and essentially I am locked in as family.  It is job security which so many do not have at all in corporate jobs.  It sounds like my wife wants to know when I will take over and get the farm.  Honestly, its gravy money I did not earn.  I am working my butt off and providing more than most with income up each year.  Yea, maybe I am slightly underpaid at one job, but I am not for sure I am anyways.  Now she says I am alway upset wtih my job.  I may gripe about some people at my job, but I think thats normal.  There is probably a day a week or every 2 weeks when I get pretty stressed wtih work, but honestly, some of that is because I am already over the edge from home life and cannot deal with work or slack on work dealing with home fighting... .

All of this is really irritating, and I express a desire not to talk about items that are hot button items when we are just trying to get things on the right foot.  She says I am ignoring them and presses on.  I really just wanted to have a nice meal.  I just found out earlier that day my taxes were going to be about $6k more in my favor than I had thought which is pretty nice to have.  She keeps on so I express the statement that I do not find it fair that she keeps asking more of me.  I say I understand she is going through a hard time now (it has been nearly 4 months since both parents died, 5 months since lost job, 5 months since lost best friend), but it is not really fair to keep asking me to be more and do more when I am doing all I can, and essentially am doing everything money making wise as my wife has no job (and is really just spending money on hobbies for others).  Honestly, the best way to increase our income would be if she did get a job.  She knows that and shot back that she will just get a bad $11 an hour job and see how that helps.  Well honestly, thats $11 an hour raise on our income which is pretty significant raise in a year on year

We got home and things were quiet and I offered to help her and offered to talk, and she started up again on it all.  She said she got the refund on her dad's internment to get us money that we needed because I had mentioned that we were low on money several months back.  That to me is overboard and did not need to happen.  She then said it was also because they were not being fair to her so I am confused and its just how I never change, and she is wanting to continue this with kids around.  I refuse so she says to step outside.  She keeps going and takes a few low blow. 

At this point, I do not know what to do.  I know that wherever I am in the house she will find me and keep berating me.  It is 10 pm and she does not sleep so she will keep waking me up to argue.  I do not feel safe, so I grab some things to leave and sleep in my car.  She says if I leave I can never come back.  She threatens me and takes a few more shots at my mother and my family and how I abandoned her.  I just want some peace.  As I leave she says I can never see the kids again and some other things...

Was I all wrong?  Should I have stayed and battled it out or just ignored her which would infuriate her?  I do not want to abandon her, but I feel like its 24/7 sole support system for something that really needs a whole family to support.  Its driving me crazy.  I know she is crazy at this piont with all the tragedy, but all the lifting is asked of me it seems.   I also know that there will not be more than 2 days that go on without me getting in trouble because she feels angry at my mother and thus at me even though they have not talked in months or mad at me over income and vacations.  Mad at me saying I ignore her.  I got in trouble the other night because I picked the movie Birdman to watch with her which won Best Picture and she thought it wasnt that good, saying I should have known she would not like it.  I do not know how to help her at this point.  I do not know how to help me.  I do not want to hurt her.  I want a life with her.  Does she have a right to question as she does my job?  am i just using her situation as a crutch to deny answering questions that I should?

[OnceConfused]

Hurthusband:

Allow me to not sugar coat your predicament.

It sounds to me like you are going in a circle for a long time now.

At this point, it looks like your wife is NOT going to change and the old cycle keeps repeating. The fundamental problems of your marriage are not solved at all. The 2 unhappy people are trying to change the other to fit their needs and not looking at him or herself.

My recommendations to you are:

1. Get back to the basic issues/concerns of you marriage. 

2. What does marriage mean to you ? please don't give me the bull crap of the wedding wows.  What really you and she want in a marriage? WRITE THESE THOUGHTS DoWN . Writing will clarify your mind.

3. Now compare the conditions and situations where you are NOW, with what you would like to see.

4. If the what you have and what you want do NOT agree, then what actions do you need to take to make them agree.

5. If the actions to take will work then your marriage is salvageable. If they are not, then you need to make the hard decisions of staying or leaving.

[momtara]

Haven't had a chance to read it all, but you are rarely wrong. Step back and imagine that your wife was leaving it all to you. What would you do regarding your job? Her advice is often wrong and not only NOT in your best interest, but not in hers or the kids'. If you are walking a fine line, don't ask for a raise or anything that will cause problems if you don't feel comfortable with it. Remember, this is a person who constantly wanted you to quit.

I think if a situation arises in which you can force your wife to be admitted to a hospital, you should do it. What if she was bleeding and she was with the kids? Or something else? I know you can't jump the gun or it will be worse, esp considering she was lying this time, but you have to figure out how far it can go. If she really had injured herself severely, that would make her a danger to herself and if proven she could be forced into a hosp. You might want to talk to a local psych. about what to do if she ever meets that standard.

That said, seems like you've been handling things well, haven't had any emergencies, and best of all, you are reaching out to the sister and setting some boundaries, rather than being too intimidated to do that. Being away for a few days can allow you to breathe. You haven't given in to her threats or bad advice. So keep up the good work.  In the long term, you are living a life in which you are nearly constantly scared. She seems unlikely to change unless treatment changes or something else changes, so you may have to set more boundaries if you want to keep living. It's very hard and you take a risk every time you do something or open your mouth, that she will make you feel bad about it. Hang in there.

[Grey Kitty]

This was almost too long to read, but I've got one bit of advice for you:

If your wife says ANYTHING about your job, your family, etc... .end the conversation with her right away. NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS CONVERSATION.

She is in horrible pain herself... .and she for some crazy reason believes that if you do certain things regarding this, she won't be feeling this pain. She is WRONG. Her pain isn't going to go away.

And if you quit your job, or cut off your family, you will be harmed financially, and personally, which won't benefit her at all.

If you are at home and she just starts launching into you... .the best thing you can do is leave. The more consistently you do this, the better everything will go.

[hurthusband]

My recommendations to you are:

1. Get back to the basic issues/concerns of you marriage. 

2. What does marriage mean to you ? please don't give me the bull crap of the wedding wows.  What really you and she want in a marriage? WRITE THESE THOUGHTS DoWN . Writing will clarify your mind.

3. Now compare the conditions and situations where you are NOW, with what you would like to see.

4. If the what you have and what you want do NOT agree, then what actions do you need to take to make them agree.

5. If the actions to take will work then your marriage is salvageable. If they are not, then you need to make the hard decisions of staying or leaving.

1. Get back to the basic issues/concerns of you marriage.

I cannot say for sure what hers are, but it seems she wants more purpose and wants me to provide it for her as she is scared to attempt herself.  She wants somebody who is loving and caring and somebody who values her more than anything else.  I feel I do, but she does not see it.  She wants space to do her thing and not be questioned.  She wants a better lifestyle.  She made the comment that I have always had money and do not know what it is like without, but she actually needs more than I who am content living with less than I grew up with.  I want love, but I want to be respected and be allowed to pursue my interests and life to a degree.  Not given a hard time about my hobbies or religion.  I want to help my wife and spend time together, but not every moment of every day and not doing what only they want.  I do not want to be guilted...

Neither of us seems to be getting it, but I am not sure if some of her beliefs are even possible or if they are asking another to make her happy and not work towards her own happiness.

[hurthusband]

This was almost too long to read, but I've got one bit of advice for you:

If your wife says ANYTHING about your job, your family, etc... .end the conversation with her right away. NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF THIS CONVERSATION.

She is in horrible pain herself... .and she for some crazy reason believes that if you do certain things regarding this, she won't be feeling this pain. She is WRONG. Her pain isn't going to go away.

And if you quit your job, or cut off your family, you will be harmed financially, and personally, which won't benefit her at all.

If you are at home and she just starts launching into you... .the best thing you can do is leave. The more consistently you do this, the better everything will go.

Thats what I thought.  thus why I left.  I find that I am happier living in my car than in fear of arguments or going through the same thing over and over.  I just do not want to reinforce abandoning her by leaving in these situations.  Usually if i step out she will not let me back in for a couple of days

[Lucky Jim]

Hey hh, I don't regard it as "abandoning" your W if you need to leave in order to enforce your boundaries.  Quite the contrary.  Having spent many a night at the local motel under similar circumstances, let's just say I know where you are coming from.  LuckyJim

[Grey Kitty]

Thats what I thought.  thus why I left.  I find that I am happier living in my car than in fear of arguments or going through the same thing over and over.  I just do not want to reinforce abandoning her by leaving in these situations.  Usually if i step out she will not let me back in for a couple of days

Both concerns are valid, but you need to keep your priorities correct.

Being verbally (and eventually physically) abused is bad for you and bad for her. (Really, it is bad for her. If her way of coping with her difficult feelings is to beat somebody up, this is going to cause problems for her whether she is with you or not!)

Preventing that is more important than protecting her from feeling abandoned.

Here is the issue with that kind of boundary enforcement... .you've been very inconsistent when it comes to enforcing that boundary to date. Sometimes you let her launch into you for hours, even all day before you leave.

This is called intermittent reinforcement, and it is the most powerful way to train somebody. (It works like a slot machine that sometimes pays out when you pull the lever.) Given what you've done, she's pretty convinced that verbally abusing you works well. Retraining her is going to be hard work, and the more inconsistent you are, the longer it is going to take.

This kind of response is called an extinction burst. If you 'cave' when she steps it up... .it just reinforces it more for her.

So work really hard at leaving as soon as it gets verbally abusive.

One thing you can do is leave in steps. For example:

Step 1: State "I will not be spoken to that way."

Perhaps she will stop. If so, you don't have to leave. If she continues... .

Step 2: Walk out of the room to get away from her.

If she follows you and continues... .

Step 3: Leave the house, and get in your car and drive away.

If she gets in her car and follows you... .

Step 4: Drive to the nearest police station; get out of your car and walk in she follows you there. Presumably she won't be dumb enough to shout at you or attack you there.

She might make false allegations though. I hope you've got some voice/video recorders or apps on your phone going whenever you are with her now.

Another contingency:

If she blocks you from leaving the house/room, or blocks you from driving off, inform her that preventing you from leaving meets the legal definition of domestic violence, and that you will call 911 if she doesn't get out of the way. (Yes, this is true!)

Make sure your cellphone is with you at all times so that this option is available to you.

[hurthusband]

How do i know I am not using the abuse as an excuse to escape her valid concerns or questions i do not want to deal with?  I am not so sure I know the line of abuse anymore.  I know she now throws out me as abusing her verbally and I do not know what to believe. 

Is hounding me to no end abuse?  What does she have a right to know?  I want to be fair in all of this. 

Is my leaving quickly abusive?

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, she is abusive. No, you are not abusive.

Hounding you is abusive.

Telling you that when you go away you are abusing her is abusive too.

Leaving is NEVER abusive. (Unless you leave her by the side of the road 100 miles from anything!)

You are clearly very afraid of her--You feel safer and more comfortable sleeping in your car than being in the house with her!

Does she ever act like she is afraid of you? I didn't think so.

She may make false accusations that you abuse her... .that doesn't make it true!

Abuse is fundamentally a way for the abuser to control the victim. Often the fear of abuse or threat of abuse has the same result as the actual abuse does.

She probably does believe that when you don't let her control you, that constitutes abuse on your part. IT DOESN'T. She may believe it. She may tell you that it does. She probably tries to convince you that it does. Or that you 'deserve' the abuse she gives you. Not true.