Hi friends,
Things are going OK and I am so grateful!
Gd9 has relaxed around DD and her bf, even with some minor 'house rules' violations. She has learned some good skills in her own therapy, and steps right up to let anyone know when they need to dip into her 'calming bag'. She has a couple notebooks in there to write what she wants to share - then she tapes the note where the culprit will see it (like on the ceiling as you go down the stairs). DD was a little fiesty about something (I don't even remember what now). Gd shared with DD the 10 ideas Gd's T gave her on little flash cards with choices.
Instead of getting angry: (my comments)
-I find someone to talk to about my angry feelings (someone safe)
-I keep my temper and think of something that could have prevented the situation. (seek comfort for the 'keep my temper' part when needed)
-I tell the person what is bothering me (if it feels safe)
-I accept that sometimes things just go wrong
-I use an "I" statement. Example: I feel angry when you call me a bad name and I don't want you to do it anymore.
-I take 10 deep breaths to calm myself.
-I tell myself that reacting in anger won't help the situation.
-I walk away and find something to do that makes me feel better.
-I count to 10 and then choose my words carefully.
-I think of my own solution.
I was so surprised when DD responded to gd in a positive way - first by being quiet and listening. Then GD got out her notebook and wrote out the ones she thought would be helpful for her mom. It really diffused the situation.
Bf has become a part of the family in many ways. He asks me about some of DD's actions that puzzle him. When DD asked about our conversations, I said "yes, we do talk about you and ways that we can support you best". She seems to accept this - again diffused a situation that would have been fireworks in the past. He went to church with us and has share with me that he really likes this community and will continue going "even if I am not living here".
Gd has come to feel comfortable enough to go out with bf searching for treasures today - with dh's old metal detector. They were gone almost 3 hours and had a lot of fun. Bf said he was going to wear her out, and he succeeded. Gd enjoys watching movies and playing games with both her mom and bf in the evenings. It is so nice to have them here during this spring break week. I am working from home as supervision is still important with gd. We are all working more together to be consistent in our expectations of her. I am being more firm and they are being less authoritarian. She is even eating with us at the table and trying a bite of everything. We have been working on this for a while.
We are all trying to help DD get out of the basement during the day, even if she does not want to. That was her homework from her last T session. Step by step, that is what I say when she feels discouraged that 'nothing has... changed in the past, why should it now'. Am keeping in mind not to overstate the positives and set up too much expectation in her mind -- leads to self-sabotage.
For myself, I am trying to breath when feel tension and find playful way to respond. It works - both that I am being able to do this and how well it works with everyone, esp. gd. I continue to participate in a healing care group, work on my steps with Serenity Bible daily 12 step book, see my T and Massage T alternating weeks. I am going to seek out a PT or chiropractor that will believe I am in pain and provide me with treatments that do not cause more pain - I have kind of given up on my HMO team who have now referred me to my pdoc for pain questions. Am I really a hypocondriac? Hmmmm - another thing to list on my step 4 inventory? Really?
I am still so very tired -- this too is seen as psychological by my HMO medical people. Even getting to bed earlier, and can sleep easily all night and 2-3 hours during the day. Appreciate that bf is contributing a lot to the household in many ways. He cooks, does dishes, trains the dogs, planted grass and waters it twice a day, and holds DD accountable for what she can do for herself. And he is a great friend for gd. DD worries that he will never have a 'real' job and "I will always be homeless". Again I said to her - step by step, how are things for today?
Dh is home, and very demanding of my attention. He wears me out right now more than anyone else here. That is certainly a story for a different board.
qcr
