He says I'm BPD ... I say he is Narcisstic... Both had past trauma HELP

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I'm finding it unbearable to cope with our breakdown / ending of the 5 year relationship I have had with this man I thought was my true soulmate! ... .it's very complex as we both had emotional trauma in our childhood. We were both insecure and weary... .But I've never loved anyone as much as I did him! ... I FEEL HE JUST NEVER ALLOWED HIS MIND TO SEE THIS!

You see even as early as 3 months in, he forever doubted me, he had wrongly accused,  continually insulted me with allegations and hurled some real nasty words at me! I was a very bubbly natured person when we met, outgoing, friendly... .But certain things were being said to me that made me ' walk on eggshells' In case of upsetting him again... Ie) in his car, as he drove and he would pull up at the traffic lights,, I'd just be looking out the window ( as you do?) ... Except he would insist that I was ' checking out' guys! ... .Let me just say... I never moved for 5 years, turned down my friends invites to go out because I knew how insecure he was, it didn't bother me! As as long as we were together enjoying our company etc and I knew it was his past that had made him this way... I was accepting this! But as time went on... .I would slowly start to feel kind of frustrated and drained at the next false accusation, and the next , the next ... .! There were times we would argue and he would just up and go! ( drive back home) ... I hated that! Nothing gets resolved and it was because I had my own opinion on things... But if they differed with his. He would get angry n storm off! ... .We would be great on good days! When we did have those together moments, we were the perfect couple! ... .but it did start to become almost controlling! And I had to speak up! ... .now the minute you do! I noticed all of a sudden ... He started to say to me that I had issues... Bpd! ... .yet reading up... I also said to him ... I think he has Jekyll n Hyde Narcisstic traits about him! ... .INSTANTLY DENIED by him of course. There is a lot more to it,,hurt n upsetting things! But it ended recently by me being ... .  Discarded! And I cannot handle what I am going through and reading on Narcsisstic behaviour, as I feel it's what has happened here... .Can this ever work if we both have issues? ... I don't have BPD, but I do think I have PTSD due to my past trauma. He has just cut me off ! It so hurts me... .I feel I'm reaching breaking point mode... I cannot sleep, crying all the time , cannot get motivated and basically cut myself off from everyone right now! ... .I miss the good US! . Can 2 souls who both have issues EVER work... .? How do I heal when I love him so much!

[Nevergiveuponhope]

I'm finding it unbearable to cope with our breakdown / ending of the 5 year relationship I have had with this man I thought was my true soulmate! ... .it's very complex as we both had emotional trauma in our childhood. We were both insecure and weary... .But I've never loved anyone as much as I did him! ... I FEEL HE JUST NEVER ALLOWED HIS MIND TO SEE THIS!

You see even as early as 3 months in, he forever doubted me, he had wrongly accused,  continually insulted me with allegations and hurled some real nasty words at me! I was a very bubbly natured person when we met, outgoing, friendly... .But certain things were being said to me that made me ' walk on eggshells' In case of upsetting him again... Ie) in his car, as he drove and he would pull up at the traffic lights,, I'd just be looking out the window ( as you do?) ... Except he would insist that I was ' checking out' guys! ... .Let me just say... I never moved for 5 years, turned down my friends invites to go out because I knew how insecure he was, it didn't bother me! As as long as we were together enjoying our company etc and I knew it was his past that had made him this way... I was accepting this! But as time went on... .I would slowly start to feel kind of frustrated and drained at the next false accusation, and the next , the next ... .! There were times we would argue and he would just up and go! ( drive back home) ... I hated that! Nothing gets resolved and it was because I had my own opinion on things... But if they differed with his. He would get angry n storm off! ... .We would be great on good days! When we did have those together moments, we were the perfect couple! ... .but it did start to become almost controlling! And I had to speak up! ... .now the minute you do! I noticed all of a sudden ... He started to say to me that I had issues... Bpd! ... .yet reading up... I also said to him ... I think he has Jekyll n Hyde Narcisstic traits about him! ... .INSTANTLY DENIED by him of course. There is a lot more to it,,hurt n upsetting things! But it ended recently by me being ... .  Discarded! And I cannot handle what I am going through and reading on Narcsisstic behaviour, as I feel it's what has happened here... .Can this ever work if we both have issues? ... I don't have BPD, but I do think I have PTSD due to my past trauma. He has just cut me off ! It so hurts me... .I feel I'm reaching breaking point mode... I cannot sleep, crying all the time , cannot get motivated and basically cut myself off from everyone right now! ... .I miss the good US! . Can 2 souls who both have issues EVER work... .? How do I heal when I love him so much!

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm finding it unbearable to cope with our breakdown / ending of the 5 year relationship I have had with this man I thought was my true soulmate! ... .it's very complex as we both had emotional trauma in our childhood. We were both insecure and weary... .But I've never loved anyone as much as I did him! ... I FEEL HE JUST NEVER ALLOWED HIS MIND TO SEE THIS!

This is how I have been feeling.  It sucks!  Also 5 years.  Also, we both have trauma.  He is mild uN/BPD and I have PTSD.  We ended up accidentally triggering one another a lot.  He however, punished me for his past and didn't see at all what his contribution was to our issues.  I feel like, "if he could just SEE what I SEE, he would know we could do it, we could be wonderful together!"

I'm quite depressed and pissed ATM. :/

There were times we would argue and he would just up and go! ( drive back home) ... I hated that! Nothing gets resolved and it was because I had my own opinion on things... But if they differed with his. He would get angry n storm off!

This was like once a week our first year!  Moving in didn't help, it just meant he turned PA and escalated as he couldn't really storm off with his D in the house.  He never knew how to handle his emotions.  He always appeared to be working on it with me, gave me hope.

We would be great on good days! When we did have those together moments, we were the perfect couple!

yes, this makes it hurt so much.  So painful to feel how good we could be. :/

... but it did start to become almost controlling! And I had to speak up! ... .now the minute you do! I noticed all of a sudden ... He started to say to me that I had issues... Bpd! ... .yet reading up... I also said to him ... I think he has Jekyll n Hyde Narcisstic traits about him! ... .INSTANTLY DENIED by him of course. There is a lot more to it,,hurt n upsetting things! But it ended recently by me being ... .  Discarded! And I cannot handle what I am going through and reading on Narcsisstic behaviour, as I feel it's what has happened here... .

Sounds like you were attempting at setting boundaries on his abusive behavior.  Good for you!   

Can this ever work if we both have issues?

I'm not sure any of us can answer this for you.

For me, our MC seemed to feel that as long as ONE of us could keep their distance from the drama and have an observing ego at the process, then he felt there was still hope, even if exBF was just a passenger.  The minute I got sucked in and reactive, he gave up on us both.  Even after I got my head clear, and stopped being reactive, my bf had gone a far journey into feeling that I was his ultimate trigger and projected all of his past traumas and hurt onto me.  Once I got painted THAT black, there was no return.

He has just cut me off ! It so hurts me... .I feel I'm reaching breaking point mode... I cannot sleep, crying all the time , cannot get motivated and basically cut myself off from everyone right now! ... .I miss the good US! . Can 2 souls who both have issues EVER work... .? How do I heal when I love him so much!

I'm sorry, I can't help you here.  This is where I am ATM.  I am feeling rather devastated.  You are not alone in this, so many of us are pained or have been at this place, and are here to share.

Keep reading the info at the sides.

Let us know how you are coping.

Sorry you are having this pain right now, they tell me it will pass.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Nevergiveuponhope, 

I would like to join Sunfl0wer and welcome you.

I am sorry that you are going through this. It must be very hard to end a 5 year relationship with someone that you feel was your soulmate.     The aftermath of a relationship with a person with BPD or NPD (pwBPD/pwNPD)  is incredibly painful. 

The feeling of being cut off really hurts. It is a very difficult process filled with different emotions. I understand how you are having problems sleeping, constantly crying, and feeling unmotivated.  Many times we go through grieving processes throughout our relationships. There have been times that I have gone through many different emotions. I have even fluctuated between sadness and anger for a period of time. It is understandable to feel this way. 

Healing may seem difficult and painful right now, but you will eventually get to a better place in time.

I found the best way to cope through a difficult situation with my pwBPD was to focus on myself. I started with simple things, such as trying to get enough sleep and forcing myself to eat.  Even getting enough sleep really made a difference and assuaged my breaking point. When  I was feeling this way I was in constant contact with my support system of family, friends, and my therapist. Sometimes when I got out of the house and did something fun it helped make me feel a little bit better.  Do you have a support system?

Also, I found that posting on here really helped. It feels good to be able to discuss your relationship. Many people who never were in a relationship with a pwBPD or pwNPD really grasp how meaningful and special these relationships are. You will find many people here that are going through similar situations or can relate to your situation.

To answer your question, a relationship can work if two people have issues. It does take work though. There has to be a great deal of self-awareness from you. You have to be willing to make a change in yourself to improve the relationship. You only are responsible and can control your own behavior.

We are looking forward to your response.

[mitatsu]

Hi your story sounds just like my wife and my stories... i know from my younger years i had become narc (coping mech) also co-dependant (people pleasing fixer) and was sure my wife was Bpd (so many matching symptoms) upon reflection she may of been c-ptsd but i tried everyway (mostly wrong by my own admission) of 'fixing/supporting her but only realised after the split (we only married 7 mnths ago after a 3 yrs r/s) that i can only fix myself its a shame when 2 people so in love dont understand each other but maybe if you both admit and face your problems together without outside interaction bar a good therapist you can make it work all the best and good luck 

[Nevergiveuponhope]

I approached him being too paranoid with me numerous times over the years... ( I knew it was because of his past trauma he was the way he was, that is why I stayed in the relationship... I loved him! ) even though the accusations were quite enough to make any woman walk! - a friend I confided in said, no way she would stay... But I did and ' hoped' he would see! ... .( LIVED BY HOPE ALL MY LIFE!) ... As years went by... We did let these insecurities take over the relationship to utter breaking point... .Then he discarded last July... .I really was broken/ confused and so very hurt! ... I'm not perfect by any means... But I know I'm a good hearted woman who was just wanting to be loved by a man who let his mind live his life for him ,, and it was sheer draining... I was turning into a wreck! ... .It was only when I brought up faults he turned it all onto me having the issues! :-( 

I am awaiting therapy for this... My family do not understand, and I talk to nobody for support... My mother is and never has been maternal... So I don't hold out for any support there! ( I'm a strong natured woman because of this lack of love as a child, I'm very much empathetic and like to help ( people pleaser) ... But this! This I cannot handle alone this time... .It is soul crushing heartache! I'm just so lost... .I want somebody to go and show this man he had a woman who truly loved him... .I'm not a go out n get drunk in pubs girl! I like to keep life simple... A drive out on a sunny day. Stop off for a nice meal n chat over a glass bubbly, home ... DVD. Snuggle, couch - together time! WAS IT REALLY A LOT TO ASK? ... .  We both live apart, have our own places, and it thought after 5 years I'd have moved on in life by now... .This has just halted my life... .He seems so narcissistic in parts... In denial completely... .But now I'm just left! I feel empty! ... In shock! And so very alone with trying to get through this.

Appreciate your replies... Thank You.

[EaglesJuju]

I am awaiting therapy for this... My family do not understand, and I talk to nobody for support... My mother is and never has been maternal... So I don't hold out for any support there! ( I'm a strong natured woman because of this lack of love as a child, I'm very much empathetic and like to help ( people pleaser) ... But this! This I cannot handle alone this time... .It is soul crushing heartache!

I completely understand how you could feel that no one understands what you are going through.     My family and friends do not understand the relationship between my bf and myself.  You are not alone and have support here. 

I am a people pleaser myself and it is really hard for someone who is a people pleaser to be going through something this difficult. For a people pleaser, it feels soul crushing.  It feels that the pain is unbearable, because many times we tend to open up old wounds from our childhood. I endured something similar and it was very tough for me. Fortunately, during this process of healing, I started to work on myself.  I started learning about who I am and now I am a stronger person. 

Therapy really helped me work through my hurt and helped me heal.  Also, I concurrently started to work on many of my core issues. As a people pleaser, I tended to get a lot of my self-worth and self-esteem from helping or pleasing others.  When someone ignored me or abandoned me, I felt empty and almost worthless.  I tended to take responsibility for other's behavior, especially my bf's.

I started to learn about BPD and realized that the way my bf was behaving had nothing to do with me. It is all apart of his disorder.  Learning about the disorder helped me work through my issues with people pleasing. My bf can be very self-aware at times and has told me, "EaglesJuJu, you could have given me the world, it would not have mattered or been enough. This is a problem that I have and you cannot fix.  I have to fix it myself."