Not sure what to do about my girlfriend.

[NycNiceGuy]

My girlfriend of two years has BPD and after yet another big fight I am finding myself on these message boards searching for answers. I made my first post last night about the history between the two of us. After reading a lot of other threads I have found it is not much different from other people stories so I will make it quick.

Basically together for two years; first year and a half was what I thought the most perfect relationship ever finding myself wondering how I ever got so lucky. Then more of her mental illnesses came out and she was worried her PTSD or anxiety would push me away, telling me I am the only one who treated her right and everyone else has left her for her illnesses. I assured her I was not that kind of guy. We went through one recycle in November after a big fight where she did not want to talk about the issues at hand. She didn't speak to me for weeks but afterward could not get enough of me.

Now it is March and she has just finished a two week stay at the hospital. Things were seemingly good she was going to therapy every day as mandated by the doctors and was excited to see me after being away from me for so long. After she was not required to go to treatment she stopped and some of the old signs started happening again, being cold, distant. We haven't had sex since before she was in the hospital and when I bring it up she uses her medication as an excuse(which is believe is valid but I would like to be heard too). Last week she began talking to 2 guys that she was romantically connected with, nothing major just a hook up or two a few months before I even met her. Now I find out that she is ignoring me and looking to them for comfort.

I need help in my decision of do I want to stay in this relationship or not, I know my own brain has been infected with the love I think or thought was there and it is hard to stay clear. Also our anniversary was on Monday where she had asked me to leave early because she was tired from our busy weekend. I haven't spoken to her since and have been figuring out the right way to give her space but keep me in her mind. Some advice would be helpful Thank you

[EaglesJuju]

Hi NycNiceGuy, 

Welcome aboard.  I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how you could feel unsure of whether you want to continue your relationship.

It is completely understandable to be confused with your pwBPD's behavior especially since she was being treated. Unfortunately it takes a significant amount of time to work on maladaptive behaviors/coping mechanisms. These behaviors have been reinforced and learned for a very long period of time by a pwBPD.  Unlearning this behavior through therapy does take a while to show progress. Therapy has been shown to help pwBPD regulate their emotions, improve interpersonal relationships, and cope with stressful situations in a healthy manner. 

Many times at the start of treatment, a pwBPD feels very vulnerable. During periods of vulnerability, a pwBPD may regress or resort  to maladaptive behavior.  Many pwBPD tend to withdraw, avoid, or isolate themselves as a coping mechanism when they are feeling vulnerable or dysregulating. 

BPD behavior is very ambivalent and almost a paradox. Have you had a chance to read about BPD behavior?  Learning about the disorder helps with a lot of our confusion.   

I have given my bf space before and it has helped our relationship. Sometimes a pwBPD becomes completely overwhelmed with their own intense feelings and need space.  During my periods of giving my bf space, I would text him once a week with a validating message.  I made sure to not text him anything triggering, such as talking about feelings/emotions. 

[NycNiceGuy]

I have been doing a lot of reading the past couple of days. I can see a lot of the signs that lead me to believe she is disconnecting and her withdrawing from wanting treatment. I am having trouble thinking of a way to essentially say "Hey that was rude the other day, you have been acting weird since you stopped going to treatment... .what happened?" Or something along that line. While im learning to deal with it, it still comes a shock to me how she can need me 24/7 and live in my home for 2 months. Followed by a hospital trip and now shes cold.

[EaglesJuju]

I am having trouble thinking of a way to essentially say "Hey that was rude the other day, you have been acting weird since you stopped going to treatment... .what happened?" Or something along that line.

Learning communication techniques really help with getting your feelings/point across without triggering your pwBPD. Communication techniques have helped my relationship so much.  One thing I learned though is discussing difficult topics such as feelings, tend to not fare well when my pwBPD is dysregulating or overwhelmed, regardless of communication techniques.

Here is an article to help you get started.

Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

While im learning to deal with it, it still comes a shock to me how she can need me 24/7 and live in my home for 2 months. Followed by a hospital trip and now shes cold.

I understand how it can be shocking for you.    Accepting the disorder and accompanying behaviors is really hard. I still have trouble coping with some of the behavior. It does take a bit of time to radically accept. When I was having trouble coping with some of the behaviors, I read as much as I could about the disorder, to almost depersonalize the behavior. At the end, I realized that the behavior has nothing to with me, it is just a part of the disorder. 

[NycNiceGuy]

Yeah I am reading about the ways to communicate now, I am very aware of radical acceptance and I feel at this stage of the game I am willing to accept things for what they are. It is just I am now scared to confront her in fear of her shutting down. I am going through it in my head and maybe the conversation following confronting her will be the best option good or bad. I dunno when the right time to bring something up. We haven't spoken to each other since that night so it has been 2 days. Which for some couples I guess that is normal but it has never been normal for us. Along with how she has been acting it worries me.

[EaglesJuju]

It is just I am now scared to confront her in fear of her shutting down. I am going through it in my head and maybe the conversation following confronting her will be the best option good or bad. I dunno when the right time to bring something up. We haven't spoken to each other since that night so it has been 2 days.

I understand how you could feel worried.

Confronting someone tends to end up with unfavorable results. Many times confrontation leads to someone feeling attacked or criticized.

On the other hand, discussing something can open up communication between the both of you and feels less threatening. 

Perhaps you can send a text to her to "feel things out" and see if she is dysregulating? 

[NycNiceGuy]

UPDATE I brought my feelings up to her, she avoided the confrontation and continued to lie/manipulate her friends to make me look to be the bad guy... .brought that up and ended it. Feeling giant relief, will try to stay active on the boards. but yay I am OUT!

[jannieslosthope]

Hello NycNiceGuy,

I read the posts and I am glad you finally found some resolution. Hopefully it is a positive decision and she doesn't give you any grief in the aftermath. I wonder if it's even possible to stay friends after breaking up with someone who has BPD? Let us know how it goes and I wish you the best of luck in finding the right girl for you for the long haul.

[IamME33]

UPDATE I brought my feelings up to her, she avoided the confrontation and continued to lie/manipulate her friends to make me look to be the bad guy... .brought that up and ended it. Feeling giant relief, will try to stay active on the boards. but yay I am OUT!

  I tried to do the same thing this weekend. Completely walk away. I am struggling with it big time, despite a small feeling of relief and freedom. I hope this works out for you! I am trying to stay strong but am really struggling.

Good Luck!

[Loosestrife]

If  can stay no contact - that seems to be what most successful leavers advise 

[NycNiceGuy]

I would of however now she had found out on a website that I was looking to meet new people. I made the choice to break up with her about a week ago, and anytime I brought it up she avoided it. Yes I know I am in the wrong. However I was over it at that point and wouldn't of cheated on her. Now she hates my guys and can possibly blackmail me... .is this a normal swing. It was hours earlier she wanted me back and now she hates me. Am I painted black forever or will she let up the hatred for a minute.