accused of doing too much research

[Marie-Louise]

Hi All.

My BPD daughter has accused me yesterday of researching to much on her condition. I was establishing boundaries regarding her driving the car alone. Since my husband and I noticed how she loves to speed, we decided that she could not drive the car alone anymore until she had some recovery under her belt. She got angry and said that she hated my boundary and to treat her like a normal person. She also admitted that she always knew how to change my mind and this was ridiculous. This truth sure hit me but I understand it is part of the resistance in the process. What a tug of war.

Unfortunately, my energy is draining because my mom's condition. She is accumulating water in her body and it is affecting her heart. I feel I am between two fires of life threatening situation. Time for me to get therapy as well. When I am tired, it is harder to keep responding instead of reacting. This learning process takes time and energy.

I am grateful for my husband's support through all of this... .I am not alone. I know that you (whoever reads this) is a support as well. There are support groups in my city. I am hoping to find the support I need there as well. All in due time.

Thanks for reading me, whoever you are. Every bite of support is appreciated.

Marie-Louise

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Marie-Louise &

I'm really sorry for the troubles you are having with your daughter, but I think it's great that you are reading and learning about how her mind works, and putting what you are learning into practice. It takes time for things to get better once we get a handle on how to communicate and deal with our child with BPD, but it will happen eventually... .

How old is your daughter? Do you have any other children? It's great that your Husband is your ally with your learning experience, and in the end a united front will go a long way to help your family. I am sorry for the health troubles your Mom is having 

Has your daughter actually been diagnosed? Is she undergoing treatment? Does she realize that she has a problem, and is she willing to get help for it? How is she doing emotionally and socially? Does she live with you? Does she, herself, have a knowledge of BPD?

I'm very glad you found us, Marie-Louise, and I hope you have the chance to read all of the links to the right-hand side of this page, and make sure to take some time with the TOOLS and THE LESSONS... .It's amazing how practicing and putting that information to use can really change a family dynamic. I found that happen for me, with my BPD son, and our whole family is doing really very well now that he's being treated for it and is really in recovery for it.

Please tell us more of your story, and read all you can around here (make sure to check out the Feature Articles which are linked to under the 4 photos at the top of the Parenting Board's thread page, too). We want to help 

[Marie-Louise]

Hello Rap reader,

My daughter is 18 living at home with my 22 year old son. She was diagnosed with Bpd at the hospital after her first suicide attempt. She spent time in the mental floor then came back home. 4 days later, ended back in the hospital with a second attemps. This time for 12 hours in the emergency. It was a very stressful time to learn everything quickly to save my daughters' life. The therapy sessions were 10 days after her first release. It was the longest 10 days of my life. The next crisis I was able to use the crises line and calm her down myself. I started to recognize what triggers her and when she escalate. The hardest part was to not panic myself in the process.  I do validation for a living. I do a Montessori approach to Alzheimer. I never thought that this was exactly what my daughter needed. She has always been a challenge for me since she has been young. I homeschooled both my children. She did not want to do highschool on line. She adapted well in school but her issues started to grow in grade 9. She had to leave grade 12 after the first suicide attempt... .she new she needed help. The family doctor gave her some meds for depression and other meds for anxiety attacks. Little did I know this made her worst. She would take alcohol and use the pills to stay on a high. She was experiencing more anxiety attack at school. She attempted with 45 pills and alcohol. The doctor told her if she would of used the other pills, she would not have survived. That was scary. I am very happy she is still alive and I get a second chance to improve our relationship and that therapy can restore her to health. She also saw a psychologist that never saw she was BPD. I really question his services.

She is now in the day hospital for two hours from Monday to Friday for 8 weeks. They are learning about emotions and anxiety. She is with introverts, older people... .she misses her friends and school. She also has a therapist who is impressed on how my girl takes notes, reflects on her life and writes down her issues. My girl always has been fascinated by how the human body works. She wants to be a paramedic. I am very proud of her devotion to want to get help and fully embracing the process. It does not take away her reactions or her mood swings. Now I understand who she is and how she works. It is such a relief for me. Her session for BPD is only in 6 months for my daughter. Even the 8 weeks lessons for family of BPD is starting only in September. By the time we get to it, we will have learned on our own.

With mom's health and my daughter's issues... .oh yes my dad is loosing his memory: I have a lot on my plate. I know I need a support group and therapy for myself. I am looking into that. This chat room has been a God sent. I am learning with the tools and lessons. I also read how to love someone  with BPD. It has greatly helped. When I look through the struggles we had over the years, it all make sense now.

Marie-Louise

[Rapt Reader]

I'm so very sorry for all of your family sadness, Marie-Louise, but happy that it seems that your daughter is making some progress. It takes a while, but if she is interested in figuring this out, she can... .My own adult (38) son was diagnosed with BPD in April 2013, and is now doing so well in his recovery that he would not even be diagnosed with BPD today. There is hope for your daughter 

Hang in there... .The Therapy will be worth it, for all of you. In the meantime you and your daughter are doing what you can to take the right steps... .Another good book for you to check out is "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr; many of us parents on the Board have found it very useful.

A couple of books that my son found helpful was "The Buddha and the Borderline" by Keira Van Gelder & "get me out of here" by Rachel Reiland. They were written by women who had BPD as teens and older, but got help and have recovered. He really learned a lot from those books and has told me to recommend them to other parents for their children with BPD.

I'm so happy that you are finding good information on this site, and I encourage you to keep reading and telling us what is going on. We all are in the same boat, and rowing together really makes it easier 

[livednlearned]

Hi Marie-Louse,

I wanted to join Rapt Reader in welcoming you to the site, and to see how you're doing. I wonder if your daughter is thinking, "My mom is figuring me out" and she wants to put some brakes on that 

I'm so sorry that your daughter attempted suicide, and can only imagine how long those 10 days must've been for you while you waited for services. And how frustrating that the first psychologist did not seem to know what was really going on with your daughter.

What is the relationship between your son and daughter like? How is he handling the amount of stress in the home, and is able to be a source of support for you?

We are here for each other, and we also know how much it helps to write things out.

LnL

[Marie-Louise]

Hi Lnl,

My son is 4 years older so he is handling it OK. He also works shifts work so he has not always been around when we were living crisis times. She loves to hang out with her brother's friends. Sometimes I encourage them to give each other some space. She always wanted to be the oldest. She hates being the baby of the family. Patience is not an easy quality for BPD people. They want everything now. I have tried to work on that weakness for years but now with the understanding of the disorder, I see how intense it is for them to wait. Lots of validation and support to get to the desired goal. My son does not really know how to validate her yet. So much to learn in such a small amount of time.

Why do I feel that our whole family living depends on my dBPD? We were invited to go to Easter diner at my mother's in law's home. We take turns receiving for Easter. This year, my husband decided that we will not attend... first time in 25 years. My dBPD does not want to talk to the 3 aunts and mother in law in the nursing field. She does not want to be bombarded with questions and advice. I think she should just send an email stating she does not want to talk about why she left school.

In the mean time, my mom is not doing well. She has accumulated water in her lungs, legs, liver and intestines.  She is taking diuretics which is helping but there are always threats of sending her to the hospital. When that happens, dad gets totally confused because he has the beginning of dementia. Yep, when it rain it pores. My parents live in a retirement home but I know they will soon end up in a nursing home.  So now, I have to coordinate between my dBPD and mom's condition. Yep... .I am next... .I need therapy.

Thanks for reading me... .I really appreciate it

Marie-Louise

[lbjnltx]

Why do I feel that our whole family living depends on my dBPD? We were invited to go to Easter diner at my mother's in law's home. We take turns receiving for Easter. This year, my husband decided that we will not attend... first time in 25 years. My dBPD does not want to talk to the 3 aunts and mother in law in the nursing field. She does not want to be bombarded with questions and advice. I think she should just send an email stating she does not want to talk about why she left school.

This is a solution focused good idea Marie-Louise... .having a discussion w/your daughter about setting this boundary with her aunts is healthy and coaching her on how she may reply if her boundary is violated would be helpful too!  This is a good example of how boundaries can help keep us in relationships.

In the mean time, my mom is not doing well. She has accumulated water in her lungs, legs, liver and intestines.  She is taking diuretics which is helping but there are always threats of sending her to the hospital. When that happens, dad gets totally confused because he has the beginning of dementia. Yep, when it rain it pores. My parents live in a retirement home but I know they will soon end up in a nursing home.  So now, I have to coordinate between my dBPD and mom's condition. Yep... .I am next... .I need therapy.

Thanks for reading me... .I really appreciate it

Marie-Louise

Honestly Marie-Louise it does help to have a therapist.  Did you know that for the therapists that practice DBT with their BPD patients part of the program is for the therapist to talk to a therapist?  That is indicative of how much we, as parents, can need support/therapy too.

lbj