Ex is worrying me more

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My ex has uBPD, sees two therapists, and gets triggered by medical and school issues and gets very angry. He also does things to be controllign and spiteful without putting the kids first. For example, just before I left him, he put our baby and toddler on the edge of a very high bed, just to scare me into making me think they'd fall off. IT was at that moment I realized he'd put his control and anger before the kids' welfare. When I was getting divorced, lawyers said "Well, he was doing that to scare you. He didn't really hurt them." While that's true, he turns into another person when triggered and even got into a car accident while driving to see our last Parent Coordinator, because he was so uncomfortable seeing her (she was a psychiatrist so she was on to him).

So our 1.5 years of divorce has been me trying to parent well without triggering him. For example, he has demanded doc appointments at times that weren't convenient for me, but I made them to appease him. I also have set some boundaries too.

Anyway, for the last four weeks, he's been acting as if he's off his antidepressants. He went off last year and our then-PC advised me to get supervised visitation until he got back on.

So now he may or may not be off again, we haven't seen our new PC much, and he has done some things like call me at work 17 times to ask supposed health questions about the kids, but really to bother me. I sent him an email recently telling him teh incessant calls had to stop, and they mostly did, not completely.

Anyway, tonight we had a doc appointment regarding a condition our older child has. I had sent him, months ago, in the mail the equipment he needs in case child has an emergency (I'm not getting specific in case he ever finds this). Child hasn't had a problem so far and probably won't, but it's to be on the safe side.

So at the doc's office tonight, he claimed I NEVER gave him the equipment! I produced my phone which actually showed a photo he had taken of said equipment and texted to me once he had set it up. Then he claimed that ok, he had it but it was broken and he needed a new one. I was horrified that he'd pretend I never gave him working equipment just to get back at me.

Long story short, the doc had a sample she gave him. Now he can't claim he doesn't have it. But it greatly disturbs me that he'd say something like that to get my goat, and to force me to buy new equipment.

I know in my heart he could hurt them one day. I know I have said this here before, but not done anything about it, and been criticized. Seems to me judges don't do anything unless you have more damning evidence. Maybe they're right; I can't support my claim right now. I don't think it's useful to go to court for supervised visitation if I'm not going to get it, and  it's going to ratchet things up. I'd like to go to court for some other things (including get a new parent coordaintor who's much betetr) but I am concerned about court himself pushing him to the edge while he has the kids, too. Court in my state would take months, and then he's still taking the kids while he's angry at me.

I should say that when they are with him on his weekends, they are largely fine. STill, I worry a lot anyway. It is at pickups when he seems angry at times.

Do I just sit on my hands and wait for him to do something a judge will take seriously? I will ask our PC about my concerns. She is legally unable to contact his docs without his permission, the way we have it. We've also only seen her once. I guess I will tell her this stuff, but I dunno, guess I wanted to put down this latest chapter. Maybe I get triggered by his triggers and maybe he will calm down and then I will be less worried. He and I are also deciding when to see the PC a second time and he is pushing it back, claiming he can't meet for a month. I don't know that I can force him. I am seeing my T tomorrow too.

[momtara]

My ex has uBPD, sees two therapists, and gets triggered by medical and school issues and gets very angry. He also does things to be controllign and spiteful without putting the kids first. For example, just before I left him, he put our baby and toddler on the edge of a very high bed, just to scare me into making me think they'd fall off. IT was at that moment I realized he'd put his control and anger before the kids' welfare. When I was getting divorced, lawyers said "Well, he was doing that to scare you. He didn't really hurt them." While that's true, he turns into another person when triggered and even got into a car accident while driving to see our last Parent Coordinator, because he was so uncomfortable seeing her (she was a psychiatrist so she was on to him).

So our 1.5 years of divorce has been me trying to parent well without triggering him. For example, he has demanded doc appointments at times that weren't convenient for me, but I made them to appease him. I also have set some boundaries too.

Anyway, for the last four weeks, he's been acting as if he's off his antidepressants. He went off last year and our then-PC advised me to get supervised visitation until he got back on.

So now he may or may not be off again, we haven't seen our new PC much, and he has done some things like call me at work 17 times to ask supposed health questions about the kids, but really to bother me. I sent him an email recently telling him teh incessant calls had to stop, and they mostly did, not completely.

Anyway, tonight we had a doc appointment regarding a condition our older child has. I had sent him, months ago, in the mail the equipment he needs in case child has an emergency (I'm not getting specific in case he ever finds this). Child hasn't had a problem so far and probably won't, but it's to be on the safe side.

So at the doc's office tonight, he claimed I NEVER gave him the equipment! I produced my phone which actually showed a photo he had taken of said equipment and texted to me once he had set it up. Then he claimed that ok, he had it but it was broken and he needed a new one. I was horrified that he'd pretend I never gave him working equipment just to get back at me.

Long story short, the doc had a sample she gave him. Now he can't claim he doesn't have it. But it greatly disturbs me that he'd say something like that to get my goat, and to force me to buy new equipment.

I know in my heart he could hurt them one day. I know I have said this here before, but not done anything about it, and been criticized. Seems to me judges don't do anything unless you have more damning evidence. Maybe they're right; I can't support my claim right now. I don't think it's useful to go to court for supervised visitation if I'm not going to get it, and  it's going to ratchet things up. I'd like to go to court for some other things (including get a new parent coordaintor who's much betetr) but I am concerned about court himself pushing him to the edge while he has the kids, too. Court in my state would take months, and then he's still taking the kids while he's angry at me.

I should say that when they are with him on his weekends, they are largely fine. STill, I worry a lot anyway. It is at pickups when he seems angry at times.

Do I just sit on my hands and wait for him to do something a judge will take seriously? I will ask our PC about my concerns. She is legally unable to contact his docs without his permission, the way we have it. We've also only seen her once. I guess I will tell her this stuff, but I dunno, guess I wanted to put down this latest chapter. Maybe I get triggered by his triggers and maybe he will calm down and then I will be less worried. He and I are also deciding when to see the PC a second time and he is pushing it back, claiming he can't meet for a month. I don't know that I can force him. I am seeing my T tomorrow too.

[momtara]

Oh to add something:

He wanted us to go get dinner with him and the kids after the doc appointment tonight. I politely said I'd like to not do that now because I wanted to avoid fighting and we had been tense lately. This is, I think, what made things worse and made him kind of angry at the appointment. While we were waiting for the doc he started saying to the kids, ":)on't you want us all to go for pizza after?" trying to use them to manipulate me. I said to him, "Is that the person you want to be?" I still said no to dinner. If we had all gone to dinner after the appointment it would have surely placated him for a while. It might have just led to him asking to do it again though. It's so hard every day to know if I'm doing the right thing.

[ForeverDad]

He wanted us to go get dinner with him and the kids after the doc appointment tonight. I politely said I'd like to not do that now because I wanted to avoid fighting and we had been tense lately. This is, I think, what made things worse and made him kind of angry at the appointment. While we were waiting for the doc he started saying to the kids, ":)on't you want us all to go for pizza after?" trying to use them to manipulate me. I said to him, "Is that the person you want to be?" I still said no to dinner. If we had all gone to dinner after the appointment it would have surely placated him for a while. It might have just led to him asking to do it again though. It's so hard every day to know if I'm doing the right thing.

What if he was remarried, you were remarried, or there were BFs/GFs?  Would you feel comfortable with a group meal together?  Likely not.  You are divorced and now live relatively separate lives except for the parenting aspects.  So what is the difference now that you feel guilted into sharing a meal?  The only difference is that there aren't new relationships - yet.  Being divorced, your boundary to say No is appropriate, it will become much more obvious once one or both of you start new relationships.

Does that objective vs subjective example help?

[momtara]

Yes, and of course. Thank you!

[GaGrl]

Your children are now at an age when it could be confusing to then to experience dinners and events with both parents together, acting in an intact family manner.  If Mommy and Daddy aren't going to be a couple, then the children shouldn't be confused by seeing them act in a coupled way.  That should be reason enough for avoiding social interactions like family dinners.

I'm sure he thinks its a good idea, but he still (apparently) has wishes and hopes.

Still not a good idea.