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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Happiness after an BPD r/s...  (Read 783 times)
sun seeker
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« on: March 29, 2015, 01:23:16 PM »

 Hello all

What a journey in self awareness and discovery this is/has been.  My idea of happiness and who I am used to so different than it is now. i was always aware that only i could make my self happy. (but not whole heartedly) i used to believe that a vehicle or more money or yes even the right person (so) could make ME happy.  (I was so wrong) Now I have learned that all this I have said is what I THOUGHT would make/help me find happiness. When in all actuality happiness is inside of me and it has always been there.

These thoughts are not real, I cant touch them , i cant hold them they are just thoughts.  These thoughts are the story in my head that I fool myselfs into  believing how to obtain holiness. While achieving many of these they only brought temporary joy/  enhanced my life. It is/was not true sustainable happiness. The right People and objects are only going to enhancen your life. They will never ever bring you hapiness only you are able to achieving this internally.

We really should ask ourselfes what truly (bottom line) will make us happy?

Also ask yourself who you truly are...

And the only true answer to this question is a peacefull/ fullfulling life. Yea its that simple.

I could say ice cream makes me happy. (Wrong) the thought of ice cream makes me happy.

Im happy when I think of ice cream it not there I cant touch it . Thoughts are not real. It the story your mind. How long do you stay happy after eating ice cream . You dont.

No amount of money , career , boat , truck , houses ,  people, or opions/thoughts of people or our exBPDer  should not have any effect on true happines. . All of these things do not define who you are nor do they make anyone better than anyone else.  I am not my job , bank account balance , my truck, and im sure as hell not what my dexBPDgf was telling me or others who/what I am.

After the b/u of the BPD r/s I was forced to look for who am I truly.

When you learn that our thoughts ( the story in all our heads ) are not real , you cant touch them or hold them no matter how much you want to believe they are real , they are not. Its a script that is subject to change. You can not control the next thought that comes into you mind. (I challenge you to try) If we couldn we would never think negative thoughts. Correct? I mean who in the hell wants to have negative thoughts. I sure as hell dont. Just by being aware of what thoughts you should and shouldn't allow to play in your mind will start you being at peace with in your self.

Let me put it like this.

Imagine Some complete stranger walks up to you and says you are an horrible mom/dad.  What would you think or how would it effect you and your happiness?  it wouldnt!

Now imagine  if your SO said this. It might have a profound effect on yor happiness. But why?

This is just his thought it means nothing , its not real , its not real you cant touch it ,  hold it.  His/Her opinion is just that HIS/Hers. Yea you may have done something that was not ideal  but that doesnt define who you are good or bad. Just like all the good you do doesnt define who you are either.

Why are we not letting the srangers opinion effect us.  hmmmm.

Thats just it!  we are putting value to other people's opinions/words. Which in reality these opinions/thoughts from an outside source mean nothing , zero ,  zilch , big fat goose egg... Only( what we think and feel about ourselves truly matters)

Why would we ever let anyone or anything have that kind of power over us. Like  our exBPDer. I let her have a tremendous amount of power over my happiness. I knew the things she was slandering me with where not truthfull  but I started to believe her on some level.

Once you learn that while you can not control your thoughts but you can choose to be self aware of what thoughts should be nurtured and what thoughts should be discarded. You will find a peaceful place in life.

This is of course waht I have learned thay helps me to find happiness with in me. I am still a work in progress . Hopefully it will help someone as well. You may not agree but that is your opinion/thought it is NOT REAL it is just the story in your head you choose to believe.





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HappyNihilist
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« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2015, 02:00:34 PM »

Thank you so much for posting this, sun seeker.   What beautiful realizations!

After the b/u of the BPD r/s I was forced to look for who am I truly.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

There's a lot of personal wisdom here, and again, I'm so glad you shared this with us. I just wanted to bring out my personal favorite parts.

While achieving many of these they only brought temporary joy/  enhanced my life. It is/was not true sustainable happiness. The right People and objects are only going to enhancen your life. They will never ever bring you hapiness only you are able to achieving this internally.

We really should ask ourselfes what truly (bottom line) will make us happy?

Also ask yourself who you truly are...


And the only true answer to this question is a peacefull/ fullfulling life. Yea its that simple.

All of these things do not define who you are nor do they make anyone better than anyone else. 

Why would we ever let anyone or anything have that kind of power over us. Like  our exBPDer. I let her have a tremendous amount of power over my happiness. I knew the things she was slandering me with where not truthfull  but I started to believe her on some level.

Once you learn that while you can not control your thoughts but you can choose to be self aware of what thoughts should be nurtured and what thoughts should be discarded. You will find a peaceful place in life.

You're doing great work on your journey of self-discovery. Keep taking care of You. 

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sun seeker
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« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2015, 02:41:45 PM »

 Hey Happy

This what I have  learned through sessions with my T and through  personal growth. Thank you for reading and sharing. Writing is obviously not one of my strenghs and it was done on my phone.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) .

         Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Trog
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« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2015, 03:02:51 PM »

Not only a strangers thoughts or our exBPD thoughts, even our own thoughts are not real, they're an interpretation and the easiest way to see this is to see how disregulated they become if you take a drink or you're over tired, the whole world can seem to be a terrible place just missing a nights sleep and you're unable to function.

It has taken me a VERY long time (11 months) to see the break up as an opportunity to get my emotional self in order and I am happy that this lesson was reflected on me thanks to breaking up with my exBPD with whom my relationship never stood a chance. My only wish isn't that it didn't happen is that it happened sooner but I guess we can't ever change that and in any case I'm pleased that my next relationship, whenever that may come and im in no hurry to push time and neither could I if I wanted, that I will be a much much better place to choose a non co-dependent relationship thanks to better self esteem and the work I'm doing on myself.

The work now is in finding my true self and inner "happiness" and authenticity, most of us here will be coda people pleasers and its a short term painful road to take, the answers seem to lie in the past but going into oneself and analysing the break up as something you had coming and taking responsibility feels far far better than just raging internally at my ex.

Still not out of the woods, but think I'm on the right path finally and the peace is amazing and far better than I felt during my relationship with my ex.
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ReluctantSurvivor
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« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2015, 07:11:22 PM »

Thank you for sharing sun.  I believe that those of us that stick around long enough to be troubled by a pwBPD are great people.  A person lacking compassion and strength would never have stuck through the trauma.  A BPD experience is an opportinity to temper our greatness into something more balanced.  The tribulations that the people here have gone through are soul shattering, but when we begin to heal and pick up the pieces we all have a chance to build a better self.  Personally I have found that the love and compassion that I gave my pwBPD was something I neglected to give to myself.  I have been hurt to the core but I am stronger because of it.
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Angry obsessive thoughts about another weaken your state of mind and well being. If you must have revenge, then take it by choosing to be happy and let them go forever.
― Gary Hopkins
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