Sole custody and choice of therapist

[newlifeBPDfree]

I have sole custody of my D11. I have been trying to get her into therapy but I'm having a lot of problems with my exPBDh. He does not want me to take her to a therapist I chose and "poisoned" against him. Therefore he found her a new therapist and he is refusing to tell me who it is. He said he is a father and he can choose whoever he wants. Which I dont think it's true, just need confirmation.

Also, he still expects me to give him money for copay and I'm not even sure how he's going to pay for the visit since I carry the insurance and he definitely did not go to the insurance provided specialist. I've been going back and forth with him trying to find out the name of the tehrapist and all I'm getting is him lashing back, accusing me of not spending quality time with my daughter and whoring myself on match.com (false of course.)

Any tips on how to handle him at this point? I'm literally falling apart from all this drama he is causing.

[Nope]

First, take a deep breath. What he wants most is to get you worked up and totally focused on him. He is feeling powerless and so he is acting out in every way he can think of to make you feel like the powerless one. But the truth is thay if you have sole (I'm assuming that also means sole decision making authority?) custody he has absolutely nothing backing him up about any of this in the legal sense.

Make sure you keep all of your communication with him over email so there is documentation of his insults, distortions, and demands. Keep your responses short. Ignore anything he says that doesn't directly have to do with D11. Tell him what you will do and what you will be responsible for. Ignore further temper tantrums and attempts at engagement.

Example:

Dear [Name],

I have found a counselor for D11. The name and contact information are [blah blah blah]. I will be taking her to her counseling appointments on my parenting time. I feel this counselor us well qualified and also works with my insurance carrier. Our financial responsibility for D11's counseling is $X... .

Sincerely,

[You]

After that, if he wants to haul D11 to other appointments on his time you can't really stop him. But he is doing so without your consent, you don't have to pay for any of it, and if he does actually come clean with information about who or where it is you can contact them with a copy of the order of sole custody and get it stopped.

[ForeverDad]

The professionals do not want a child to have two counselors or therapists.  Maybe there can be a tandem relationship that can work together, such as the selected counselor/therapist and the school's counselor.  But not "dad's therapist" and "mom's therapist".  Disclaimer... .I am not a therapist, counselor or attorney, this is just what I've come to understand through my own experiences and those of the other members here in peer support.

If you have sole custody, then you make the major decisions and his protests are just that, verbal noise without real authority.  Even if he had some involvement in custody, you clearly have the lead and so you can rest assured that only the court's authority could say otherwise.  Yes, he could take you to court and try to get something changed but until then you proceed with your decisions.

The same goes for which school your children should attend.  If you have sole custody then almost surely you are also deemed the Residential Parent for School Purposes.  He could protest and demand children go to his schools, but there is no authority backing up the demands.

If at some point the court decides the unthinkable - you would never settle or mediate for this - that it should be joint legal custody, then try your best to have Decision-Making or Tie-Breaker status.  That way it would be harder for your ex to obstruct or delay important decisions.

To illustrate, recall the old saying, the irresistible force versus the brick wall?  Well, clearly your ex is trying to be the Irresistible Force, endlessly demanding and pressuring, figuring that eventually you will weaken and give in.  You have no choice but to be the Brick Wall, solid in your well-reasoned and firm boundaries.  Any weakening on important issues in a vain attempt to be accommodating will not be reciprocated but instead would be a virtual invitation to do it again and again.

[momtara]

If you have sole custody, do you have sole decisionmaking? I don't believe he can say no. I mean, he can say what he wants. Usually an agreement is very specific about that - do you just have to DISCUSS, or do you both have to agree before you see any professionals? I'd guess you both have to discuss. You can send a letter bouncing it off him and let him know that unless he has any reasonable objections, you'll be taking him.

As for his secret therapist, he likely does not exist. But of course you deserve the name. He isn't asking your permission even though you want his. If you share legal custody you should both have a right to the info. You could always agree to pay half the copay at the time of the visit as long as you have 7 days' notice so you can go to the visit as well. Both parents are usually allowed to attend any doctors' visits.

My exH claimed last month that he was taking our child to a new doctor during his time. I got worked up but my T said to let it happen and that it was unlikely, anyway. I looked up the practice and they don't take a patient unless the insurance has them designated as the primary caregiver. Therefore, he couldn't even really see that doctor. ExH was lying.

[newlifeBPDfree]

Thank you all for your replies. My understanding is that my sole legal custody gives me decision making right as to the physicians she goes to. I'm going to meet with an attorney and clarify it, but i'm pretty sure that's the case. He never showed up to our divorce court date so I basically got divorce by default and custody of our daughter. Additionally, he is really proving that he is unfit father and not even a candidate for joint custody in the future. He is threatening me that my sole custody status is going to be short lived but I'm not taking the threats too seriously as he has no job, lives at his ex girfirnds one bedroom apartment, proved that he cannot take a high road and communicate about our daughter's best interests. I'm literally drowning in documentation from all his harassing emails and text messages. 

A simple question to him regarding our daughter turns into a several-hour rant. Additionally, he notoriously asks me for clean clothes 10 minutes before school starts and i'm on my way to work if he has her for the night. He plans everything really poorly then calls me a bad mother because I refuse to give in. I'm just tired of dealing with him. I thought by having sole custody I would have more freedom to do things by his grasp on our daughter is too strong and he manipulates her to get his way a lot.

[livednlearned]

Hi newlifeBPDfree,

I'm sorry you're going through this. Nope makes a great point about what your ex is doing (focusing the attention on himself), and momtara points out something that is common -- the other parent doesn't have much follow-through. There is probably no therapist your ex will approve.

Sometimes, it helps to get a third party involved. For example, the problem is that your ex sees you as the "authority" that he has to fight against. But if you can find another "authority," someone your ex sees as neutral, then let them recommend a good T. Some members here have had luck getting the school guidance counselor to recommend someone.

One thing that also helps is learning to write very brief emails like Nope suggested. Stating the facts, not asking open-ended questions, not apologizing. This won't necessarily stop your ex from raging, but over time, you may begin to see a pattern. Where you take reasonable action and declare what you are doing, perhaps why. Your ex rages. But also begrudgingly complies. That was the pattern my ex did. It got easier to endure the bluffing because over time I also realized that he didn't have enough executive function to put together the string of actions needed that he was threatening to do. Your ex may have his own pattern that you see, and that can help you predict whether or not he is likely to follow through with his intentions.

[newlifeBPDfree]

One thing that also helps is learning to write very brief emails like Nope suggested. Stating the facts, not asking open-ended questions, not apologizing. This won't necessarily stop your ex from raging, but over time, you may begin to see a pattern. Where you take reasonable action and declare what you are doing, perhaps why. Your ex rages. But also begrudgingly complies. That was the pattern my ex did. It got easier to endure the bluffing because over time I also realized that he didn't have enough executive function to put together the string of actions needed that he was threatening to do. Your ex may have his own pattern that you see, and that can help you predict whether or not he is likely to follow through with his intentions.

I have noticed that when I stop defending myself and answer questions clearly and succintly but only when it relates to my daughter I feel better about everything. However, it takes a lot out of me not to respond to his rages. I guess it requires a lot of self-control on my part and modification of my past habits., In the past I would respond back angrily and point out everything that is wrong. I keep learning and this site definitely helps.

[livednlearned]

I have noticed that when I stop defending myself and answer questions clearly and succintly but only when it relates to my daughter I feel better about everything. However, it takes a lot out of me not to respond to his rages. I guess it requires a lot of self-control on my part and modification of my past habits., In the past I would respond back angrily and point out everything that is wrong. I keep learning and this site definitely helps.

This is a really big accomplishment! Yes, it takes a lot of self-control, and exactly like you describe, it's a modification of past habits. Changing how you react is no small thing. Over time, it gets easier. It helped me to have a lawyer and PC demonstrate what it looked like to have strong, assertive boundaries. And over time, everything they said kept coming true, so I started to trust that they were right. Members here can provide that same guidance. It will feel strange to change how you respond, and might not seem to rain confetti each time you do something different, but over time it adds up and then one day you realize you're reading a 5 page raging email and you aren't the least bit rattled.

I always think of this analogy about the Dalai Lama. Apparently when George Bush was president he made the comment to the Dalai Lama, "The Chinese are angry that you're coming to the US and that we're treating you like the representative of a country." Or something like that. And the DL responded, "Oh, they always get like that."

[momtara]

It goes to the whole "don't engage" and "negative engagement is still engagement" thing that's talked about a lot here.  It is very hard not to respond, especially since you want him to do what's right for your daughter. But be succinct, don't ask questions that he can say "no" to, and don't feed his need for attention.

Incidentally, I did call the doctor's office my ex claimed he was going to take my son to, and they had no record of him.  My ex wouldn't have paid the money anyway. He was angry that I had so much control, so he wanted to take a little away from me. And you know what? It DID feel scary. I HATED that feeling of my ex making a doctor's appointment without asking me. So I was able to get into the head of the other person a little bit. He doesn't deserve more control or more time with my kids, but I do see how scary and hurt he is that I get to make all these decisions. That doesn't justify his cruel behavior but does kind of explain it. So I try not to be harsh in my language or tone, but also don't want to give him an in to cause problems. I've been separated/divorced from him since late 2012 and I am still learning all of this and still caught up in it. It's a very hard thing, so don't be hard on yourself for not knowing how to deal with it.

[bravhart1]

I don't believe any reputable therapist would or legally can treat a minor without both parents consent and signature of release. If you have sole legal custody you can choose, and have your child go to therapy without his consent (which is why the courts granted you sole custody), but that therapist should have requested your filed copy of court order that states you have sole legal custody to do so.

[livednlearned]

but that therapist should have requested your filed copy of court order that states you have sole legal custody to do so.

The psychiatrist my son is seeing did not request the court order.   

Maybe it's a case-by-case basis?

[ForeverDad]

I did show my latest order to a therapist who saw my son for a while.  Granted, son had been there before for about 4 years but this was a new T.  The order said the T could decide whether mother was involved in therapy.  You should have seen her face when she said No.

[newlifeBPDfree]

The therapist I found said she would want both parents' permission to see my daughter. I told her I had sole custody, which she accepted and told me it was ok. But then I had a lot of problems with my ex being on board and my therapist said that she didnt want to get involved if he is so against her being the therapist.

So now because of him I lost a good therapist L(

[livednlearned]

The therapist I found said she would want both parents' permission to see my daughter. I told her I had sole custody, which she accepted and told me it was ok. But then I had a lot of problems with my ex being on board and my therapist said that she didnt want to get involved if he is so against her being the therapist.

So now because of him I lost a good therapist L(

If you have sole custody, you don't need him to be on board, do you? I have sole custody too. I feel my ex lost the privilege to be involved in decisions about my son's mental health. I don't feel I owe it to him anymore, not until he can earn back that privilege.

Therapists don't want to work against a high-conflict parent, and they most certainly don't want to get sued. I can't blame them!

One mistake I made with the first therapist is that I told her too much. I wanted her to know what was going on so she could support S13. With the current psychiatrist, I don't go into the meetings with S13, and I don't talk to the psychiatrist alone at the end of the sessions. My son knows that I may make appointments to talk to his therapist, although I haven't done this yet. This is working for us, and I think S13 is making faster progress because he knows that this is truly his therapist. It took me a lot to get to this point, and we ended up going this route because of some trust issues that emerged (S13 felt the T and I were withholding information from him, which we were: ie. custody + court + mentally ill father).

Pay attention to the symbolic part of your relationship with the T, and how your child might interpret that. They often need to carve out a very lonely, small tiny area for themselves to make sense of both parents, and you want a T to help them with that patch. If your child feels that you are all up in that space, they might not share as much with the T, which inhibits the release they need, or the opportunity to resolve some of the negative feelings they are likely holding close.

[momtara]

I think you need to be clear (or get clarity from court) on whether you need his permission. You may have sole physical custody and share decisionmaking with him. If you have sole decisionmaking, he does NOT need to be "on board" and if you are losing good doctors just because you are being kind and reaching out, you shouldn't keep giving him the luxury. I don't know if you'd even need to tell him, necessarily. Losing good professionals because of the other person is a good reason to go to court to get sole decisionmaking. Or at least get it for medical decisions.

Of course, a therapist so thin-skinned might not be right for your situation anyway. But it sounds like some of them end up having problems in these situations and perhaps that's why she didn't want to get involved without both parties on board.

I share legal custody with my ex. I try to get him on board with everything, but I wish I didn't. I think things just go more easily if he complies, so if that's why you're doing it, or you're a bit intimidated by him (as I am), I understand. But if you're just doing it because you are following legal guidelines, and the legal guidelines are causing too many problems for your child, maybe it's time to get sole decisionmaking so you can pick the providers.

My agreement says that to take our kids to a new provider, I need his written permission - but he can't withhold it arbitrarily. He'd have to have a good reason.

[momtara]

Looks like I was posting at the same time as LandL. I, too, am guilty of telling too much. I do it to hopefully defuse the situation in advance. But it doesn't always work.

[Nope]

but that therapist should have requested your filed copy of court order that states you have sole legal custody to do so.

The psychiatrist my son is seeing did not request the court order.   

Maybe it's a case-by-case basis?

This is exactly why I think you should simply put a stop to it by giving the place a copy of the order once you find out where it is. You have sole custody but the counselors won't know to ask for something they don't know exists.

When the kids lived with their uBPD mom she took them for counseling after telling DH where she was taking them. They had 50/50 custody and the office made no attempt to verify anything at all with DH or ask that he sign any consent. As a matter of fact, by the time DH even got SD11's counselor on the phone to talk about his concerns, the counselor had already met with SD11 twice (only with BPD mom present), had determined that she was just fine and did not need counseling, and wrote in her report of treatment that it would not be good for SD11 to move away from her mom in the case of a custody dispute.  

[newlifeBPDfree]

If you have sole custody, you don't need him to be on board, do you? I have sole custody too. I feel my ex lost the privilege to be involved in decisions about my son's mental health. I don't feel I owe it to him anymore, not until he can earn back that privilege.

He was actually the one urging me to get a therapist for her, so he was on board initially. But once I found one and talked to her about our situation and tried to have him take her to an appointment he said he does not want one that I poisoned against him. The reason I wanted him involved is because my daughter always refused to see a therapist and he actually convinced her  to see one and he said he would drive her there (he does not have a full time job and is much more flexible as far as scheduling). But then it all went haywire... .