Sent the DD packing... Take Three

[reclaimed1]

Hello all -

I come back to this forum every once an awhile for a sanity check.

Our DD's (22) and Granddaughter's (2) belongings sit packed up next to me. What she didn't march off with, I mean. There is a "new drug" in her life, a new man. So I am just going to vent here tonight, if you don't mind.

Over the past last six weeks. DD has essentially moved in with her latest unsuspecting male, yet I continue to watch GD all night, M-F from 4:00pm-3:00am while she's supposed to be at Night School (which had a projected graduation date of December. However due to excessive missed attendance, she won't even graduate in June). Tensions have mounted between us, as they do when she's consumed with a new relationship, and the abuses increased.

My husband is a very involved sort, and we deeply love our GD. This morning we asked if DD would be moving back with us (due to an insurance loss, we have been in temp housing for a bit while the house is repaired). DD said,"Probably not." And then went some highly irrational conversation about marriage and my husband offered several reasonable paths for her to open discussion with New Man, but she would have none of it. The conversation escalated quickly into a string of abusive comments from her, as it generally does.

But this time my husband calmly said,":)D, please give me your apartment key. It is time for you to go." And that was it - conversation over. I do think this stunned her. Even though she's admitted only fifteen minutes previously that she's intending to move in with this guy in less than a week, this now makes it not her "dramatic exit - Stage Right". I was certainly surprised, since usually DH engages in her episodes, truly seeking to reason with her all the while she's manipulating. Later, after they left, he said he'd had enough of the manipulations and abuse, especially toward me. She's 22 and she can do what she wants, and she does.

I have packed up their items and will leave them outside, per her request.

You know, I have watched that baby and put her to bed at least 5 of 7 nights a week since she was two months old. There is no doubt we two are attached. Goodness, we take swim lessons and spend so much fun time together. It doesn't feel like losing a baby, like it did the last time DD briefly ran off with a guy (about a year ago, we were NC for 2 months). I just feel badly for this precious child and the situation she's in... .all the chaos. It bums me out that the children are the innocent casualties in BPD. She is bright, lively, and a ray of sunshine in our lives. I don't know what sort of future contact her mom will allow, but DD will continue to call the shots. But I'm confident we have endured as much as we can, at this point. It gives me hope that DD is selfish enough to want me to sit our grandchild as much as possible, once the Jeckyll/Hyde flip-flops.

We have three other healthy and productive kids in close age as her, and they all steer clear of her. But they adore their sweet niece.

Thanks for this forum to vent. I know you survivor grandparents are out there. Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello reclaimed1,

It's good to see you back here and the situation that has brought you back is aweful. 

I hope that your granddaughter will be safe and you will continue to have much great times together in the future.  This is all so hard to deal with.

Bless your hearts!

lbjnltx

[reclaimed1]

Thanks lbjnltx  much appreciated.

DH and I spent time discussing the situation. It's almost easier and less heartbreaking to assess the situation now that DD is older: we've dealt with her BPD for years, our other healthy kids are away at college and we have strong relationships with them, and we dearly love our GD. [BTW, she brought up her jealousies about all those relationships yesterday, even though we spend more time focusing on her/her baby than all the others combined. When I say "string of insults", I left out all that. It's a tiresome script she reads from - if you have a BPD child, you have heard this pattern.]

So what we have decided to do this morning is reach out to DD and offer to meet them for lunch. If she allows it, it could bridge the gaps. Meeting in public allows the dramatic outbursts an abuses to be minimal, and we will not be putting her possessions out in the hallway. That would only further alienate her and validate her feelings of abandonment. And that's not the result we want. And since we have only met Nee Man twice (which is twice more than ANY previous SO. And she has lived with three men, now four.), we want to make sure we allow for as open door as possible.

Yesterday, part of her disordered thinking was repeating,"We are married." So my husband said,"Then why aren't you living with your husband, growing together and supporting one another, together?" And her response was,"It's not time." But actually, living with us allows her to have a foot in both places, so she does not have to commit to him. Same pattern-New Man.

But beyond the disordered thinking, this is the time for her to go. And we would like that to be in a way which is supportive of her adult decisions. Her habitual dating/hooking up is going to take on a new perspective as she plays house with her daughter, and I'm not the constant free babysitter.

You know, as parents we really find we love and accept her where she is at, at any given moment, yet with boundaries (not cursing/yelling at us, in front of your child, etc). Tough love remains a balancing act. Generally DD wants very little to do with us - and that includes her circle o siblings. Her life is about HER, not even so much her own child. Our main priority is that of our GD at this point - keeping her nourished emotionally spiritually and physically, and that requires us to let DD call the shots. We respect that GD is her child, and defer to her. DD is not all Jeckyll - she can be just as much Hyde (when she's not dysregulated). 

The resources on this site and board remain a valuable tool in our ongoing dealing with an unhealthy young adult. Thank you again for reading, following, encouraging.

Reclaimed1

[livednlearned]

Hi Reclaimed1,

It took a lot of strength on your part, and your husband, to draw a boundary and ask your D to leave. It sounds like you are both ready for this to happen, even if it means seeing your GD less. Is GD's father no longer in the picture?

I like your plan to meet in a public place, and to exchange D's belongings in a low-conflict way, so that she can feel less triggered. It says a lot about you that you could take a step back to get centered and make a change that would be easier for your D without backing down from your boundary.

I remember reading that up until 25, we are still in a sort of extended adolescence, in terms of the brain continue to develop until it reaches full maturity. This is even harder when BPD is involved. You give your D an important sense of security at the same time a strong boundary when you keep the doors open for her. And you were able to do this while knowing that you might not see GD -- this is a lot!

I wonder if this boundary you have created will make D22 less likely to try and use GD to manipulate you? She might try, in order to test boundaries, because like you said she will want help with babysitting. I would think that if you can be strong with this boundary, while remain loving (validating, etc.), that perhaps it will be less of a push/pull using access to GD to try and control you.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, and your D and GD. 

[madmom]

Wow, reclaimed1 you and your husband are going through a lot with your daughter.  Like you, we have been dealing with BPD issues with my daughter who is now 26 for years.  About four years ago she moved out and it has been a bumpy road (she doesn't have any children so that is a big complication we haven't had to deal with).  Any way, moving out was the best thing that could have happened to all of us, even though it has only been in the last six months or so that have been really good for all of us. She made many, many poor choices, but now finally she has learned from her mistakes and is making gains in leaps and bounds that I could only dream were possible.  My husband and I now have time for ourselves and our other nonBPD children and with that, time to heal, work on our own boundaries and take care of our own needs things are so much better.  I hope this happens for you.  You and your husband sound like you are doing an excellent job, are reasonable, and have your priorities in place.  Good for you.  Please let us know how things go, I am anxious to hear more of your story.

[mggt]

Many hugs for you and h also sending prayers

[mggt]

I would swear you were telling my story this crazy disease God Bless our gds  

[reclaimed1]

Thank you all for taking the time to share. Your input and experiences are very helpful.

I agree with you, Livednlearned, about neurodevelopment. D was born at 2lb 2 oz - less than a kilo. Not only has she been "a fighter" all her life, there are studies on grown-up premie's brain volume neurodevelopment. We have been supportive of her growth process all along, and have tried to protect her from all the self-harm (textbook BPD). But at 22, these are her choices to live.

She and the BF did not choose to meet us for lunch. They did offer up next weekend (but I get empty promises from her often, so I'm not holding my breath). Her items are still here. There have been some texts exchanged, and the language in hers is diplomatic -- there's no way she is writing them. Therefore, our responses are caring but brief. It's still a mind game, even with that form of low-level communication.

As I mentioned, GD and I spend a great deal of quality time together. I'm praying for wisdom in that commitment. It's not an obligation. GD is family and she's a little gem. Mom is doing push/pull in the texts about our weeknight routine, so I am waiting til morning. Silence is golden

Thanks again for the listening ears 

[stepmomma]

We have this same situation with my SD19 and GD. Thanks for sharing, its nice to know we aren't in this alone.