Separated for 9 months and feeling peace & serenity about divorce

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Greetings.  Hard to know what to say.  I've read many of the posts, and it seems that so many of you know exactly what I'm going through.  I can guess I can hit some highlights:

• Married for 23 years to my wife.  Noticed BPD behaviors in the first year.



• She brought a little 2-year old girl into our marriage whom I later adopted



• We've had 4 boys together



• In 2008 she had back surgery to deal with chronic pain.  For six years she became addicted to prescription painkillers



• Addiction combined with BPD had our entire family in severe distress constantly



• Her raging and my attempts to soothe became our routine



• Last year our 17-year old son attempted suicide.  Fortunately a friend texted me, and I was able to get him to the ER. His life was saved.



• He was admitted to an inpatient facility.  As his mom and I visited he finally said to her, "I can't live with you and I can't live without you!"



• I knew we needed changes.  I asked my other kids to stand with me as I confronted mom and asked her to start getting help.  She raged and raged.



• That night she was taken against her will to the ER after texting suicide threats.  The attending doctor pulled me aside before he released her and told me to look into BPD.  First I'd heard of it.



• The next day she raged and raged at all of us.  I called a mobile mental health crisis team. One of the therapists told me to look at BPD.  It was the second time I'd heard the term.



• Early the next morning my 19-year old son killed himself.



• In the week leading up to the funeral we attended my wife's psychiatrist appt together (as ordered by the ER - safety plan).  I found out they had talked about BPD in several sessions.



• After the funeral we had an intervention with a family friend and a therapist.  She agreed to detox and rehab.



• Two months after rehab she was asking for percocet again.  Raged at me when I said I wasn't comfortable with that.  She raged at me.  I left her.



• We've been in therapy for the last 9 months, and at the last session I sat back and said one of the first "non-eggshell-walking" things I've said in years.  Complete honesty: "I'm exhausted with this relationship, and I have no more energy for it."



• At first she agreed to mediated divorce, but now she's texting me that she'll wait for me to come to my senses and our family is worth everything and that she loves me so much



• I'm resolute.  We will end in divorce.



• For the first time in 20+ years I feel I can actually breathe again.  I feel hope for the future.

So - that's me and my current situation.  My 17-year old son is now 18 and living with me.  My 15-year old son chose to live with me, so the three of us are in a little apartment together.  I call it our "palace of peace".  I'm not feeling any anger anymore (Al-Anon has helped a ton with that).  I'm sure my wife's sweetness will disappear when she gets the divorce papers.  I'm hopeful to be free in a few months.

Thanks for all the insight and honesty here.  It helps!

[getting_better]

Greetings.  Hard to know what to say.  I've read many of the posts, and it seems that so many of you know exactly what I'm going through.  I can guess I can hit some highlights:

• Married for 23 years to my wife.  Noticed BPD behaviors in the first year.



• She brought a little 2-year old girl into our marriage whom I later adopted



• We've had 4 boys together



• In 2008 she had back surgery to deal with chronic pain.  For six years she became addicted to prescription painkillers



• Addiction combined with BPD had our entire family in severe distress constantly



• Her raging and my attempts to soothe became our routine



• Last year our 17-year old son attempted suicide.  Fortunately a friend texted me, and I was able to get him to the ER. His life was saved.



• He was admitted to an inpatient facility.  As his mom and I visited he finally said to her, "I can't live with you and I can't live without you!"



• I knew we needed changes.  I asked my other kids to stand with me as I confronted mom and asked her to start getting help.  She raged and raged.



• That night she was taken against her will to the ER after texting suicide threats.  The attending doctor pulled me aside before he released her and told me to look into BPD.  First I'd heard of it.



• The next day she raged and raged at all of us.  I called a mobile mental health crisis team. One of the therapists told me to look at BPD.  It was the second time I'd heard the term.



• Early the next morning my 19-year old son killed himself.



• In the week leading up to the funeral we attended my wife's psychiatrist appt together (as ordered by the ER - safety plan).  I found out they had talked about BPD in several sessions.



• After the funeral we had an intervention with a family friend and a therapist.  She agreed to detox and rehab.



• Two months after rehab she was asking for percocet again.  Raged at me when I said I wasn't comfortable with that.  She raged at me.  I left her.



• We've been in therapy for the last 9 months, and at the last session I sat back and said one of the first "non-eggshell-walking" things I've said in years.  Complete honesty: "I'm exhausted with this relationship, and I have no more energy for it."



• At first she agreed to mediated divorce, but now she's texting me that she'll wait for me to come to my senses and our family is worth everything and that she loves me so much



• I'm resolute.  We will end in divorce.



• For the first time in 20+ years I feel I can actually breathe again.  I feel hope for the future.

So - that's me and my current situation.  My 17-year old son is now 18 and living with me.  My 15-year old son chose to live with me, so the three of us are in a little apartment together.  I call it our "palace of peace".  I'm not feeling any anger anymore (Al-Anon has helped a ton with that).  I'm sure my wife's sweetness will disappear when she gets the divorce papers.  I'm hopeful to be free in a few months.

Thanks for all the insight and honesty here.  It helps!

[livednlearned]

Hi getting_better,

I'm so sorry you lost your 19-year-old son  :'( 

On the Parenting a Child Who Has BPD board here, and you will find parents who struggle to cope with the emotional aftermath of their kids who have threatened, attempted, and commited suicide. You will find members who have grieved both the loss, as well as the attempt to commit suicide, and are struggling to piece things together.

How are your kids doing right now? Your S18? Do you feel he is at risk?

I identify so much with your "palace of peace" -- I'll never forget the feeling of entering my little apartment with no furniture that first year after we left (my son was 9 at the time). Being able to drive home, walk in the door with no dread, no raging inside, just peace and quiet. We had no kitchen table, no chairs, just two beds and a futon couch. It was like a slumber party there for a while  we would eat dinner sitting on the futon.

It says a lot that you can feel peace right now, and no anger. You have been through so much, even 20 years of marriage to someone with BPD, plus an addict, is a long, difficult trial to endure.

How can we support you as you prepare to end the marriage? You are right that your wife's sweetness will probably disappear when she is delivered divorce papers. Divorce is a form of legal abandonment. How far along are you in your planning? Do you know if your S15 can choose where he will live?

Please tell us more when you're comfortable doing so, and check with us to let us know how things are going for you.

LnL

[getting_better]

Thanks for the welcome, livednlearned!

My sons are feeling some peace and seem to be safe.  They are not making the best decisions for coping (getting into substances), but at least they seem to have a zest for life that I can only assume comes with hope for the future that they didn't have before.  My 18-year old is holding down a great Full Time job, and my 15-year old is doing well in school and making friends.  Very involved with extracurricular activities.  They like seeing mom once or twice a week for "snuggle-time".  She's a very loving and affectionate person.  Very supportive of her kids.

I'm talking with a friend tomorrow who is in the family courts system in my state, and I'm hoping he can give me some guidance.  I would love to do this divorce without lawyers, but I realize that may not be possible.  Perhaps my wife will see the wisdom in "No Fault" divorce.  Am I pipe-dreaming?

[ForeverDad]

I'm so sorry your son couldn't handle his life.  But it's good to hear your other children are improving.  Living in a calm and stable home will give them a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  So many of us felt we had to stay in a marriage no matter what but sometimes, in cases like ours, that's just not the right thing to do.  A few decades ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  You don't have to feel guilty about ending the dysfunction.  Taking action will enable your lives or at least a part of your lives to be spent be in a calm, stable environment - your home, wherever that is - away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.

Understand that her promises to behave better are just words and promises are no assurances that the roller coaster of chaos and blame won't resume again and again.  As you suspect, that can morph into rage and allegations in a moment.

There will be conflict, especially with custody and parenting aspects, but it's hard to predict the level of conflict in a separation and divorce.  Two things are to your advantage:  (1) The fact that she has a documented history of mental health issues.  (2) The children are nearly grown.

With a long marriage you may face a court system that is inclined to default you to extended support of your spouse, so find out what the alimony risks are.  More and more states are shifting to viewing post-marriage support (alimony) not as lifetime support but as transitional support into post-marriage life.  So you may face several years of support that may include career training or time to get a job, but there will be an end at some point.

Be careful to avoid any attempt to make it seem you had a part in her developing BPD or that she didn't have the roots of it even before you married.  This is her issue, you or the marriage didn't cause them.  So resist the suggestions or conclusions that you have to be part of her fix or her blame, such as providing her long term support.

[livednlearned]

That is wonderful news about how well your kids are doing   

Are they in counseling? They must have a lot of grief about their sibling, and about their mom being mentally ill. Often, families like ours need to learn how to emote in healthy ways, and how to process difficult feelings. Having a BPD parent is very invalidating, so kids with parents like this tend to have a higher than average need for validation, and that goes for us -- the ex spouses -- too.

getting_better, knowing your wife as you do, how do you think she will handle learning about the divorce? Is she likely going to try and turn you into a target of blame and recruit negative advocates? Or will she turn to pain killers and stonewall or obstruct the process as her defense. Do you have a sense based on past behaviors?

It's hard to predict because divorce is its own type of disaster and even non-disordered people can become unhinged. They may feel tremendous shame, feel like a failure, all the usual emotions.

jedimaster, one of our members here, is going through a divorce and his wife has been compliant so far. maxen, a board advisor on the site, also had a relatively low-conflict divorce. So it's possible. It's best to hope for the best and prepare for the worst, and factor in some of the BPD traits that tend to mark your wife's behavior.

One thing that is helpful is that you are already out of the house. So in many ways your wife has already experienced a very real type of abandonment, and yet she is able to express her sweet side with the kids.

I also think it helps to learn the same tools that our members in active relationships learn -- validation, SET (support, empathy, truth), wise mind, radical acceptance, setting boundaries. They help minimize conflict (although cannot make it go away completely), which would be helpful for your kids since they will have a relationship with her for life.

[getting_better]

Thanks so much for the counsel, ForeverDad & livednlearned. I so appreciate the support! 

I predict my wife will become unhinged when she realizes that I'm very serious about divorce.  I'm so grateful that she's in this "hoping I will come back to her" state because there's no turmoil, but I'm sure it will come eventually. In my experience with her she will split and see me as a monstrous person who's hell-bent on ruining her life. 

I consulted a couple of divorce attorneys last year when we separated and learned alot about what to expect.  What I'm not sure about now is how to file.  If I do it as a "No Fault" divorce it will still hurt her, but she might not spiral into rage.  If I do it with a complaint that details her history of crisis counseling, suicide threats (there are police and hospital records), detox, and rehab (all of which are documented), she will definitely rage.  Last year she did get an attorney and was prepared to serve me with a complaint of "Psychological Abuse", but then she backed off when we both realized that the trauma of losing a brother to suicide and then having the marriage end in the same year might be too much for our kids. 

I'll consult with some friends this week who are in the family court system to get some advice.  I just don't know if I should come out swinging or take the "No Fault" approach.

[livednlearned]

I just don't know if I should come out swinging or take the "No Fault" approach.

Have you read Splitting by Bill Eddy? It's one of the mainstay books recommended here. Eddy was a former social worker and is now a practicing law attorney. He noticed that the so-called "high-conflict" divorces in family law court were driven by at least one person with a personality disorder. So he has helped many of us (the non-disordered spouse) understand how family court works, and how people with PDs tend to engage with the legal system. The book is available to download to your computer on Amazon if you're eager to get it. And Eddy's website is: www.highconflictinstitute.com.

We also have a very helpful article here that summarizes the "assertive" approach you want to take when divorcing someone with BPD. You can read it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=270440.msg12566140#msg12566140

It does take a lot of thought and consideration to figure out the best strategy. I don't think you can avoid the conflict because it's BPD. You can, however, strategize in a way where you use the legal system to moderate the conflict. For example, you might ask for sole custody as a starting point. And then you go into mediation and end up with primary physical custody and joint legal. That way, your wife feels that she "won."

I learned over the years that the assertive approach is by far the best approach. Figure out your goals first. This can take some time to sort out. For example, your goal might be sole custody of your 15-year-old son. Fortunately, he is old enough that the court may let him decide where he wants to live, regardless of custody. Depending on how they do things where you live, that might mean you ask to be the primary physical parent, but you share joint legal custody. Your son may choose to live with you, but he will see his mom twice a week, similar to what you have been doing.

The key in a lot of these divorces is to understand that you are the person who will enforce the court orders. That means if your wife does not comply, you have to take her back to family law court to get her to comply, which is expensive and exhausting. So anything you decide on should have very specific language about what will happen if there is non-compliance. Otherwise you go back to court, the judge sees two people who don't know how to resolve problems, and then rules one way or another-- usually in ways that don't help matters.

So if you need your wife to do something, and know that she won't, try to include language to close that loophole, something that spells out the consequences. Or spells out how a disagreement will be handled, sort of problem-solving in advance. If you have to go back to court, at least the judge will see that she has agreed to the consequences or solution. For example, if you are going to sell the house and need her to comply, think about every single point where she can obstruct you, and have a solution or consequence described in the order. Maybe she has to pick three realtors by x date. If she does not have three by then, you get to choose a realtor. Same with appraisers. If you split the costs to have the house readied for selling, and she does not comply, all costs for services come out of the proceeds of the house. If someone makes an offer within 5% of the asking price, you have veto power. Things like that. If there is a showing, she must be out of the house. If she refuses, then she will be removed from the house. Etc.

Try to use leverage in very strategic ways, if there is anything like that in your situation. Lawyers don't usually think this way. They assume people will be reasonable, which is often not the case with BPD sufferers.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, the Splitting handbook is an essential for us.

Trying to hide information in an effort to be nice to the ex or to avoid triggering conflict very often can be self-sabotaging.  That otherwise fine quality is a distinct disadvantage in a high conflict divorce.  You might be thinking of her but she won't be reciprocating that concern for you.  We generally can't stop the ex from getting triggered, sometimes they just trigger themselves anyway without any input from us.  Yes, you can try a strategy in an attempt to limit the mud-slinging, but be aware that it could leave you 'exposed' and at a disadvantage if you tread lightly and she attacks with a stampede.

Don't feel guilted about revealing the real history.  Try to keep the blaming and emotions out of it - unwind the marriage in a businesslike manner - but think twice before throwing down your strong cards and playing a weak hand.  Court will not credit you for being nice and court may not make good decisions if crucial facts are downplayed or not presented... .

The person behaving poorly seldom gets consequences and the person behaving well seldom gets credit.

[getting_better]

My friend who works in the family courts system gave me some great advice today.  Said I could file for divorce mostly online, then go into the courts to finalize and either take a copy of the petition with me to talk to her about or just have her served.  The "nice and reasonable" thing for me to do would be to take the petition, perhaps mail it to her, and then ask if she would like to amend anything on it - perhaps try to collaborate with her so she feels like she has some control.  However, I feel like that might be a mistake.  Even though it feels like a sneak attack, I think I should just file and have her served.  Then she has only 20 days to answer.  She has a lot of difficulty getting her thoughts together and acting quickly, so I think my situation is better this way.  If I let her think about it and give input, I am 100% sure she will split and start raging, which she's going to do anyway.  I just can't help but think that the sooner the clock starts ticking the better.  Having her served essentially starts the clock.  The less time to deal with the agony the better. 

I guess it's not really a sneak attack.  I've been fairly consistent with my communication that I will be seeking a divorce and I want to help make the transition as smooth as possible for her; to which she usually responds, "I'm not giving up hope."  We have an appointment with the marriage counselor next week - on the 10th.  I think I'll have everything ready to go with the online petition and then reaffirm in the counseling session with the therapist right there that I'm moving ahead with divorce.  And then on Monday just engage the process server.  

Any advice / direction / thoughts about this plan are appreciated!

[ForeverDad]

which she's going to do anyway

This realization is one that often takes new members a long time to accept.  (Look up the stages of grieving a loss, Acceptance is one of the stages.)

I just can't help but think that the sooner the clock starts ticking the better.  Having her served essentially starts the clock.  The less time to deal with the agony the better.

As in... .Why pull off the bandaid slowly?  As much as we want to be nice about it and be slow, it's best when done without influence of emotions, keep it businesslike and proceed.

We have an appointment with the marriage counselor next week - on the 10th.  I think I'll have everything ready to go with the online petition and then reaffirm in the counseling session with the therapist right there that I'm moving ahead with divorce.  And then on Monday just engage the process server.

If she has ever threatened or contemplated making allegations of DV or child abuse, then that weekend could be a risky one if you are ever around her without independent witnesses to confirm you aren't abusing.  Depending on her motivations and concerns, she may feel she has to make you look worse than her - or at least make you look At Fault - and false allegations (viewed by the professionals as passive, Sgt Schultz I-Know-Nothing 'unsubstantiated' often are made just before and during separation.  And when allegations are made by either gender, when left to "he-said she-said" the female gender gets the biggest response.  To which I say to the males (and unprepared reasonably normal non-disordered females too) ... .be aware, beware.

[getting_better]

Thanks, ForeverDad.  Very validating to get input on my thinking and immediate future.  I much appreciate you sharing your thoughts.