Do I contact her?

[Urchin]

Its been 2.5 months, no contact. (she broke up out of the blue) Am i pushing her away or hurting her by not contacting/reaching out to her.   I do care about her deeply , I want to be a positive influence on her .

[JRT]

Hi Urchin

Welcome here. Bummed that you are going through this, its a really tough spot to be in.

Mine sold her redundant stuff, moved in then moved out suddenly and abruptly while I was out of town. I can definitely relate. The problem that those of us in similar situations face; where we logically feel that as a member of a relationship, that we should approach our PO'd partner and be able to work through the problems that we have towards a solution that works for both. But ours have a personality disorder which prevents them from using the same sort of logic than we use. There's is based upon there disorder and feelings count as fact to them and you might have little or no awareness of those feelings (if yous is like mine).

Notwithstanding, given the push/pull nature of the disorder, going after her (though it seems like the perfectly natural and logical thing for you to do) will sever only to push her away further - trust me on this one; I have never read about it EVER working here though many, if not most, have broke NC to see if they could work around NC. It WILL make it worse, everyone that has reported doing so wishes that they had not.

Among other things, you (as was I and everyone else on this board) were the trigger for her actions and anger. The longer you keep NC, the more likely it is that that trigger will go away and she will contact you. Most BPD's eventually try to contact their partners (but some don't. Its been 6 months for me and I have not heard a word from her). When that time comes, you will need to make a decision that represents your best interest.

Use this period to learn about BPD, this is helpful to the healing process for most as is posting questions that you have or if you just need to be heard. The pain was profound for me at first, like a herd of elephants sitting on my soul , but it slowly goes away. Be good to you; spoil yourself, do the things that you have not had time for and such but by all means, occupy your time.

[mrwigand]

Without knowing ANYTHING about your situation, I would say it's probably best not to contact her. I know it's hard because you're desperate for communication, but you most likely need more time to heal before you're in a position to be a "positive influence" on her. For now, let her take care of her. I know where you're coming from though. When I broke up with my BPDexgf, she was going through an ordeal (an ordeal she absolutely got herself into), but I thought I still needed to be there for her to provide support. And I'm not saying that ex didn't or your ex doesn't deserve support, but right now you're probably not the best one to give it to them. You need support and time for yourself.

Also, remember that she broke up with you "out of the blue". Sounds like she didn't respect your relationship enough to end things on reasonable terms. I don't know what your relationship was like, but if you reinitiate contact it's possible that you might encounter more of that kind of behavior and it will just be more pain.

I tried to go limited contact with BPDex following the breakup and it wasn't right for me. There were instances where she said and did things that were ignorant of my feelings and boundaries and unnecessarily hurtful. I was putting myself in that situation though, and I made the decision to take myself out.

Bottomline, if you're not over the relationship, don't reach out to her (just my opinion).

[Aussie0zborn]

I want to be a positive influence on her.

Who are you again? Urchin? How do you spell that? Your name doesn't quite ring a bell here.

But seriously, please read more of the resources here. No contact from her? You're lucky.

No she is not hurting. She is chasing the next guy and lining up the ones after him. You are somewhere on the list and she'll get back to you when her supply runs dry and only after she's kept you wondering long enough. (They have impeccably good timing and know when to strike so hang in there, she'll get back to you).

You are fooling yourself with all of the justifications you come up with to justify being around for her.  You want to be a good influence on her? Why? You're not going to get an award for it and definitely no thanks, either. If you want to be a good influence on somebody, save it for your children. She doesn't need it - they do.

Being in a relationship with a pwBPD is very draining and incredibly damaging. You really don't need it so rather then lament not having heard from her, go out and celebrate and hope that you never hear from her again.

[Loosestrife]

I would say it's up to her to make contact if she broke up with you. It's harsh, but after 2.5 months it found like she's moved on.