Adult Son with BPD traits

[Marigold27]

Feeling so overwhelmed!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Marigold27,

Yes, it is overwhelming to have a loved one with BPD, and that's why we're here, to provide compassion and education and support to other carers. The skills, resources, and communication techniques can help. Have you read much about BPD?

Does your son live with you? If and when you feel comfortable, please tell us more about yourself - whatever you are comfortable with - and about your son, like whether he is diagnosed, and how you're doing right now. Are there specific behaviors you are dealing with at the moment?

So welcome! Keep reading and posting, and I'm sure you'll get help and support (as I have).



LnL

[Marigold27]

He's 27.  Dad died when he was 9. Was in a relationship since he was 15, both got into drugs. Girlfriend left him 18 months ago.  Been in and out of our family home over the years.  Last year he promised to clean up, we brought him home, he did not keep his promise and ran away.  We found out he was homeless last summer. This February he called and promised to get off drugs and cigarettes. He's been doing ok, except the last two days, when I questioned him being off drugs.  Got so angry and abusive. I stayed calm and got him to calm down. He's doing some on-line cognitive therapy. I feel so sad for him.

[Marigold27]

He's refused any medical suggestions.  Never diagnosed. We see the symptoms.

[livednlearned]

Hi Marigold27,

I'm sorry to hear how hard it has been for him, and for you. He was in a long relationship, and having that end must have been devastating for him. If he has unresolved grief from his father's death, the pain of both could mix and overwhelm him.

It sounds like he has the double whammy of BPD plus an addiction. Did something happen to make you think he was doing drugs again? What kind of drugs are you most concerned about?

It's a good sign that he is willing to do some online cognitive behavioral therapy. Is this something he sought out on his own? Do you see any improvements?

I think of there being three pillars to living/loving someone with BPD: validation, boundaries, and self-care (you). Often when we are dealing with addicts, our go-to place is boundaries, and there are fortunately skills and tools (like validation) that can help us negotiate these boundaries in ways that do not escalate the conflict. It sounds like you have some skills here since you were able to calm your son down. Have you read material about communication skills that work when someone suffers from BPD?

[Marigold27]

Erratic behaviour, blaming, overly excited, agitated, veiled suicide threat.

Worried about him using Meth and cocaine.

We got him to agree to do the cognitive for ADD. Some improvement, however minor, we are hopeful.

I practice MBSR and been reading this board for a while now.

Today he is speaking negatively about his sibling.

[livednlearned]

I just started MBSR too -- I'm 5 weeks into a local class (just did my day of mindfulness on Saturday). How are you liking it? Is it helping you minimize some of the stress you're experiencing with your son?

Do you think your son would be interested in MBSR with you? I've had to use some reverse psychology with my son (my therapist's suggestion). He keeps explaining to me why he can't do meditation, always the most interesting excuses. I have to nod my head and say nothing, even though I think it would be so helpful for him. Even just reading the material would help.

He is very skeptical of anything he considers religious, a real struggle for me.   

[lbjnltx]

Hi marigold,

Just wanted to pop in and say Hi and I'm glad you are here with us.  

I had a thought... .don't know if it is something your son might do or not... .they have online DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) that is self directed.  It's not as good as attending a full program of course AND it is the most used therapy for people with BPD.

Here is a link if you think you might want to check further into it.

www.dbtselfhelp.com

If it is something he gets into and wants to continue he could check to see if there are any dbt therapists nearby and if not... .there are online dbt coaches for a fee.  Also there are workbooks that can be ordered or bought in bookstores.

How are you doing?  We are here for you!

lbj

[Marigold27]

I've been practising meditation for about five years.  Recently completed an 8 week course on MBSR.  It's definitely a huge stress buster. I am able to stay calm and centered most times but do get frustrated sometimes when son starts talking stuff I can't relate to.  I've mentioned meditation to him, he seems somewhat interested and I am flowing with him as best as I can. He's listened to the body scan one time and said it did calm him.

[Marigold27]

Thank you all for being so supportive. I used to think I was all alone. I feel better already.     Thank you!

[livednlearned]

Hi Marigold,

You are definitely not alone 

It sounds like boundaries might be an important area for you to focus on with your son, given the addictions he battles. How did he sober up? Does he continue to see the same people? Did he do any kind of 12-step program? I remember my therapist telling me that addicts relapse an average of 11 times before they recover. My ex husband (BPD) was an alcoholic and developed a prescription pain medication addiction. He was not able to get to the first step of acknowledging that he had a problem -- it's hopeful that your son has awareness and is interested in some of the tools. Just the fact that he tried the body scan!

If you discover that he is using again, is there a consequence in place that you have both discussed? Does he know your boundaries?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Marigold27]

He does not respect any boundaries or consequences we've put in place.  He does what he wants and if he doesn't get his way, he takes off and we have no way of contacting him for months. Its not an option for us to not know of his whereabouts again.  He told us that he stopped doing drugs and smoking.  We ask for a drug test, he got very angry and stormed off saying that we don’t have faith in him, how dare we question him and disrespect him. Never did any 12 step program, will not acknowledge he has any problems.  We are learning from this board how to handle his stories and lies.

[Marigold27]

So true:

Think About It... .Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something; it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is--with all its sadness, humor, irony, and gifts--at a particular point in time... .~ Freda B. Friedman, Ph.D., LCSW, Surviving a Borderline Parent