Feeling Judged / Isolated from Family, Friends, even Therapists

[virginiawoolf]

Part of the hardest thing about being with being with my uBPDexbf -- and one of the hardest parts of separating from him -- has been the isolation and shame I've felt with respect to friends and family ... .even my therapist.

I mostly stopped talking to my friends about him long ago. I feel so much shame for the drama I've gone through with him (and for the strong emotions I've felt and still feel). I thought I was being careful even from the beginning not to over-burden them, but even that was too much.

Even if I don't openly talk about my uBPD, there are periods where I'm so sad that I'm ashamed even to be around many people. I don't want to bring them down.

A few times recently, when I was at a point of sadness and desperation that was so low it scared me, I opened up to my mother. This is something I rarely do. The first time, it was really good to speak to her ... .she has a lot of anger toward my uBPD (who she only met once) and tried to put things in perspective in terms of how "messed up" his behavior is. The second time I spoke with my mom, I was feeling even lower. My mom happened to call me at one of my worst moments and I just broke down and started crying. She immediately took a flustered, "tough love" stance, hyper-rational stance. I listened to her, but she just kept on going and pushing and pushing. I told her I appreciated the perspective (and I do!) but at this particular moment in time (meaning that evening), I wasn't equipped to handle it.I was so absolutely raw, wounded and in way too fragile of a state.  I could also tell she was slightly drunk (she does drink every night) and it was coming across in the conversation in a way I didn't want to listen to that night.

I know I'm too old to expect my mom to "mother" or validate me. She rarely provided those things to me even as a child, and I certainly can't expect it now. But I thought it was OK for me to tell her I couldn't take her extreme line toughness right at that moment (I didn't mention the drunkeness). I excused myself and got off the phone. I thought she understood, I felt really good about the fact that I'd opened up to her. I expressed a lot of appreciation to her. I later texted and thanked her again. I told her that because my uBPD is leaving the country for 3 months in a few days that this would be an extremely difficult week for me. I just needed gentleness, etc. Or nothing at all for a bit.



3 days later my mom and dad called me together. Seemingly out of the blue, they both basically attacked me from every angle possible. It felt as if they were calling me out on everything I'd done wrong in the past 20 years, telling me what a terrible daughter I was, etc., etc. I couldn't even understand what was happening. It was one of the craziest, cruelest out-of-the blue attacks I've ever experienced. There was one comment that was so bewildering and, frankly, creepy that I'm not even sure if I should write it here, but my dad at one point said he was so angry he wanted to "spank me" ? Note, please, that I am in my LATE 30s. As it happens, I did experience all degrees of physical abuse from both of my parents (much more than "spanking" up until I moved out  completely -- and one time from my dad even after I'd moved out -- in my early 20s.

It couldn't have come at a worse time -- the call came in 2 hours after I'd said my final goodbye to my uBPD.

This gets into all sorts of family dynamics,  too complicated to go into here. But I think the whole episode was triggered by the fact that my father had just happened to run into a family friend who mentioned that he saw me with UPD 5 months ago (?), and supposedly didn't like the fact that uBPD seemed irritable hadn't helped me carry my bags. [Note: my Dad has always extremely strange/invalidating about men I date, and the emotions I experience with respect to them. He generally refuses to acknowledge their existence and in the case of my uBPD literally refuses to utter his name aloud. It's been like this since Dad first met uBPD 2 years ago, at which time things were going great.] Meanwhile, my Mom, who, two conversations ago had seemed unusually warm and supportive, and then last conversation at least seemed "ok", suddenly had turned 180 degrees and was absolutely belligerent to me on the phone in ways which I can't even describe.

I realize the above is perhaps too off topic for this board... .

But thought maybe others could relate in general.

Even with my therapist, whom I just started seeing again after about 5 months away... .I feel ashamed telling her about my uBPD and my feelings about our relationship and all that's happened recently. I sense her frustration. As if I should be able to write a pros/cons list and move on with my life.

Maybe I'm playing too much of a victim.

This board is the only outlet I've found that has helped me to understand that while my behavior, and my role in the relationship has perhaps not been healthy, that at I'm not completely crazy... .that there are reasons this whole thing has felt so chaotic and heartbreaking... .so much more so than a regular relationship.

[Silveron]

Virginia... it sounds like your ex-bf has really hit your own self-worth and with your parents calling and attacking you like this has really put you into a depression.  Please know that the things that happened between you and your ex-bf is NOT your fault.  BPDs are known for justifying their actions and manipulate you into thinking you deserve this type of behavior.  They are masters of it.  It was so bad in my case that when I went privately to see the psychologist (after seeing us both together) I asked her if she thought I was 'crazy'.  My wife had me believing that and that her behavior towards me was justified. 

It sounds like a very bad recipe with your ex-bf BPDs and your abusive parents.  You need to start thinking about yourself.  I can tell you are a very compassionate person and one with a big heart.  You just want the love that you can give.  However as you know with a BPD, you will not get back in what you give.  You need to find a good group of people and also set short term goals for yourself.  You also need to set strict boundaries with your parents and if they refuse to agree then I would recommend going NC until they do.  Anyone who is going to hurt you right now does not need to be a part of your life.

Start living life for yourself and know that you aren't alone.

[mrwigand]

It sucks that you're going through this right now and you're not receiving the support you deserve from your parents. That must have been so hurtful to have to endure an attack when you're struggling through a breakup.

It seems to me that you're being too hard on yourself. I know you feel embarrassed and concerned that you'd be overburdening your friends, but I'm sure that's not the case! I promise you. You're going through something and you need to talk to someone. I would want to know if my friend was experiencing something like this.

As for your therapist, I will simply tell you that what you described would frustrate me as well, and if you don't feel safe talking to your therapist about this, then perhaps you should consider looking for a new one. Perhaps that is a rash step, but your therapist shouldn't be giving you the impression that you should just do a pros and cons list and move on.