surviving a BPD relationship? and or re-establishing a connection with ex?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

First time posting here didn't know exactly how to word the title... before I post more I should probably ask if there is some sticky notes on the forum somewhere that would help... anyways ,  ive been talking on and off to s girl with Bpd and depression... she only told me this a couple months in when she got comfortable enough with me I guess? I had no idea what BPD was so I thought nothing of it... .our relationship kind of ended premature in my mind at least can't speak for the other person... based on me having to leave the area for a couple months so it didn't end poorly it was a good split you could say... .I came back she was kind of on the fence... we remain "on - off" in a sense were not in a relationship but we both get jealous and ask about each other through mutual friends... neither has really "moved on" at least in a sexual sense... we still exchange texts and talk now and again... were in a college atmosphere so I see her daily. . Recently She often blocks and unblocks my #... if our exchanges don't go as she " imagined" I guess... I want to try and make it work but she makes it rather difficult... she always says she has mixed emotions... she likes me but doesn't "know" what she wants from "us". . I think our emotions both fluctuate but it just sucks when it seems to be going along well... then I may not text her for a day or two then she sees that as rejection? (That's more or less what she said when I asked her why she did it) ... then blocks my #... .Help to repair this if possible?... .I really just want us to be good terms in a sense ... some say she may be"playing games" but I don't know how girls emotions work... There's a lot of false hope and denial in the air because we both know we still care for each other. . The way I see it is she doesn't want to commit but at the same time dosent want to go away... ? Is there any boundaries strategy one could use? "You can't jump in and out of my life" ... next time will be the last time? Truth is she's obviously crossed the line. ... i want to tell her but at the same time from the outside looking in to others I may look like an idiot because I have to "bump" into her to talk to her... but what people don't see is ... we talked on a Thursday... She blocked me then unblocked me on a Friday to text me first saying "we wont work I just know it"... convo goes into Saturday she texts me first again... talking about how desirable I am to her... i eventually stop responding because its late... don't text her sunday... she ignores me monday... I call Tuesday # blocked. ... like the behavior is so inconsistent. . She went from cold , cold , warm , warmer , distant , unreachable in a span of about 6 days... .how do people cope with this? Its like all she wants to know is that I like her and as soon as she gets my attention she runs away as I "chase" then as I turn my head away from her she starts to try and come back but only for validation in a sense I honestly just see it as a big mind game... her behavior is interesting in a sense but rather silly at the end of the day. Practical help from anyone ? Thanks for reading

[problemsolver]

First time posting here didn't know exactly how to word the title... before I post more I should probably ask if there is some sticky notes on the forum somewhere that would help... anyways ,  ive been talking on and off to s girl with Bpd and depression... she only told me this a couple months in when she got comfortable enough with me I guess? I had no idea what BPD was so I thought nothing of it... .our relationship kind of ended premature in my mind at least can't speak for the other person... based on me having to leave the area for a couple months so it didn't end poorly it was a good split you could say... .I came back she was kind of on the fence... we remain "on - off" in a sense were not in a relationship but we both get jealous and ask about each other through mutual friends... neither has really "moved on" at least in a sexual sense... we still exchange texts and talk now and again... were in a college atmosphere so I see her daily. . Recently She often blocks and unblocks my #... if our exchanges don't go as she " imagined" I guess... I want to try and make it work but she makes it rather difficult... she always says she has mixed emotions... she likes me but doesn't "know" what she wants from "us". . I think our emotions both fluctuate but it just sucks when it seems to be going along well... then I may not text her for a day or two then she sees that as rejection? (That's more or less what she said when I asked her why she did it) ... then blocks my #... .Help to repair this if possible?... .I really just want us to be good terms in a sense ... some say she may be"playing games" but I don't know how girls emotions work... There's a lot of false hope and denial in the air because we both know we still care for each other. . The way I see it is she doesn't want to commit but at the same time dosent want to go away... ? Is there any boundaries strategy one could use? "You can't jump in and out of my life" ... next time will be the last time? Truth is she's obviously crossed the line. ... i want to tell her but at the same time from the outside looking in to others I may look like an idiot because I have to "bump" into her to talk to her... but what people don't see is ... we talked on a Thursday... She blocked me then unblocked me on a Friday to text me first saying "we wont work I just know it"... convo goes into Saturday she texts me first again... talking about how desirable I am to her... i eventually stop responding because its late... don't text her sunday... she ignores me monday... I call Tuesday # blocked. ... like the behavior is so inconsistent. . She went from cold , cold , warm , warmer , distant , unreachable in a span of about 6 days... .how do people cope with this? Its like all she wants to know is that I like her and as soon as she gets my attention she runs away as I "chase" then as I turn my head away from her she starts to try and come back but only for validation in a sense I honestly just see it as a big mind game... her behavior is interesting in a sense but rather silly at the end of the day. Practical help from anyone ? Thanks for reading

[EaglesJuju]

Hi problemsolver,  

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how coping with ambivalence is frustrating and confusing.  

One of the hallmarks of BPD is a fear of abandonment.  A person with BPD (pwBPD) will frantically make an effort to avoid abandonment.  They can become clingy and needy. Sometimes, a pwBPD will respond with anger if they feel that they are abandoned or rejected.  Paradoxically, a pwBPD can fear intimacy the same time that they fear abandonment. This is what is known as push and pull behavior, or "I hate you, don't leave me."

The behavior of pwBPD can be erratic and inconsistent. The behavior is primarily based on a pwBPD's ever fluctuating emotions/thoughts/feelings. PwBPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions. For pwBPD, feelings equal facts. A pwBPD will base their cognitions on momentary feelings. This is why many pwBPD change their minds and contradict themselves so often.

Learning about BPD really helps with coping with the behaviors. Having this knowledge helps understand the reasons our pwBPD is behaving in certain ways.  Learning about BPD helped me cope with many of my bf's behaviors, especially the push and pull.

Here is an article that will help you understand BPD.  Take a look.

Article 2: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

Are you still in contact with her?

[problemsolver]

Hi problemsolver,  

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you are going through this.    I understand how coping with ambivalence is frustrating and confusing.  

One of the hallmarks of BPD is a fear of abandonment.  A person with BPD (pwBPD) will frantically make an effort to avoid abandonment.  They can become clingy and needy. Sometimes, a pwBPD will respond with anger if they feel that they are abandoned or rejected.  Paradoxically, a pwBPD can fear intimacy the same time that they fear abandonment. This is what is known as push and pull behavior, or "I hate you, don't leave me."

The behavior of pwBPD can be erratic and inconsistent. The behavior is primarily based on a pwBPD's ever fluctuating emotions/thoughts/feelings. PwBPD have a very hard time controlling their emotions. For pwBPD, feelings equal facts. A pwBPD will base their cognitions on momentary feelings. This is why many pwBPD change their minds and contradict themselves so often.

Learning about BPD really helps with coping with the behaviors. Having this knowledge helps understand the reasons our pwBPD is behaving in certain ways.  Learning about BPD helped me cope with many of my bf's behaviors, especially the push and pull.

Here is an article that will help you understand BPD.  Take a look.

Article 2: The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder

Are you still in contact with her?

     Hello thank you for welcoming me to the board , yes I am still in contact with her but the more distant she acts the more needy it makes me look when I attempt to strike up a convo about having a chat because at the moment I am blocked I saw her in public , I asked if we could chat after lunch. . She kind of blows me off but said okay. I'm not sure what to say to her , but I do not enjoy her playing with my emotions I don't know how to say it to her in a way she will understand.

[EaglesJuju]

Hello thank you for welcoming me to the board , yes I am still in contact with her but the more distant she acts the more needy it makes me look when I attempt to strike up a convo about having a chat because at the moment I am blocked I saw her in public , I asked if we could chat after lunch. . She kind of blows me off but said okay. I'm not sure what to say to her , but I do not enjoy her playing with my emotions I don't know how to say it to her in a way she will understand.

I understand how you can feel that she is playing with your emotions.    It is hard to understand, but her behaviors have nothing to do with you. The ambivalence is a part of the disorder.  Have you had a chance to read up on BPD behaviors?

There are things that we can learn to improve communication in our relationships with our pwBPD. Prior to learning communication tools and having knowledge about BPD behaviors, I felt uneasy when I had to discuss something with my bf. Many times I was scared to talk about certain things, in fear that he would get angry with me. After learning about BPD and communication techniques, I was able to have conversations where I could discuss my feelings. 

Here is some information that really helped me.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

What other types of behavior are you having a difficult time coping with?

[problemsolver]

[/quote]
I understand how you can feel that she is playing with your emotions.    It is hard to understand, but her behaviors have nothing to do with you. The ambivalence is a part of the disorder.  Have you had a chance to read up on BPD behaviors?

There are things that we can learn to improve communication in our relationships with our pwBPD. Prior to learning communication tools and having knowledge about BPD behaviors, I felt uneasy when I had to discuss something with my bf. Many times I was scared to talk about certain things, in fear that he would get angry with me. After learning about BPD and communication techniques, I was able to have conversations where I could discuss my feelings. 

Here is some information that really helped me.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

What other types of behavior are you having a difficult time coping with?


[/quote]
     Well I had a chat with her today and the other behavior I'll never really understand is he "selective" memory she remembers things how she wants to remember it... As young boy growing up I learned quickly if I didn't tell the story 100 percent to a T then anyone who tries to stand up for me or argue on my behalf will look just as bad as me when the actual facts are presented I tell them a half truth or leave  out important info... we spoke and she swore up and down she didn't initiate any of the recent texts. . My memory is quite crystal clear I know the truth but without any visual texts about the conversation or how it went down it just came down to her word against mine! Even if I know the truth if this person swears up and down other wise... .it's a conversation or argument you can't win... .that part about her scares me if she truly believes her side of the story how she tells it then were living in different worlds you know? I'm a male I am a logical and honest thinker by nature so I don't understand how you can have an argument with someone when you both have 2 stories but you know the other persons is half right. . So with the most recent convo I have time coping with that behavior ... you leave the conversation wondering if you got your point across or if she's actually "hearing" and interpreting what I'm saying in the way I want it to be heard. Like what she thinks is her reality?  Even though that's not how it happened in real life?

[drummerboy]

If you think her selective memory/story twisting is bad now, wait until she points you black and starts her smear campaign!

From what you've written the question I have is why do you even want this person in your life?Any sort of a r/s with her will be all about her, your feelings, your needs will never cross her mind. They just take, take, take.

I understand how you can feel that she is playing with your emotions.    It is hard to understand, but her behaviors have nothing to do with you. The ambivalence is a part of the disorder.  Have you had a chance to read up on BPD behaviors?

There are things that we can learn to improve communication in our relationships with our pwBPD. Prior to learning communication tools and having knowledge about BPD behaviors, I felt uneasy when I had to discuss something with my bf. Many times I was scared to talk about certain things, in fear that he would get angry with me. After learning about BPD and communication techniques, I was able to have conversations where I could discuss my feelings. 

Here is some information that really helped me.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

What other types of behavior are you having a difficult time coping with?


[/quote]
     Well I had a chat with her today and the other behavior I'll never really understand is he "selective" memory she remembers things how she wants to remember it... As young boy growing up I learned quickly if I didn't tell the story 100 percent to a T then anyone who tries to stand up for me or argue on my behalf will look just as bad as me when the actual facts are presented I tell them a half truth or leave  out important info... we spoke and she swore up and down she didn't initiate any of the recent texts. . My memory is quite crystal clear I know the truth but without any visual texts about the conversation or how it went down it just came down to her word against mine! Even if I know the truth if this person swears up and down other wise... .it's a conversation or argument you can't win... .that part about her scares me if she truly believes her side of the story how she tells it then were living in different worlds you know? I'm a male I am a logical and honest thinker by nature so I don't understand how you can have an argument with someone when you both have 2 stories but you know the other persons is half right. . So with the most recent convo I have time coping with that behavior ... you leave the conversation wondering if you got your point across or if she's actually "hearing" and interpreting what I'm saying in the way I want it to be heard. Like what she thinks is her reality?  Even though that's not how it happened in real life?[/quote]

[problemsolver]

If you think her selective memory/story twisting is bad now, wait until she points you black and starts her smear campaign!

From what you've written the question I have is why do you even want this person in your life?Any sort of a r/s with her will be all about her, your feelings, your needs will never cross her mind. They just take, take, take.

   Yeah I understand most people will say "run run" but I'm young and curious... I'll take a couple hits at 23 if it means I'll be better at relationships when im 27 28 29... I'm just young and intrigued by her behavior. . Haven't quite come across someone like this it is interesting in a sense. Call me crazy if you'd like.

[Infern0]

The way I look at it is like this,  there are borderlines who stay in relationships for years and years,  sure there's problems but they stay,  to the tune of panic at a partner potentially leaving.

It doesn't sound to me like she really wants to be with you.  Borderlines use people up,  for attention,  ego boost or whatever.

I recommend you use the same strategy I did which is to say look,  I want to give this a go but it doesn't seem like it's reciprocated.  If you want me than you need to show me now otherwise let's stop wasting our time.

If a borderline who really wants you hears that they will :

Make frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

That means she'll be knocking on your door within 30 minutes.

If not,  your just being used which isn't cool.

You can't use the usual tactics like game etc it doesn't work on them.

Deliver the ultimatum and be prepared to walk and move on,  staying in the Grey zone is not good.  Find out one way or another.