4 weeks into separation from BPD female

[runningup]

Hey everyone. I am 4 weeks into separation from my BPD x-financee. She had started a emotionally romantic relationship with a co-worker and then decided one day out of the blue while we were trying to have a child that "she couldnt do it anymore" and that I was "controlling" and moved out of our house almost the same week.

I have had limited contact with her, seen her twice, wouldnt even hug me, will not take my calls, or sms, or emails, some co-workers (I used to work there also) have been told by her to stop talking about me as I am dead to her. I just found out that over the Easter longweek she has moved in with the new guy, who is also 20 years her senior and a real grub.

Im struggling, she had previously cheated on me during our 3 years (send naked photos to an old 'friend' and got caught. I took her back but it seemed to have made her BPD worse. Aside from the BPD we had an awesome life, lots of shared interestes, we lived in each others pocket.

I do miss her greatly, she has a little boy, who I raised since he was 8 mths old who I also miss greatly. I know she has never gone back to any of her x's before, that she cuts and runs and makes all the stories she needs to about why the relationship was WRONG.

Im not sure what do to.

[Loosestrife]

Hey everyone. I am 4 weeks into separation from my BPD x-financee. She had started a emotionally romantic relationship with a co-worker and then decided one day out of the blue while we were trying to have a child that "she couldnt do it anymore" and that I was "controlling" and moved out of our house almost the same week.

I have had limited contact with her, seen her twice, wouldnt even hug me, will not take my calls, or sms, or emails, some co-workers (I used to work there also) have been told by her to stop talking about me as I am dead to her. I just found out that over the Easter longweek she has moved in with the new guy, who is also 20 years her senior and a real grub.

Im struggling, she had previously cheated on me during our 3 years (send naked photos to an old 'friend' and got caught. I took her back but it seemed to have made her BPD worse. Aside from the BPD we had an awesome life, lots of shared interestes, we lived in each others pocket.

I do miss her greatly, she has a little boy, who I raised since he was 8 mths old who I also miss greatly. I know she has never gone back to any of her x's before, that she cuts and runs and makes all the stories she needs to about why the relationship was WRONG.

Im not sure what do to.

Hi running up

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. Detaching from BPD partner is hard, but missing the kid also must be really painful. It doesn't soud like she misses you or the relationship, but perhaps the support. I would get yourself to a Therpaist if you haven't already and try to look objectively at the r/s and the current situation.

[Aurylian]

Runningup,

Yeah, sorry to hear about your loss.

I agree that now would be an excellent time to get healing from the breakup, but also a good time to learn what got you into it in the first place.  You really don't want to go through this again.

My first wife was very contentious and difficult--ended up leaving and I didn't stop her.  I convinced myself that I just needed to find someone who was nice and needed me.  You can imagine where that lead.  I found the sweetest little waif you can imagine who needed me from the start.  20 years and three children later I've now had to learn a whole new lifestyle and change my expectations on relationships.

Time is on your side.  Please take it and use it.

[runningup]

Thanks for replies guys. I am going to docs today to get referral for myself so I can talk to someone. I am bouncing between emotions so eratically. I am wanting her back, not wanting her back, wanting to know what she is doing, Not wanting, missing, feeling relief, etc etc it just keeps going in a constant cycle in my head. I miss terribly the good times, as they were SO good, the connection when good was astounding. Obvoiusly the sex side of things was a 100% connection also, which is also something im bouncing emotions between.

Lacking sleep, having depression, feeling loss for my job, house, home, family etc is breaking me down very quickly. If only I had her touch, a hug from my step son, I almost feel that would make me feel better but I know its a pipedream that isnt possible.

[mallard3868]

Thanks for replies guys. I am going to docs today to get referral for myself so I can talk to someone. I am bouncing between emotions so eratically. I am wanting her back, not wanting her back, wanting to know what she is doing, Not wanting, missing, feeling relief, etc etc it just keeps going in a constant cycle in my head. I miss terribly the good times, as they were SO good, the connection when good was astounding. Obvoiusly the sex side of things was a 100% connection also, which is also something im bouncing emotions between.

Lacking sleep, having depression, feeling loss for my job, house, home, family etc is breaking me down very quickly. If only I had her touch, a hug from my step son, I almost feel that would make me feel better but I know its a pipedream that isnt possible.

I am in the same boat after a year long separation, 5yr together and 2 yr marriage. She has taken everything I have to give and it will still never be enough! As I sit here writing, I wish soo bad that I could take my own advise- CUT AND RUN! My last NC was about 4 weeks and I had gotten over so many mental hurdles, but she had a death in the family and reached out to me, this was the beginning of the end ! AGAIN!

If you have gone 4 weeks now it can only get easier! She isnt the person YOU thought she was and she NEVER will be. Every story on here is the same (give or take some details, issues, etc... .), but almost all of the outcome are the same. Devastating!

Hang in there and don't give in! I am going to do the same! In the end we will both (and all of us) will be the better for it! ... .and they will continue to do the same thing they have done their entire lives, search for a happiness they will never find.

[runningup]

Yeah it hasnt been 4 weeks of NC, well there has been one sided contact from me, asking for items to be returned etc. Its been 2 weeks since we have physicaly seen one another. I made the mistake over the easter weekend of sending flowers to her today at her work (my old work) which I am sure will be received with distain. It just goes to show how being on the receiving end, how pathetic we become and how draw in we continue to be with these types of relationships, we beg and plead for any type of connection, reconciliation or such.

I have turned into something I hate.

[mallard3868]

I agree with you on that! I (the person she she became involved with) was proud, strong, fun loving, independent etc... .little by little I let her break me down before I realized what I was up against!

You contacting her for your "stuff" is you trying to keep contact with her, she will actually do this to you if there is no contact. Try and take yourself back to the day when you were confident and assured and that is what worked before and that will work again! The more we try and connect, the further away it pushes them. They are not us and their brain isnt wired the same.

They just dont think and/or function the same!

[runningup]

Yes I suspect if I make NC at all that she will make contact, but it worries me that if I go NC she won't at all and I will have not put an effort in to try.