Fiancé doesn't know of BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I have watched 20 years of bizarre dysfunctional behavior, pleading with daughter to go with me or by herself to get help (she finally got about 8 months of therapy... .diagnosed with anxiety she told me) but puzzle pieces indicate BPD... 6/9 symptoms. No "real" friends... but now with very steady nice fiancée who is clueless what he is walking into. She seems to be in hurry to get pregnant. I think she has no business bringing a life into this world until she gets thorough treatment. Her relationship with her younger sister has been a volatile relationship over its lifetime (understandably with BPD rages and false accusations etc) Engaged daughter, accused sister of being selfish and banned her from her wedding.

I ache for both daughters as well as uninformed fiancée.

What's a mother to do?

[Kitty123]

I have watched 20 years of bizarre dysfunctional behavior, pleading with daughter to go with me or by herself to get help (she finally got about 8 months of therapy... .diagnosed with anxiety she told me) but puzzle pieces indicate BPD... 6/9 symptoms. No "real" friends... but now with very steady nice fiancée who is clueless what he is walking into. She seems to be in hurry to get pregnant. I think she has no business bringing a life into this world until she gets thorough treatment. Her relationship with her younger sister has been a volatile relationship over its lifetime (understandably with BPD rages and false accusations etc) Engaged daughter, accused sister of being selfish and banned her from her wedding.

I ache for both daughters as well as uninformed fiancée.

What's a mother to do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Kitty123,

Welcome to the site and the Parenting Board.  We are happy to have you here and will do our best to support you and help you figure things out along the way.

I'm sorry to hear that your daughter has traits of this disorder.  It is good that she has a nice young man in her life willing to make a commitment to her and I can understand why you would be concerned about their upcoming marriage.  How has their relationship been thus far?  Any red flags you are aware of?

Having therapy is good... .ongoing therapy for a serious psychiatric disorder is better.  Would your d and her fiancé consider premarital counseling?  Presented properly and gently as a good foundation going forward for their lives would they be open to this?

How does the fiancé feel about your daughter wanting  to start a family at this time in their relationship?  :)oes he know? How old is your daughter?  

Approaching another person with your suspicions about your daughter can be a very dicey move.  Your daughter most likely will experience this as a betrayal and attempt to ruin her relationship with fiancé and stop the marriage.  It would be  very difficult for her to see that you are trying to help her/them. The best we can do during times like these is offer support and encouraging guidance.

Here is some information that may help you to begin to know how to communicate your understanding, concern, and acceptance.  Lessons.

The Lessons help us understand the inner workings and belief systems of our BPD children, teach us how to affectively communicate our love and concern for them, teach us skills to take care of ourselves/handle their dysregulation and learn about affective therapy models for them.

It's a lot to take in so ask any questions you might have on any of the subjects/Lessons.

We are here to help.



lbj

[thefixermom]

I'm imagining that fiancée is seeing signs of her behavior but if they have not been together long, it's common to dismiss or rationalize such behavior.  If it is not scaring him away, chances are that he has his own history that allows him to tolerate what he is seeing around him.   I agree with advice to not clue him in because she would hold it against you for the rest of her/your life.  Best that she paint him black herself one day without you being blamed.  I'd be torn as a parent, feeling empathy for the fiancée but relief for myself to know there is a committed person looking out for my daughter.  How is the rest of the family responding to the sister being banned from the wedding? I'm just wondering how I would be about going forward myself if my other child was disrespected in this manner.  :)id these wedding plans come about quickly? Probably no chance to encourage a longer engagement.  

[Aurylian]

Wow, this is a tough one.

Speaking as a non-husband with a BPD wife, part of me wishes someone would have told me more before I got into the relationship and had kids.  If the groom is codependent, then this can seem like the perfect fit.  The craziness only comes later after they are locked in.  My wife was somewhat dormant for the first five years we were married because I gave in on everything, so it all worked.  Once we had kids and she had some other trauma, the switch flipped.

Suggesting premarital counseling might be good as it could bring out signs for the groom.

I suppose anonymously mailing a copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to him is out of the question.  I almost wish someone could give him some basic information anonymously about BPD so he could make an informed decision.  I had never heard of it when we were married.  I did get some cryptic comments from her relatives like "well, she does make mountains out of mole hills at times."  Didn't mean much to me at the time, but it should have been a big red flag.

I really do wish someone would have told me.  I have thought about this a lot with my own daughters.  One was showing some potential signs of following her mother into BPD, but that has subsided for the most part.  If she had gone down that road I wondered what I would do. I think my conclusion at the time was that I would strongly suggest that she be honest with her fiance about her emotional struggles--to the extent she understood them.  At least then he would have a clue that there might be emotional issues to be worked through.

[Kitty123]

She has a genetic defect and may have aspergers that sometimes goes with it.

She thinks it's everyone else that has issues... .not her. I just wish I knew how to address all this with her... .but "you are the problem" she tells me. She is very into punishing people when they "let her down" or don't do as they "promised" (when they in fact never promised) They have gone out for 3 years but she is high functioning and only recently with higher stress are attitudes and BPD traits are really starting to show up.Of course they have an expensive wedding planned (his dream and hers too- he's paying more than half. THis train is rolling) I think the baby thing would happen within the next 2-3 years. I just know it is not going to be good for a child with her faulty thinking and I really don't want to continue in this "bad dream" I guess I will try to encourage more premarital counseling (they did the required one for the Catholic Church ) but that is just very basic and there were 60 people in the group.It is difficult because she blames me for all her problems... so he is likely going to believe her over me... but I think he is starting to wonder especially after how she handled her sister. On that note... .yes I am conflicted about the wedding and considering going to just the wedding and not the reception... .however, many friends and relatives have already received "Save the date" cards. What a predicament eh?Fiancee is very balanced and level... .we will see for how long. I hate feeling like this.

[Kitty123]

They have gone out for 3 years but just got engaged end of a year ago. she blames me for her issues which makes it hard to be heard... .She did let him know that due to a genetic defect. She is very black and white... .yes I've walked on Eggshells for all her 26 years. With her genetic defect, comes a 45per cent increased risk of ASD (which I only recently learned about,doing my own research) No thanks to the genetic counselor I spoke with when she was in her teen years. So we fell through the cracks and I thought she had ODD Bipolar... .I didn't know what she was dealing with. Really rough teen years and college years... .very belligerent and mean. Anyway I've stumbled my way through and God knows I've tried to reach out and find any common ground. She is very physically attractive but feels ugly she tells me, always very jealous of her sister and anyone that life comes too easy to. She is too smart for her own good which helps her conceal to counsellors or others what is going on inside. Like I said ... .fiancée is just beginning to get a glimps but the wedding train is pulling out of the station... .Save the date cards" have gone out to friends and family. I feel bad for how she treated her younger sister to the point that part of me is considering going only to the church wedding and not the reception.I Think more premarital counseling 1-1 is a good idea if maybe my husband could suggest it... Encouraging waiting on the baby making for a good amount of time. But it is their life... I can only hope that she gets the help she needs before bringing another life into this world.Thanks for sharing some helpful tips with me.

[livednlearned]

Hi Kitty123,

My former in-laws tried to tell me about my ex, and it sort of backfired.

While pwBPD sometimes get involved with other PD partners, more often the partners are codependent (weak boundaries, enablers, fixers, rescuers). I was codependent, and part of the appeal was believing that N/BPDx was a victim. Of everything. I believed his parents treated him badly, so when they told me that N/BPDx was a handful, that snapped nicely into the victim narrative going on. It was like they were pointing fingers at him, saying he was a bad guy with problems. Which is exactly what he was telling me they said. 

It might be more useful to help your daughter's fiance understand validation, if there is an opportunity to bring it up without suggesting his soon-to-be wife has a personality disorder.

Is that something you could imagine doing?

[Heldfast]

No answers. But my exBPDfiancee triggered as a result of the engagement and ran off with another man, moving cross country and cutting all contact. Are you prepared to handle that for him? Are you going to be there to help if something like this happens? Why not at least start some suggestion of joint therapy for them and give therapist some insight as to what's going on, so he can be prepared?

[lbjnltx]

Hi Kitty123,

My former in-laws tried to tell me about my ex, and it sort of backfired.

While pwBPD sometimes get involved with other PD partners, more often the partners are codependent (weak boundaries, enablers, fixers, rescuers). I was codependent, and part of the appeal was believing that N/BPDx was a victim. Of everything. I believed his parents treated him badly, so when they told me that N/BPDx was a handful, that snapped nicely into the victim narrative going on. It was like they were pointing fingers at him, saying he was a bad guy with problems. Which is exactly what he was telling me they said. 

It might be more useful to help your daughter's fiance understand validation, if there is an opportunity to bring it up without suggesting his soon-to-be wife has a personality disorder.

Is that something you could imagine doing?

I have given the book "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" as a wedding gift to a blended family and also as a baby shower gift to a very young unwed mother...

[thefixermom]

Aurylian, I hear your pain and feel for you and what you've lived through and witnessed.  Coming from the perspective of a mother (who is blamed for everything) I can only imagine that if the husband-to-be was given a warning, he would side with his bride-to-be who has already no doubt told him stories about what a terrible mother she has.  He would not hold the warning in confidence and they would continue to get married only the mother would then be barred from being part of the family, i.e. future grandchildren. There's no simple solution to this. Does a mother give up her connection to a daughter to save the fiancee? Not likely. Because he would still marry her is my best guess and mother would be blamed for trying to ruin it.  I appreciate the thoughts of sending books anonymously or having the father or someone else try to warn him off.  Might still be transparent, though. I was so stupid and near-sightedness to still marry my first husband after watching him get drunk and beat up his sister.  His family did try to warn me off but at the age of 18 I had no ears for hearing the truth or seeing my future. I would love to be able to go back in time and listen and respond to the warnings. But we have lessons we are meant to learn the hard way, I suppose. I try not to regret as they have really wised me up!