Last night she screamed at her little boy

[tristesse]

So here we are, all moved into our new house, in a new city, a fresh clean start for all of us... .Uhm, not so much. Things with BPDD were tolerable, good even,  for a little while. She seemed to be a little bit more relaxed and less edgy. PHEW, what a relief... .Or so you'd  think.

She started acting odd, cranky and on edge about a week or so ago. Sunday, she totally lost it, she was yelling about everything all day, and not making any sense at all. I was going to the car wash and let her know I was going, and she asked if I were going to be gone all day. Of course I have never been to an all day car wash before, so I said, I'm just going to the car wash. Again she asked if I were going to be gone all day. I reminded her that the car wash was only 5 minutes away and I had intended to return once the car was clean. She called at least 4 times and text the same number of times in the 20 minutes it took me to wash and dry the car, of course not hearing the phone from outside the vehicle, I did not respond. Once I seen that she had called and text, I called her back... .TOO LATE, she was so distraught by that time, because I had been ignoring her, that she couldn't get it together. I spent all of Sunday watching her go from a raving lunatic to an insecure lonely little girl, and back. It went on all day. She even kept her son, my GS in the bedroom all day, telling him to stay away from the wicked witch ( I was the witch ).

I was informed, by her, that she was off her meds. She decided she doesn't want to take pills anymore, she hates what they are doing to her body. She has decided that she can cope just fine with no medical intervention of any kind... .GOD help us all! She has multiple issues, not just BPD, but she suffers agoraphobia, panic disorder, depression, ADHD, PTSD, and a few others, as well as some physical problems.

Last night she screamed at her little boy like she was arguing with a grown man, she walked away for a few minutes, but went back and screamed at him some more. I had to intervene, which, I'm sure you all know... .set her into a total rage, but the anger was at least deflected from the 6 year old and now directed at me.

I am trying to find a way to make her see that she really needs the meds. I want her to understand that she is hurting her child by lashing out at him the way she did, and that her meds help keep her in a level place. But how to do it?

Any advice on where to begin with this would be appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Sorry that you and grandson went through that. 

I think the key to addressing this is finding the teaching moment.  A time when she is stable and you have a well thought out plan in place with an exist strategy should it turn south.

A plan may include:

Validating her feelings that she can cope without meds

Validate her concerns about how the meds affect her body

Acknowledge that all this change does increase stress levels for everyone in the family (even positive change creates stress)

Acknowledge that sometimes the chemical makeup within our system needs balancing out with medication and chemical imbalances are no ones fault.

Ask validating questions like:  Do you think all this change is affecting your stress levels?  affecting your ability to cope? affecting your ability to use skills? Do you think that changing meds may be an option/changing dosage may be an option?

And depending on how the conversation is going... .Do you think that the problems we had yesterday may have been lessened if you were still on your medications?

There was a time when we tried to decrease the dosage of my d's meds.  After a few rough days I asked her if she thought this might be due to the decrease in her meds... .her reply "I didn't think of that" and my reply "maybe now is not the right time to decrease meds, we can try again another time"... .and so it went.  I will point out that this was after long term inpatient care and she had attained skills and was actively using them.

lbj

[livednlearned]

It is hard to be around a full-blown emotional dysregulation, tristesse. I'm sorry for what you experienced, and like what lbjnltx suggests. One of the best lessons my T shared with me was waiting for my son to be less emotional when we discussed what happened, or what started the emotions running so hot.

How is your grandson doing? Does he come to you for comfort after episodes like this?

[tristesse]

Emotions are running high right now, there is no down time or less emotional state for her, so there is zero opportunity to have logical rational conversation with her. She is blowing everything into some big production, and frankly, I want to punch her in the face. ( I  obviously won't ) but the urge to beat some sense into her is definitely there.

Yes my GS comes to me for comfort, but DD pulls him away and then screams and yells at him, so I am trying really hard to be a sense of calm right now, show him quiet love and acceptance, I tell him I love him and hug him often, and when she is pulling him away and yelling at him, I try and divert her anger. I will calmly reprimand her and let her know what she is doing and why it's wrong... .This way he sees me defending him, but in a calm and quiet  way, and he sees that somebody loves him and wants to protect him. She obviously becomes angry at me now instead of at him, but I am far more capable of dealing with her anger than he is.

I am trying not to engage in battle with her, not to react to her craziness, but it is becoming more and more difficult. She is bothering me at my job, multiple calls and texts. I had to tell her this morning that I was going to have her phone turned off if she did not stop bothering me.

Oh well, life must go on, so I need to figure it out, because I can not make her homeless.

[lbjnltx]

Thanks for updating us on the situation tristesse,

The ongoing high stress level can certainly cause unhealthy thoughts. We understand.

Is validation not working at all?  Have you stopped trying?  Is it time for SET (support empathy truth) statements?

Here some info on SET in this link--->https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm

We are here to help you formulate a plan for going forward that will work for you and your family.

 to you and grandson

lbj

[mggt]

Dear triss, I have no advice but just wanted to let you know thinking about you and praying for all of you .    mggt

[livednlearned]

It was my son who taught me about validation -- I felt discouraged using it with my BPD ex husband because I was still early in my skill building, and it didn't seem to have an effect, at least the way I was doing it.

Maybe your GS can be the focus of validation, and do the same for you? After GS has witnessed a rage like this, he may need more than comfort, although it's critically important what you're doing, and will go a long way. To learn emotional resilience, he needs to learn how to process difficult, challenging, negative feelings in healthy ways. Kids with BPD parents are particularly vulnerable when it comes to this because they see a very powerful, overwhelming way of not experiencing sadness and grief. Validation is the foundation for helping them label and experience powerful emotions, followed by our actions and behaviors, which represent an alternative. They need to know that they can recover from big feelings and that their feelings are ok.

We have a really good article on validation and children, as well as another one that helped me a lot, about asking validating questions.

My S13 picked up so many behaviors from his dad, and seems genetically predisposed to BPD. He was much more receptive to validation than his dad, especially when I was trying to figure things out, how validation worked, what it is and isn't.

With my ex, I had a history of feeling very jacked up with fear and/or anger when he dysregulated, and so when validation didn't work right away, I sort of wrote it off as not effective. Then I figured some things out when I tried it with my son, and that helped me realize that sometimes with N/BPDx, I had to enforce a boundary right away, and I needed to cluster those two skills together.

If your D is dysregulated right now, she might not be able to have a conversation about boundaries until she is more stable. Do you think she can talk about ground rules if she dysregulates like that again, and what your actions will be if she rages in front of GS? Or what will happen if she blows up your phone while you're at work?  

[jellibeans]

tristesse

I just wanted to pop in and say how sorry I am that you and especially your GS had to endure such abuse. Sending a hug your way. One thing I know with my dd she doesn't do well with change... .do you think the move was just too much for her and in time she will come back to baseline? What do you think is triggering her? stopping meds? I hope things improve for you soon.

[tristesse]

Hello Jellibeans

I believe it is a combination of things triggering her, but the primary issue has been no meds. She gets to where she doesn't even make sense, and seems out of control in every aspect.

I will report that she has been somewhat more stable over the past few days though. She tried raging and causing drama a few times during the latter part of the week, but I remained unresponsive, for the most part.

I will admit that she did reel me in a few times, and I started to react, but luckily was able to get myself in check before things could escalate.

I know there are other issues she is dealing with too, and that makes it more and more difficult for her and everyone around her, but there isn't a lot that can be done if she refuses therapy and meds.

Praying for a better tomorrow.

[jellibeans]

I hope tomorrow will be better for you all. It is good you were able to remain calm on the most part. I know how hard that can be at times. Did your dad get a firm dx of BPD? What meds do you think help her the most?  Just wondering if she could be bipolar? 

[tristesse]

Yes, she has had a firm diagnosis of BPD. She had been misdiagnosed at one point as a paranoid schizophrenic, once as bi-polar. She has a firm BPD diagnosis , as well as PTSD, ADHD, Agoraphobia, panic dis-order, depressive dis-order, she has macular degeneration and spinal stenosis too. So the meds she takes help her with depression and anxiety. She is taking none of them at the moment. So she is an emotional mess, sort of all over the place, and I am sure she is suffering on a physical level too.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

sometimes they just need to learn the hard way... .she must be suffering a lot... .lets hope things turn around for you. Sending a hug your way... .

[tristesse]

Thank you for caring, it means a lot.

I am ever thankful though, I vent my feelings on here, use this board as an out let, sort of. But I am thankful everyday, thankful that I still have her, thankful That I am able to wake up in the morning and begin a new day. Thankful that I have others in my life to add stability. It just goes on and on what I am thankful for. So although I complain, and get desperate at times, I am always aware that it could be worse, and I am thankful it is not.

[jellibeans]

Tristesse

There is always something to be thankful for. For me it is important to remain hopeful. Try to be hopeful and take care of yourself.