Comforted

[Johnsok]

Is it weird that I feel comforted that my SO may be BPD, I feel like it has actually calmed my anxiety towards the situation or maybe it's something else I can not pinpoint but he use to bring out the worst in my fear of him just leaving me like there was something wrong with me and now it's just not such a fear anymore...

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Suzn]

It's not weird at all. It's validation for you, that you may have found some answers surrounding his behaviors.

And hopefully, that you don't feel alone in this now. I remember my first day here and it was a huge relief. We all understand that here.

[Johnsok]

I would take it so personal when he would start up another dating website an hour after we "broke up" but I don't know if it's just me realizing I have zero control over his behavior or he has zero control over it. I just don't know if I can live like that and constantly wonder when he will leave or walk out. One thing he doesn't do is leave me, it's always me making up my mind to leave him. I always get sucked back in because secretively I don't want him to leave I just want him to be the way he use to be.

[Suzn]

Any time you 'break up" his fears of abandonment are triggered. (Even if you know the break up won't last long, in his mind it's overwhelming, even if he doesn't "act" like it.)

I'd like to share a few excerpts from a workshop here to give you a better idea of what I mean.

This workshop is to discuss the Do's and Don'ts for adults staying in a relationship with a person with BPD.

Strength: It takes a great deal of strength and emotional stability to be in a BP relationship and not be emotionally injured by it.  A person in a weak emotional state, who feels wounded/abused, or depressed is likely to be consumed by the relationship, confused by the intense rages and idealization, and finding their self worth in decline.  If you chose this path, you've got to be very strong and very balanced.

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

Understand Why: This is an especially important section. I would add how important it is for you to do an emotional pro/con list, which might help you identify some underlying reasons you may be staying, and to remember that healthy relationships do not take this amount of work, especially on the side of only one partner. I would also ask of yourself what "proof" you need from your partner that they are truly trying to change. Maybe there could be a section that list signs to look for that show the SO is serious about recovery efforts?

Here's a information  from the book "Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with BPD":

Dealing with fears of abandonment:

• Understand and accept borderline anxieties: For the BP, living a life apart from her is abandonment: a husband who works late at the office, a girlfriend who spends time with other friends, a therapist who sees other patients, all may be perceived by the BP as abandoning. Such feelings are real [tho not TRUE] and must be acknowledged. Trying to use logic to convince the borderline that you are not abanding her is usually fruitless.

• Respect your own limitations: While accepting the BP's need for constant reassurance, don't totally abandon your own interests. Establish compromises between the BP's needs and your own, and stick to them.

• Don't try to play doctor: Interpreting behaviors in a clinical way may be perceived as controlling and can result in anger and greater defensiveness. During a conflict, never ask, "did you take your medicine today?" This will only reinforce an insulting implication that the BP is "crazy".

• Prepare the BP for separation: For many BP's the future, particularly an unpleasant future event, doesn't appear on the radar screen. The hope is that what hasn't yet happened perhaps never will. However, ignoring it will only precipitate more severe hurt and anger when it occurs. Don't mention a weekend fishing trip with the guys two months in advance and then avoid discussion until the night before. Instead, remind her about it and propose some compensatory activity: ":)on't forget, honey, next weekend I'll be out of town with the guys. I know I'm really going to miss you. Let's go out to a nice restaurant and show this weekend." Though you may be trespassing into self-serving strategy with this kind of reminder, it is better than intentional silence or avoidance of the issue altogether. Similarly, the therapist needs to periodically remind her patient about her upcoming vacation.

• Utilize transitional objects: "Something to remember me by" - a picture, an audiotape, an article of clothing, or any possession that links the BP to another person of importance - can lessen the pain of separation.

• Be consistent: Work for a compromise and stick to it. Ambivalence will only result in more pleading and conflicts later

[waverider]

I would take it so personal when he would start up another dating website an hour after we "broke up" but I don't know if it's just me realizing I have zero control over his behavior or he has zero control over it. I just don't know if I can live like that and constantly wonder when he will leave or walk out. One thing he doesn't do is leave me, it's always me making up my mind to leave him. I always get sucked back in because secretively I don't want him to leave I just want him to be the way he use to be.

Now you are here, and realize what the underlying issue is you can redefine this desire, from the improbable and disheartening, and redirect your efforts to a different yet much better place than where you are now.

[Johnsok]

Thank you everyone... It's so much to take it. I'm so mentally exhausted from everything & then the thought if I have no choice but to leave and then co parent with this person is overwhelming. I don't know how you all cope but I do know I love all the support and it's extremely refreshing to be able to talk to people that understand!

[Suzn]

Yes, it can feel like a lot. Especially when you are exhausted.    Taking care of you first is important, put the oxygen mask on you first so you can regain some of your energy. It's difficult to make big decisions when we are completely drained.

Take your time. If you read it all at once it can be hard to retain.

Are you able to get any rest right now?

[Johnsok]

I try to rest when I can but my mind won't rest. Dealing with all of this and the pregnancy has only made my anxiety escalate and make me feel borderline psychotic myself... .Questioning my reality

[Suzn]

Questioning our reality is common when we are trying to rationalize irrational behaviors. The lessons and the members on this board can help you with the communication skills you are going to need. Whether you decide to stay or leave and co-parent.

I'm glad you will be seeing a therapist to help you with what you're up against. He/she will be helpful. Mine is.

Our first goal is to help insure your safety. Will you look over the safety plan when you get a chance?