Carol82
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
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« on: April 11, 2015, 03:29:04 PM » |
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I’m a 32-year-old female and have recently been pushed out of my BPD partner of two years’ life. After a long distance relationship for a couple of months my partner started putting pressure on me to move to the city where he lived. At the time I considered it and gave it some great thought. Soon after that I found out that after we first started dating he was still renting a place with someone else. He claims to not have slept there for months before we got involved because he was at the police academy at the time. This girl, whom he lived with, he also claims, was never serious. She was just a flat-mate whom he had been intimate with a few times.
This set me aback, as I’m sure it would anyone else. I was wondering how easily it was for this guy to just move in with any woman. Just like that! I got cold feet and said it be best we dated a bit longer long distance and let things fall into place.
Needles to say that at the time we met I was a couple of months out of a 6-year relationship. I had no intentions of dating seriously and made that clear.
I’m assuming that made me even more a challenge to him. He was persistent. He flew into the city I lived almost every weekend. He sent me flowers, chocolates and personalized gifts in the post. He would message me every minute of everyday. He made me feel alive. Like nobody else mattered. Because he, whom I’d had a crush on for more than 10 years, had now noticed me. He’s charming and very handsome. The amount of compliments I got on how ”hot” my boyfriend was actually started to bother me. But, nonetheless, he was “mine”. He only had eyes for me and made it very clear.
The first warning sign to me was one month into the relationship. At the time I found out he was sharing a flat (or rent at least) with another woman. I told him I was upset and needed time to think about how I felt. That same day my doorbell rang frantically: it was his mother (whom I never opened the door for).
When I questioned him why she was there he told me he had mistakenly called her crying saying he was going to do something stupid.
I asked why he would involve her. It all seemed so dramatic, so eighth-grade. He was nevertheless younger than me. So we solved our differences (or so I thought) and I took that as an act of immaturity.
I feel this was the turning point in our relationship. From this day onwards I was no longer on such a high pedestal.
We continued to date long-distance and was determined we move in together in the city where he lived. He started to become so desperate that when I was invited by my family to visit them abroad for Christmas he told me he wanted to come with me, that he could just never come back and tell people once we were abroad that we had moved. This all sounded VERY wrong. Nobody quits a job like that. Not a stable job. Without a resignation or ceasing a contract? Running away like a criminal? I talked him out of it and said we should just enjoy our vacation together as that, a vacation together. Whilst having been in my home country for two weeks he told me that he loved it here. He loved seeing me so happy and surrounded by all the people I loved. Nothing mattered more to him than to see me happy. He said I should stay and he was to go back and formally quit his job. I questioned this for a week and he was determined.
Once he was back home I started to sense him restless. Not that he spoke about it, but I gathered it had been his impulsive choice. I begged him to remain where he was and that I would come back home but he was determined “this is the plan: we stick to it”. He cried more and more over our skype calls. Became restless and angry at everyone. Had tantrums over the phone. And I would keep reassuring myself all these sirens in my head were wrong. He was “just” scared and depressed.
After having moved to where I was things got worse. I realised that in a simple argument about something ridiculous it was ALWAYS a no win for me.
No matter what I did, I had done it wrong. He started yelling and lost what I had thought was all respect for me (little did I know it would get worse). He became distant. Cold. He uttered no more that 2 words to me on some days. The funny thing was, we never went a day without sex.
Slowly he started to become better. Calmer. We signed up for gym together. We were looking at new cars to buy. The one night as we got into bed I kissed him on his forehead and told him how truly happy I was to see him start fitting in. He looked at me and coldly said “I just became very good at pretending”. This was like a knife through my heart. All I ever wanted was for him to SMILE. The very next day he cold-heartedly informed me he wouldn’t be able to make it to our weekend plans as he…was going back! Just like that! He was leaving me on “the plan” all by myself and he was going to try and get his job back.
It was like I had been punched in the stomach. I was in shock, I honestly didn’t know what to say or do. He then changed his flight for 14 days later because it was cheaper, and every night until he left he would make love to me. Tell me that he didn’t know if he loved me BUT that he couldn’t break-up with me because he wasn’t sure. I cried every single day. It was as if I was going to lose my mind. I begged him on my knees to please reconsider, to at least let me be a part of his life. To go back with him, but he refused profoundly stating that I was where I belonged. For brief instances on one or two occasions I felt I was getting through to him, but no such luck.
The day he left I watched him smile as he shaved meticulously. He did his hair impeccably with gel and took an hour into grooming himself. As I sat and watched in dismay, tears pouring down my face, he carried on as if he were on his way to freedom. Those blood tears meant nothing to him.
And he left…
After being back for a couple of weeks, he started to look for me. He had no job or money and his parents would no longer support him. I sent him money more than once. I hung on to the idea that he had made a mistake (as he said he had) and did this for three months. During this time he treated me like trash He would fight with me for all or nothing. I don’t blame him. I taught him that I could take all his punches, so he just kept them coming my way.
I became tired. After being abandoned and treated the way he did, I decided it was enough. I wished him the best of luck but I terminated “the relationship”.
He changed so quickly. He was devastated, and ever so sorry. I was able to stay strong for a very long time. In December I decided to move back and see just how sorry he really was. Take it slowly and see what felt right. I did still love him after all.
I soon found out (he’s a terrible liar) that whilst crying and telling me how he would never love or be able to touch another woman again, he had been sleeping with someone from his past. Yet another step back and some more cold feet for me. We worked our differences out and as o January we became an item again. He was no very possessive and jealous. The one day, because of my cellular phone, he locked me in room for two hours. Took away my bank card and ID so couldn’t leave until I unblocked my phone. He also fetched knife, which he was going to use to shatter the screen. After two hours he apologized and offered to take me to the train station (where I was headed in order to spend a weekend with my family). I refused and left alone. He apologised for his behaviour, but as usual I provoked it. Why didn’t I guess that?
Yet again I came back for some more.
My father later became very ill, terminal cancer and landed up in ICU. I was to fly back home to see him one last time. After having been back for a week he started adding girls he didn’t know on Facebook in order to provoke a reaction in me, which he did. He would laugh at my questions, tell me a lie, and then later say: I was lying, why did you believe me. All such a sick mind game. I was very upset given the time I was going through here. How could he play with me now? Did he have no sense of empathy. It makes me sick just thinking about it.
He has since told me he hates me, that I ruined his life. He called me trash and a whore. He accuses me of disrespecting him and for that reason he now need to be alone. He needs to find himself because I ruined his life.
I asked him, sobbing, how he could have the heart to do this now. Why? He plainly said that there’s no right time.
When I playback moments in our relationship he always saw me as being against him. Even if I intervened in any situation on his behalf, it was because I didn’t think much of him. If I didn’t, well that would be because I didn’t care.
It was so bad that he didn’t want me to spend money on him for his birthday, but I knew if I didn’t he’d be mad too. How to win? I bought a card, made dinner and a cake. Invited his brother and two close friends and, guess what…it wasn’t good enough.
I was feeling very broken this last week. It’s been chaotic. With my dad ill and at home, the emotional strain of watching someone you know die and to think that he’s out there hating me, having fun and sleeping with other woman, makes me hurt so bad I could vomit.
I know I shouldn’t take him back. The worst is, I probably would. Worse than that (maybe now that I’m not too rational) is that he wont come back. It’s been a month and this time he’s firm. He has new prey.
I guess I might have co-dependent personality traits, okay, I don’t guess, I know I do. Regardless, this relationship has left me empty. At the same time I don’t want it to have been a waste I know that without proper help it would never, ever work.
And he doesn’t need help right now…he’s having too much fun hating and hurting me.
Advice?
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