Do borderlines only want what they can't have?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've read this before, and I know it varies from person to person, but it seems like statement holds true. My BPD soon to be ex seems to be exhibiting this right now. What this feeling hinges on seems to be so extremely fragile for him. As soon as I express that I agree that we should break up, we need to be apart from one another, he says "I know. I'm not saying we slam the book shut forever, throw away the key". When I asked for clarification, wanting to know if he was just basically trying to sugarcoat it, he said "I'm not leaving the door open right now. I guess what I'm saying is there is always a chance for things to be different down the road. Just not now. And the proverbial road I'm talking about is a long, long one."

This is vague and has an air of slight contradiction from one statement to the other. Which is really turning me off. And I'm really thankful for that, because I need reminders of why I don't need him in my life.

It seems to be all about his feelings, and it seems like he wants it both ways, which does not surprise me. At this point, I don't really feel the urge to have him back. But it seems like, ironically, if I tell him kindly that I'm coming to terms with the breakup and looking forward to new opportunities, it will make him want what is now out of his reach. Either that, or he will always assume I'm within his reach until I prove otherwise by moving on with life.

What is your experience with this? I can't lie, it would feel good to be "wanted" by him, whatever that means in his world. But I know that is an endless and weird cycle, because as soon as he has what he wants, he won't want it anymore.

Do borderlines want what they can't have?

[confusedwoman]

I've read this before, and I know it varies from person to person, but it seems like statement holds true. My BPD soon to be ex seems to be exhibiting this right now. What this feeling hinges on seems to be so extremely fragile for him. As soon as I express that I agree that we should break up, we need to be apart from one another, he says "I know. I'm not saying we slam the book shut forever, throw away the key". When I asked for clarification, wanting to know if he was just basically trying to sugarcoat it, he said "I'm not leaving the door open right now. I guess what I'm saying is there is always a chance for things to be different down the road. Just not now. And the proverbial road I'm talking about is a long, long one."

This is vague and has an air of slight contradiction from one statement to the other. Which is really turning me off. And I'm really thankful for that, because I need reminders of why I don't need him in my life.

It seems to be all about his feelings, and it seems like he wants it both ways, which does not surprise me. At this point, I don't really feel the urge to have him back. But it seems like, ironically, if I tell him kindly that I'm coming to terms with the breakup and looking forward to new opportunities, it will make him want what is now out of his reach. Either that, or he will always assume I'm within his reach until I prove otherwise by moving on with life.

What is your experience with this? I can't lie, it would feel good to be "wanted" by him, whatever that means in his world. But I know that is an endless and weird cycle, because as soon as he has what he wants, he won't want it anymore.

Do borderlines want what they can't have?

[patientandclear]

CW ... .my feeling of being completely in tune with your experience continues ... .

I found this article to be tremendously helpful in adding some nuance to the "they only want it when they can't have it" dynamic.  This helps explain that "having it" (having actual union with another person) actually feels enormously threatening to the pwBPD's sense of self.  Which makes sense and, to me, makes it easier not to take it so personally.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

[confusedwoman]

Patientandclear,

I've read that article before, but not in this context. That pretty much hits the nail on the head. It's crazy to see it in action. It seems very subtle in this interaction, but based on my experience with him I think that's what's going on. I wasn't really hurt by what he said earlier -- it really helps so much to know we shouldn't take any of it personally. I was more irritated by his comments, actually, which I didn't express to him. I'll be seeing him for the last time tonight and as long as nothing changes drastically in the next four hours, I think my indifference and lack of begging might baffle him. Oy. It's all becoming so apparent to me now!

[patientandclear]

I know, I'd read that piece quite a few times too, but never understood the importance of that component till now.

Unfortunately understanding doesn't fix it.  I'm glad you are hanging on to your feeling of irritation. It IS an irritating somewhat presumptuous way of dealing with another person, and the fact that you understand why it's happening doesn't mean that even the most perfect reaction will "fix" the situation.  It sucks.

I think an important takeaway from the article is that you cannot own the outcome.  You can only own your part.  Being loving and clear and enforcing boundaries and not indulging BPD-infused coping mechanisms is the best you can do.  From there on out, you have to do them the courtesy and respect of making their own choices.

Good luck tonight.  I have a lot of confidence in you.  Also remember tonight is not the final verdict.  There will be more to come.  Think of what you're doing as a deposit on a healthier dynamic.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey C/W, I would rephrase your subject line slightly to read something like, "No matter what they have, why is it never enough for a borderline?"  Having said that, I would agree that they only want what they can't have, because whatever they have is never enough to relieve their inner turmoil, so their happiness depends on the next new thing, e.g., the next house, the next car, the next job, etc., which only affords temporary relief.  LuckyJim