D19 started T and got triggered

[trappedinlove]

Hi there, this is my first post on this message board.

My D19 was diagnosed with BP traits about 4 years ago after she went through anorexia and then pretty severe behavioral disorder, she ran away from home, dropped out of school, endangered herself by connecting with wrong type of friends and experiencing all sorts of stuff.

After my then-wife couldn't handle her rages and lost control over herself, and that was the straw that broke the camel's back for me and I left her and moved out and started on the divorce process.  Two years ago my stbxw passed away after losing the battle to cancer.

Unrelatedly, during this time, I had a long emotional affair with a upwBPD that turned into a very loving and close friendship but eventually did not materialize into a romantic r/s.  That devastated eventually after she broke up from her bf, got triggered, moved to a different town, and painted me black. This brought me to this wonderful site that helped me get over the rejection, depression, and anxiety I experienced and move on.

When my exw was diagnosed with cancer I was there to take care of her and the family for the whole time and I moved back home after she died.  :)uring that time, my D returned back home, and got regulated.  She showed significant progress and recently she applied for college and got back to school.

A little over a month ago she came to me and asked for my help regarding getting therapy.  I was really glad as all these years she refused T and that was a big issues that flared up rages until I accepted that she'll get T when she feels ready to and it might take her many years to get there.  Well, it took less, and she asked my help both to find a T for her and to help her with the high costs. I found a T that is experienced with BPD and came recommended by a friend I trust (who's a T herself and knows him as a colleague) and she started seeing him beginning of March. I have no direct contact with the T, although he should know about the references he got.

Last couple weeks I feel like there is a relapse in her condition.  She's been negative to my current gf and to me, she is unfriendly with me and shuts herself down and does not respond many times, while being controlling in the house, and when she does respond it's usually raging about my behavior.

First, I wanted to ask if this is typical to the beginning of T?

Second, I'd appreciate your advice about how to deal with her behavior.  I try to stay calm, validate her feelings, yet put them in a healthy perspective, and keep my boundaries regarding her behavior at home and particularly towards me and her siblings.

Is it a good idea to call her out on her projection onto me and having a double standard?

For example, she raged at me yesterday after I unclogged her shower on her request and since she did not show any reaction and didn't say even a faint "thank you" I told her how unpleasant it is for me and that I expect some recognition and don't like to be taken for granted.  Her response was rage about how impossible I am to live with and that I am criticizing and emotional and expect her for a response on the spot while she had a rough day and how could I not seen that and and let her just be alone with herself until later when she regains her energy.  My response that I don't read minds and it would be much better if she'd communicate to me that she is in a bad mood, and that even a very modest "thank you" would be appropriate and appreciated but I can accept that she's in a such a bad mood that even saying thanks is beyond her right now, as long as she communicates it better.

And as for projection by accusing me of being emotional, I reflected to her that she demands from me to detect her emotional state and be considerate about her emotions while she completely devalues my emotions and my need for consideration.  This wasn't throwing it back at her and telling her that my emotions are more important than her's but rather saying that we both have feelings that need to be considered, let's be open about them and communicate them, and be fair and reciprocating with each other.

TIL

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi trappedinlove,

Welcome to the Parenting Board!

It's good that your d is in therapy... .how old is she?

What kind of therapy is she in?

She may be challenged in therapy to look to self for the answers of  why she is unhappy... .that is definitely triggering. 

Is it a good idea to call her out on her projection onto me and having a double standard?

There are teaching moments and then there are not.  Gauging your d's emotional state (taking her emotional temperature) can be difficult sometimes.  If we are unsure of their emotional state it is best to wait until we are sure before we respond and hold them accountable.  We can do more harm than good when we try to teach at unteachable times.

Others may have a different perspective on this.

lbj

[livednlearned]

Hi TIL,

I sometimes have success when I keep things to "I" statements. "I feel sad. I wanted you to be happy that I unclogged the shower for you." Followed immediately by a lot of wise mind, since depending on where S13 is at, I might get an earful. Or not. Always hard to tell. I want him to know that I have feelings, and I can express them in a healthy way.

I read in a book how no teen likes a lecture, ever. As in: never. Which pretty much emptied my entire tool kit before I began trying to create a validating environment for my son, and learning some other more helpful tools.

If your D is feeling triggered right now, she might hear your simple explanation for how consideration works to come across as invalidating because she is overwhelmed by other feelings and not able to communicate them. She has higher than average needs for validation. You have needs for validation too -- in that moment, she was not able to provide you the validation you were seeking.  

My T told me to think of time and space as part of my skill set. Knowing when to take time, and when to create space. That has helped me realize that everything does not have to be solved right now, which is how I typically like my reality to go  . Time and space gives me a chance to think about my response, and 9/10 it is a much better response, one that S13 is able to hear and accept.

[trappedinlove]

Hi trappedinlove,

Welcome to the Parenting Board!

It's good that your d is in therapy... .how old is she?

What kind of therapy is she in?

Hi lbj, thanks for being here!

My daughter is 19 years old.

This therapist uses multiple methods: mindfulness, dynamic therapy, DBT, CBT.

I am currently out of the loop and getting little feedback from my D about the specifics of her T.

She may be challenged in therapy to look to self for the answers of  why she is unhappy... .that is definitely triggering. 

Is it a good idea to call her out on her projection onto me and having a double standard?

There are teaching moments and then there are not.  Gauging your d's emotional state (taking her emotional temperature) can be difficult sometimes.  If we are unsure of their emotional state it is best to wait until we are sure before we respond and hold them accountable.  We can do more harm than good when we try to teach at unteachable times.

Others may have a different perspective on this.

lbj

That's a very good point. In the past an important technique I applied was delayed response when I felt that a response was required but the immediate timing was wrong. In this case I made sure to communucate that we need to deal with it later and explained briefly why now isn't a good time to do that.

TIL

[trappedinlove]

Hi TIL,

I sometimes have success when I keep things to "I" statements. "I feel sad. I wanted you to be happy that I unclogged the shower for you." Followed immediately by a lot of wise mind, since depending on where S13 is at, I might get an earful. Or not. Always hard to tell. I want him to know that I have feelings, and I can express them in a healthy way.

Hi Lnl,

That's true and I use it a lot, though it's frustrating many times when the response I get goes along the lines of: "well, I don't give a ___ about how you feel, that's your problem not mine, deal with it" ;-)

I read in a book how no teen likes a lecture, ever. As in: never. Which pretty much emptied my entire tool kit before I began trying to create a validating environment for my son, and learning some other more helpful tools.

If your D is feeling triggered right now, she might hear your simple explanation for how consideration works to come across as invalidating because she is overwhelmed by other feelings and not able to communicate them. She has higher than average needs for validation. You have needs for validation too -- in that moment, she was not able to provide you the validation you were seeking.  

My T told me to think of time and space as part of my skill set. Knowing when to take time, and when to create space. That has helped me realize that everything does not have to be solved right now, which is how I typically like my reality to go  . Time and space gives me a chance to think about my response, and 9/10 it is a much better response, one that S13 is able to hear and accept.

Thanks! Great way to put it.

TIL

[trappedinlove]

Update: last few days has been better after the conversation I had with my D.

Nevertheless I realized that I felt anxious about my d deteriorating and this brought on a lot of painful memories from several years ago.  One point I took from this group (thanks again!) is the need for a crisis plan so I called her T, introduced myself and communicated my worries. Since my D preferred I do not talk to her T I couldn't go into any details and we agreed that a meeting between would be beneficial and he would get her permission, need be, and in the meanwhile I just left him with my phone number in case he needs to call me on any emergency.

That helped reduce my anxiety levels, just in case... .

TIL

[Eggdad]

Hi Til,

I really relate to your posts. I also struggle mightily in helping my dd by NOT solving her problems for her and letting her face the consequences of her decisions while still being there to validate her feelings and let her vent and cry and rant until the bad emotion of the day has passed, steering away from triggers without shielding her from the real world... . sigh, an almost impossible balancing act!

Therapy is very stressful for my 22 yo d. She has gone through 4 Ts in the past two years, each aborted therapy followed by a few months of break before she was able to start again with a new one. The great news is that next week, for the first time, she will resume therapy with the same T with whom she had a conflict 6 weeks ago. A big step forward.

Also, looking back on the past 2 years, I see a clear slow but steady improvement in d's ability to handle the outside world without becoming emotionally disregulated. I'm very hopeful for the future.