Adult daughter w/BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

I'm new to this site and wanted to see if anyone has any advice. My adult daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD. Even though the diagnosis is new the problems have been there for many years. She is in therapy and I'm very thankful for that. My question is, she has no friends. None. She lives an hour + away from me and it is not an easy drive to go see her. In addition she doesn't really want company, she says it makes her sad. She works and has her own apartment but does nothing in the evening or weekends unless she is going to therapy or running errands. Because of her isolation she calls me several times a day, almost daily. I truly want to be accessable for her but sometimes it wears me out. Does anyone have a thought on what if anything I can do?

[BPDMom29]

I'm new to this site and wanted to see if anyone has any advice. My adult daughter was recently diagnosed with BPD. Even though the diagnosis is new the problems have been there for many years. She is in therapy and I'm very thankful for that. My question is, she has no friends. None. She lives an hour + away from me and it is not an easy drive to go see her. In addition she doesn't really want company, she says it makes her sad. She works and has her own apartment but does nothing in the evening or weekends unless she is going to therapy or running errands. Because of her isolation she calls me several times a day, almost daily. I truly want to be accessable for her but sometimes it wears me out. Does anyone have a thought on what if anything I can do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Tim300]

I am sorry that you are going through this.  What happens when you are less accessible?  What are you worried about?

[lbjnltx]

Hi BPDMom29,

Welcome to the Parents Board, we are happy you found us and sorry to learn that your daughter has BPD.

How old is your daughter and do you know what kind of therapy she is attending?

Isolation can be a big problem as it is a sign of depression.  :)oes your d take any meds for depression? Sometimes social anxiety contributes to isolation as well.

Have you talked with your d about what feelings she has regarding friendships?  Maybe she feels judged by others, disappointed by friends in the past, abandoned by them... .?  Validating her feelings and then asking her validating questions to gently guide her towards accepting others may help.  Encouraging her to pursue interests like art, music, volunteering at something she likes can be a good first step.  

The black and white thinking about relationships/friendships can feel like there is no point in having friends to a person with BPD (pwBPD).  Our kids can be so easily disappointed when friends don't live up to their expectations.  Here is some info on black and white thinking, also referred to as Splitting, that can better explain how their thought processes work:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0


How are you coping with the anxiety you have around your daughter's isolation?  

lbjnltx

[BPDMom29]

She refuses at this point to take medications. She had a bad expeirence several years ago with a medication that was not monitored and she tried to commit suicide. Since then she is scared to try anything else. My fear is that this will be her life. ALONE and friendless I guess in all honesty it makes me so sad and tears at my heart.

[Tim300]

My fear is that this will be her life. ALONE and friendless I guess in all honesty it makes me so sad and tears at my heart.

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I've always been a gregarious person.  However, I've had friends who are more of the "loner" type.  For a person with BPD, this "loner route" might actually be a good route to go, for both the pwBPD and for others.  I hope that if she does go this route she can find happiness outside of relationships, perhaps with respect to a hobby or even just simply being content to coast by as is, enjoying the simple things in life.

[livednlearned]

Hi BPDMom29,

My son is a bit of a loner (he's 13) and it breaks my heart too. He is actually fairly charismatic, but tends to not want to be out in crowds or seek out friends. I don't know why.

He does tend to have a lot going on socially when he's online, and will "get together" with friends from school on the computer. Does your daughter do anything like that? Does she have any hobbies that appeal to her? I would prefer that S13 socialize in person. If I had to choose between no socializing, or socializing online, I would pick the latter. At least he is feeling stimulated and connected, and not entirely depressed.