I have never been so close to leaving my BPD BF

[Isa_lala]

I have been thinking of leaving him for months, if not years (have been in the RS for almost 3 years)

I was so in love with him, didn't want to lose all the extraordinary aspects of our relationship... . but now that the ugly part of the RS is taking too much space, even if I still love the man who is absolutely wonderful, I made the decision of leaving him.

I already started to tell him, but for the moment he seems to think that it is another complaint from me and he doesn't seem to understand what I am saying. I know that this kind of discussion is more difficult with s/o with a BPD and I will have to be clearer if I want him to understand that my mind is made... .

wish me luck and if you have pieces of advice for me you are most welcome!

[Loosestrife]

Will he accept responsibility for for his beahviours and get help?

[Mutt]

Hi Isa_Lala,

I'm sorry you had to go through this. It sounds like you've suffered sadness for some time in your r/s.

It may be a good idea to keep mum about wanting to leave him.

At the center of the disorder is the core wound if abandonment, abandonment fears, a narcissistic injury.

A criteria for BPD is fear of abandonment, perceived or real.

You may very well trigger his fear of abandonment if you tell him.

[Isa_lala]

Hello

We finally had a very serious discussion (on the phone) that day. I told him everything I had in my mind, he understood very well, he was very open to listen to what I had to say. It was probably the first time we had a very serious and normal discussion where both of us really expressed our feelings and really listened to each other. We spoke again about starting a therapy.

I then decided to give him a last chance. I really think that this was a very serious wakeup call for both of us and now, I expect him to do something. If he doesn’t, that’s it, I give up. Very too bad because I really want this R/S to work, but I know it cannot work as it presently is.

10 days later, I told him that we had to discuss how we would find a therapist and he didn’t want to speak about it, saying it was not the good moment (we were to fall asleep). Ok, but I will come back on it and won’t let it go. I strongly believe that he will never start a serious therapy even if he understood that we cannot have the life we want together without it… just too bad… I have already started my grieving process

Mutt, he felt very desperate when he finally understood that I wanted to leave him, then, 2 days after, he started to be a little mad at me to have thought of leaving me as HE has never thought about leaving me. He couldn’t believe that I was seriously thinking about leaving him.

I didn’t have the right reply because I should have told him that what he shouldn’t believe is why I had not thought about leaving him way before that… I just told him that a lot of his behaviours was unacceptable for me and that I had taken it again and again and that, at one point, I had enough.

To be continued…

[Loosestrife]

My thoughts are with you. Keep us updated 

[Isa_lala]

Thank you

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Isa, What makes you think your r/s will go differently this time around?  You have been in the r/s for almost three years, as you relate, and seem ready to invest more time.  Have you thought about how much more time you are willing to expend?  LuckyJim

[Isa_lala]

Lucky jim, it is a question I ask myself on and on. I don't think the r/s will go differently this time, I just hope.

What I know for sure it's that I will not invest as much time as I have already had except if there was a serious commitment from my BF in getting help. Then I would stand by him and give him my unconditional support.

if there is no commitment, I will give up for sure. I know where my limits are.

and I want to know where he stands in the very short term so I can make my decision

[Wood stock]

Hi there--your situation sounds similar to mine with the ultimatum of therapy... .my exBPDbf fiance "faked it" through a few sessions of therapy and then decided the therapist "didn't know what she was talking about" (she had a PhD from Marshall University for crying out loud).

And like you--I kept giving it the "one last try" because there were some amazing things about the relationship.  But in the end--his unacceptable behaviors went too far and I said "No more." And then, of course, I was the bad guy and he "never wanted to be in my small, twisted world anyway"... .true story.

So... .I would be curious to know how this works out for you... .

Until then--best of luck to you. 

[Isa_lala]

Woodstock, sorry for the delay of my answer. I know the “the therapist didn't know what she was talking about… I received the same comment from my BF a year ago after seeing a psychologist  three times…

This time, after my last post, nothing happened (except a 2 weeks in a row of total paradise which already is exceptional) . A month later, I again almost broke up with him. (it was the 15th of May) This time, I decided to not let go the point of starting a therapy and I ended up with an appointment for both of us this Thursday. Guess what happened? What I expected, meaning that he wants to cancel our first appointment saying that he doesn’t believe it will help us.

So HE doesn’t believe in a therapy and the only person he can open up to is me and I am the only one who can help him…... .And myself?  I do believe that we need help, I am not a psychologist and I do believe I cannot help him. So what do we do?

I will challenge him a little bit to understand how I can help him, I am very curious to see what kind of magical thinking he believes in. We are in the dead end I knew was coming, we are right there!

I need to find a way of dealing with that because, on my end, there is no last try…... .

all suggestions are welcome

[Loosestrife]

How about getting a psychiatric review? It has helped my SO get into group therapy for BPD.

[Isa_lala]

Hello Loosestrife

For the moment, we haven't really spoken about BPD.

last news are that we are supposed to speak about therapy, taking into account pros and cons and we would decide if we seek for help or not. I use conditional as you know what challenge it is to have a real discussion with a BP

But what I want to do is to say that for me, what he calls his "weaknesses" are not weaknesses but major issues and that it does take a psychological help. And we, as a couple, don't really need to see a psychologist as HE has the problem. Too bad if it doesn't take it. That's the true.

and should he be receptive, I would speak about BPD (I just mentioned it a month or so ago but we haven't spoken about it)

So, if there is not a very serious commitment from him, I give up. It is too suffering and, after more than 2 years of suffering, I cannot take it anymore... .

[Loosestrife]

I know how not being able to take anymore feels. My SO took diagnosis really badly, but even if we don't work out, I know I got her the right help.

[strongerthanU]

Isa

couldn't help but be drawn to your hope for a different outcome for your r/s. I have been in a 27 yr r/s with my uBPD/dxPTSDh who has used all of the same reasoning your bf has (nothing will work, or counseling does nothing). We separated at 10 years at my insistence. I completed co-dependency treatment and he went to individual counseling as did I and we did couple counseling. Here I am same *%&t different day! We had four children and I couldn't imagine breaking up my family. immediately upon letting him come home he cancelled all future counseling appointments and refused to work on anything because according to him we had no problems I just needed to be more understanding of his needs as a man.  I am in agony right now debating walking away, i'm older, much more tired, and most definitely considering how my future could be happier and more relaxed. No one can tell you what is the right answer for you it plays out differently for everyone, It just seems you still have so much life to live it would be a shame to hope and wait on empty dreams and wake up angry and empty some day. I have worked very hard the past five years to have an identity in spite of his disregulation, I have friends, wonderful kids and grandkids and do everything alone because everything is a fight with h. think about how you want to live and do life and recognize bf most likely will not have the ability to do this with you. hugs to you and I pray you have the courage to believe you are a wonderful unique person with much to offer a relationship.

p.s. don't believe words; believe behavior... .

[zulfiqar]

If you have no kids then take the advice above my post. The truth is: HE WILL NOT CHANGE. How do I know that? Well from what you're saying he basically does not want to change or cannot change. He just does small things to keep you invested. So either accept him as he is and live your x future number of years like you do now or get out.

[Isa_lala]

thank you to both of you

StrongerthanU, I totally understand what you say about your r/s. When you say that your husband told you that you just needed to be more understanding of his needs as a man, my BF says the same.

at the beginning, he was not blaming me, only him. Now, he doesn't want to take all the blame and accuses me of not taking care of him, to prefer to be with others than with him etc. He often says "you criticize me but look at yourself".

I do not want this kind of life. If he doesn't believe in therapy, I won't force him to start one. And in this case, separation will be the only issue because I you say Zulfiqar, he will not change... .

[Loosestrife]

. He often says "you criticize me but look at yourself".

If he won't seek help then I would leave before he erodes your self esteem 

[Isa_lala]

Loose strife, it did at the beginning of the r/s until I realized that his behaviors were not because of me, but because of him... .

[Mike-X]

Woodstock, sorry for the delay of my answer. I know the “the therapist didn't know what she was talking about… I received the same comment from my BF a year ago after seeing a psychologist  three times…

This time, after my last post, nothing happened (except a 2 weeks in a row of total paradise which already is exceptional) . A month later, I again almost broke up with him. (it was the 15th of May) This time, I decided to not let go the point of starting a therapy and I ended up with an appointment for both of us this Thursday. Guess what happened? What I expected, meaning that he wants to cancel our first appointment saying that he doesn’t believe it will help us.

So HE doesn’t believe in a therapy and the only person he can open up to is me and I am the only one who can help him…... .And myself?  I do believe that we need help, I am not a psychologist and I do believe I cannot help him. So what do we do?

I will challenge him a little bit to understand how I can help him, I am very curious to see what kind of magical thinking he believes in. We are in the dead end I knew was coming, we are right there!

I need to find a way of dealing with that because, on my end, there is no last try…... .

all suggestions are welcome

Isa_lala,

The desire to help the pwBPD is quite common. I definitely felt it with my uBPDgf. However, there are potentially complex dynamics that often take place between a therapist and client. Here is a summary that I came across in my own search on BPD and therapy:

The mate may get seduced into helping fix her spouse's serious problems out of unrealistic altruistic reasons. This is common to many psychological disorders. When someone has a serious personality disturbance, expecting an unqualified, untrained spouse to try to fix or correct the person's long standing illness will have disastrous results. This is especially true because emotional involvement with a disturbed person should not include quasi roles of the pseudo-patient and healing-spouse partner. Relationships and marriages do not heal personality, mood, or anxiety disorders. The clinically disturbed person should seek out a professionally trained therapist and not project the need to be cured onto a partner. When transferences erupt into full bloom in these kinds of pseudo-relationships, the consequences are quite unpleasant.

Any spouse, lover, or partner who tries to be a therapist in order to satisfy the other person's therapeutic need is asking for failure. You cannot be a spouse and a therapist at the same time when the other person is seriously impaired. The disordered person may narcissistically want to save face by not openly sharing and discussing the problem. He will avoid going to see a trained therapist. Remember, disturbed people have difficulty forming strong, stable emotional bonds; and this deficiency leads to resistance and avoidance of assuming the appropriate task of forming the therapeutic alliance.

It sounds like you have a healthy understanding and appreciation for the value of a skilled therapist and for your limits as a partner in a relationship. I believe you are correct in resisting the projected need to be cured by you (as seductive as that might be for an empathetic person who doesn't want to see their loved one suffering) and avoiding the complexities of transference and other therapeutic processes.

[Lucky Jim]

It sounds like you have a healthy understanding and appreciation for the value of a skilled therapist and for your limits as a partner in a relationship. I believe you are correct in resisting the projected need to be cured by you (as seductive as that might be for an empathetic person who doesn't want to see their loved one suffering) and avoiding the complexities of transference and other therapeutic processes.

Like what you're saying, Mike-X.  As Nons, don't we all want to be seen as White Knights?  I suspect many of us have been seduced by the altruistic impulse to help our BPD SO, as you describe.  I certainly was.  Yet on some level, I wonder whether a pwBPD fundamentally does not want our help?

LuckyJim

[Isa_lala]

thank you Mike

unfortunately, we made another step toward the separation last night with one of his crisis. I had the opportunity to calmly explain him this morning how abnormal this relationship was, that he had serious issues on his side which he should take care of before hoping to have a normal relationship with a women and I said that despite what he said about me being the only person capable of helping him, I didn't have the abilities to help him as I don't have the ability to work in construction (his field of expertise)

I don't want to leave him, but I want to get out of this suffering. Should there be a way to not feel this suffering in this relationship anymore, I would be pleased to know. If no options seem to be possible except ending the r/s, I will end it... .

[Isa_lala]

It sounds like you have a healthy understanding and appreciation for the value of a skilled therapist and for your limits as a partner in a relationship. I believe you are correct in resisting the projected need to be cured by you (as seductive as that might be for an empathetic person who doesn't want to see their loved one suffering) and avoiding the complexities of transference and other therapeutic processes.

Like what you're saying, Mike-X.  As Nons, don't we all want to be seen as White Knights?  I suspect many of us have been seduced by the altruistic impulse to help our BPD SO, as you describe.  I certainly was.  Yet on some level, I wonder whether a pwBPD fundamentally does not want our help?

LuckyJim

I think they desperately do want our help, but we cannot help them as they are the only one able to help themselves... .