Maybe my wife just has mild BPD and I'm overreacting?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi folks,

THANKS!

Reading this website has been crucially informative for me. In my heart I started deciding to separate/divorce from my wife of 14 yrs about 1 year ago.  After years of difficulty I realized it would be better for my 7 yr old son for us to be divorced, than to have a Dad who committed suicide, or became alcoholic, or was constantly depressed.  In the dark years after my son was born, my wife withheld sex for 8 yrs, hit me a few times (no serious danger for me, though I kept photos of 2 bruises), isolated me from friends and family, blamed me for everything, verbally abused me, etc., and now I see that many of her behaviors were classic BPD symptoms.  I survived because I was severely codependent, and in 2010 I vowed to give it 5 yrs for the sake of our son. 

In June 2014 my wife told me in front of my son, "can you try not to be SUCH a disappointment?" and I felt awful.  Later that day, when she was less angry, she confirmed to my son and I that she felt very disappointed by me.  I considered suicide that day but then woke up and decided to consider divorce as a better alternative. In the past year, I went to a therapist, realized my codependency, kept a journal, and reconnected with friends who helped me "wake up" to the bizarreness in my marriage.  I wrote many letters to my wife explaining my pain and asking for change, and there was slow improvement and she started to be more affectionate, but it was not enough for me... . until I gave her a letter telling her that I was leaving emotionally, and that I would stay in the house and work for a year, but my heart wasn't in it anymore.

Since that "leaving" letter my wife has scheduled couples therapy (oft-requested by me but refused for many years), initiated sex with me several times, and she has been a model partner.  It's suddenly an ideal marriage  EXCEPT... .

1. I can't forgive or let go the past. I can't help but bring up the past in arguments, which is bad of me but even if our marriage improved it seems so UNFAIR to me.

2. I can't trust her--if she really wanted to change, why did she wait until I said I was leaving? May be coincidental timing, but i looks like she's "charming" me back into the relationship.

3. I just don't love her anymore.  My "leaving" letter was sincere and well thought-out; I really did leave emotionally, there are no embers, only ashes.

I still feel fairly sure that we need to separate, for my own mental health.  But it's hard to be sure, since she is being so nice, and she is so sad, she is still so dependent on me, and because my son has no idea; most of the fighting happens away from him. 

I keep thinking of what my wife always asks me: "What if I HAVE really changed?  Is it fair of you to leave, if there is NOTHING I can do to fix it enough?  You have to give me a chance!"

Any ideas? 

Do I have to give her a (nother) chance?

Do BPD's ever really, really change themselves, or do you think I'm just being charmed?

[UndauntedDad]

Hi folks,

THANKS!

Reading this website has been crucially informative for me. In my heart I started deciding to separate/divorce from my wife of 14 yrs about 1 year ago.  After years of difficulty I realized it would be better for my 7 yr old son for us to be divorced, than to have a Dad who committed suicide, or became alcoholic, or was constantly depressed.  In the dark years after my son was born, my wife withheld sex for 8 yrs, hit me a few times (no serious danger for me, though I kept photos of 2 bruises), isolated me from friends and family, blamed me for everything, verbally abused me, etc., and now I see that many of her behaviors were classic BPD symptoms.  I survived because I was severely codependent, and in 2010 I vowed to give it 5 yrs for the sake of our son. 

In June 2014 my wife told me in front of my son, "can you try not to be SUCH a disappointment?" and I felt awful.  Later that day, when she was less angry, she confirmed to my son and I that she felt very disappointed by me.  I considered suicide that day but then woke up and decided to consider divorce as a better alternative. In the past year, I went to a therapist, realized my codependency, kept a journal, and reconnected with friends who helped me "wake up" to the bizarreness in my marriage.  I wrote many letters to my wife explaining my pain and asking for change, and there was slow improvement and she started to be more affectionate, but it was not enough for me... . until I gave her a letter telling her that I was leaving emotionally, and that I would stay in the house and work for a year, but my heart wasn't in it anymore.

Since that "leaving" letter my wife has scheduled couples therapy (oft-requested by me but refused for many years), initiated sex with me several times, and she has been a model partner.  It's suddenly an ideal marriage  EXCEPT... .

1. I can't forgive or let go the past. I can't help but bring up the past in arguments, which is bad of me but even if our marriage improved it seems so UNFAIR to me.

2. I can't trust her--if she really wanted to change, why did she wait until I said I was leaving? May be coincidental timing, but i looks like she's "charming" me back into the relationship.

3. I just don't love her anymore.  My "leaving" letter was sincere and well thought-out; I really did leave emotionally, there are no embers, only ashes.

I still feel fairly sure that we need to separate, for my own mental health.  But it's hard to be sure, since she is being so nice, and she is so sad, she is still so dependent on me, and because my son has no idea; most of the fighting happens away from him. 

I keep thinking of what my wife always asks me: "What if I HAVE really changed?  Is it fair of you to leave, if there is NOTHING I can do to fix it enough?  You have to give me a chance!"

Any ideas? 

Do I have to give her a (nother) chance?

Do BPD's ever really, really change themselves, or do you think I'm just being charmed?

[livednlearned]

Hi UndauntedDad,

Welcome to the site, I'm glad you found us. You will find many members here who have experienced what you describe. I left my ex when my son was 9, and spent 4 years going back and forth about whether to stay or go. I spent a year planning carefully, and left 4.5 years ago. It seems a lifetime ago.

I'm glad you were able to see an alternative to taking your own life. A lot of people in abusive relationships, whether pre-clinical BPD or full-blown dysregulated BPD, suffer from depression. If you asked me five years ago would I ever feel the way I do now, I would think it wasn't possible. Sometimes I think healing from my BPD relationship was a blessing in disguise. I wanted my son to be emotionally resilient, and that meant I had to figure that out for myself first. The same path is there for you if you're willing.

People on this board (Family Law) often have experienced the double-punch of a BPD break-up as well as family court. You will hear a lot of advice to leave. If you want to work through this with others who are emotionally piecing together what they want, there are steps you can follow and people going through the process on the Undecided board. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=2.0

I personally think it's good to gather information about how family court works, regardless of whether you decide to divorce now or not. There are things you need to know, and planning in advance will go a long way, especially if your wife suddenly does a 180 and makes a false allegation in a grab to get custody of your son. Be prepared for the worst, hope for the best. For a lot of us, the writing is on the wall -- the allegations and abuse have already happened, a good predicator that it will happen again. Next time, have your ducks in a row.

I did that. I had a plan, and N/BPDx triggered one Friday morning. I knew that weekend was going to be a black hole, so I put my plan together and got S9 out of there and we had a relatively smooth emergency landing. Every step of the way through family court, I was ahead. That went a long way to helping me protect my son and myself.

A book we often recommend here is Splitting by Bill Eddy -- you can download it to your computer or Kindle device if you have one. Read it twice.

Your wife may not be a high-conflict personality, which is someone with a personality disorder times ten. That doesn't make life any more easy to deal with in terms of the relationship, but it could mean that you have an easier time in court.

Let's hope so.

[UndauntedDad]

Thanks so much, LivednLearned!

Reading your letter made me feel a lot better, like I'm not alone, OR crazy.  Also, time passing tends to re-center me; I've been fairly certain about leaving for a year, I just have doubts at times during/after speaking to my wife, on her good days which are frequent lately.  But, if staying is the right thing, why does it only feel that way when I talk to her?

Every time I read my journal, talk to my friends, read psychology or marriage books, talk to my therapist, look at these websites, go to church, or sit and THINK by myself, my heart tells me to leave.  That's a lot of data!

She may be the most important person in my life, but only considering her data point while ignoring others is not logical.

Thanks for the help.  I'm interviewing 2 lawyers today, and I'm going to get Splitting.  More data can't hurt!

-Undaunted, again

[livednlearned]

You're definitely not alone, and you're not crazy. 

I'm not sure what your longer history is like, but a lot of people here come from homes that were invalidating and/or abusive. If water seeks its own level, and your level has always been abuse, then being able to recognize what feels good can be a challenge. I had this whisper somewhere that kept telling me what my ex was doing to me, and especially to my son, was wrong. I couldn't put my finger on it. Then I got into therapy and people kept saying that's abusive, and it was the first time in my life I got a different perspective on what was going on.

Since you like to collect data    here are some other materials that might help:

The Theory of the Pattern of Blame

Psychological and Emotional Stages of Divorce

High-Conflict Family Law Matters and Personality Disorders

You might also appreciate the conversation members have had about whether to stay or leave for the kids.

One last thing -- my son seems to be genetically predisposed to either BPD or depression. He is very emotionally sensitive. I worried about what things would be like if he was in the home with my ex by himself. It turned out that spending majority time with me was extremely important for his recovery. He needed to experience a safe, stable, calm validating environment, even if it was only part-time. Otherwise, he was in a toxic environment 100% of the time, and truth was, I could do very little to protect him or myself.

I'm glad we left.

Hang in there, and good luck with your lawyer consultations. Ask lots of questions!