Advice Please

[JustAMum]

My 16 yr old BPD daughter is currently at boarding school. Next year for her final year she is returning home. Yesterday I told her that she can only do this if there is no self harming behaviour. I have told her that if there is that she can no longer live with me. I have made the boundaries very clear and she understands what the consequences will be. Am I doing the right thing?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi JustAMum,

You are the only one who can set boundaries for yourself and determine the rules in your home.

For me personally, if my daughter returned home from RTC or a Therapeutic Boarding School and began to cut the consequence would be to go back to the RTC or TBS.

Is the school she is in therapeutic?

[JustAMum]

No it's not therapeutic. I'm in Australia Im not sure if we even have those here. I wish we did as that would have been an alternative. She has only been in boarding school this year so that I could focus on my own recovery without the additional stress of caring for her full time. The school is only 20mins away and I see her weekly.

[lbjnltx]

I'm sorry you are even having to set such boundaries   :'(

Self injury is a very low level coping skill JustAMom.   Do you understand how it serves your daughter?  There are less harmful alternatives taught in DBT, have you discussed these alternatives with her?  Are you learning what she is learning?

Having an understanding of and being able to support your daughter in the use of her skills can be the difference between using them and not using them when she comes home.  Our greatest power as a parent is to model the skills we wish our children to use.

Does this make sense?

[JustAMum]

I have read up on it and I understand why but she does it to the extrene. She doesn't self harm all the time but when she does she slashes at her arms and legs and ends up needing stitches this has happened twice. Both times she was home alone. I'm not really learning what she's doing with her psychologist. I go in at the end of the session for a brief chat on how I think my daughter is going. I don't know what she does with her psych as i'm not involved in their sessions. My daughter is heavily scarred on her arms and legs which I find very sad.

[lbjnltx]

I have read up on it and I understand why but she does it to the extrene. She doesn't self harm all the time but when she does she slashes at her arms and legs and ends up needing stitches this has happened twice. Both times she was home alone. I'm not really learning what she's doing with her psychologist. I go in at the end of the session for a brief chat on how I think my daughter is going. I don't know what she does with her psych as i'm not involved in their sessions. My daughter is heavily scarred on her arms and legs which I find very sad.

That must be so hard for you to see.  :'(

You can learn about DBT yourself.  There are some resources here for us parents that not only educate us, they can be very beneficial to us when we practice them ourselves... .this is the ultimate form of support for our BPD kids... .modeling skills and communicating with them in their own therapeutic language.

Here is an introduction to some of the basics of DBT:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=149500.0

Here is a workshop on mindfulness, triggering and wisemind:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

There is an online resource for people to practice DBT call dbtselfhelp

Ask any questions you might have in the workshops... .we are here to help you!

[JustAMum]

Thankyou. I just read them and found them helpful.