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Author Topic: My first post after getting dumped, Please Help  (Read 692 times)
123stop

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: April 19, 2015, 03:07:16 PM »

Hi. I'm so glad I found this forum.  My BPD girlfriend dumped me just after Valentines day.  She began to split after a fallout we had back in December. Her emotional withdrawal was systematic, and I felt like I was a dead man walking for about a month. Then she completely began to devalue me, verbally abuse me and then discarded me telling me I had to move out.  I moved out on Feb 25.  As I was getting all of my stuff out she saw me getting some items outside.  Some of these things were buried under the snow.  She interrupted me and said I could leave those items until the snow melted.  I told her I could easily get them out, but she insisted I leave them until the snow melts.  I've been seeing a counselor and doing a lot of soul searching these past 2 months.  I realize I did some things that hurt her, and when I told her I couldn't be with a smoker, I think that was the point she decided to dump me first. 

I was in NC until she texted me recently to tell me the snow is gone and I should come and get my things.  We exchanged a few texts, and I told her how I had changed, because of what happened in December, when I reacted to a comment she made and said some bad things to her.  I realize how my words hurt her spirit and I read about and discussed verbal abuse with my counselor.  I told her she had opened my eyes when I realized I had hurt her with my words. I told her I was crushed to realize that my words hurt her, and I have become a better man because of it. I love her deeply, that I'm seeing a counselor, and I hope we can talk and be respectful and kind to each other. I'd still like to work things out with her.  In her text she said she was glad I was getting healthier, but no commitment to talking came from her. She'll be there when I go to get my stuff in a few days, so I really hope we can work this out.  I've been holding on to that hope since she threw me out since she was insistent  I come back for my stuff, perhaps to re-evaluate?  I've discussed this situation with my counselor, but I don't know what to expect, or really why she wanted me to come back later for my stuff. Please help.
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Mike-X
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: living apart
Posts: 669


« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2015, 10:11:13 PM »

I am sorry that you are going through this. Has she been diagnosed with BPD? What has your counselor said about contact and continuing to pursue a relationship with her?
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ogopogodude
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 513


« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2015, 02:04:55 AM »

123stop, ... . you have to ask yourself this very important question... . and it is not a trick question at all, ... . just a very basic Q and here it is:

Do you ENJOY continuously being verbally abused? 

(Notice that I didn't ask you what most people would think is the more important Q and that being: do you REALLY love this woman?  Because my 1st question is really asking you this: Do you love YOURself?  And if you do love yourself, then you would not enjoy being verbally abused).
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123stop

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2015, 06:53:19 AM »

123stop, ... . you have to ask yourself this very important question... . and it is not a trick question at all, ... . just a very basic Q and here it is:

Do you ENJOY continuously being verbally abused?  

(Notice that I didn't ask you what most people would think is the more important Q and that being: do you REALLY love this woman?  Because my 1st question is really asking you this: Do you love YOURself?  And if you do love yourself, then you would not enjoy being verbally abused).

ogoopogodude, thank you for responding.  No, absolutely not, I don't enjoy being verbally abused one bit.  I rationalized her behavior to myself by thinking that she was just really angry and to let her vent.  I did challenge her on a few of the things that she said, but things just got worse until she threw me out.  I thought that her anger was somewhat justified because there were times when I let tension in the relationship get to me, and I would allow my frustration to show.  This avalanche of verbal abuse by her was atypical, she usually doesn't act that way, furthering my sentiment that perhaps I deserved it.  However; if the shoe was ion the other foot, I would have discussed it with her and explained how I felt. I believe her emotional response and actions were immature and counterproductive to saving our relationship.
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123stop

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2015, 07:13:51 AM »

I am sorry that you are going through this. Has she been diagnosed with BPD? What has your counselor said about contact and continuing to pursue a relationship with her?

Thanks Mike-X, After describing the situation with my counselor, he indicated that based on previous interactions with me, and her previous relationships, (2 marriages, both broken) my counselor cautioned me that she is probably BPD. She doesn't have a diagnosis, at least not that she shared with me.  When I admitted that on a few occasions, I had been verbally abusive toward her, name calling, he called me out on verbal abuse.  I have since read books on the subject and discussed it with my counselor. My verbal abuse was in response to actions she made, so verbal abuse is not my typical way of interacting. Still, once I realized how it can be so damaging to one's spirit, I really did some soul searching on it and felt horrible about it. I've taken that angst to heart to identify what angers me, so I won't verbally abuse again.  My GF has a history of being traumatized by verbal abuse, so I'm sure she's hyper sensitive to it.  

As far as pursuing a relationship with her, my counselor cautioned me about that, saying that the pattern of her splitting would present over and over again, basically making my life very tough emotionally.  We agreed that I could ask her to move forward in a relationship based on mutual respect, empathy, caring, kindness and commitment. However; he had reservations about it because of her BPD symptoms.  I feel like I want to lay this out for her, to speak with her about how we could proceed in this kind of a loving relationship.  I will be making myself vulnerable to her though, and based on our last interaction 2 months ago as she was kicking me out, this thought brings me anxiety.  If she shows goodwill in listening to me and agrees to try to work it out, I will try to do so. If I'm met with indifference and the cold demeanor she showed when she threw me out however; I'm going to be gone for good. My ego may suffer for having tried, but at least I'll know that it's more about BPD than it is about me, my relationship skills, my ability to stand alone, respect myself, and to love unconditionally.
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living in the past
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 190



« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2015, 07:53:00 AM »

 Good luck to you,even if you got back together you would still be with a smoker,one of the hardest things to learn in life is how powerless we are over someones addiction,makes me think of my addiction to friend pwBPD,and that i can change,glad you posted,wish you could just go pick up your things and leave,i got discarded last week through a voicemail,because i didn"t call her back,from a message that got lost on my phone, it happens,she said she didn"t want me to return her (discard voicemail),wish i hadn"t,but i did several times trying to explain i never got the original voicemail till a week later,when i played another message,anyway she is not answering,Wow it sucks,recycle,idealize,devaule ,discard,and lets not forget replacement.
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123stop

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2015, 09:33:06 AM »

Thank you living in the past, I realize that her smoking is an issue. In the beginning I offered to help her with her smoking. I offered to pay for a hypnotist to help her quit. Her response was "I

ll quit when I'm ready"  I've encouraged her on a few occasions. She once said that when her stress goes down she'd consider quitting.  We all face stress everyday in normal life situations.  It hurts me to see her do it because my father died of lung cancer. (He was a smoker) It seems to not have made an impression on her.  

I'm very sorry to hear about how callously you were treated. It fits the profile of BPD very nicely though, doesn't it? We understand intellectually that it's not their fault because of their condition, but that knowledge doesn't do much to soothe our emotional pain.  I've found some relief in getting closer to my religion. I've prayed for my gf's (ex Gf's) spirit to heal, and mine as well. I'll include you in my prayers too.  In the end, I've decided that this BPD is something I have really no control over. No matter how skilled I or any other partner of hers was or may be, it won't  be good enough in the long run, and the same thing will happen, Idolize, devalue discard, repeat.  I have also decided that I absolutely don't need her to be happy and fulfilled in my life, and there are plenty of women out there who don't suffer from BPD.  I'm thinking happier wiser days are ahead. I will try with her, and be patient, but I also yearn to be free of it. If I can find that freedom with her through mutual respect, kindness, empathy and compassion, so be it. If not, I'm sure there are lots of nice ladies out there who would be much more fulfilling in the long run.  Peace be with you, living in the past.
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living in the past
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Friend
Posts: 190



« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2015, 10:23:55 AM »

 Thank you for your kind comforting words to me,been through a lot,thinking i was helping a friend,thanks for caring,i wish you well.
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