4 mouths out and I'm a mess.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I met my X 11 years ago at an AA meeting. Without my knowledge she took some fertility meds and got pregnant. Wanting to do the right thing, I became a full time caretaker for her and our most beautiful son. After four or five hard years, I noticed some inconsistencies and other things about her past that made me realize I has living with a stranger. We did have a second child and they are happy and healthy. The problem was that her double life continued to get bigger, more strange and unbelievable. Two years ago, I discovered I was living with a gambling addict, sex addict and a pathological liar. I tried therapy-actually I tried everything. Nothing worked. The last year the intense rage started and after several police calls, there's an Order of Protection that is in place for a year to keep her away from me and the boys. The problem is that I can't believe I lived with this person for as long as I did,  and that in the end, I allowed her to use me and my family to an insidious level. I wanted to be wrong through all this, but paid a huge price emotionally and can't really function because I am so shell shocked. I allowed this person to wipe me out. I am a shell of what I was formally. I don't know if I'll ever trust again. I am responsible for so much, but I thank my lucky star that I finally got her out. Now Im wasting my time trying to figure her out in a mass of depression. I'm so sick. 

[Fritze]

I met my X 11 years ago at an AA meeting. Without my knowledge she took some fertility meds and got pregnant. Wanting to do the right thing, I became a full time caretaker for her and our most beautiful son. After four or five hard years, I noticed some inconsistencies and other things about her past that made me realize I has living with a stranger. We did have a second child and they are happy and healthy. The problem was that her double life continued to get bigger, more strange and unbelievable. Two years ago, I discovered I was living with a gambling addict, sex addict and a pathological liar. I tried therapy-actually I tried everything. Nothing worked. The last year the intense rage started and after several police calls, there's an Order of Protection that is in place for a year to keep her away from me and the boys. The problem is that I can't believe I lived with this person for as long as I did,  and that in the end, I allowed her to use me and my family to an insidious level. I wanted to be wrong through all this, but paid a huge price emotionally and can't really function because I am so shell shocked. I allowed this person to wipe me out. I am a shell of what I was formally. I don't know if I'll ever trust again. I am responsible for so much, but I thank my lucky star that I finally got her out. Now Im wasting my time trying to figure her out in a mass of depression. I'm so sick. 

[Turkish]

Hello Fritze and

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that. Many of us end up in Caretaker roles for our spouses or significant others. When natural Rescuer traits combine with someone who suffers from traits of BPD (or another PD), we can get lost as we keep trying to make things better, often to no avail.

The double life just have come as quite a shock. It sounds like she went off the deep end being triggered, perhaps, on being "found out." If you have the OoP, how does that impact your legal custody of the boys? Have you gone to court yet? If you have any legal questions, specifically, you can post to the legal board (see here).

Now I'm wasting my time trying to figure her out in a mass of depression

We do have a lot of resources here to help you figure out what makes the BPD mind tick, so to speak. You sound like you're struggling with a lot right now, however, trying to take care of the boys. We also have resources here which can help parents like us deal with the struggle of raising kids with a PD'd parent (absent or not). I hope to hear more on how we can help support you, Fritze.

Turkish

[felix22]

Hi Fritze,

Wish things were going better for you. Glad to hear that you finally figured the situation out and made moves/took action. I am working on taking action myself. I've slowly put all the pieces together and am discovering that she isn't what I thought she was.

Check out this link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=161524.0

I recently found it posted on bpdfamily. It helps explain why some of us get lured into these relationships, and what we are seeking in them. Especially the member called '2010', whose comment is the 8th one down. Maybe it will give you some insight?

Don't be too hard on yourself. I think of it like this. Expecting honesty and fairness out of someone is normal. We don't expect that someone would be working against us. So, we got to cut ourselves some slack; after all we were just expecting the best from someone. What's so bad about that? Yet, I am not going to excuse the person's actions. For me, I have come to realize that I personally should get to know someone better before I can put my heart or life in their hands.

You say that you have two beautiful kids. It sounds like that may have been worth all the chaos. I respect that you are actively working to protect them. I also respect that you consider yourself worthy of protecting and taking care of too.

Hang in there! And thanks for sharing. Hope to see more posts from you.