Dissociation or what?

[jo19854]

Hi, i am struggling a lot because of abandment.

It's a way to long story to just put it on the board so i put it in my profile.  So before answering i kindly ask for your patience.

My question is can someone dissociate so long, maybe depressed

I have no clue what I am dealing with. And it's impossible to find the words for my pain and trauma.

It's even so bizar that i cannot even be angry at her, i just can't.

Jo

[Mike-X]

Jo,

I read your story a while back (and just re-read it), and I remember your posts about wanting to write to her. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this and deal with this pain.

There are no estimates that I am aware of on how long dissociation might last, how long someone living with BPD might keep someone painted black, etc.

Did you start running again?

[jo19854]

Hi, I did write and got no answer at all.

I don't know if I am painted black. I just don't know anything, not even if its BL.

A while ago i got some info from a specialist about the treatment, he said it can even lead into irreversable neuro damage.

I started long walks with the dog.

[Mike-X]

Hi, I did write and got no answer at all.

I don't know if I am painted black. I just don't know anything, not even if its BL.

A while ago i got some info from a specialist about the treatment, he said it can even lead into irreversable neuro damage.

I started long walks with the dog.

It is good that you are taking walks with the dog. I do the same.

Yeah, the silence can be difficult.

Assessments of treatment effectiveness seem to be quite challenging, too, because so often there is a lack of compliance. There are some that seem to be effective. It is just difficult to get the people living with BPD to accept that they have a problem and work through the treatments. Denial seems to be a big problem.

Are you seeing a therapist?

[Grey Kitty]

My suggestion is to consider that she's done this for over a year already, without any visible changes.

Imagine when it has been five years, and you still haven't heard anything from her. Would you regret waiting like this by then? If so, what would you wish you had done instead?

[jo19854]

M and GK,

I see a therapist, two actually.

One of them was on our wedding and knows the whole background and both of us personally.

They both admit this event is overwhelming and is mental cruelty on collosal scale. I go for trauma recovery therapy.

I do everything I can do for myself and it will take a long time to recover.

I don't know what will happen and its an extreme.

I can so relate to family sitting on the doorstep from an airport after a plaincrash, (the shock, the hope, the powerlesnes),  also after unexpected suicide from a loved one (the why, my part), and also when someone is missing (the how will this end, the closure)

Time is my enemy and my friend.

I am not just sitting here waiting, I am in shock and my therapy should help me to process all i am dealing with.

I talk with friends, they let me vent, that helps.

Circumstances in my case are difficult, but "Thank you for everything" and leave like this is hard to handle.

[Mike-X]

It sounds like you are doing the right things to take care of yourself. How are you feeling compared to when you first came to the boards? Do you have any thoughts on how you might achieve closure if you never hear from her again?

[Grey Kitty]

Circumstances in my case are difficult, but "Thank you for everything" and leave like this is hard to handle.

 I hear lots of backstory about this--facts, and lots about her side of things.

Can you talk more about how you feel about her treatment of you?

Have you felt abandoned like that earlier in your life?

[jo19854]

Do you have any thoughts on how you might achieve closure if you never hear from her again?

I am doing not so well, try to be not to emotional on the board, its devastating when youre abandoned. Certainly when it's sudden and with our background. Time will bring closure i hope/guess/pray, I can't force it by not loving her. I simply do.

[jo19854]

 

Can you talk more about how you feel about her treatment of you?

Have you felt abandoned like that earlier in your life?

Her treatment of me is so cruel but so bizar. I just can't get angry.

Considering the circumstances it can be way over her head. I am not going to blame a person who lost her mind for doing that on purpose.

I love her anyway. I will not wait, nor speed up things. It's the way it is at this moment and i cannot do anything about that.

I have never felt nor been abandond in my life, had a good childhood, and my parents are great, still are.

Its bizar, the whole thing.

But to tell the truth, i go to bed, cry, have nightmares, wake up shaking, cry, try to pick up the pieces and try to get (or do my best) a hold of myself.

[Grey Kitty]

For me, moving forward in my life doesn't mean that I'm stopping loving my wife, or that I don't enjoy her company, or even that I wouldn't like to have a (hypothetical but not possible) life with her.

It means accepting that my life isn't going to be that way. I know I'll always love my wife. I'm pretty sure I'll never be in a romantic r/s with her again.

In my case, she has been communicating with me, and has given me some reasons, which is very different than your situation. I'm limiting contact with her, so I can heal and make room for other things and people in my life. I'm hoping this will be temporary and I'll be able to be closer friends with her someday in the future.

Honestly... .in your shoes... .I don't know that I'd be able to ever trust your wife again after the way she treated you upon leaving. I would probably find myself wondering when she would do it again... .doubting, and worrying, if she did come back. Because it sounds like if there are problems, she can't discuss them with you and give you space to change things, fix the problems, or at least negotiate something--all she can do is stuff them until they get too big, and then run away.

[jo19854]

Because it sounds like if there are problems, she can't discuss them with you and give you space to change things, fix the problems, or at least negotiate something--all she can do is stuff them until they get too big, and then run away.

So true, and it all has to do with trust. Her problem is lack of trust as a result from childhood abuse and neglect. The result is that feelings are stacked away. She is dealing with unresolved trauma.

It piles up. Add homesickness, maybe emotionl blackm , and guilt and it's a recepy for depression. Then fleeing.

The real issues are only solved for a while,  not in another relationship, but burrying in kids.

One of my biggest problems is having no info at all. Any kind of  message can help to find closure, but no info and hiding can mean everything.

I am trying to prevent further development of trauma.

Some say "why just not travel and confront". Why did it take some WW2soldiars 20 years to go back to the batlleground. It was too much. so is it for me I just can't go there, its too much. Beside the fact its unknown what it will bring.

Even my counselor underestimates the impact of this event. But enough of my sobbing.

If she wants to be with me, i will give it a try, and one thing i know, ive learned a lot from this.

And i believe this was a pile up of so many things. Well, see only guessing.

[Grey Kitty]

Because it sounds like if there are problems, she can't discuss them with you and give you space to change things, fix the problems, or at least negotiate something--all she can do is stuff them until they get too big, and then run away.

So true, and it all has to do with trust. Her problem is lack of trust as a result from childhood abuse and neglect. The result is that feelings are stacked away. She is dealing with unresolved trauma.

It piles up. Add homesickness, maybe emotionl blackm , and guilt and it's a recepy for depression. Then fleeing.

The real issues are only solved for a while,  not in another relationship, but burrying in kids.

One of my biggest problems is having no info at all. Any kind of  message can help to find closure, but no info and hiding can mean everything.

I'm not saying she doesn't care about you--I cannot read her mind, I only know the actions you have described. I believe she has childhood injuries, however she is an adult now, and chooses her actions.

You say that any kind of message could give you closure. Well... .she either doesn't CARE enough to give you that, or she is so messed up that she is INCAPABLE.

Her actions are perfectly clear. She isn't willing and able to send you even a one sentence email in over a year!

Whether it is her fault or not... .she shows clearly that she isn't capable of being in a healthy relationship with you.

Whether she intended to hurt you like this... .whether she didn't intend to and feels horribly guilty about it... .whether she is somehow clueless and doesn't understand that she hurt you... .any way you slice it, I don't see how you could trust her again.

 This just sounds so tough on you, man.

[Mike-X]

 

Can you talk more about how you feel about her treatment of you?

Have you felt abandoned like that earlier in your life?

Her treatment of me is so cruel but so bizar. I just can't get angry.

Considering the circumstances it can be way over her head. I am not going to blame a person who lost her mind for doing that on purpose.

I love her anyway. I will not wait, nor speed up things. It's the way it is at this moment and i cannot do anything about that.

I have never felt nor been abandond in my life, had a good childhood, and my parents are great, still are.

Its bizar, the whole thing.

But to tell the truth, i go to bed, cry, have nightmares, wake up shaking, cry, try to pick up the pieces and try to get (or do my best) a hold of myself.

I feel similarly. My udxGF has suffered so much - childhood neglect, abandonment, and physical abuse and abuse by ex-spouses. I can't be made at her. I really feel sorry for her and hope that she finds help and peace.

It is ok to grieve the loss of someone you loved and a relationship you enjoyed.