Possible NPD Stepmother

[cleotokos]

I've known for some years my mom is probably uBPD. But just recently, I'm realizing my stepmother may be a covert N. I've been LC with her for the last 3 years or so. Recently I've been forced back into contact due to my dad's failing health - he recently suffered a stroke, and his blood pressure remains high. My dad is very sensitive, and over the last 3 years he would say things like "I wish you and Nstepmom could reconcile" after I've repeatedly told him I'd prefer to stay away from her as much as possible. He knows exactly why, and agrees that she didn't treat me right as a child. She's never apologized or acknowledged that I was treated differently or poorly. To me there's nothing TO reconcile - she and I never had any sort of affectionate or loving relationship, she tolerated me and I tried to earn her love and respect. 3 years ago I realized I would never earn it and called it quits. I'm quite at peace with my decision, but my dad seems to be "stressed" about it. I don't know for sure but I suspect that she pushes him to make me "get over" whatever my issues are and makes him feel responsible for bringing me back into the family. She's incapable of ever being wrong so expects everyone else to pretend that they've done wrong whenever she says they have. She has two children of her own and growing up I reasoned that the lack of love from her must be because I was not biologically hers. Now, I've come to see her children were the golden children and my brother and I were the scapegoat and lost child. Before I knew much about dysfunctional families I knew that there was a heirarchy among us children that felt unfair and weird, and that's one reason I decided to go LC - I just don't want to be a participant in that anymore as she perpetuates it to this day. I don't want to come to Christmas etc. I don't want to be around her and I don't want to be in that family dynamic.

So recently my dad has been trying to throw Nstepmom and I together, ie. surprise inviting her to a lunch I thought was just he and I. She is very jealous and doesn't like him to have relationships with anyone unless she's involved. Especially me - she seems to have always been particularly threatened by my dad's relationship with me. What ensued after my refusal was just... .disturbing. My dad was not happy when I refused to come to the lunch with Nstepmom, claimed this was "tearing him apart" and bad for his health (nice guilt trip dad, thanks). Then Nstepmom started texting me. She always sounds reasonable in the beginning, but she degrades quite quickly if I don't admit to the sins she attributes to me. She basically said I "suddenly demanded" through my dad that she and I not be in contact. I said to her does that make sense, "no contact" between she and I is not something you can "demand" from a third party, such as my dad. It is an action that I told my dad I was going to take, not something I demanded of anyone else. She furthermore said that I was manipulating the situation "to get whatever how you want it". Clearly she feels her rights have been violated by me preferring not to come to family dinners etc. I actually haven't been invited to any in the last 3 years but I suppose that is beside the point. She claimed that I over the last 3 years have gone on emotional diatribes where I vent to my dad about my feelings about her. This is pure fantasy on her part and a theme that has come up in the past. She accuses me of basically talking dirty about her behind her back, calls me dishonest when I say I haven't, and I am supposed to pretend I did this and I guess apologize? So this time I said well why don't you, me and my dad get together and work out where this is coming from, because Nstepmother the story you're telling me is not anything that was said to my dad. Just like I KNEW she would she declined, giving two reasons 1. that my dad's blood pressure is not stable and it would be too stressful, and 2. that my "on and off contact" over the last 3 years has "consequences". Consequences? But two days before she wanted to crash me and my dad's lunch. She expected to come along and nobody says a word about anything she's said or done. If it looks like she might have to take some ownership, she throws a fit. This is the exact reason I want to stay away - I'm sick of everyone pretending things are just hunky dory. I'm not asking anyone to do anything, like demanding that my dad hold her responsible for things. I'm only declining to participate. She also said I wanted to "rehash our texts" with him - going along with the theme that I'm living in the past, I'm petty, etc. I have no interest in rehashing any texts, only why she has this idea I've said things I never said.

Anyways during the conversation she kept saying my dad felt "scapegoated". I asked how and she said by being forced to listen to your emotional rants (never happened even once!). I told her I don't think scapegoated is the word she means to use for my dad as a scapegoat is someone who gets blamed for everything. My dad has said before that he feels stuck in the middle. I just say to him well who is it that's asking you to choose between us? I've certainly never asked him to do anything but allow me to remove MYSELF from the situation. I was very struck by the projection or freudian slip or whatever - scapegoating is what the two of them are doing to me, but trying to make it out like I'm bullying them. What hurts the most is that my dad's always known my Nstepmom was "off" and doesn't treat me right. He's always agreed with this. But since the stroke, he's been very insulting to me saying I need to get over my "childhood issues" etc. He's going along with this fantasy that I've been emotional and ranting about her. It's really effing sick. He's had brain damage from the stroke and he's very dependent on her. I think he's AFRAID he has to do what she wants - reject me and scapegoat me. It's what she's always wanted him to do - choose her over me. I told him I understand his situation right now and that he's very dependent on her. Even though I was really hurt and angry that I'm being made out to be someone who has "emotional baggage" and "can't get over the past" etc. I'm so angry about it. I feel almost as if it's a smear campaign against me, and he's participating.

She also tried to make me feel responsible for his high blood pressure and stroke - saying the number one thing that's been stressing him out the last 3 years and contributing to high bp was me talking to him about her! Haha! I think in truth, he's probably been quite sad that I don't come to Christmas and that I can't be around his wife. He hasn't realized that what he wishes for, never was. She's such an egomaniac that she thinks my imaginary venting about HER has crippled him. It's allllll about her. She then went on to tell me how close they've been since the stroke and that he told her he never wants to lose her. That's nice, I don't really care. I think she thinks I would be jealous of this like she is jealous of my relationship with him.

She's never explicitly said it to me but I've always felt that Nstepmom thought I was undeserving of her respect and love. This continues into today in the way she speaks to me and her general attitude. I can't recall her exact words but several years back she acted like it was a favour she'd done me to allow me to be part of the family. I've accepted that I will never have her respect and love, and I don't want to be around someone who calls me a liar, tries to make me feel like I'm bullying them, etc. But in her eyes I'm deserving of this, I should just accept it and not criticize her, give her rides when she needs them, come to family dinners so SHE feels like everything's great. I think my being absent makes them feel a bit like they may have gone wrong somewhere. They don't care if I'm happy, as long as I'm present so they can keep up the "happy family" charade.

I feel and always have felt that my dad is a victim of her. He enables her but I have a lot of compassion for him. I know he has a terrible, terrible fear of abandonment and being alone. I understand because I'm a bit like that myself - but not to his extreme. He always seems guilty that he's with her because he knows how she's treated me and I try and not make him feel judged. I never bring her up, he does. But I'm really, really angry about what's going on now. Why is she "charming"* me now? I want to know his role in it, what has he said to her - but I've been made to feel I can't bring it up with him or he'll have a stroke from the stress. It sounds ridiculous and I know it's a tactic to silence me and ensure my dad and I don't "compare notes" on what she's said. God the woman is sick. I'm also afraid if I say anything to him it's going to be chalked up to my "emotional baggage", further smearing me in their minds. But I'm sick of the dysfunction of nobody talking about things. My dad said to me "you're choosing to act like your uBPD mother, which saddens me". I'm disgusted he would say this to me! I told him that was a low blow. When I was a child it was my dad who saved me from my uBPDmom by telling me I wasn't crazy and it wasn't my fault. I put my dad on such a pedestal. He was always so loving and kind to me. So these accusations coming from him are a shock and quite unlike him. And I know who's pulling the strings. She's taking advantage of his current state. I wonder if her goal is just to cause friction between us, to make me think he said these things and be mad at him for it - then I can be cut out of the family because I "stress" him too much with my "childhood issues" and anger. Is she that evil?

The irony is, living with uBPDmom, my dad and his family seemed "normal" to me. I always desperately wanted to be a part of that family, but never really felt I was. I spent a lot of time trying to earn the love and respect and place in the family my stepsister and half brother have. I finally realized the system is rigged and there's nothing I can do. So I don't want to play her game anymore. She feels entitled to treat me like crap and be nasty and she actually thinks her rights are being violated here.

I don't know how to go forward with my dad. I'm seeing him next week and I would like to do something along the lines of asking him if he feels he is being abused by me. I want to ask him if he's really said anything that would make Nstepmom think that I ranted about her and asked him to tell her everything I said, as she claims. If she tries to join us, I think I will say "oh so you are ready and willing to discuss the things you claim my dad told you about me?" I know she is not and she wants it to be on her terms - nobody discusses her lies and manipulations.

*Bizarrely, this word is getting corrected to charming? What I typed was the term named after a vacuum cleaner, wherein a PD'd person tries to suck you back into their web... .like hovering with an extra 'o'

[Kwamina]

Hi cleotokos

I've known for some years my mom is probably uBPD. But just recently, I'm realizing my stepmother may be a covert N. I've been LC with her for the last 3 years or so. Recently I've been forced back into contact due to my dad's failing health - he recently suffered a stroke, and his blood pressure remains high.

I am very sorry to hear your dad has suffered a stroke. I hope he'll be able to recover. The situation you describe with your stepmother sounds very stressful and frustrating. Her behavior is concerning indeed.

You also mention your stepmother having two children of her own. Looking back now you feel like they were treated as the 'golden children'. Do you still have a relationship with these two children of your stepmother? If you do, how would you describe those relationships?

You also mention your brother and you being the scapegoat and lost child. How is your brother dealing with the current situation and how is your relationship with him?

I don't know how to go forward with my dad. I'm seeing him next week and I would like to do something along the lines of asking him if he feels he is being abused by me. I want to ask him if he's really said anything that would make Nstepmom think that I ranted about her and asked him to tell her everything I said, as she claims. If she tries to join us, I think I will say "oh so you are ready and willing to discuss the things you claim my dad told you about me?" I know she is not and she wants it to be on her terms - nobody discusses her lies and manipulations.

A few days have passed since you posted this. How are you feeling now?

The family dynamics you have described in this post are concerning and difficult to deal with. Given these circumstances I understand why you would go LC to protect your own well-being. Perhaps it can help you to take a look at some articles we have here about the dynamics of 'dysfunctional' relationships. This could perhaps lead you to knew insights about what's going on in your family:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle: Our Dysfunctional Roles with Others

Here are some excerpts:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel like fear, obligation and/or guilt are tools your stepmother uses to try and control you? Do you perhaps feel like your father is also applying these tools with you?

Whenever we refuse to take responsibility for ourselves, we are unconsciously choosing to react as victim. This inevitably creates feelings of anger, fear, guilt or inadequacy and leaves us feeling betrayed, or taken advantage of by others.

Victim-hood can be defined by the three positions beautifully outlined in a diagram developed by a well respected psychiatrist, and teacher of Transactional Analysis, named Stephen Karpman. He calls it the “drama triangle”, I will refer to it as the victim triangle. Having discovered this resource some thirty years ago, it has become one of the more important tools in my personal and professional life. The more I teach and apply the victim triangle to relationship the deeper my appreciation grows for this simple, powerfully accurate instrument.

I’ve sometimes referred to the victim triangle as a "shame generator" because through it we unconsciously re-enact painful life themes that create shame. This has the effect of reinforcing old, painful beliefs that keep us stuck in a limited version of reality.

... .

The three roles on the victim triangle are Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and described them as being the three aspects, or faces of victim. No matter where we may start out on the triangle, victim is where we end up, therefore no matter what role we’re in on the triangle, we’re in victimhood. If we’re on the triangle we’re living as victims, plain and simple!

Each person has a primary or most familiar role - what I call their “starting gate” position. This is the place from which we generally enter, or “get hooked” onto, the triangle. We first learn our starting gate position in our family of origin. Although we each have a role with which we most identify, once we’re on the triangle, we automatically rotate through all the positions, going completely around the triangle, sometimes in a matter of minutes, or even seconds, many times every day.

When you look at these roles (persecutor, rescuer and victim), can you recognize them in your own family? Would you say that your stepmother and possibly your father too are trying to push you into a certain role?

[cleotokos]

Thank you for responding Kwamina. The doctor said my dad can improve for up to a year, so there is hope he'll be able to do things like drive and ride a bike again. Hopefully the memory impairment is not permanent. But I worry that he's so depressed right now that he doesn't do his memory exercises or physical exercises.

You also mention your stepmother having two children of her own. Looking back now you feel like they were treated as the 'golden children'. Do you still have a relationship with these two children of your stepmother? If you do, how would you describe those relationships?

My stepsister and I were always close during our childhoods. I was 4 and she was 3 when our parents got together. But I find it hard to talk to her about any of this because her mother obviously treats her completely differently than she treats me, and also I don't want her to feel like she has to be in the middle and make a choice between anyone. Reading up on GC's though I see that it's not always as rosy as it may seem from the outside and I know that she's had to struggle with a lot of manipulation from her mother. We never really talk about her issues with her mom, I don't know how she feels about things like that. I think she may feel like she'd be giving the "inside dirt" to an enemy of her mother or something. Most recently at my stepsister's baby shower I witnessed Nstepmother trying to get herself invited to my stepsisters' new inlaws for Christmas. My stepmother always has a lot of issues around Christmas. She seems to get very upset if my stepsister has to go to her boyfriends' or husbands' Christmases (thinking back through various boyfriends over the years). A few times my stepsister has spent Christmas Eve one place and Christmas Day another, I mean what more can you do to make everyone happy in such a situation? My stepmom wants everyone to be together at Christmas, but she also acts put out and taken advantage of if she ever has to have Christmas at her house. She's made me and I believe my stepsister as well feel as if we "owe" for attending such family functions, another reason I just prefer not to participate. Anyways I didn't mention this to my stepsister but I know it had to drive her nuts that her mom was going behind her back trying to arrange a group Christmas with these people she hardly knows.

In the past I have talked to my stepsister about my interactions with her mom and I've felt she was sensitive and understanding and often agreed with me. I've certainly talked to her about things far more than I've ever said to my dad. Our parents have been together over 30 years but only just got married in 2008. Nstepmother moved the wedding date to a time when I was out of town just a few weeks before. In protest my stepsister didn't attend their wedding either. I hate that she has to do something like that! But I feel she's seen the inequality, but has a lot more compassion for her mother than I do because well... .she's actually been shown love and affection. But that kind of thing has to strain her and her mother's relationship, and cause problems. Now I don't really discuss her mother with her as I don't want her to be in the middle. And I've been LC with her, so there's really been nothing to say until recently.

My half brother, the other GC, has Aspergers Syndrome. Nstepmother went to school and got a paid job where she can take care of him full time. I have no clue how she swung that. She works for an organization that is paid by the government to be his caretaker. I feel she's isolated him from his family and society. His disorder is made out to be so much bigger than it is. This has been going on since I was so young though, I don't even know when I realized things weren't right, and I don't really know what can be done. He's 31 years old and set in his ways, he's been spoiled and indulged. He was never disciplined as a child, always with the excuse that he can't help his behaviour because of his disorder. He was never especially bratty or troublesome but he has never had certain expectations about how you talk to or treat others. He's been denied so many things - my dad and stepmom wouldn't let him get a job bagging groceries as a teen as it was too "demeaning". (Working was on the recommendation of professionals to give him social interaction, self esteem, etc). But it was fine for me at 16 to work at McDonald's and to be forced to pay my parents for taking care of me.

It's my feeling that relationships with GC half brother and other family members have been sabotaged, and any and all information goes through Nstepmother. My dad has agreed with me that the situation of Nstepmother being his daily caregiver is not in his best interests, but I don't think he's interested in doing anything about it. I truly feel that she doesn't care what happens to him after my dad and she are gone. She's done nothing but create a monster for whoever comes after her to deal with. As I mentioned I haven't been invited to any family events for a few years, but I was invited to half-brother's most recent birthday dinner. He had said he missed the family all being together, I don't know if he asked specifically for me. At these dinners nobody tries to make conversation with him except for me. My stepsister does occasionally if she wants to impress outsiders like a new boyfriend or inlaws, make everything seem "normal" I guess. But she's usually got no interest in him. I don't even know the details of how badly her relationship with him has been sabotaged, I'm not blaming her for this. God only knows what went on.

How is your brother dealing with the current situation and how is your relationship with him?

My other brother, in true scapegoat fashion, has struggled a lot with drug addiction. I have no relationship with him currently due to events several years ago, and the fact that he keeps putting himself in situations where he knows (or should know by now) that he will relapse. He was the scapegoat in the family of my dad/stepmother as well as my mother/stepfather so he's gotten the worst of it. He talks to my dad but my stepmother wants nothing to do with him at this point. I can't blame her for that considering what he's done, but there is no ownership from them on helping to create his current situation - it's all my "crazy mother's" fault as far as they're concerned. He's only a year older than my half-brother and was treated as a playmate (half-brother's only playmate) when they were kids. My brother and I have been treated like tools when we have some use to Nstepmother. As soon as my brother started to have mental illness and drug struggles, my half-brother turned his back on him and has not wanted anything to do with him since. Yes, this kind of black-and-white thinking can be a part of Asperger's, but I don't believe that there are any conversations about having compassion, how to be in relationships of various types with others, etc. Like everything half-brother does or says goes unquestioned, unchallenged because "he has Asperger's" and that's just how he is.

A few days have passed since you posted this. How are you feeling now?

I think about it a lot. I don't know what to say to my dad to get him to understand where I'm coming from and that I have a right not to want to be around Nstepmother. And it doesn't make me irrational, overemotional, having "emotional baggage" or suffering from "childhood issues" that I am somehow at fault for not "getting over it". I get very angry when I think about Nstepmother's attitude during our conversation. I get very angry when I think about my own father's attitude towards me recently. I'm about ready to give up on him, which is exactly what Nstepmother wants.

Do you feel like fear, obligation and/or guilt are tools your stepmother uses to try and control you? Do you perhaps feel like your father is also applying these tools with you?

I absolutely do, particularly with them mentioning his stress and the stroke. It's a guilt trip plain and simple. I'd better shut up and take it, or else my dad is at risk because he's a "walking stroke", as Nstepmother said. Any amount of stress can take him down. They are trying to make me feel obligated to "participate in the family", as I see it. I think I mentioned when she started blabbering on about family estrangement, I mentioned the granddaugther they've had no contact with in years (SG brother's 4 year old girl). It kills me that her grandparents show no interest. These people don't care about family. I think my dad does deep down, but she became an inconvenience for my stepmother so she no longer exists to them. She was cute and fun until her dad started acting up, and by proxy while eliminating him from their life, they eliminated her too (she lives with her other grandparents and has no contact with her dad either). Anyways she was not interested in talking about that at all. That just tells me that my feelings are of no concern to her. She feels no obligation to have a family situation where everybody feels comfortable and included, and everybody is respected. And because I don't go along with it, because I don't feel comfortable and respected, because my niece is being excluded, I am being controlling of the family. Yes, I'd say that's an attempt to use obligation to manipulate.

When you look at these roles (persecutor, rescuer and victim), can you recognize them in your own family? Would you say that your stepmother and possibly your father too are trying to push you into a certain role?

I tried to look up "triangulation" because I didn't really know what it was but thought it might be what was happening with my stepmother telling me these things my dad said, but not wanting the 3 of us to discuss it together. I somehow landed on the Karpman Triangle and tried to apply it to this situation but have found it hard to "get it". I do feel that Nstepmother views me (or at least claims to view me) as a persecutor. I feel like a victim for sure. And yes in the past, when she's "persecuted" me I reacted emotionally and "persecuted" her right back! I didn't want to do that this time so I tried to keep logical and unemotional about the whole thing (probably in large part because I'd just been accused of acting like uBPDmom). I made a conscious decision that although I felt she was addressing me disrespectfully, I was not going to do the same. I suppose that would leave my dad as the rescuer. However he's not ever stood up for me where it comes to my stepmother, that I recall. If he ever did when it was just the two of them, I don't know - I would doubt it. So I'm not sure in what ways he's "rescued" me. Lately with the things she's said I almost feel that he may have been stirring the pot all along, if he's really been going back to her and telling her I've said ANYTHING at all. I can't imagine why he would do that. He's a very conflict-avoidant person. But lately I've felt that he's in the role of persecutor along with her. And am I supposed to "rescue" them by pretending everything's fine and participating in the family again?

On the topic of them needing to be rescued, yes I feel Nstepmother views herself and my father as victims. I've almost felt like they have been parentifying me in some way - ascribing me all this power and cruelty, and saying my dad is the scapegoat - it really makes me wonder if one or both of them are re-enacting their own pasts. Which is quite ironic given that I'm supposedly the one not "over" my childhood. Nstepmother did mention that both her and my dad had estrangement in their FOO's that they didn't want to have in this family. It's like they want a united family but they don't know how to have that. I started to explain in regards to my niece something that contributed to me being absent but it wasn't up for debate. I'm wrong, I'm bad, I'm the problem and they have no obligation to do or change anything. From Nstepmother's side, I think it's just for her ego - me choosing to be away reflects poorly on her and my dad or something. Maybe my stepsister's new inlaws have noticed things aren't quite right (or Nstepmother fears they will soon notice) and wonder why she has a stepbrother and stepsister who are never around. When I went to see my stepsister's new baby her two sisters in law were there and were going on about how wonderful Nstepmother is. Ick. Anyways I'm kind of feeling like this LC feels like a rejection to Nstepmother (which it is) that perhaps stings due to something (or someone) as a child that she wasn't able to control. Who really knows. Whatever is going on, I can't accept being made to pay for these issues which I think are theirs to work out. I just don't know how to go about extricating myself from the whole thing. I don't know what to say to make myself more comfortable, that won't make things worse. And not saying anything doesn't feel like an option, as the whole family dynamic has been dependent on people not talking to each other and that's what lets others get away with this sort of nasty behaviour. I just can't do it anymore.

At this point I'm so disgusted with Nstepmother that I would prefer that I NEVER see or speak to her again. She pretended she wanted to work things out but just used that as an excuse to insult me and berate me. And this has happened before, and I'm supposed to just not say anything to anybody, not be upset, and come to Christmas and make superficial small talk with her. Because in her eyes this is the treatment I deserve and I have no right to be upset about being treated this way. Or alternatively, I am supposed to be upset and take it out on my dad so our relationship breaks down. I truly think she would be happy about that.

As I said I feel like NOT saying anything to my dad and pretending it's fine is no longer an option. I can't do that anymore. But I don't know what I SHOULD do or say. My dad may very well say that he never said any of these things to Nstepmom, but at this point I'm not sure I'd believe him after all she's said to me about him "going along" with the way I "had to have it". Ordinarily I would believe him, but with his recent attitude towards me I'm just not sure anymore.

[Naughty Nibbler]

cleotokos:

Thought I'd share some thoughts regarding your dad's blood pressure.  My parents both passed recently, but their cause of death wasn't due to high blood pressure.  They both had high blood pressure issues for many years, and were on various meds.  I think the key for successful BP management was that they had a BP monitor in their home and took daily readings.  They would keep regular visits with their cardiologist and consult with him, whenever their meds quit working for some reason.  There were many adjustments through the years regarding dosages, type of meds and time and frequency of administration of the meds.

If you dad isn't monitoring his own BP from home on a regular basis (and for various times during the day), you might convince him to do so. Don't accept any blame from you stepmom.  My parents both had periodic issues with their BP going high during a consistent time period of the day.

[cleotokos]

Naughty Nibbler, thanks, I will check that out! I'm not sure if he has a monitor for home use but I will ask him. If he doesn't have one I'm going to get one for him.

Now that I think about it, while he was still in the hospital the doctors couldn't figure out why his BP would not go down - this is the time that *allegedly* he thought Nstepmother and I had worked things out so his stress should have been eradicated. But his BP stayed up for weeks and weeks. Her claim was he thought family had "come together" because of his illness. I think the truth is she thought I had forgotten all about why I was mad at her (that's not really even the right word... .it's not like it's something an apology could ever begin to fix). Now she's mad that there are consequences for how she treats people.