Hello

[Irish Pride]

I don't even know where to start.

I broke up with my SO almost 6 months ago. We had been in an off and on relationship for over a year and a half. Our last reconciliation occurred back in June of '14. She actually was the one to recommend counseling, but backed out of it, initially. So, I went by myself. I kept almost every email/text we ever sent to each other. Why? Because it was proof of things she had said/done which, later on, she'd either deny or say I "took out of context". Long story short, after reading through some of the emails and texts, the counselor suggested she may have BPD. After doing some research on it (not enough, as it turned out), I came to the same conclusion. It all fit. However, we wound up back together until I finally ended it in November of '14.

That was almost 6 months ago and it still hurts. I've been doing a LOT more reading about it, how to cope, etc. It's really hard to talk about with my family/friends, because I just don't think they understand. They're more of the "move on... .there's more fish in the sea" types and, while I usually am that type, this one has been ESPECIALLY hard. I don't know if I'm allowed to do this, but I read this last night and it's really kind of helped steer me in the right direction . This article just about summed me, and my previous relationship, up. Of course, this helped too https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm.

I guess what I'm here for is to start the detachment. Like I said, it's hard to talk with family/friends about this. They just don't understand the damage, the intensity, of what this relationship did to me. I guess I'm at the "self-inquiry" stage.

I thought I was "over her" until I received an email from her about 3 weeks ago. She finally dropped the rest of my stuff off to me that had been at her apartment for months and that I had asked for. We bantered back and forth for a bit and that was it. Or so I thought. About 11 days ago, I got another email from her. More back and forth, but, luckily, I haven't heard from her in over a week. But, all the emotions, all the pain, the want, etc., came crashing back... .like I was hit by a locomotive. I just want to be done with this. Any, and all, advice is welcome.

Thank you for listening.

~N

[McGahee21]

poke her and never talk to her again .  j/k

im in nc day 11, its hard man.  i think what helps me is to remember i am a grown man, and that doesnt mean you dont acknowledge emotions, but you have to kinda say ef it and move on.  realize men dont need anyone, little boys do and its her loss.  you got to get your swagger back.  i go to the gym a lot and talk to other girls and hang out with my boys, it helps.  its friday, you should go out man.

best/mcgahee21

[shatterd]

im new to this sort of also  8years back n forth   grrrr    i struggle also almost 2weeks no contact    i think u need to make the decsion to let go or to hold on    sounds to familar to me   thats theres hope  she musta ben special   however  like me   i have say ef it and let go  move on move foward   let happn what happns   u gota do you now   painfull yes fair no  but we have to do it to survive and be ok again   this is a good place to be for this       staff and chat are great   

[Mutt]

Hi Irish Pride,



I'm sorry to hear that. A relationship break-up with a person with BPD is painful, chaotic and confusing. I can relate.

It's really hard to talk about with my family/friends, because I just don't think they understand.

I think that you have to have a r/s with a person with a personality disorder to understand the person's experience. Members have similar experiences and can relate.

I thought I was "over her" until I received an email from her about 3 weeks ago.

The r/s and the emotional roller coaster can leave us profoundly confused.

It helps to talk.

[Dunder]

I don't even know where to start.

I broke up with my SO almost 6 months ago. We had been in an off and on relationship for over a year and a half. Our last reconciliation occurred back in June of '14. She actually was the one to recommend counseling, but backed out of it, initially. So, I went by myself. I kept almost every email/text we ever sent to each other. Why? Because it was proof of things she had said/done which, later on, she'd either deny or say I "took out of context". Long story short, after reading through some of the emails and texts, the counselor suggested she may have BPD. After doing some research on it (not enough, as it turned out), I came to the same conclusion. It all fit. However, we wound up back together until I finally ended it in November of '14.

That was almost 6 months ago and it still hurts. I've been doing a LOT more reading about it, how to cope, etc. It's really hard to talk about with my family/friends, because I just don't think they understand. They're more of the "move on... .there's more fish in the sea" types and, while I usually am that type, this one has been ESPECIALLY hard. I don't know if I'm allowed to do this, but I read this last night and it's really kind of helped steer me in the right direction. This article just about summed me, and my previous relationship, up. https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm.

I guess what I'm here for is to start the detachment. Like I said, it's hard to talk with family/friends about this. They just don't understand the damage, the intensity, of what this relationship did to me. I guess I'm at the "self-inquiry" stage.

I thought I was "over her" until I received an email from her about 3 weeks ago. She finally dropped the rest of my stuff off to me that had been at her apartment for months and that I had asked for. We bantered back and forth for a bit and that was it. Or so I thought. About 11 days ago, I got another email from her. More back and forth, but, luckily, I haven't heard from her in over a week. But, all the emotions, all the pain, the want, etc., came crashing back... .like I was hit by a locomotive. I just want to be done with this. Any, and all, advice is welcome.

Thank you for listening.

~N

IrishPride:

What has helped me was learning as much as I could about the disorder, studying it, and understanding the various stages that occur between a borderline and a non-borderline; all that information is at this website, plus the personal stories of those that post to this message board really helped me see common patterns of behavior.  Getting my head around the key components of the interpersonal dynamics has helped me a lot as well.

From speaking with psychologists and reading the literature, my understanding is that Borderlines are very good at studying other people even if they are emotionally underdeveloped. They can be quite astute at understanding your vulnerabilities and insecurities and then exploiting them when they themselves feel threatened, anxious or fearful. Much of their psychology is paradoxical; they read people well in some respects but have difficulty tracking people emotionally; they often lack empathy, and process life events in ways that seem to Non-Borderlines to be inappropriate, extreme and distorted. They tend to demand an enormous amount of empathy and emotional support but often can't provide any of that same empathy and support to their partners.

The difficulty you are having in detaching from the relationship is why this message board exists; it's a very common and insidious problem. My belief is that it all stems from the first stage of the relationship when the pwBPD idealizes their partner. It was very seductive for me; she made me feel so special so it's particularly difficult to accept that such adoration was the product of a disordered mind. But it was.  (I should feel special all by myself but perhaps not quite that special) It's intoxicating but just like an intoxicant, it's a distortion, and it feeds the ego. When left unchecked, the ego is very destructive to the self.  We always want to go back to that wonderful first stage in the relationship, but it's not recoverable because it wasn't real. It wasn't so wonderful either because it set the table for a painful fall. We want to believe the good stuff and dismiss only the bad stuff as the disorder, but we have to accept the entire package. In my case, I wasn't the best person who ever entered her life (which she told me), nor the cruelest person who ever came into her life (which she told me).

One piece of advice that has really helped me a lot is to judge a pwBPD not by their words but by their actions. I tended to put more value in her words than her actions because her words tended to be much more pleasant than her actions, but it was her actions/behavior (promiscuity/lack of empathy/manipulation/tirades/deception) that gave me a better understanding of the pain that my relationship with her would entail. Ultimately I made a judgment that the amount of pain exceeded the pleasure even if the pleasurable moments bordered at times on the paradisiacal.  Usually the pain felt equally extreme.  

Although it's hard for me sometimes to accept, I need to remind myself that my EX has a mental illness and that she deserves my compassion as well as my understanding. I try to resist the urge to demonize her; I would no sooner demonize someone with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder than I would someone with BPD. It's difficult to resist because I often feel like I was her victim, that she preyed upon me, but in my more reflective moments I realize that she has suffered in this life even more than I did during our 8 month relationship. I will protect myself by never returning to the relationship and maintaining zero contact with her, but I hope someday she receives treatment and overcomes what has to be a very painful psychological condition. However, as her EX, I cannot help her so the most compassionate thing for me to do is leave her alone.

You will get over this, but it will take more time than the usual break-up. It seems to me that Borderlines engage us in an area of our psyche that can be extremely deep and personal. I think part of this is due to the Borderline's keen perception of what makes us tick.  Their lack of empathy allows them to attack Non-BPs at that level of vulnerability; you hear a lot of people on this board talking about how callous many of their interactions with pwBPD were. But another thing that made this difficult for me is that none of my feelings ever got validated so I left the relationship without any sense of closure, as if she were a complete stranger at the end.

[Irish Pride]

I don't even know where to start.

I broke up with my SO almost 6 months ago. We had been in an off and on relationship for over a year and a half. Our last reconciliation occurred back in June of '14. She actually was the one to recommend counseling, but backed out of it, initially. So, I went by myself. I kept almost every email/text we ever sent to each other. Why? Because it was proof of things she had said/done which, later on, she'd either deny or say I "took out of context". Long story short, after reading through some of the emails and texts, the counselor suggested she may have BPD. After doing some research on it (not enough, as it turned out), I came to the same conclusion. It all fit. However, we wound up back together until I finally ended it in November of '14.

That was almost 6 months ago and it still hurts. I've been doing a LOT more reading about it, how to cope, etc. It's really hard to talk about with my family/friends, because I just don't think they understand. They're more of the "move on... .there's more fish in the sea" types and, while I usually am that type, this one has been ESPECIALLY hard. I don't know if I'm allowed to do this, but I read this last night and it's really kind of helped steer me in the right direction. This article just about summed me, and my previous relationship, up. https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm.

I guess what I'm here for is to start the detachment. Like I said, it's hard to talk with family/friends about this. They just don't understand the damage, the intensity, of what this relationship did to me. I guess I'm at the "self-inquiry" stage.

I thought I was "over her" until I received an email from her about 3 weeks ago. She finally dropped the rest of my stuff off to me that had been at her apartment for months and that I had asked for. We bantered back and forth for a bit and that was it. Or so I thought. About 11 days ago, I got another email from her. More back and forth, but, luckily, I haven't heard from her in over a week. But, all the emotions, all the pain, the want, etc., came crashing back... .like I was hit by a locomotive. I just want to be done with this. Any, and all, advice is welcome.

Thank you for listening.

~N

IrishPride:

What has helped me was learning as much as I could about the disorder, studying it, and understanding the various stages that occur between a borderline and a non-borderline; all that information is at this website, plus the personal stories of those that post to this message board really helped me see common patterns of behavior.  Getting my head around the key components of the interpersonal dynamics has helped me a lot as well.

From speaking with psychologists and reading the literature, my understanding is that Borderlines are very good at studying other people even if they are emotionally underdeveloped. They can be quite astute at understanding your vulnerabilities and insecurities and then exploiting them when they themselves feel threatened, anxious or fearful. Much of their psychology is paradoxical; they read people well in some respects but have difficulty tracking people emotionally; they often lack empathy, and process life events in ways that seem to Non-Borderlines to be inappropriate, extreme and distorted. They tend to demand an enormous amount of empathy and emotional support but often can't provide any of that same empathy and support to their partners.

The difficulty you are having in detaching from the relationship is why this message board exists; it's a very common and insidious problem. My belief is that it all stems from the first stage of the relationship when the pwBPD idealizes their partner. It was very seductive for me; she made me feel so special so it's particularly difficult to accept that such adoration was the product of a disordered mind. But it was.  (I should feel special all by myself but perhaps not quite that special) It's intoxicating but just like an intoxicant, it's a distortion, and it feeds the ego. When left unchecked, the ego is very destructive to the self.  We always want to go back to that wonderful first stage in the relationship, but it's not recoverable because it wasn't real. It wasn't so wonderful either because it set the table for a painful fall. We want to believe the good stuff and dismiss only the bad stuff as the disorder, but we have to accept the entire package. In my case, I wasn't the best person who ever entered her life (which she told me), nor the cruelest person who ever came into her life (which she told me).

One piece of advice that has really helped me a lot is to judge a pwBPD not by their words but by their actions. I tended to put more value in her words than her actions because her words tended to be much more pleasant than her actions, but it was her actions/behavior (promiscuity/lack of empathy/manipulation/tirades/deception) that gave me a better understanding of the pain that my relationship with her would entail. Ultimately I made a judgment that the amount of pain exceeded the pleasure even if the pleasurable moments bordered at times on the paradisiacal.  Usually the pain felt equally extreme.  

Although it's hard for me sometimes to accept, I need to remind myself that my EX has a mental illness and that she deserves my compassion as well as my understanding. I try to resist the urge to demonize her; I would no sooner demonize someone with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder than I would someone with BPD. It's difficult to resist because I often feel like I was her victim, that she preyed upon me, but in my more reflective moments I realize that she has suffered in this life even more than I did during our 8 month relationship. I will protect myself by never returning to the relationship and maintaining zero contact with her, but I hope someday she receives treatment and overcomes what has to be a very painful psychological condition. However, as her EX, I cannot help her so the most compassionate thing for me to do is leave her alone.

You will get over this, but it will take more time than the usual break-up. It seems to me that Borderlines engage us in an area of our psyche that can be extremely deep and personal. I think part of this is due to the Borderline's keen perception of what makes us tick.  Their lack of empathy allows them to attack Non-BPs at that level of vulnerability; you hear a lot of people on this board talking about how callous many of their interactions with pwBPD were. But another thing that made this difficult for me is that none of my feelings ever got validated so I left the relationship without any sense of closure, as if she were a complete stranger at the end.

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for your astute answer. Honestly, it's GREATLY appreciated. You NAILED it on the head as to my reaction to this relationship/breakup and, while it almost seems demented to say this, I find solace in the fact that I'm not alone. Again, thank you.

~N

[Dunder]

IrishPride,  If you really want to detach from her, you're probably going to have to consider a strict no contact approach. Borderlines often boomerang, leaving for awhile but then inexplicably returning. The promise of another round of idealization is difficult to turn away from, but if they're not receiving serious treatment for the disorder, you're simply going to reenact previous failed relationships and relive the same pain you're experiencing now.

I am making progress in detaching by scrubbing my entire environment of all things that trigger memories and associated emotions. I have deleted all text messages and emails from her and stored all physical items where I can't see them. I even deleted my Facebook page and all other social media accounts so I am not tempted to "spy" on her. She is blocked on my phone and FaceTime. I have left only one access point open to her: my personal email account, but if she contacts me, I will probably have to block her there as well. I have left the email open to her as a way of knowing whether she has attempted to contact me because not all borderlines recycle. Every day that passes in which she doesn't contact me (only 23 days so far), the better I feel, but only slightly. It's a slow climb out and having a therapist to talk about this with has helped too.

You cannot help her; only a skilled psychotherapist has a shot at helping her overcome the disorder. Your job is to protect yourself.

[shatterd]

im seeimg some conflicting info here  on recylcling  and leaving or this topic in genral   i was prty sure for the most part they do recycle  and they all have that takeing off thing going on  im sure the short term ones prly dont  but the longer ones do right? escpecially with kids? mine does its gettn gross tho

[Dunder]

im seeimg some conflicting info here  on recylcling  and leaving or this topic in genral   i was prty sure for the most part they do recycle  and they all have that takeing off thing going on  im sure the short term ones prly dont  but the longer ones do right? escpecially with kids? mine does its gettn gross tho

My therapist told me that not all borderlines recycle. I've also read that in a couple of other places, that their behavior is too unpredictable to talk in absolutes. But judging from the messages posted on this board, it would appear to happen a lot.

[shatterd]

ya theropy today she told me to prepare for the return again   idk if i want it back this time    she kept talkn about how she needs me   i flippd out   i told my ex im sick of her needing me  start wanting me for once   feel very used

[Irish Pride]

IrishPride,  If you really want to detach from her, you're probably going to have to consider a strict no contact approach. Borderlines often boomerang, leaving for awhile but then inexplicably returning. The promise of another round of idealization is difficult to turn away from, but if they're not receiving serious treatment for the disorder, you're simply going to reenact previous failed relationships and relive the same pain you're experiencing now.

I am making progress in detaching by scrubbing my entire environment of all things that trigger memories and associated emotions. I have deleted all text messages and emails from her and stored all physical items where I can't see them. I even deleted my Facebook page and all other social media accounts so I am not tempted to "spy" on her. She is blocked on my phone and FaceTime. I have left only one access point open to her: my personal email account, but if she contacts me, I will probably have to block her there as well. I have left the email open to her as a way of knowing whether she has attempted to contact me because not all borderlines recycle. Every day that passes in which she doesn't contact me (only 23 days so far), the better I feel, but only slightly. It's a slow climb out and having a therapist to talk about this with has helped too.

You cannot help her; only a skilled psychotherapist has a shot at helping her overcome the disorder. Your job is to protect yourself.

Dunder,

I fully agree. Back in November '14, when I broke up with her, I told her then about that the therapist said about her. Naturally, she flipped out. Today, seeking the closure I want, I told her again about what I think of her having BPD, to seek help and to leave me be. This is, hopefully, her final response to me.

>>I hope you now have the closure that you're looking for and can move on with the confidence that you've done and said everything that you felt was necessary.

I hope you find peace in knowing that I've sought the advise of THREE therapist. The first bc I was very frightened by the diagnosis AND the fact that it was kept from me. Not just by you but by a professional that "I personally" was paying to treat me. The second was a second opinion at the advise of the first therapist and the third was the therapist that I saw for YEARS who is now retired but was so outraged by the diagnosis that she agreed to meet with all of us. All three are in STRONG agreement that I do NOT have BPD and have STRONGLY advised me to hire an attorney and to cut off ties with you completely.

Hope this puts your mind at ease... .<<

I have several thoughts on this, but the biggest one is, if she was told to "cut all ties with me completely" then why the emails? Why this one? IMO, I don't think she really sought help, at all. And if she did, they're getting one side of the story. Oh well. The important thing is, I hope this is exactly what was needed in order to push her away for good.

Again, thank you for your advice. Her email is now filtered, so I hopefully will never hear from her again.

[FannyB]

Just bear in mind that you've been taking 'crack cocaine' in relationship terms for a prolonged period.   You've already realised it's bad for you which is vitally important, but withdrawal can be a long and painful process as many on here have experienced. But you're firmly on the road to redemption now! 

[Dunder]

IrishPride,  If you really want to detach from her, you're probably going to have to consider a strict no contact approach. Borderlines often boomerang, leaving for awhile but then inexplicably returning. The promise of another round of idealization is difficult to turn away from, but if they're not receiving serious treatment for the disorder, you're simply going to reenact previous failed relationships and relive the same pain you're experiencing now.

I am making progress in detaching by scrubbing my entire environment of all things that trigger memories and associated emotions. I have deleted all text messages and emails from her and stored all physical items where I can't see them. I even deleted my Facebook page and all other social media accounts so I am not tempted to "spy" on her. She is blocked on my phone and FaceTime. I have left only one access point open to her: my personal email account, but if she contacts me, I will probably have to block her there as well. I have left the email open to her as a way of knowing whether she has attempted to contact me because not all borderlines recycle. Every day that passes in which she doesn't contact me (only 23 days so far), the better I feel, but only slightly. It's a slow climb out and having a therapist to talk about this with has helped too.

You cannot help her; only a skilled psychotherapist has a shot at helping her overcome the disorder. Your job is to protect yourself.

Dunder,

I fully agree. Back in November '14, when I broke up with her, I told her then about that the therapist said about her. Naturally, she flipped out. Today, seeking the closure I want, I told her again about what I think of her having BPD, to seek help and to leave me be. This is, hopefully, her final response to me.

>>I hope you now have the closure that you're looking for and can move on with the confidence that you've done and said everything that you felt was necessary.

I hope you find peace in knowing that I've sought the advise of THREE therapist. The first bc I was very frightened by the diagnosis AND the fact that it was kept from me. Not just by you but by a professional that "I personally" was paying to treat me. The second was a second opinion at the advise of the first therapist and the third was the therapist that I saw for YEARS who is now retired but was so outraged by the diagnosis that she agreed to meet with all of us. All three are in STRONG agreement that I do NOT have BPD and have STRONGLY advised me to hire an attorney and to cut off ties with you completely.

Hope this puts your mind at ease... .<<

I have several thoughts on this, but the biggest one is, if she was told to "cut all ties with me completely" then why the emails? Why this one? IMO, I don't think she really sought help, at all. And if she did, they're getting one side of the story. Oh well. The important thing is, I hope this is exactly what was needed in order to push her away for good.

Again, thank you for your advice. Her email is now filtered, so I hopefully will never hear from her again.

Irish, That message to you encapsulates a lot of the interpersonal dynamics that I've encountered in my relationships with not just my uBPDx  but also in my brother who was professionally diagnosed with BPD.  She begins with the disingenuous phrase, "I hope you've found the closure... .", but she was just softening the terrain momentarily in order to clobber you with anger and guilt. Rhetorically, her message to you is structured to create a momentary contrast between a loving tone (I hope you find peace) and a hateful one (just about everything else that follows). It's also very defensive, which is to be expected because Borderlines as I personally know them can't take anything that sounds even remotely like criticism. You'll find thread on this board about telling partners that they have a PD; it never goes well.

This message is very familiar to me, the sarcasm, the attack that you did something deceitful, that YOU are the bad person and she is the victim, that you and your "unprofessional" therapist are ganging up on her. I've seen this kind of reaction for years in my brother and then recently in my Ex. The bit about hiring an attorney is classic; is there anything more threatening to say to another in this day an age than "I'm going to sue"?  Great example of the best defense is an offense strategy.

And don't even bother scrutinizing the content of the message for truth and accuracy; it must be very tempting to pick apart all the areas in the message that don't add up (was her therapist really "outraged"?, was she really advised to hire an attorney? was she really advised to cut off all communication with you because you were told that she has BPD?); there are likely so many layers of distortions, omissions, and even lies that make sorting out what is real and what is not an exercise in futility.  That's why I prefer to look at actions, and the action here is an angry and defensive message intended to deflect her pain onto you.

Trying to pin down what is real and what isn't distracts us from the larger picture which is whether these interactions are healthy for us, whether we feel as though these partners are good emotional matches for us.

[Irish Pride]

Hi Irish Pride,



I'm sorry to hear that. A relationship break-up with a person with BPD is painful, chaotic and confusing. I can relate.

It's really hard to talk about with my family/friends, because I just don't think they understand.

I think that you have to have a r/s with a person with a personality disorder to understand the person's experience. Members have similar experiences and can relate.

I thought I was "over her" until I received an email from her about 3 weeks ago.

The r/s and the emotional roller coaster can leave us profoundly confused.

It helps to talk.

Thank you, Mutt! I am in agreeance. It does help, immensely, to talk to others about this. It's one thing to read about symptoms of BPD, to even get a diagnosis from a professional, but there's something deeply... .soothing... .about interacting with others that have gone through the emotional hell you've gone through. A validation, in some ways and, while I don't wish this crap on my worst enemy, it does help to know I'm not alone and that I'm not an idiot for staying so long. The site has been a blessing for me. Thank you.

[Irish Pride]

IrishPride,  If you really want to detach from her, you're probably going to have to consider a strict no contact approach. Borderlines often boomerang, leaving for awhile but then inexplicably returning. The promise of another round of idealization is difficult to turn away from, but if they're not receiving serious treatment for the disorder, you're simply going to reenact previous failed relationships and relive the same pain you're experiencing now.

I am making progress in detaching by scrubbing my entire environment of all things that trigger memories and associated emotions. I have deleted all text messages and emails from her and stored all physical items where I can't see them. I even deleted my Facebook page and all other social media accounts so I am not tempted to "spy" on her. She is blocked on my phone and FaceTime. I have left only one access point open to her: my personal email account, but if she contacts me, I will probably have to block her there as well. I have left the email open to her as a way of knowing whether she has attempted to contact me because not all borderlines recycle. Every day that passes in which she doesn't contact me (only 23 days so far), the better I feel, but only slightly. It's a slow climb out and having a therapist to talk about this with has helped too.

You cannot help her; only a skilled psychotherapist has a shot at helping her overcome the disorder. Your job is to protect yourself.

Dunder,

I fully agree. Back in November '14, when I broke up with her, I told her then about that the therapist said about her. Naturally, she flipped out. Today, seeking the closure I want, I told her again about what I think of her having BPD, to seek help and to leave me be. This is, hopefully, her final response to me.

>>I hope you now have the closure that you're looking for and can move on with the confidence that you've done and said everything that you felt was necessary.

I hope you find peace in knowing that I've sought the advise of THREE therapist. The first bc I was very frightened by the diagnosis AND the fact that it was kept from me. Not just by you but by a professional that "I personally" was paying to treat me. The second was a second opinion at the advise of the first therapist and the third was the therapist that I saw for YEARS who is now retired but was so outraged by the diagnosis that she agreed to meet with all of us. All three are in STRONG agreement that I do NOT have BPD and have STRONGLY advised me to hire an attorney and to cut off ties with you completely.

Hope this puts your mind at ease... .<<

I have several thoughts on this, but the biggest one is, if she was told to "cut all ties with me completely" then why the emails? Why this one? IMO, I don't think she really sought help, at all. And if she did, they're getting one side of the story. Oh well. The important thing is, I hope this is exactly what was needed in order to push her away for good.

Again, thank you for your advice. Her email is now filtered, so I hopefully will never hear from her again.

Irish, That message to you encapsulates a lot of the interpersonal dynamics that I've encountered in my relationships with not just my uBPDx  but also in my brother who was professionally diagnosed with BPD.  She begins with the disingenuous phrase, "I hope you've found the closure... .", but she was just softening the terrain momentarily in order to clobber you with anger and guilt. Rhetorically, her message to you is structured to create a momentary contrast between a loving tone (I hope you find peace) and a hateful one (just about everything else that follows). It's also very defensive, which is to be expected because Borderlines as I personally know them can't take anything that sounds even remotely like criticism. You'll find thread on this board about telling partners that they have a PD; it never goes well.

This message is very familiar to me, the sarcasm, the attack that you did something deceitful, that YOU are the bad person and she is the victim, that you and your "unprofessional" therapist are ganging up on her. I've seen this kind of reaction for years in my brother and then recently in my Ex. The bit about hiring an attorney is classic; is there anything more threatening to say to another in this day an age than "I'm going to sue"?  Great example of the best defense is an offense strategy.

And don't even bother scrutinizing the content of the message for truth and accuracy; it must be very tempting to pick apart all the areas in the message that don't add up (was her therapist really "outraged"?, was she really advised to hire an attorney? was she really advised to cut off all communication with you because you were told that she has BPD?); there are likely so many layers of distortions, omissions, and even lies that make sorting out what is real and what is not an exercise in futility.  That's why I prefer to look at actions, and the action here is an angry and defensive message intended to deflect her pain onto you.

Trying to pin down what is real and what isn't distracts us from the larger picture which is whether these interactions are healthy for us, whether we feel as though these partners are good emotional matches for us.

Hit the nail on the head, again. Her "passive aggressiveness" is something I'm so used to, it doesn't even phase me, anymore. The reason I posted her reply was to see if I was the only one who saw just how spot on the response was by someone with BPD. You dissected it almost exactly as I did. The loving/hateful tone, the sarcasm, the lies.

I just couldn't believe that she so obviously contradicted herself (to cut all ties with me), but was so oblivious to it. That's one of the things about this sickness that I think I have the hardest time... .rationalizing (for the lack of a better word). I know there ZERO rationalizing with someone with BPD, but it still doesn't cease to amaze me.

Again, thank you for your words. It's unreal how much I felt like **I** was the one with the problem for SO LONG. Even after last night's email from her, I paused and wondered if I had it all wrong. This site has helped in so, so many ways. Much more so than the therapist did, if you can believe it. Thank you!