New to this group

[Keebler44]

Hi, I am new to this group.  I have a 12 year old son who has recently been diagnosed with Borderline

Personality Disorder.  I have been reading any and every thing I can about this illness in order to

to help me understand what I'm dealing with.  The past 6 months have been a nightmare with him, but we are finally starting to unravel and diagnose the problems.  I simply need too learn skills and "tools" to help me deal with my child.  I have 2 other children and our situation has really  affected their relationship with their brother, mostly negative.  How can I help them understand what is "wrong" with him, as they keep asking.  Majority of the time, my husband is on the same page as me, but we do argue about how to treat his condition.  I would like any kind of advice and also what other parents have done to treat their child and what has worked best.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mike-X]

Welcome to the boards, and thank you for sharing your story.

Is he receiving a particular form of therapy currently?

[livednlearned]

Hi Keebler44,

'm sorry for what brought you here but I'm glad you're with us. This is a challenging disorder for parents -- I'm glad, though, that your son was diagnosed before he turned 18. That means you have some time to try and help him while he's still living with you. How old are your other children?

Does your son seem to want help? What aspects of his/her behavior do you find most difficult to deal with?

You have found the best place in the world for understanding, compassion and education here. I recommend starting with validation -- it's the best skill to start with.

• The Power of Asking Validating Questions



• Validation and Young Children

• Validation and Teens



• COMMUNICATION: Validation - tools and techniques:



• COMMUNICATION: Validation - stop invalidating others

These books are also very helpful:

• BOOK: The Power of Validation (for Parents)



• BOOK: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better

[MammaMia]

Keebler44

Welcome to BPDF.  We are happy to have you with us and hope we can help.

You have already received some good advice regarding education about BPD and techniques for dealing with your son.

I am curious as to why he was diagnosed at such an early age.  Most psychiatrists and/or psychologists are reluctant to make a definitive diagnosis of BPD until a child is more mature, usually around 18.  This can lead to many years of frustration in the interim and missed opportunities for treatment at an early age.  Once they reach legal age and are viewed as adults, it is very difficult to get them to seek treatment because they have the right to refuse. 

Do you know why he was diagnosed at such a young age? 

We look forward to hearing more from you.  Thank you for joining us.

[lbjnltx]

Hi Keebler44,

Welcome to the family 

I'm sorry that your son is suffering with this disorder.  My daughter was diagnosed by her psychologist at age 12 too. 

I explained it in the most simple of terms to my daughter's step brother and sister... .they are much older than her and still it helped them understand:

S feels every emotion she has x10, where you would feel scared, she would feel terror, where you feel mad, she would feel rage, where you feel sad, she would feel despair.

S fears being abandoned and will discredit you in her own mind and treat you poorly so that if you do leave it's because you are not a good person or she will cut you off so that she has control over whether you leave or not. She is trying to manage her fears of abandonment the only way she knows how.

You are on the right track to help your son and the rest of your family.  Learning the most effective communication skills and understanding what the causes  are behind the behaviors will help you interact/view him differently.  Being a living model of how you would like for him to handle emotions and situations that cause him discomfort is the best teaching method.  Working together as a family is of the utmost importance.

Do you attend therapy with him sometimes? 

My daughter and I attended CBT with some DBT skills promotion together for 2 years weekly.  We did not have access to a true DBT program.  Progress was very slow and I was able to be clear minded (thanks to the support and information I got here) to make decisions and choices to seek more intense treatment for her.  She is 18 now and doing well.

There are many factors that will be important in helping your son.  One of the most important is your mental/emotional/physical health.  We must take care of ourselves before we can take care of someone else... .you know how they tell you in the pre flight instructions to put on your oxygen mask in case of emergency before you put one on your children... .that same rule applies.

lbjnltx

[MammaMia]

Keebler44 and Ibjnltx

Do you live in the US?  If so, you are very fortunate to have found help early. 

[lbjnltx]

Yes Mammamia, I am in the US