How long until you felt attractive again

[confusedinWI]

I will post most of my story later. I am a 37 year old man just got out of a 2 year relationship with a upwbdexgf 32 year old female. Contrary to what others posted my gf was about a six or seven in physical looks but with everything I thought I knew about her she seemed like a ten to me.

There were times she could ramp it up to an 8. She use to always say that I was the most attractive man she ever dated, sexiest etc. I know that is common verbiage. Funny thing is her family also told me I was by far the most attractive she ever dated as well. We made a very good looking couple. I would rate my looks as a six or seven but when I was confident I was a nine. She would make comments that when we walked into a room she always felt like she had the most attractive man on her arm. She said it was the combination of my looks, my confidence, my intelligence and my heart. Well thru our many recycles she destroyed that confidence. Funny thing is we broke up for reasons not related to my looks or how I loved her or treated her. She once said in a moment of clarity that she feels she'll not find someone to treat her as well as I did, be as kind to her during her hissy fits etc. she said she had a habit of feeling like she made her past boyfriends better and then things happen where a break up occurred.

Two weeks after we broke up she is already onto someone new. My friend looked at her Facebook profile, as I have her blocked because I know I would look, and said her new man is a total downgrade from me. That it looks like she just went out and got first warm body. It kills me that he is now enjoying her idealization while I feel ugly, worthless, not capable of anyone to love me or want to kiss me. I also hit the whole best lover ever line.

How long did it take for others to feel somewhat good again?

[dagwoodbowser]

Hello confusedinWI. Your question is a very good one and as a matter of fact earlier I was looking at myself in the mirror and wondering what the future holds. I did a little over 2 yrs with a diagnosed BPDx, she was a classic Waif. She wasn't quite a 7 and because of bingeing issues she was likely about 25 lbs over weight, but when she put it on, she could notch it up a few points. Most beautiful eyes. To me of course none of that mattered and she was always a 10 for me. She was much younger. I met her just as she had turned 32, I was about to break past 50. She was always, always taking selfies. At first, I didnt think much of it. Later I realized that when she felt her best and her self esteem was at her highest she would take these pics, post them on FB and of course was sending them out to her X's, orbitors and fans that she always kept around. On the other hand, when she wasnt feeling at her best and she would ask me if she was "ugly" I would reassure her and she would hold me and cling to me and at least for a while I was the most important man in her world... .at least for that fleeting while I couldnt grasp on to long enough.

She and I did multiple recycles. Was 5, but I only count 4 recycles because one of them lasted less than a week. I am now at day 44+ of No Contact... .longest I've ever done and while a part of me wishes to have her, the part that she has killed off wakens like an undead zombie and reminds me I cant ever go back. It's conflicting and painful. Which brings me back to your original question. I have no idea how long it will take me to feel good about myself. I have no idea how long it will take for me to heal from this terrible wound to my soul and psyche. I've gone out here and there, a date or two and a few flings to fill that emptiness and need for touch, but there is No connection, none of that intensity... .I know you understand what I mean by this if your girl was BPD. I guess if your like me, part of you wants to move forward anxiously wanting to find that new person, but then there's that stuck part that wants to stay in what was but can never be.

[StarOfTheSea]

Dagwood, you touched upon something that's been on my mind lately: how r/s's to follow aren't at the same intensity as the ones we had with our BPD's. I think because they lack the intensity we feel like we aren't liked/loved/attractive. But as amazing as that felt, it wasn't healthy. I'm sure heroin feels amazing too, but is it healthy?

Confused, I guess I started feeling attractive again when I had some of my confidence back and was in less pain. And when the fog of his bs started to clear. I know it's not for everyone, but I did have a couple of flings and they helped. (Especially since he was rejecting me sexually near the end.) I think once your thinking starts to clear you'll see that you're the same confident, attractive person you've always been.

[confusedinWI]

When I first found out that she downgraded with her new man, it made me feel good. Made me think she will really have to pretend hard to love his body when he is naked. I know that sounds bad but it's just weird because she said she loved the way I looked naked. I'm not a GQ model but I'm 6'1 and 230. My friend said new guy looks like he's pushing 300.

It kills me because when we broke up she said that from all the great things we had she knew what she wanted in a relationship and she wasn't going to settle to just be in one... .yeah right. I still lived in the apartment for two weeks after we broke up and she went from being sweet and still wanting to cuddle at night to cold and callous and texting new man right in front of me... .to even then saying I was her forever love and always will be.

Man I still have her looks on a pedestal when I shouldn't. She was different then what I normally was with. She was 5'10 and maybe 170 but her weight was proportional. She had a little bit of love handles and I loved it. Short blonde hair which I had never dated someone with short hair. Her eyes were amazing and she would always give me the most amazing smile.

It's funny because even after we broke up she was still telling me how I was the sexiest she ever dated, how I was the kindest, sweetest blah blah. It's funny though because she said just remember confidence is sexy. Thanks after you destroyed mine!  So yeah my ego was stroked a bit knowing that she doesn't have the type of guy I was.

I'm dying inside right now. i miss the holding hands, the way I would lay my head on her stomach and she would run her fingers on my scalp while watching Netflix. Yes the sex was mind blowing but to me what was amazing was we could be purely physical and I still felt intimacy with her. We would hold each other and calm our heart rate down. I never liked being spooned until her. I just felt safe. Also the nights we had my kids spend the night the way she would tuck them in at night with me.

It kills me that some other guy is now getting her living texts (even though they will soon turn passive agressive). I know she will repeat the same cycle but I miss the good parts. I don't miss the verbal abuse, the drinking which would then lead her to point out all my faults she perceived. The getting mode over the smallest of things, the extreme way she reacted. How some mornings I would say I live you when I left and nothing in response the next week all emotionally available.

But damn coming home to her,her kiss and hug that would make me melt. Cooking together,going for walks. Her supportive love notes when I was going thru things with ex wife. The hallmark cards that she would give me. She was so creative with her gifts. It's like there were two people and at the end I was walking on eggshells wondering who I woukd come home to. If I was late coming home from work, even though I woukd text her, she woukd let it ruin her night.

I'm rambling but it feels good to get out of my system. I felt I had connected with her at first more than I ever did with my ex wife of ten years. The constant ups and downs though. I needed consistency. I opened up my heart and soul to her, I thought I had hers. I'm still so hurt and confused.i know it's the actions I have to remember and get over the words.

I feel like I'm forever damaged from the idealizing she did to me. She even told me things like she thought I had sexy calves and feet. She even gave me foot massages and I loved it! She showed me so much affection for the majority of the relationship but she could switch on a dime. I always tried to manage my retail work schedule, kids schedule, my school schedule and a,ways gave her all my time when I could. I thought once we lived together it woukd make it better but her being single without kids I think the reality of my kids being there three nignts a week made it tough. She wasn't around for just the fun stuff but the everyday stuff. It was hard for her to keep the mask on. Plus I think she had a drinking problem too. Towards the end she was drinking three four beers a night or I'd find mt dew bottles hidden around the house that was mixed with stuff.

I know I have some co dependency issues and I have to validate myself and give me my own approval but damn I do being missed or having my butt grabbed when I wore the jeans she liked or her grabbing my arms telling me to flex or the texts messages thru the day saying how much she missed me and couldn't wait for me to get home because she wanted me that bad.

I feel like I don't know what in the future a normal healthy relationship will be like. If a woman is flattering me is it healthy or putting me on a pedestal?  

God part of me so badly wants to look at her Facebook page but I wont because it woukd destroy me. I had to get rid of the pictures and memory box because it hurt so much because was it all fake? What words were true. When I went to the hospital for her moms surgery and surprised my ex to support her or when I went to be by my ex side when she had something come up where she thought her heart was wrong. She said I was the most supportive ever.

His can she now pretend new man is better than me? She dated me for two years, lived together for seven months in an apartment we rented together for our new life. She said she loved my kids like they were her own. How dies she just forget all that in such a short time and bring this guy back to that same apartment?

[confusedinWI]

Sorry a little more I just wanted to expand on. It is the loss of the couple we were, the person that my daughter and son fell in love with. The loss of future plans and dreams that seemed so real. All the late night talks showing my vulnerability and her showing me hers. Crying on her shoulder when I was scared. Me calling her on break asking what the best part of her day was. Telling her how lucky I was to wake up next to her because I got to see her at the most beautiful moment of the day seeing her wake up. Laying next to her at night and running my fingers thru her hair or taking my finger and lightly rubbing her face tracing her lovely

I know all the bad times that led me to this but there were moments of love that had to be real. The times I would turn out all the lights except for one small tiny one and dance with her in the kitchen, the way she looked at me I will keep until the day I die. The way she would look at me when I would just interrupt her worrying about something and kiss her. The way my eyes woukd look when she got all dressed up for our date night and my breath woukd catch. She would see it in my eyes and just really smile.

Hell the times she would surprise me after a long day at work wearing sexy stockings that she knew I liked. Hell there are a thousand moments. The way she would say my full name.

But what I think will stay with me forever is a text she sent me three days before I moved out when I was staying at my parents. She was always as supportive as she could be when things got ugly between my ex wife and I. She would offer a hug or let me vent whatever situation warranted. Anyways the text said "who will protect you now?"   

It wasn't meant to be mean or a put down but a moment of her worrying about me. Did she love me?  Yes I knew she did! I'd go to my maker knowing that. But like others she pushed me away then pulled back. At the end she did something that crossed the line that we had to be over.

I've never been jealous but yes right now I'm sad and jealous that the new guy is getting the good stuff. But I also know that I was willing to to love her even when she couldn't love herself. She threw that away and that's what has me crying as I write this. Looking at my sleeping daughter gives me comfort. Knowing that choosing my kids will never be the wrong choice. And if I never get the love again that made my feel like I won the lottery well then I had it for a bit! I am sad that I threw away the memory box but had to. The memories in my mind will live on. I'm afraid to see her again right now, afraid that she would look at me like a stranger.

This is the burden that all of us that loved deeply will carry, our scars are not physical. They can't be seen but they are there and they are deep!

[anxiety5]

I will post most of my story later. I am a 37 year old man just got out of a 2 year relationship with a upwbdexgf 32 year old female. Contrary to what others posted my gf was about a six or seven in physical looks but with everything I thought I knew about her she seemed like a ten to me.

There were times she could ramp it up to an 8. She use to always say that I was the most attractive man she ever dated, sexiest etc. I know that is common verbiage. Funny thing is her family also told me I was by far the most attractive she ever dated as well. We made a very good looking couple. I would rate my looks as a six or seven but when I was confident I was a nine. She would make comments that when we walked into a room she always felt like she had the most attractive man on her arm. She said it was the combination of my looks, my confidence, my intelligence and my heart. Well thru our many recycles she destroyed that confidence. Funny thing is we broke up for reasons not related to my looks or how I loved her or treated her. She once said in a moment of clarity that she feels she'll not find someone to treat her as well as I did, be as kind to her during her hissy fits etc. she said she had a habit of feeling like she made her past boyfriends better and then things happen where a break up occurred.

Two weeks after we broke up she is already onto someone new. My friend looked at her Facebook profile, as I have her blocked because I know I would look, and said her new man is a total downgrade from me. That it looks like she just went out and got first warm body. It kills me that he is now enjoying her idealization while I feel ugly, worthless, not capable of anyone to love me or want to kiss me. I also hit the whole best lover ever line.

How long did it take for others to feel somewhat good again?

I'm sorry you are hurting. Remember where they are flawed is that they seek their self worth through the eyes of other's reflecting it back to them. Our flaw that hooked us to them is much the same. We seek our sense of self worth through other's reactions. Thats why the love bombing is so effective, but it's manipulative. The reason you get hooked is because they fill all our little insecurities and self doubts. You are the greatest this or that. As I've mentioned before the head spinning truth about it is this. You don't miss them because they are some amazing person. It's pretty clear they are awful, and we see that in the end. But what hurts so much is this person made us whole, by filling all our insecurities and doubts. So the crazy thing is this. We don't really miss them. We miss the way THEY made US feel about OURSELVES. That feeling is when our deficits were filled by them. But their intentions were not wholesome. They found our insecurities and through love bombing basically manipulated us by mirroring back to us the way we always wanted to feel: that we were good enough, and worthwhile.

How your feeling right now, is what must be fixed. The answer has nothing to do with your ex. You must create that sense of wholeness through yourself and not validate your self worth any longer through someone else. That's to say, her not loving you does not = you being unlovable. Her rejecting you does not = you aren't good enough.

I can't say what the answer is on how to get to where you need to be but I can tell you what worked for me. Identify your core values. The things that are at your foundation and things you stand for. Use these to enforce boundaries. That is, if anyone in your life violates these core values than get them out of your life. (this is drawing a boundary) And over time as you begin to align yourself with people who match your values, your relationships and friendships will be safe, trustworthy and more fulfilling. Take care of yourself. A sound body = A sound mind. Go to the gym, if you can't than start exercising, even if it's taking a walk. Get outside and enjoy a nice day with a walk and some of your favorite music. Take appreciation at the good things around you in this World. A walk in a nice park changes my mood for days. Nature is beautiful and it makes me realize that I'm alive for a higher purpose and it keeps in perspective how silly it is that I'm allowing 1 person to keep me in my own prison of self doubt and degradation.

To understand your core values is to know who you are. To know who you are is to align with others who are like you and keep away from others who are not. To enforce these boundaries is to respect yourself and to respect yourself is the fastest way to build healthy self esteem and once that happens you won't feel the need to validate your worth from any external sources or people. You will be living true to yourself and that's what the ultimate definition of happiness is.

[workinprogress]

On a side note for this topic, I think they downgrade because it makes them feel in control.  They can manipulate their partner if that partner feels they are dating up.

[dobie]

My self esteem has taken a massive hit I've lost weight and my face looks aged from the grief and not taking proper care of myself .

I'm working on getting it back , this time though it has to come from us not them

Even if they met guys who were better looking there's no knowing if these guys have any or all the other qualities we have

My x even admitted six months out she would probably not meet someone like me to meet her on an intellectual level .

My x has looks and money and that's it OK she is bright as well but empathy , kindness , sacrifice , trust and all the other qualities one needs for a full happy r/s she has little to non once she is out the infatuation phase and even then it was always more about her .

So pity the poor sucker who will be used and sucked dry just like us babysitting these adult infants .

They will always be chasing that initial high so I expect her even if she does marry to probably cheat ... .

These r/s are very hard to sustain and even if long term how happy are the nons?

[confusedinWI]

Im having a really hard time today knowing she is dating again

[confusedinWI]

I find myself wonderinf if I know the relationship is bad for me amd essentially fake then why am I missing being in it with her? Maybe it was the promise of the good times happening once in a while. Ugh I have to heal myself

[DyingLove]

When I first found out that she downgraded with her new man, it made me feel good. Made me think she will really have to pretend hard to love his body when he is naked. I know that sounds bad but it's just weird because she said she loved the way I looked naked. I'm not a GQ model but I'm 6'1 and 230. My friend said new guy looks like he's pushing 300.

It kills me because when we broke up she said that from all the great things we had she knew what she wanted in a relationship and she wasn't going to settle to just be in one... .yeah right. I still lived in the apartment for two weeks after we broke up and she went from being sweet and still wanting to cuddle at night to cold and callous and texting new man right in front of me... .to even then saying I was her forever love and always will be.

Man I still have her looks on a pedestal when I shouldn't. She was different then what I normally was with. She was 5'10 and maybe 170 but her weight was proportional. She had a little bit of love handles and I loved it. Short blonde hair which I had never dated someone with short hair. Her eyes were amazing and she would always give me the most amazing smile.

It's funny because even after we broke up she was still telling me how I was the sexiest she ever dated, how I was the kindest, sweetest blah blah. It's funny though because she said just remember confidence is sexy. Thanks after you destroyed mine!  So yeah my ego was stroked a bit knowing that she doesn't have the type of guy I was.

I'm dying inside right now. i miss the holding hands, the way I would lay my head on her stomach and she would run her fingers on my scalp while watching Netflix. Yes the sex was mind blowing but to me what was amazing was we could be purely physical and I still felt intimacy with her. We would hold each other and calm our heart rate down. I never liked being spooned until her. I just felt safe. Also the nights we had my kids spend the night the way she would tuck them in at night with me.

It kills me that some other guy is now getting her living texts (even though they will soon turn passive agressive). I know she will repeat the same cycle but I miss the good parts. I don't miss the verbal abuse, the drinking which would then lead her to point out all my faults she perceived. The getting mode over the smallest of things, the extreme way she reacted. How some mornings I would say I live you when I left and nothing in response the next week all emotionally available.

But damn coming home to her,her kiss and hug that would make me melt. Cooking together,going for walks. Her supportive love notes when I was going thru things with ex wife. The hallmark cards that she would give me. She was so creative with her gifts. It's like there were two people and at the end I was walking on eggshells wondering who I woukd come home to. If I was late coming home from work, even though I woukd text her, she woukd let it ruin her night.

I'm rambling but it feels good to get out of my system. I felt I had connected with her at first more than I ever did with my ex wife of ten years. The constant ups and downs though. I needed consistency. I opened up my heart and soul to her, I thought I had hers. I'm still so hurt and confused.i know it's the actions I have to remember and get over the words.

I feel like I'm forever damaged from the idealizing she did to me. She even told me things like she thought I had sexy calves and feet. She even gave me foot massages and I loved it! She showed me so much affection for the majority of the relationship but she could switch on a dime. I always tried to manage my retail work schedule, kids schedule, my school schedule and a,ways gave her all my time when I could. I thought once we lived together it woukd make it better but her being single without kids I think the reality of my kids being there three nignts a week made it tough. She wasn't around for just the fun stuff but the everyday stuff. It was hard for her to keep the mask on. Plus I think she had a drinking problem too. Towards the end she was drinking three four beers a night or I'd find mt dew bottles hidden around the house that was mixed with stuff.

I know I have some co dependency issues and I have to validate myself and give me my own approval but damn I do being missed or having my butt grabbed when I wore the jeans she liked or her grabbing my arms telling me to flex or the texts messages thru the day saying how much she missed me and couldn't wait for me to get home because she wanted me that bad.

I feel like I don't know what in the future a normal healthy relationship will be like. If a woman is flattering me is it healthy or putting me on a pedestal?  

God part of me so badly wants to look at her Facebook page but I wont because it woukd destroy me. I had to get rid of the pictures and memory box because it hurt so much because was it all fake? What words were true. When I went to the hospital for her moms surgery and surprised my ex to support her or when I went to be by my ex side when she had something come up where she thought her heart was wrong. She said I was the most supportive ever.

His can she now pretend new man is better than me? She dated me for two years, lived together for seven months in an apartment we rented together for our new life. She said she loved my kids like they were her own. How dies she just forget all that in such a short time and bring this guy back to that same apartment?

I feel for you.  Sounds so similar... .

For about a good solid year, I slept on the same mattress with her that her 1+2 husbands and whoever else slept on.  SICKENED ME.  But it is what I had.  I got to the point where I bought a new bed (memory foam $2700) since it would just be us forever as I was told and led to believe.  Here I am today sleeping on a blowup mattress in my son's place of business because I have no place to live.  To me I look like CRAP.  I've improved by leaps and bounds since I moved back to NY... .but I'm still not how I was 4 years ago.

She used to remind me that "I'm not the man she met"... .I agreed with her and told her that everything that happened was killing me.  If I had to go another month before getting out of her house (was my house too) I don't know if I would have made it alive. But then again, maybe my options would have changed.  YES it was that bad... .but I live to tell my story.

[anxiety5]

I find myself wonderinf if I know the relationship is bad for me amd essentially fake then why am I missing being in it with her? Maybe it was the promise of the good times happening once in a while. Ugh I have to heal myself

There is a researched and very real answer to this. I struggled with the same thing. The urges, but after they passed, I struggled with why the heck did I have the urges in the first place. There is a very real situation that develops in high anxiety, toxic, trauma bonded relationships. It's identical to drug addiction. First you are stressed, than conditioned for it and when you end up losing something that you are groomed to hyper fixate on day and night it's like losing your soul. There is good and bad in that though. The bad, it hurts like heck and it's agonizing, I swear that these people insert a chip in our brains at some point that makes it literally IMPOSSIBLE to get them out of you head. But the good is, that it's all a mirage. Like any addiction, it must first be broken. Then usually the person goes to some sort of recovery. It's no different with us. You may not believe this right now because I was exactly where you are, but there will come a time if you do the work on yourself, if you take all that energy you spend wondering about them and direct it to you instead, where you will be liberated from those feelings. As you recover and heal more you will not only be removed from those feelings you will actually see proof that you are changing by the fact that if they came around your "gut" instincts of danger/get away are going off in full alarm. You realize how bad this person is for you. You realize that your relationship was like hanging out with a bottle of plutonium. If you deal with it directly it will kill you, but even in proximity to it you are being damaged. Most rewarding for me was when I came to the conclusion that I did not love her. That I never loved her. In my relationship I was simply reenacting past traumas, and chasing something in some futile attempt for proof of my self worth, and to resolve not only our problems but all the times it's happened to me in the past where I had the false notion that I was powerless.

It's a lot of personal investment and we are people who by nature are more comfortable focusing externally. That's the first step that must be broken. It's hard, but you have to realize that the stuff you need to resolve was always there. That in fact is the REASON why we are more comfortable focusing externally, it distracts us from ourselves and what we are feeling.

You will do it when it's right for you, but when you do your life will change and I can't wait to hear all about it. You will be ok.

[blissful_camper]

I looked like you know what when I left the r/s in 2013.  I too had lost weight, was stressed, and looked fatigued.  It really took a toll on me and it showed.  I started feeling attractive again last summer a year out of the r/s.  I'm gettin' there.  Since last fall, I've gained my weight back, I've been seeing an aesthetician each month (which I don't usually do), getting haircuts, and doing things for myself each day that boost my confidence. 

I don't recall a time in my life when I felt so unattractive as I did after the b/u.

You'll get your confidence back.  Make it a priority so that you're proactive about doing things that make you feel good.