He's only 11.

[mom2003]

I came across this page today looking for information on verbally abusive children. I'm here to find help for my son and support for me and my family as we start this journey. Thank you for providing an outlet for my confusion and fear.

My son.

My marriage to his biological father ended ten years ago. He was a just a baby. I was pregnant with his younger brother. His older sister was 5. The marriage was abusive. Emotionally. Physically. I escaped the hell that had become my life. I thought we were all safe from that point on. I have sole physical and legal custody of the children. My ex disappeared for years, filing for visitation in 2009 when he heard I was engaged to my husband - the man my children have considered "dad". A kind, patient, and wonderful, partner and father. Everyone seemed to be thriving. Including my son.

Eventually, my ex was awarded supervised visitation twice a month, a privilege he rarely utilizes. No phone calls. His last visit was October.

Looking back, there were probably hints of this. In the past year my son has become angry, seems depressed, and lashes out at me, in particular, and siblings with verbal abuse. He seemed to over react to everything and all family members. We are walking on eggshells. He displays none of these behaviors outside the home, performs beautifully at school, and is liked by his coaches. We recently began the process of getting him, and our family, help. He has been to two sessions with his counselor. She mentioned emotional vulnerability, anxiety, we're screening for ADHD. He seems to be escalating. Tantrums are daily. He's breaking things. He's threatening to lie to his counselor and became enraged when he realized I was filming to protect myself. His verbal abuse is beginning to extend to siblings, particularly his 9 year old brother.

I am stressed beyond imagination. I know this is the start of a long process, but I'm concerned about his impact on the other children. I feel guilty that everyone is being affected. I feel guilty that I need a break from his anger. All the websites I've looked at seem to point to mom as the problem for emotional vulnerability, which is pretty isolating. I feel trapped in something I thought I'd escaped when I left my ex. Our family is being held hostage by this. Every outing begins with a tantrum trying to persuade him gently to finish getting ready to go. Today he slammed my brush against the sink until it broke and then walked down the stairs like nothing happened.  I want to find some hope. He's only 11.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi mom2003,

A big welcome to you, and a hug -- it's hard. Your story resonated with me so much. My ex husband was abusive, and we have a son who is 13 (I have full custody and visitation was terminated). S13 seems to have a genetic predisposition for BPD, so I'm learning everything I can to try and put skills in place.

I've been reading Blaise Aguirre's book about BPD and adolescence, and it's been very helpful. Even though your son is pre-adolescent, you will find a lot that applies.

It's very normal to feel stressed in a situation like this, after being married to someone who has the same traits. It's like having a cloud over you that never goes away, always a foreboding feeling. Do you have a therapist to help you work through these feelings? If your son is pre-clinical BPD, or BPD, he may have a genetic predisposition. Some studies say the genetics are up to 70 percent. In Aguirre's book he says nature=60% and nurture/environment=40%. There are skills you can learn to help your relationship dynamic, to minimize the conflict with your son. There is definitely hope. My son was diagnosed ADHD, ODD, anxiety/depression -- what felt like precursors to BPD. He is still struggling with ADHD, anxiety/depression but our relationship is much better and I am happy to see even small signs of progress.

Have you had a chance to read about BPD in adolescence? Does you son seem to know he has a problem? Is your husband on the same page with you about how to approach your son?

Keep posting. We're here for you 

LnL

[Turkish]

mom2003,

It sounds from your story that this may have started when his bio father came into the picture. Is this correct? Does he ever talk about your Ex?

This is a trifecta of issues... .pre-adolescence, possible inheirited traits, and dad showing up all of a sudden... .and doing a poor job of it. People with BPD have a fear of abandonment, and your ex isn't helping. Does your son act out to your husband, or has that relationship changed greatly too? The targets that get aimed for are the ones that are seen, which is the rest of the family, unfortunately.