I'm triggered... her powerplay may have worked

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been a long day here... .last night... .tons of people over... .I handled it ok.

Plan is for lots of people to be over tomorrow night... .social thing wife has set up... .I'm trying to be supportive.

The way I recharge... .having time in house with family... .and no outsiders... .I suppose that's a weakness... .but it's the way I'm wired... .

Well... .the plan is I come home after a long trip... .interview today... .and have time to decompress with my family.  We spoke on phone during trip... .confirmed that is plan... .I told her how much I was looking forward to family time... .tried to be validating... .etc etc.

Well... .I get home... .and the kid is here that she had planned on moving in a while back.  I asked to speak to her privately... .she came up to our room in a huff... .

It went south from there.  I tried to understand how the plan changed... .and she went for powerplay of she is not going to ask my permission to have people over.  I don't own her... .blah blah blah.

It got loud... .I went down to room where the boy is to take him home... .wife is trying to block the door.  She is yelling stuff... .I was triggered. 

I'm going to try to go to bed... .she is downstairs huffing and puffing.  Few minutes of quiet... .then she is making speeches again.

Very frustrating... .this is not a home... .it's a madhouse... .

Sigh... .

Hopefully I can get some sleep... .

FF

[formflier]

It's been a long day here... .last night... .tons of people over... .I handled it ok.

Plan is for lots of people to be over tomorrow night... .social thing wife has set up... .I'm trying to be supportive.

The way I recharge... .having time in house with family... .and no outsiders... .I suppose that's a weakness... .but it's the way I'm wired... .

Well... .the plan is I come home after a long trip... .interview today... .and have time to decompress with my family.  We spoke on phone during trip... .confirmed that is plan... .I told her how much I was looking forward to family time... .tried to be validating... .etc etc.

Well... .I get home... .and the kid is here that she had planned on moving in a while back.  I asked to speak to her privately... .she came up to our room in a huff... .

It went south from there.  I tried to understand how the plan changed... .and she went for powerplay of she is not going to ask my permission to have people over.  I don't own her... .blah blah blah.

It got loud... .I went down to room where the boy is to take him home... .wife is trying to block the door.  She is yelling stuff... .I was triggered. 

I'm going to try to go to bed... .she is downstairs huffing and puffing.  Few minutes of quiet... .then she is making speeches again.

Very frustrating... .this is not a home... .it's a madhouse... .

Sigh... .

Hopefully I can get some sleep... .

FF

[waverider]

How is it for the boy stuck in the middle of this?

How are you at trying not to understand but going into neutral and going with the flow?

Trying to understand when you are wound up is stressful and triggering.

[an0ught]

It sucks when home is not a place to wind down. Introvert myself. I really get it that you want it calm when you need it. 

It is invalidating that she does not take care of your needs and gets in the way of you taking care of your own needs. Problem is you don't have much control over her emotions and what she does. Her taking care of the social side may be a good thing at time but not right now.

Any chance to step out of the house and recharge elsewhere?

[babyducks]

  formflier

When I'm stressed I require more quiet time than normal.  I become more sensitive to sound/noise and external stimulation.   It's how I'm wired.  It's not a weakness because that could sound blaming and blame isn't helpful.  I find it more helpful to think of it as mechanical engineering.

When my partner is stressed, she seems to require more external stimulation.   I'm not sure why.   Maybe so the outside matches the inside?   I dunno.

For a long time it was a real bone of contention between us.  My SO's favorite thing to do when stressed or agitated is to turn on the TV to one of those talking head political shows where they are basically just screeching at each other, AND then turn on the radio to a different channel, and turn the volume up.   Some times she will add the stereo as a third sound source. 

So the practical reality is we are polar opposites when it comes to noise/sound comfort levels and frequently those comfort levels are in conflict.  Neither one of us is right and neither one of us is wrong.   Just is.

The problem I see in your post below,  and please tell me if I got it wrong, is your wife didn't respect your wishes and then turned the tables on you and made it your fault?

Oh yeah that sucks.  I can see why you would be frustrated.   

When I am triggered, I tend to have a hard time identifying it, and then identifying what are all the issues going on with me.

How are you doing now?   I hope you got some rest.

'ducks

[formflier]

How is it for the boy stuck in the middle of this?

Very bad.  He most likely understands I don't want him around.  I've removed all doubt now. 

He is wounded... .dysfunctional kid... .failing at school... .family life is way worse shape than mine.  There is correlation to his being in home and the behavior of my kids getting way worse... .I suspect there is causation.

How are you at trying not to understand but going into neutral and going with the flow?

Usually much better... .but I'm at end of rope... .it's been 10 days or so since I have had time in my house without an outsider in it.  Not this child the entire time... .but me having a "day off" from forced social contact.

The plan was that last night was my "day off"  to get me recharged for her party this evening

Trying to understand when you are wound up is stressful and triggering.

Yes it is... .

[formflier]

It is invalidating that she does not take care of your needs and gets in the way of you taking care of your own needs. Problem is you don't have much control over her emotions and what she does. Her taking care of the social side may be a good thing at time but not right now.

Correct... .absolutely correct.  And... .when my needs/wants have been clearly identified... .plan agreed to so I would be ready for "her thing"... .she choose someone else's needs over mine.  Chose to help someone else

Any chance to step out of the house and recharge elsewhere?

Not really... .going to my parents house is worse than being here.  In other words... .I'd be better off mentally to be a hermit in my room and not come out than go over there.  Unfortunately with job search/unemployment... .money and options for hotels are not in picture.

I had been out of house all day... .driving to interview... .doing interview.  Granted... .that was not "recharging"... .it was draining.  Other social plans had already been made... .wife had zero flexibility to change social plans to help set me up for interview better... .or "recharge" myself.

 

[formflier]

 

The problem I see in your post below,  and please tell me if I got it wrong, is your wife didn't respect your wishes and then turned the tables on you and made it your fault?

Sort of... .the plan was for me to have a "night off" from social contact... .and "just" be family... .so I could be ready for Sunday night's party. (tonight)

First I knew that she had changed sometime was when I walked into my son's room to spend time with him... .and another child is staring at me.

It had been long day... .see my other posts about how long it has been since I have had time in house without someone else here... .

Of course she accuses me of being controlling and not wanting her to ever have anyone over... .I didn't bite on that.

What I bit on was when she got louder and said that she was going to have people over whenever she wanted... .she was not going to ask me... .I don't own her... .etc etc.

Most likely all of that was heard by everyone in house. 

Sigh

[Notwendy]

I'm sorry this is happening. It seems your wife is not respecting your wishes.

I am concerned that the instrument of the power play is the boy. Regardless of his behavior, he is a child. I'm not blaming you. You have made your wishes clear, but your wife allowing him to come over regardless has to be giving him a confused picture.

Having been raised by a mother who did use her own kids for her own purpose, this is concerning to me. I'm sure this boy has enough issues in his own family, and bringing him into the conflict between your wife's bringing him over and you not wanting him there can only add to them, not rescue him. This is not a ministry. It's cruelty.

I understand that you have been away, busy and are all worn out. Neither can you control your wife's actions. However, a child can not process these mixed messages in any objective manner. He doesn't understand BPD or the marital dynamics, nor that you are tired. He may have behavioral problems, but he didn't get to choose his family and it isn't fair to bring him to a family where he isn't wanted. I am worried about what this is doing to him.

I also think that for any people living together, having people over needs to be mutually agreed on, and a give and take sometimes. You specifically asked for some alone time. That isn't the same as telling her what to do.

[waverider]

Go buy yourself a kayak and some fishing rods... .perfect for moments like this... .

[formflier]

 

And... .more impacts of my wife "overruling" me on things.

I muddled through church... .and end of year program my kids were in. 

We get home to big farm truck and several agitated neighbors in our front yard. 

There is a dog that lives at our house... .guess what... .against my wishes.  There was a point in time where I didn't clearly say "no"... .and wife claims this is yes... .and now makes me responsible. 

Oldest daughter is in cahoots on this as well.

Dog has history of getting out and chasing cows... .tearing things up.  Wife and daughter are the ones that installed the underground fence... .and have reinstalled... .several times. 

Anyway... .I turned my back on the crowd... .walked inside... .don't know and don' care.  Actually... .I do care... .

Not going to in any way help... .cover for... .whatever... .my wife's head strong behavior on this.

A bunch of doors are being slammed downstairs at the moment... .wife and daughter are yelling at each other... .

2 nights ago... .after last time he got out and got a big cut on him... .I was asked to help hold dog while daughter tried to give him a shot to prevent infection in the cut.  I asked that they hold him in a safer manner... .they  refused.

I unwisely tried to help and dog snapped at me.  I was able to move my hand to avoid being bitten.  So far... .he hasn't bitten anyone.

The last dog that got put down was done so out of a bite and scratch situation... .about a year ago.  Guess what... .after wife and daughter said "it would be fine" and ignored my concerns.

I see that is where this one is going as well... .and don't seem to have any power to stop it... .very frustrating... .

Sigh... .   

[formflier]

  This is not a ministry. It's cruelty.

Unfortunately... .I agree wholeheartedly. 

I am worried about what this is doing to him.

While we will never know what would happen to him if he was left at home alone (one of the things my wife says would happen if she didn't intervene)... .that's not my responsibility.  It's not my family's responsibility.  [/quote]
 

I also think that for any people living together, having people over needs to be mutually agreed on, and a give and take sometimes. You specifically asked for some alone time. That isn't the same as telling her what to do.

The reality... .yesterday would have been the first day... .in a long time that I could have "decompressed" without outsiders. 

[vortex of confusion]

It sounds like you need a man cave that you can escape to when you need time without other people around! 

To me, it sounds like it is an either/or, black/white situation. Is NOT having other people (besides family) around the only way for you to get time to decompress? I know that you would like to have family time with just your wife and kids. With such a large family, is that a realistic expectation? Yes, you want it and need it. How has communicating this to your wife gone so far? It has failed miserably. Are there other ways of getting your needs met that do not require you to rely on your wife?

Do you like to fish or work on cars or something else? Growing up, my dad would go out in the garage and work to get away from my mother. I would wonder out there and hang out with him and we would talk or I would help him with whatever he was doing. Is there something like that you can do on the premises where having the outsiders there won't be as big of a deal to you?

Do you think you could quietly contact the neighbor and tell them to contact animal control if the dog gets out again? I know that is a crappy thing to do but that is what it took for my husband and kids to take me seriously when I told them to not let the dog out and keep an eye on him. I had gone to the grocery store and he had let the kids and the dog go out in the back yard. He wasn't keeping an eye on the dog at all. The dog got out and went over to the neighbor's house. I came home from the store to upset kids and a mad husband. He was trying to tell me that it was the neighbor's fault. Anyway, it got ugly and I still don't know exactly what happened. It wasn't long before animal control showed up and gave us a warning. After that, they took me seriously when I told them to NOT let the dog out. The dog was pooping on the neighbor's porch where their daughter played. I would have been hopping mad too. I didn't have a problem with them after that. Heck, maybe you could contact animal control when your wife and kids are out and about.

[formflier]

When the kid is over here... .it turns into a powerplay of I can't spend time or be in the boys room without him here.

So... .it is another way of driving a wedge between me and kids... .

I looked at the calendar... .thought back a couple weeks about people asking to do things... .wanting things "their way"... .or to be accomodated in some one.

There is one person... .in a house of 9 (1 away at college)... .that has zero examples of it turning out the way requested... .and agreed to. 

My wife's decisions... .are the reason why.  Inability to compromise.

I'm all for tools... .and working on things... .but there is no future in my way or highway.

[Grey Kitty]

You are letting your wife do all the "unreasonable" things and getting stuck by them, as you are unwilling to do "unreasonable" or "irresponsible" things to stand up for your own welfare and your own needs.

You say there is no money for you to stay in a hotel. Do it anyway. Maybe there won't be money for something else later. $30k vanished. That will cover a few hotel nights. (Even if you pick 5-star hotels!)

All attempts I recall to "negotiate" with your wife has been failures.

It may be time for more drastic boundary enforcement.

[vortex of confusion]

When the kid is over here... .it turns into a powerplay of I can't spend time or be in the boys room without him here.

What do your boys want? Do they enjoy hanging out with this kid? If you want to hang out with the boys, would it be possible to take them out and do something with them independent of your wife and the other kid. When I was a kid, my dad would go all sorts of places and announce, "Hey, I am going <fill in the blank>. Who wants to join me?" Without fail, I usually beat him to the truck. That (or going out to the garage) was the only way I could enjoy my dad's company without my mother butting into things. Is there a reason that you can't find other ways of hanging out with your kids? If you find alternatives and work around her, then it is no longer a power play. You circumvented her BS.

There is one person... .in a house of 9 (1 away at college)... .that has zero examples of it turning out the way requested... .and agreed to. 

Haven't you kept score in the past? How did that work for you?

My wife's decisions... .are the reason why.  Inability to compromise.

I'm all for tools... .and working on things... .but there is no future in my way or highway.

One. . .boundaries!

Two. . .get more creative and find ways to work around her. Are there things that you can do to circumvent the need to compromise?

[formflier]

Two. . .get more creative and find ways to work around her. Are there things that you can do to circumvent the need to compromise?

Yeah... .this seems to be the pathway forward... .