Family Functions With The Other Man

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My uBPDx finally left the house almost 15 months ago. That was after the worst 4 months of my life while she still lived with us, pretty much throwing her juvenile r/s in my face and neglecting the kids.

We have joint custody. She wanted to do it unofficially, but I hired a L and filed after convincing her it was the right thing to do. The tools here helped keep the process low conflict. We have joint custody. I was a leaver, but also a stayer in a sense. I did controlled contact while she lived her, as well as utilizing the Joe Carver method of slow detachment (bland, boring, emotionless).

I'very already met the replacement, a randon guy she met when she was out clubbing. Her family threw a party for D3's birthday. Of course he showed up. He's going to officially be their step dad in a couple of weeks when they get married and he moves in.

He politely greeted me, and I returned the favor, but detached. He's 18 years younger than I am. I don't consider him a peer. He also has narcissistic traits. Case in point: I overheard him talking to a cousin's husband and he said, "you have a nice family here. Very spiritual." I felt like interjecting, "me, her, then D1 and S3 were also a nice family, but you saw fit to lust after a waif and help break it up. What's spiritual about that?" I didn't. I didn't even feel that angry. Like my T said about my ex, "she is who she is. Can you accept that?" Yes, and he is who he is, the pseudo Holy Man.

The funny moment, to me, is when D3 was opening presents and her mom turned and said, "Mijo, have you seen my phone?" I thought she was talking to her younger brother, but she was talking to her stbh. Mijo is Spanish for something like "my boy." Calling much younger people or younger brothers is normal. I called her "mija" once in our r/s. She thought it was cute. Then I realized it was weird, so I never did it again. I'm almost 11 years older than her; he's 8 years younger than she is,.and a bit immature for his age. She went from Daddy to Son. Emotionally, they're closer together than we were. That was her choice. As my T said, as much as he disagreed with what she did and thought that she was a very foolish woman, she is an independent entity, free to make her own choices. In retrospect, the whole walking on eggshells experience was me trying to control her feelings by my actions. Though being in a r/s we can certainly contribute to conflict (or not), I am not responsible for her feelings. My mistake was seeing out a r/s which put me in that role.

So where does this leave me? That I made it through 10 hours there emotionally intact means I'm more detached. She only did one rude thing to me, shaking her head and walking away muttering when I asked what she said. Otherwise, we got along. I have 15 more years of this as a co-parent (here I may be fooling myself that I can go mostly NC after the kids graduate from high school). Things change, however. People and their feelings change. Mine have changed,.and they will continue to do so. This August will mark the 2 year date where she said "we're done!" and two weeks later where I caught on that it was because she found her stbh.

This is my reality, and I accept it.

[Turkish]

My uBPDx finally left the house almost 15 months ago. That was after the worst 4 months of my life while she still lived with us, pretty much throwing her juvenile r/s in my face and neglecting the kids.

We have joint custody. She wanted to do it unofficially, but I hired a L and filed after convincing her it was the right thing to do. The tools here helped keep the process low conflict. We have joint custody. I was a leaver, but also a stayer in a sense. I did controlled contact while she lived her, as well as utilizing the Joe Carver method of slow detachment (bland, boring, emotionless).

I'very already met the replacement, a randon guy she met when she was out clubbing. Her family threw a party for D3's birthday. Of course he showed up. He's going to officially be their step dad in a couple of weeks when they get married and he moves in.

He politely greeted me, and I returned the favor, but detached. He's 18 years younger than I am. I don't consider him a peer. He also has narcissistic traits. Case in point: I overheard him talking to a cousin's husband and he said, "you have a nice family here. Very spiritual." I felt like interjecting, "me, her, then D1 and S3 were also a nice family, but you saw fit to lust after a waif and help break it up. What's spiritual about that?" I didn't. I didn't even feel that angry. Like my T said about my ex, "she is who she is. Can you accept that?" Yes, and he is who he is, the pseudo Holy Man.

The funny moment, to me, is when D3 was opening presents and her mom turned and said, "Mijo, have you seen my phone?" I thought she was talking to her younger brother, but she was talking to her stbh. Mijo is Spanish for something like "my boy." Calling much younger people or younger brothers is normal. I called her "mija" once in our r/s. She thought it was cute. Then I realized it was weird, so I never did it again. I'm almost 11 years older than her; he's 8 years younger than she is,.and a bit immature for his age. She went from Daddy to Son. Emotionally, they're closer together than we were. That was her choice. As my T said, as much as he disagreed with what she did and thought that she was a very foolish woman, she is an independent entity, free to make her own choices. In retrospect, the whole walking on eggshells experience was me trying to control her feelings by my actions. Though being in a r/s we can certainly contribute to conflict (or not), I am not responsible for her feelings. My mistake was seeing out a r/s which put me in that role.

So where does this leave me? That I made it through 10 hours there emotionally intact means I'm more detached. She only did one rude thing to me, shaking her head and walking away muttering when I asked what she said. Otherwise, we got along. I have 15 more years of this as a co-parent (here I may be fooling myself that I can go mostly NC after the kids graduate from high school). Things change, however. People and their feelings change. Mine have changed,.and they will continue to do so. This August will mark the 2 year date where she said "we're done!" and two weeks later where I caught on that it was because she found her stbh.

This is my reality, and I accept it.

[Infared]

"This August will mark the 2 year date where she said "we're done!" and two weeks later where I caught on that it was because she found her stbh. "

Mine did the exact same thing to end a 5-yr. live-in relationship.  It was just so abrupt and selfish. I did not know about PD's then. We did not have any children, so your situation is even more devastating and much more difficult to navigate.

It sounds to me like you fared very well considering a very uncomfortable situation with an unhealthy person. Detachment and acceptance is vital for your survival and the well being of the children. Congratulations on bringing some maturity to a very awkward social situation. I doubt that I could have acted accordingly.

[enlighten me]

You seem to be in a better place. Now is where you have your work cut out with the kids. It is a time of a lot of changes for them and as will inevitibly happen her new relationship will break down. This is where you have to be a constant for your children. Never pass judgment on their mum and always be their rock.

You come across as more than capable of doing this.

just remember she is doomed to repeat her cycle and as the kids get older they will pick up on this.

Theres no point getting wound up by our replacements as one day they will be replaced.

[cosmonaut]

I continue to be impressed with how well you have been able to cope with this, Turkish.  I'm not sure I can say with honesty that I'd be as accepting and composed as you have been.  I remember well your posts from a year ago and the tremendous pain you were feeling.  I think we can all relate to that.  You've done some mighty fine work on detaching with grace, though.  I hope that someday when your children are grown they will be able to see and be very proud of how their father handled this.  You've given a lot of love to everyone, Turkish.  That's something you can be very proud about.

Do you feel like you have been able to work through much of your anger at this point?  Do you feel like you are having to repress it when around your ex and the replacement?  I know that you are a fan of stoicism, so I just wonder how you feel about that.  I'm still working through some unresolved anger with my own ex.

[Turkish]

I'm.a fan of stoicism, is it that obvious cosmo? I think this was one trait which resulted in problems with me and my Ex in the beginning. 

I still practice the Joe Carver detachment: bland, boring, emotionless. I think that may have been what triggered her early in the afternoon. Her moods can switch quickly, and we had a brief, friendly conversation later. It was my custodial weekend with the kids; I didn't have to bring them. I did what was best for them.  The weekend before didn't work because she had an all day training for her MLM scheme (priorities), but she had asked me if I were willing to bring them on my weekend, and I said, "no problem."

A couple of her cousins and uncles seemed surprised when I said I was taking them home that night, and I told them it was my weekend. Maybe someone thought, "what a great guy!" But I didn't do it to get in good with them. I did it because it was the right thing to do. Even my uBPDx thanked me. There's nothing wrong with mercy as long as you have boundaries as well. I now what I do now can still influence whether things are better or worse. It's still a r/s in a way. No, it is. I think things will change again once they move in together after they get married any week now, but I can't fight the future.

D3 cried for Mommy tonight (S5 never did or does, he just asks which day he is going to be with either of us). I took down one picture of then S1 I had in their room. The kds haven't noticed. I've kepy a collage that my exBIL and his gf made of us from pics from facebook. The pics are overlain on carboard initials of the kids' first names. They gave them to us Christmas of 2013. I felt like crying, they were so beautiful. My Ex left them here. Who would have known six months later it all started unraveling.  :'(