BPD (waif) Ex girlfriend - 1 1/2 months out - want her back

[JRT]

Stay strong... .this will pass

I hear what you're saying but I'm starting to doubt it... .her absence makes my heart grow fonder, and although I started seeing things as they were rather then what I thought they were through my rose-colored glasses... .When we had our last fight (one before the b/u) when she took a day for herself I told her how much it tormented me and in how much pain I was and she didn't even bother reassuring me, telling me it's ok, anything - I think in her mind it was a punishment I deserved to "learn my lesson" (for a minor argument that almost turned into a b/u on her end). She learned that was my sore spot and used it again - this time on a larger scale. and she will again I do love her, dammit, and I am willing to give it another go - it was way too short to begin with... .personally I would be willing to give mine another go as well... .but it cannot be without the condition of, say, seeing a therapist or recognizing how much pain and hurt she caused... .remember: YOU are willing to try again. Meanwhile, she is sick and doesn't want to admit it or get the helps she needs. What is the anticipated outcome under this scenario? How about it you wait? How about if you wait, she realizes her problem and then seeks treatment?

Found out I have a "pattern" - I mostly feel good throughout the day when you are busy and your mind is occupied? , but then after sunset when I'm home I start missing her so much... .I just want to share my day with her, hear about what she's been up to, she small-talk... .I miss it the most... .sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, look over to the empty pillow beside me and imagine she's laying there... .be busy and occupy your mind. Do you sight read? I sight read with my instrument at night and it workls like a charm. I don't think about her at all when I am reading and I usually fall asleep holding my guitar

NC - been 4 days and counting... .I find this place a safe haven for my pain... .thanks, guys... . 

[maxen]

Had a busy day today, spent the day working (got a new job at a gas station, weekend shifts included), felt good... .then thought about her, started getting heartaches, pain running up and down my arm... .a "mini panic-attack" if you will... .met with my dad to support him through his difficult time (recent separation from my mom)... .

wow Bass you have so much going on. the news about the job is great! and the panic attacks, while awful, come with the territory. i got them myself for the first time in my life after my pwBPD experience. don't discount medication if it comes to that. but to have your dad in a situation too can only add to the whirlwind. all strength to you both.

i'm glad you see that you have patterns. this won't make the pain too much lighter, but at least you know what's coming and you can try to roll with it (as best you can). don't suppress it, that just makes it worse, let it come as it comes.

[Bassoutcast]

JRT - I didn't say it'll be unconditional. I'm not going to "suck it up" and take all the blame like I did before. I love that girl with all my heart but she does need to go to therapy and get back on her medication - because as soon as she stopped taking them all hell broke loose... .

I keep myself locked away in my room with my bass or a good book, or just take my dog on a long walk (he's chubby, needs the exercise), it does help, in a way.

maxen - Life's rough but I'm always looking at the bright side. Learned not to be paranoid about things, that'll help me greatly, especially if my ex comes back (or basically in any r/s. being clingy and paranoid is not attractive).

I have hope, I will go on. I'll post here when I'm down, it helps a lot... .

[Bassoutcast]

Was sweeping the balcony, the wind kept messing it up, got into a fit of rage, started screaming, broke the broom in half (even while it was going my rational side thought "what the hell are you doing?", threw it away, then a "switch" popped in my head and I got really depressed, hugged my dog and quietly pet him... .still depressed... .it comes with a headache... .what is it that I'm experiencing? It's been coming and going for years now... .

[Bassoutcast]

Broke NC uuughhhhh... .I got a headache, my blood started rushing, my heart started pounding... .I'm an addict... .

[JRT]

Go easy on yourself... .many of us do... .what happened?

[Bassoutcast]

Go easy on yourself... .many of us do... .what happened?

Just checked up on her profiles, nothing too big, at least I haven't made any direct contact like sending her a request on Instagram or a text. I know better then that. a moment of weakness that's all... .

She again tried to get my attention though... .and she logged off AS SOON as I logged in... .weeeird... .

I feel ashamed of myself... .but it just shows me how much of an addiction this is... .

[JRT]

Go easy on yourself... .many of us do... .what happened?

Just checked up on her profiles, nothing too big, at least I haven't made any direct contact like sending her a request on Instagram or a text. I know better then that. a moment of weakness that's all... .

She again tried to get my attention though... .and she logged off AS SOON as I logged in... .weeeird... .

I feel ashamed of myself... .but it just shows me how much of an addiction this is... .

Don't go too hard on yourself... .we have all done it there is no doubt... .go do something good for yourself today... .,.spoil yourself... .have you considered blocking her? That would send her the message that needs to be sent AND it will establish a true NC environment for you... .its something to consider and it not permanent.

[Bassoutcast]

Spoiled myself, bought some snacks, played the blues, watching a movie... .feels better.

I don't block people, plus it's as easy to unblock them as it is to block them. and it's not like she's harassing me or bombarding me with texts, she's just trying to fish for my attention - but I'm not going to react. that sends a clear message as it is. Plus - her sister and parents have my number, she can just as easily look for my online activity with their phones - and I don't have her parents' numbers anymore so I can't block them, and then there's our mutual friend... .it'll be impossible to truly block her.

I think just not reacting sends a clear message, like "I'm not living my life according to your antics". Right now I've been frequently pursuing her, and it's been about 1 1/2 weeks since I've made any attempts of "contact" (be it direct or trying to fish for attention). Maybe she's waiting for the concert, anticipating for me to ask her out ... .not gonna do that. If she does all of this so I can "learn a lesson" or something (probably about giving her space) - then she'll see I changed and will contact me. Whatever it is - I'm not going to think much into it and try to keep the NC going. Not reacting to her attention fishing is hard enough as it is.

Little by little, I'm getting my head straight... .