How to not be rude?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Any advice on how not to be rude to Bpd parent. I try to be as kind as humanly possible but, hs constant nice guy/demon spawn act drives me insane. I am sick of putting up with bull. I refuse to talk to ex on the phone becasue that is when he tries to act nice. Through email he acts abusive. How do I keep sane?

[JayApril]

Any advice on how not to be rude to Bpd parent. I try to be as kind as humanly possible but, hs constant nice guy/demon spawn act drives me insane. I am sick of putting up with bull. I refuse to talk to ex on the phone becasue that is when he tries to act nice. Through email he acts abusive. How do I keep sane?

[Turkish]

Hi JayApril,

What's your custody situation like, and how much contact with him do you have to have? How long have you been split?

Turkish

[JayApril]

I have sole custody, he never petitions for custody or visitation. I dont ever contact him, but he contacts me slyly starting arguements. It is almost as if he is checking in on me. Never asking about our son though.

[Turkish]

I have sole custody, he never petitions for custody or visitation. I don't ever contact him, but he contacts me slyly starting arguments. It is almost as if he is checking in on me. Never asking about our son though.

This sounds like it's about boundaries on your side then. If you don't ever have to have contact, then block. Do you think you would be unsafe or he would escalate if you stop acknowledging his messages?

He's triggering you by being abusive. It might feel like you are still in the relationship. Sometimes the winning move is to not play the game. Though I still co-parent (I have joint custody), this article really helped me detach from unnecessary communication. I was, and still try to be, bland, boring and emotionless:

Article 10: Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

This may help, too, to distance yourself from the slyly started arguments:

Arguing - don't engage

When a challenge is presented (the gauntlet is thrown down) - people who chose to fight do so for a few reasons: because they believe they can win, or to defend themselves or someone they care about. Our disordered loved ones present this option to us all the time. We are constantly having the gauntlet thrown at our feet. We just haven't learned to see it as such, therefore we weren't aware that we have a choice on whether we wish to pick it up or not.

Choice is a funny thing. Sometimes it's hard to see that you have one. Kind of like the bird that finally has the cage door thrown open, they don't recognize that they now have a chance for freedom. We need to recognize that we do have choices in how we respond to things. We don't HAVE to argue. We don't HAVE to discuss things. We don't HAVE to stay to be abused. We don't HAVE to stay awake. We don't HAVE to engage in intimacies.

For written communications, emails or texts, we have a tool here which can also help. Let me know what you think:

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

[JayApril]

Yes, I feel like he would try to hurt me or my son if I stopped talking to him. Or, that if we ever did go to court I would somehow look bad infront of a jugde because I cut off contact with him. I have clearly stated my boundaries before, but suppose there needs to be some sort of consequence for violating them? I apologize if I am not making sense.

[Turkish]

Yes, I feel like he would try to hurt me or my son if I stopped talking to him. Or, that if we ever did go to court I would somehow look bad infront of a jugde because I cut off contact with him. I have clearly stated my boundaries before, but suppose there needs to be some sort of consequence for violating them? I apologize if I am not making sense.

The court would probably be concerned with the legality of visitation as it's written in the custody order. If there is no provision for contact, then that is that.

If so, the leaving article is good, as it's a way to slowly detach and set boundaries. If you fear for your safety, however, that is a valid concern. Was there an indication or were there actions of domestic violence while you were together? It never hurts to have a safety plan (see here).

[JayApril]

Thank you for your links, they have really helped.

[LeonVa]

@JayApril, I'm in similar situation just earlier today, and thanks @Turkish for the link,  I really tried to be emotionless, but still get triggered when my exWife started accusing me of this and that earlier today, I became passive aggressive. Really should have read the article first.

Hope you are feeling okay @JayApril. Stay strong.  

[JayApril]

Thank you I am taking it day by day really. I have just done no contact, so I am free. But, I am still struggling with PTSD. Thanks so much for caring, no one else understands what its like to hav a BPD in your life, I have got two

[Davef]

Great to know that Im not alone here. I go out of my way to be pleasant and show respect to my ex wife only to receive the opposite from her. However I have told my daughters that I can only do it for so long as I do not want them to think that its ok for her to do that.  She is constantly trying to get a reaction from me but I grin and bit my tongue. Please tells me it gets easier with time. She is now starting to limit access during the week as she is accusing me of trying to brainwash them. Keep smiling I say no matter how hard it gets.

[JayApril]

However I have told my daughters that I can only do it for so long as I do not want them to think that its ok for her to do that.  She is constantly trying to get a reaction from me but I grin and bit my tongue. Please tells me it gets easier with time. She is now starting to limit access during the week as she is accusing me of trying to brainwash them. Keep smiling I say no matter how hard it gets. [/quote]
Unfortunately love, it does not. They will always be bat butter crazy. but managing your feelings does get better. My anger is subsiding and I am starting to find my ex's behavior kind of funny. I have learned that only talking to my ex when there is an extreme emergancy is key. (Hospital, Death) Preserve what is left of your sanity.

It is good that you tell your daughters that her behavior is not acceptable. That mght also validate their feelings towards her in their own peronal feelings as well. And you are ever alone here.

The brainwashing claim is due to the fact that she can not trigger you, so she needs to get a rise out of you another way by using your lovelies as pawns. If you have a custody order and ahe is violating it because, often they do bring it to a judges attention.

[livednlearned]

One technique that helped me keep my sanity was the BIFF approach developed by Bill Eddy (who wrote Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing an NPD/BPD Spouse).

BIFF:

Brief: Keep it brief. Long explanations and arguments trigger upsets for high conflict personalities.

Informative: Focus on straight information, not arguments, opinions, emotions, or defending yourself (you don’t need to).

Friendly: have a friendly greeting if you can (such as “Thanks for responding to my request”); close with a friendly comment (such as “Have a good weekend”).

Firm: Have your response end the conversation. Or give two choices on an issue and ask for a reply by a certain date.

The more you write, the bigger a target there is for them to aim at. Use your judgment about your particular situation.

I found it helped to focus on this recipe for responding because it gave me something to do. In my situation, the practice of BIFF came first, and then the total detachment seemed to follow. I also started to write all my emails using N/BPDx's name to humanize him, and signed all of my emails. One time I accidentally wrote "Hi N/BPDx" and he completely flipped out and accused me of having someone else write my emails for me.   But I kept using his name because he's the father of my child and I refused to let his behavior make mine suffer.

We also have some other stuff about this on the Coparenting board under Lesson 3, so you can see some other responses to similar challenges:

How to "ex" communicate:

Tension between parents, whether together or divorced, creates anxiety for the children as well as

the parents. To significantly reduce or entirely eliminate the anxiety for all of the family the parents should follow two simple rules for the first two years, in order to control the communication and contact between the parents. Number one: Eliminate all face-to-face communication between the parents (including telephone contact), for a minimum of two years. Number two: All communication should be done in writing, using a memo format to communicate.

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/stacer.pdf

Dealing with Hostile Communication After the Divorce

During divorce and beyond, hostile emails are common. Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger, authors of the book "Splitting," came up with something called the B.I.F.F. method for responding to them. Blamers love sending these hostile messages and use them to attack you, your family and friends, and professionals. It’s extremely tempting to respond the same way. Hostile e-mail has also become huge in family court, as a document used to show someone’s bad behavior. While you are encouraged to save copies of hostile e-mail sent to you, it is very important that you not send hostile e-mails to anyone. They will be used against you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0

[Mcgddss]

It never gets easier.  But, I am at the point where I really feel sorry for my uBPDex.

He really is an incomplete person.  The fact that he is still angry almost two years out from our split shows how bad things are for him.

[Davef]

Hey folks dropped my daughter off and greeted my wife with a big smile and a big hello. Watched everything I said and it seemed to do the trick. Of course she keeps asking for stuff and kept telling me that I had serious issues and that I really needed to see someone. Normally that was a trigger point but I bit my tongue and said yes and smiled. I have just given the go ahead to my solicitor to start legal proceedings as we are two years separated and Im starting to come around to the idea that it will never work no matter how much I try. I am seeking shared parenting as I have four daughters and I do not want to look back in 10 years and say I should have done more for them. I cannot let her bully me or let her teach beautiful girls her screwed way of life. 

[JayApril]

Dave: Pats on the back for you love. Dont let her trigger you. And how great of you to stand up for our daughters, they will thank you for that later on.

As for me no contact is still going on strong, and working great! No stress! No problems! I have gotten over the gear of him doing something cazy for attention. Or, going to court in order to retaliate, if so bring it is the attitude I have now. I am taking back my life, refuse to play games.

[Davef]

It is great to take my life back, to even bring them over to lfamily without worrying what will happen.  They are here with me now all relaxed and calm. Feel complete