Poll: How did you handle relationship memorabilia? Why?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

sometimes i read members talking about burning or trashing media and memorabilia post relationship and i wonder if there isnt unnecessary pain involved in doing so. i answer that by reminding myself that individuals decide what is necessary and beneficial to their healing, and i think thats evident. its symbolic, its a big step, and a marker in a persons recovery. i kept all pictures and written exchanges as ive done in any relationship. ive never looked at them since i put them away, and its hard to imagine when/if i ever will, but i decided that to dispose of them would be to attempt to erase something that one day id have no trouble acknowledging. but thats me. im interested in hearing the thoughts of others on the matter.

if you disposed of memorabilia, what was your method? ie trashing, burning, etc. whyd you do it? what did it mean to you to do this, in regard to the decision made, and after you did it?

if you didnt, why? are you still looking? why? have you otherwise put them away? what did it mean to you to do this in regard to the decision made, and after you did it?

[once removed]

sometimes i read members talking about burning or trashing media and memorabilia post relationship and i wonder if there isnt unnecessary pain involved in doing so. i answer that by reminding myself that individuals decide what is necessary and beneficial to their healing, and i think thats evident. its symbolic, its a big step, and a marker in a persons recovery. i kept all pictures and written exchanges as ive done in any relationship. ive never looked at them since i put them away, and its hard to imagine when/if i ever will, but i decided that to dispose of them would be to attempt to erase something that one day id have no trouble acknowledging. but thats me. im interested in hearing the thoughts of others on the matter.

if you disposed of memorabilia, what was your method? ie trashing, burning, etc. whyd you do it? what did it mean to you to do this, in regard to the decision made, and after you did it?

if you didnt, why? are you still looking? why? have you otherwise put them away? what did it mean to you to do this in regard to the decision made, and after you did it?

[Turkish]

I think everyone needs to do what's best for them. I burned a few pics on my back porch. I kept others. I recently took down a pic of us with S5, then S0, in the kids' room. D3 seemed to be triggered by it. I've keep other things up in their room.

I haven't cleaned my FB (though I blocked her) except for one photo at the top of an album which kept showing up in my feed. I'm too lazy to keep a physical album. I keep everything for the kids later.

I'm a big fan of burning. Maybe it's a nod to my pyro stage as a kid  

Do what you feel is best for you. Whatever you do, it's validating yourself.

[fromheeltoheal]

I got rid of everything because I considered the relationship a mistake and I get rid of all of my mistakes.  Plus I was trying to erase her, which didn't work, the memories are still there, they just don't have any power anymore, but at the time I was pissed and wanted her completely gone.  I don't regret purging, there was no point in keeping anything, and in a way it's allowed the memories to shift and change so I can feel some compassion for her, where keeping reminders would have kept things more static for me.

[Skip]

I'm more sentimental than not and I don't like to destroy things, in general, its part of my personal values.

I boxed the memorabilia and stored it with the least amount of emotional energy as possible and put it in an out of the way place.  I didn't want to stress over it in any way (like sorting through it and deciding what to keep) or have guilt for acting childish and breaking things.

Later (4 years), I returned some things back into service. Things I appreciate.

I look back at it all as a chapter in my life that had a beginning and an end.  I chose to remember the best parts with the undertone that that they weren't as meaningful as I thought at the time, but exciting and warm nonetheless. I liked the way I felt at that time.  I processed and then minimized the bad times - I didn't want to become bitter or calloused. I wanted to learn. She was who she was. I could have walked away on at any day I chose.  Yes, she was the one with the struggles, but I own the relationship as much as her. And I own lack of emotional availability I had in the year following the end of the relationship.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair ~ Dickens

Note: Neither of us rebounded into another relationship, there was no sexual infidelity (but she had some indiscretions), there was no marriage/divorce/custody matters, and there were no police related events. Any of these might have significantly changed my perspective.

[JRT]

Interesting that after 2 years, there really wasn't much there. She had left a ton of stuff behind that was personal property and not memorabilia that I tried to return (long story)... .but there was very little else. Many pictures, but having destroyed them in past r/s's, I have always regretted doing this... .I have kept the photos but they are stored wit the exception of one: it is her after a significant weight gain, not made up and wearing very unflattering clothes/bad hair do. I look at THAT one every now and again :-)

[once removed]

turkish, i didnt have a pyro phase per se, but i can recall the days of my friends and i destroying inanimate objects and it included burning     so i gather youve eliminated (burned) some things but not others. "I haven't cleaned my FB (though I blocked her) except for one photo at the top of an album which kept showing up in my feed. I'm too lazy to keep a physical album. I keep everything for the kids later."   all the shared facebook photos of ours are in my photos and i dont intend to remove them any time soon. id consider it in the future. you mentioned you kept things for the kids later. ill elaborate, but i agree with that move.

fromheeltoheal, i think if id purged, i probably wouldnt regret it either. what was your method of purging? am i correct in reading that to some extent you purge after each relationship?

skip, that pretty much sums it up for me too. i think my parents set some example here. they have memorabilia from all aspects of their life including romantic relationships. its not something theyve made a display of, its not something that induces or is used to induce jealousy in the other. im glad that they have it. im glad i have mine, from all of my relationships. i consider it a value too.

jrt, ive got a long story about trying to return stuff myself . i didnt gather what you did with the stuff you tried to return.

there were plenty of things i did dispose of. a bunch of clothing and sundries. none of which hold any relevance to my relationship and all of which i either had no problem disposing of or was eager to dispose of. trash and donation was the method. any personal communication or gift or whatever else is either: stored in a box, on an old broken cell phone, or in email archives id have trouble accessing if i wanted to.

"I think ever one needs to do what's best for them."

i still believe this is the rub. its not unlike the debate on NC/LC/etC. i guess i worry about x person who might feel pressured to banish any and all thoughts of their ex. like fromheeltoheal mentioned, that mentality doesnt much work. but at some time out, it doesnt necessarily mean youll regret it either, and its hardly wrong. its a legitimate turning point for many. neither is genuinely putting aside, and archiving part of a relationship. for that matter its not "wrong" at any given stage in recovery to pour over it. reading over recent texts helped me detach. im not sure that reading over three years of texts would have helped me detach.

[runningup]

Got everything she ever bought me, clothes, items, etc etc, boxed it all up and dropped it on her new doorstep where she is living with guy she cheated on me with. All I have left is photos on my computer.

I don't pocess a single item she ever got me, or anything of hers. She took a lot of my stuff also, and refuses to return it, so I am extending the same favour.

[Skip]

"I think ever one needs to do what's best for them."

This is really the bottom line.  The more we can help each other see the tradeoffs and how each of us made these decisions and what that experience brought us... .the more insight we give each other.

Relationship are very personal - learning how to find our true selves (not our impulsive / wounded selves) in the way we resolve them - learning how to reach for that next level of emotional maturity (just like we reach at the gym for greater strength, or how we reach in our professions) if that is a personal goal.

[Turkish]

I have two mugs with pics of us on them. I'm keeping them though she abandoned quite a bit of stuff in my house, including things she had before our r/s, I thought, "was it really that traumatizing that I needed to do the same as her?" No.

The one and only picture burning session I had was with a friend, a youth I used To mentor in the program where I met my Ex. She never purged mutual FB friends (neither did I). He said, "that picture pisses me off because I saw the exact same pic with her and the new guy." It was of me handing her a flower and kissing her. I remember thinking at the time, "this feels staged." It probably was. The r/s was more real later on, which is why I keep the mugs.

[zundertowz]

I got rid of it all in the trash... .totally blocked and no contact... .the only way to go is cold turkey!  Or its just like a scab you keep picking at.

[zundertowz]

Got everything she ever bought me, clothes, items, etc etc, boxed it all up and dropped it on her new doorstep where she is living with guy she cheated on me with. All I have left is photos on my computer.

I don't pocess a single item she ever got me, or anything of hers. She took a lot of my stuff also, and refuses to return it, so I am extending the same favour.

Mine also tried to keep all of my belongings till i threatned her with the cops like she did to me so manyy times... .i wonder why they wanted to keep everything?

[once removed]

ill share one thing im unhappy about and it might always bug me.

i engaged in the attempt to exchange stuff for around two months. looking back theres one thing and only one thing i care about at all. im a musician, and i record any little ditty i think is worth recording. at the time, i did so to a cell phone. i must have run out of space or something because my ex recommended i transfer them to her computer and i did. if i could get anything back, itd be those clips.

there are a few ways with which i get past this though. mainly the fact that digitally speaking, you can lose any similar information at any time. ive lost plenty of stuff, all kinds of memorabilia both personal and interpersonal to failed hard drives or the fact that ive had half a dozen laptops and its tough to keep up.

a lot of the clips, i think the most important of the clips, i remember, or theyll see their way through future clips. but skip and i agree, we are sentimental. id like to have this stuff of mine, unrelated to the relationship, to sift through at some point. i cant and i wont. that wasnt easy to accept. it especially wasnt easy to accept without blaming it on a personality disorder. "digital" memories have some advantages that "analog" memories do not, but theyre frankly every bit as susceptible.

[once removed]

zundertowz, i think there are three things worth considering here.

1. many of us want to keep everything, for any given reason. a lot of us decide that this means, inevitably, our exBPD will reengage us and we want to be prepared. it does not mean that, whether it was at one point their intention or not.

2. we all struggle with detachment. pwBPD are no different in their struggle, they just might differ in their method. pwBPD also have a greater struggle with object constancy than we do. im curious if you ever saw your ex do anything like this while you were together, ie borrow or hang onto some clothing. its essentially the same thing.

3. but looking at it through "non" lens, as much as i wanted to use our exchange of things as closure, it would not have been easy on me. i think its reasonable to conclude it would not have been easy on my ex either. she decided shed prefer not to go through it. since i wont be sueing her over some cell phone song clips, or some music videos, thats a reasonable decision and hers to make. my lesson in that is, at the very least, if i intend to break up with someone, i should obtain anything id want should the relationship come to a dramatic end. pwBPD struggle with object constancy issues and the sense of abandonment. apply that to what it would have meant for your pwBPD to engage in the exchange of stuff, and its easier to see from their end.

[once removed]

"Got everything she ever bought me, clothes, items, etc etc, boxed it all up and dropped it on her new doorstep where she is living with guy she cheated on me with. All I have left is photos on my computer.

I don't pocess a single item she ever got me, or anything of hers. She took a lot of my stuff also, and refuses to return it, so I am extending the same favour."

runningup, what i dont differ with is your method. but did i read this right? you dont possess a single item she ever got you or anything of hers? if theres a positive memory i have about my ex, she was an outstanding gift giver, and i mean, outstanding. good lord, on every gift giving opportunity, she gave me something that, if id not been sitting there wanting it, i could sure as heck use it; it was flattering and useful. it is one of her best qualities, and i feel like it kept gift giving between us at some healthy level of competition or more accurately, inspiration. ive mentioned being a recording musician; she got me this cool microphone that made the entire process easier, and really instigated my process toward making serious recordings. i remain thankful for that.

where i am confused with your story is: you dropped off stuff; she refused to do so, so you are returning the favor.

[Infared]

I sent a childhood Polaroid of her back in a plain envelope as it was irreplaceable cute photo. I am a decent , thoughtful person.

The rest of anything... .got thrown in the garbage.  This person lied to me, cheated on me and abandoned me for a new imagined white knight. Then she/they), acted-out in public in a cruel immature way to try and hurt me emotionally any chance that they got.

I realize that the person is sick, but why would I want to remember that? Actually, I will always remember that, but why keep triggers of such a painful experience? No thanks.

[Deeno02]

All in the donation can. There was a shirt I really liked that she had bought, so I bought another, just a different color and donated all the rest. Pictures? we had a 16 month R/S and there were only 3 pics of us in that whole time. Should have found that odd but didnt til later on.

[zundertowz]

zundertowz, i think there are three things worth considering here.

1. many of us want to keep everything, for any given reason. a lot of us decide that this means, inevitably, our exBPD will reengage us and we want to be prepared. it does not mean that, whether it was at one point their intention or not.

2. we all struggle with detachment. pwBPD are no different in their struggle, they just might differ in their method. pwBPD also have a greater struggle with object constancy than we do. im curious if you ever saw your ex do anything like this while you were together, ie borrow or hang onto some clothing. its essentially the same thing.

3. but looking at it through "non" lens, as much as i wanted to use our exchange of things as closure, it would not have been easy on me. i think its reasonable to conclude it would not have been easy on my ex either. she decided shed prefer not to go through it. since i wont be sueing her over some cell phone song clips, or some music videos, thats a reasonable decision and hers to make. my lesson in that is, at the very least, if i intend to break up with someone, i should obtain anything id want should the relationship come to a dramatic end. pwBPD struggle with object constancy issues and the sense of abandonment. apply that to what it would have meant for your pwBPD to engage in the exchange of stuff, and its easier to see from their end.

I dunno everytime I was kicked out somehow I couldnt find my walet and my paperwork.  Seems like she was trying to make my life as diffucult as possible... .she didnt want me but she also wanted to ruin my life on the way out.

[leftconfused]

I didn't and don't get rid of my memories.  I still have all our pics etc on memory cards and computer.  I put away everything else out of sight so I'm not reminded of it.

However, I did have a couple of his shirts and shorts and a cookbook he left and two weeks ago had a bonfire in my firepit.  It was the MOST empowering thing I had done so far!  I enjoyed it.  It was sort of cathardic.

[DyingLove]

Did anyone take back jewelry or rings?

I had given her TWO rings the first Christmas we were together, and right around b/u time she couldn't find one... .and shortly after she stopped wearing the one that she did have.  Well I located the first and when I left, I took them both with me as well as the wedding band I used to wear. This is another reason (her taking them off and not wearing them) to justify "___ should I even care about her!"  ___ me off.  This is going in my CONS list.

[JRT]

Did anyone take back jewelry or rings?

I had given her TWO rings the first Christmas we were together, and right around b/u time she couldn't find one... .and shortly after she stopped wearing the one that she did have.  Well I located the first and when I left, I took them both with me as well as the wedding band I used to wear. This is another reason (her taking them off and not wearing them) to justify "What the heck should I even care about her!"  Pisses me off.  This is going in my CONS list.

Interesting... .I couldn't get her engagement ring built before the trip we took that I propose on so I bought a cheapo silver band to use as a stand in. She kept it as well as some sappy cards that she wrote me that I put up on the fridge. The ring had zero value so it was very surprising to me that she kept it. Had I been in any position to break up with someone and REALLY consider it to be final, I would have left the ring as a symbol of its finality (especially if it had no value).

[DyingLove]

Did anyone take back jewelry or rings?

I had given her TWO rings the first Christmas we were together, and right around b/u time she couldn't find one... .and shortly after she stopped wearing the one that she did have.  Well I located the first and when I left, I took them both with me as well as the wedding band I used to wear. This is another reason (her taking them off and not wearing them) to justify "___ should I even care about her!"  ___ me off.  This is going in my CONS list.

Interesting... .I couldn't get her engagement ring built before the trip we took that I propose on so I bought a cheapo silver band to use as a stand in. She kept it as well as some sappy cards that she wrote me that I put up on the fridge. The ring had zero value so it was very surprising to me that she kept it. Had I been in any position to break up with someone and REALLY consider it to be final, I would have left the ring as a symbol of its finality (especially if it had no value).

Prior to the ring thingie... .I had a bunch of cards she had given me over the course of our relationship.  I gave them all back to her.  They said things like I love you and from your wife Mrs. (my last name) and lots of other terms of endearment.  I wanted her to just see and read them.  Well they were on the table and she spilled a bottle of water (not on purpose) on everything... .table on her side was a M*E*S*S!  So she grabbed it all and threw it right in the kitchen garbage where it stayed.  She didn't even give a crap.  ___!  Is there any wonder why we can't stand these people at times!

[Skip]

Hey guys - you realize that this is a conversation of how WE handle memorabilia - not how our exes should have handled memorabilia to meet our expectations.

In codependent relationships, the line between them and us is very blurry.  We are equally responsible for that blur. Do you see the crossover?

Its hard. It won't go away over night.  But see it.  It will help.

[StarOfTheSea]

I kept the few items he bought me because I use them a lot. So in my mind, they're 'mine'. When I moved out I left him the necklace he gave me for Christmas and a book he had purchased and wrote in for me when I was pregnant. I kept a photo of us and that's in my baby's memory box. He looks like a totally different person (evil and unstable) now so it doesn't upset me to see the photo I kept. Plus I thought it would be sad to not have one photo of my child's father.

He still has a piece of artwork I made, some DVDs of mine and a piece of pottery that I bought before we met. I thought it was strange that he didn't return the art to me since the last I know it was still hanging in the living room. 

[Fr4nz]

sometimes i read members talking about burning or trashing media and memorabilia post relationship and i wonder if there isnt unnecessary pain involved in doing so. i answer that by reminding myself that individuals decide what is necessary and beneficial to their healing, and i think thats evident. its symbolic, its a big step, and a marker in a persons recovery. i kept all pictures and written exchanges as ive done in any relationship. ive never looked at them since i put them away, and its hard to imagine when/if i ever will, but i decided that to dispose of them would be to attempt to erase something that one day id have no trouble acknowledging. but thats me. im interested in hearing the thoughts of others on the matter.

if you disposed of memorabilia, what was your method? ie trashing, burning, etc. whyd you do it? what did it mean to you to do this, in regard to the decision made, and after you did it?

if you didnt, why? are you still looking? why? have you otherwise put them away? what did it mean to you to do this in regard to the decision made, and after you did it?

Basically I do the same: I store the memorabilia and put it away; or I keep it where it is. I do this since I know that, one day, that stuff won't hurt me anymore and, maybe, it will remember some good old times. And, in my opinion, it is also a sign of interior strenght.

I acknowledge, however, that initially it may be difficult to have memoriabilia around (trigger), so everyone should adopt the solution which is better for himself.

[jhkbuzz]

At first I left up our pictures for when my SD came over, but the minute she headed back to college I took them down.

I don't want to trash the pictures on my computer because my SD is in a lot of them.  Plus, it was 8 years of my life.

In the end, the question is kind of moot for me since I live in the house we shared - in the beginning, EVERYTHING was like memorabilia. I'm 8 months out now and doing waaaaaaaaaaay better - hardly triggered by any of it.

[shatterd]

burnd it... .all of it... .to ash... .like 7 times over and 3 more times to make sure 

[cosmonaut]

I've kept everything.  I'm a sentimental person by nature, but I was also deeply in love with my ex.  She was once the most important person in the world to me.  For me, keeping everything is the right thing to do.  I have all of it stored away - it's triggering for me.  But it was a special time in my life, and I suppose I don't want to just erase that.

[shatterd]

ya   i kept mt ex wifes too for many years... .i didnt like the triggering anymore... .i coodnt let for good if i was still keeping her around   

[myself]

I look back at it all as a chapter in my life that had a beginning and an end.  

Yes, me too, and it's helped lead to better acceptance of the bigger picture.

As far as the original question here, I got rid of the things that didn't matter like things she left behind that I knew she wouldn't need or be coming back for (toothbrushes and so on), but kept the more personal things like photos and letters, gifts that mean(t) a lot, etc. It hasn't been about erasing her from my life, it's more a process of living/going on without her in my life.

[once removed]

so far, at twenty eight voters, the decision has been pretty split. looking at disposed everything vs hid everything, it is tied. i think the votes and the comments just reiterate the fact that there is no right or wrong answer here. everyone has suggested their action was best for them. i see no regrets. which might bring up another question. anybody regret their actions?

thanks all for sharing. hope it keeps up.