Too Good to be True

[Notwendy]

I did read that book and it was interesting, but also an emotional book to read. I think my mother is a combination queen/waif. Mostly Queen but she could also be waify- and it is very pitiful to see her when she is like that. It is hard to classify my father as well, but I know he made a lot of effort to make her happy.

It is interesting that your close friend is waif, because I have a hard time being around women who act either Queen or waify. Although I don't find their actions to be pleasant, I admittedly am also a bit jealous of them. I found that I had to make a huge effort to get affection/attention at home and event the slightest thing that displeased her could be considered inexcusable by my parents. Yet my mother could do horrible things like rage at my father and he'd still adore her. It didn't seem fair, however, I know that I would not want to be like her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[DearBFF]

Notwendy, I completely get what you're saying about feeling like you feel that you have to make a huge effort to get affection/attention.   The waif most definitely is especially frustrating, for me to explain it to my friend especially because she hates to be seen as waif, but it is the one that fits her  most.  She puts on a bravado of not needing anyone, but anyone who is close kind of is overwhelmed by the feeling that she really has a hard time taking care of herself.  It is frustrating to watch and I have even talked her through getting out of bed and putting on clothes one day just to get her going.  Some days I feel like that, down like I don't want to do anything, but I know I cannot reach out to ask her for help because she has enough to deal with on her own.  It would just be so nice for her to not only feel like she is capable of taking care of herself, but to see her really do it.  Just putting on the mask of it doesn't make it a reality.

I'm having some issues with hubby right now and trying to work through them.  Part of it for me is not feeling the affection/attention I would like, which is interesting as when things were good with BFF I felt this immensely which is one of the pluses of a someone with BPD; their passion is palpable.  My husband has never been an emotional person, and he is not good at empathy/compassion and seeing things from my point of view.  I have just recently went through looking into what I am grateful for and he is on that list, so many of his traits are just so wonderful.  However, because of issues I have and trying to meet my own needs and some of my needs not getting met I cannot connect with him on some levels.  In particular now sex is just not happening and I realized what is missing for me which is huge is connection.  I would love to connect and to feel like more of a team.

Do you ever feel that it is hard to get to place like this working together feeling like a team?  A few weeks ago he went out of town for about a week, and I was so sad to realize almost nothing changed for me.  He plays his computer almost the entire time he his home (usually with our daughter), and then takes time to hang out with me to watch a tv show for an hour or two before we go to bed (or more likely he returns to his computer).  On the few times he's taken a break and said he isn't going to play anymore the days are wonderful and I feel that he is so attentive, but it only lasts a few days at most then goes right back to where it was before.  The thing that is interesting is that I think part of why BFF pushed me away is that she is jealous of my life, especially that I am lucky enough to stay home with my daughter and not have to work; something I am very grateful for.  However, she never looks closer to see the flaws and just kind of shrugs them off but we all have our problems and to us they are big.