weathering the storm

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Im in the middle of a full F-5 rage storm, My ex is fuming because I wont comply with her demands. 13 texts in 1 hr after dropping my daughter off to her today.

My daughter is having a hard time right now with drop offs and pick ups with both of us at first she didn't want to go with me but now she clings to me like her life depended on it when I bring her back. I feel that its a phase and her age, she is 2, she wants both her parents and doesn't understand why 1 of us always has to leave.

My ex is blaming this on me for starting overnights to soon

her solution is to have me get my daughter on Saturday morning instead of Friday night at 6pm.  Im convinced this isn't the problem and it makes no sense to take time away from me. I told my ex that the conflict between me and her is more damaging to our daughter then overnights

I did really well and responded not reacted to her today, after all the gas lighting and insults and basically a temper tantrum by my ex I kept to the facts and tried to lead by example by saying we should remain civil for our daughter and that I will continue to be civil no matter how you treat me because its whats best for our daughter.

she could not get a rise out of me, I think the anger and bitterness I feel towards her is leaving I think what helps is not thinking so much about how rotten my ex is treating me and focusing more on my daughter and how to help her cope

I really wanted to give my ex a quote from groucho marx " I cannot say that I do not disagree with you" 

a round about way of saying I don't agree with you plus its a triple negative for the grammar police

[Eco]

Im in the middle of a full F-5 rage storm, My ex is fuming because I wont comply with her demands. 13 texts in 1 hr after dropping my daughter off to her today.

My daughter is having a hard time right now with drop offs and pick ups with both of us at first she didn't want to go with me but now she clings to me like her life depended on it when I bring her back. I feel that its a phase and her age, she is 2, she wants both her parents and doesn't understand why 1 of us always has to leave.

My ex is blaming this on me for starting overnights to soon

her solution is to have me get my daughter on Saturday morning instead of Friday night at 6pm.  Im convinced this isn't the problem and it makes no sense to take time away from me. I told my ex that the conflict between me and her is more damaging to our daughter then overnights

I did really well and responded not reacted to her today, after all the gas lighting and insults and basically a temper tantrum by my ex I kept to the facts and tried to lead by example by saying we should remain civil for our daughter and that I will continue to be civil no matter how you treat me because its whats best for our daughter.

she could not get a rise out of me, I think the anger and bitterness I feel towards her is leaving I think what helps is not thinking so much about how rotten my ex is treating me and focusing more on my daughter and how to help her cope

I really wanted to give my ex a quote from groucho marx " I cannot say that I do not disagree with you" 

a round about way of saying I don't agree with you plus its a triple negative for the grammar police

[rarsweet]

Eco do you pick up your daughter at her moms house? My ex and I do our exchange at the  police station. I would naturally try to make it as quick as possible. I noticed that my daughter (9 months now) would sort of shut down when her dad walked in. About a month ago she started really clinging to me there. It was almost like she would go into shock. For the past month I've tried to soften the exchange I guess... .I live about 300 feet from the police station, so I will leave a half hour early and take a walk, show her cars, look at birds, etc. Lol sometimes we take a couple rides on the elevator. I try to make the exchange time fun for her not such a shock just being handed between mom and dad. Now she laughs and squeels when her dad shows up. And kids are so smart, they can feel our tension. Maybe you could have someone with you, grandparent? I agree that you shouldn't relinguish overnights, that seems counter productive. Your daughter is ok the rest of the time she is with you right?

[Eco]

Eco do you pick up your daughter at her moms house?

for my weekends I do, its in the court order. during the week I get her at the daycare and bring her back to the daycare.

Maybe you could have someone with you, grandparent? I agree that you shouldn't relinguish overnights, that seems counter productive. Your daughter is ok the rest of the time she is with you right?

I bring my son usually, yes she is fine at my house she has never been upset or cried for or even asked for her mom.

[scraps66]

Eco I commend you on your perspective and grasp of the situation.  You're spot on. 

The turmoil at pickups is a common bad thing for BPs.  I would STRESS, do not get in your ex's physical envelope.  On my pickups, I do not get out of the car.  It's difficult now with baseball and the kids having lots of bags.  Ex always seems to feel that she has to walk the bags to the car for the kids and especially at times when there are other things going on.  Trying to elicit and engagement or a setup for false accusations. 

If you can continue isolating your emotions to only your daughter, that will help you and your blood pressure as well.  If you can see the gratification in your actions by way of your daughter's development that is a good payoff that can keep you going.  It's tough when you don't get that satisfaction from your kids.

It is amazing that the BPs can't understand that arguing in front of the kids, justified by arguing to be 'right,' does far more damage to the kids than the actual content being discussed. 

[Eco]

Eco I commend you on your perspective and grasp of the situation.  You're spot on. 

thanks, being out of the F.O.G helps me see better

If you can continue isolating your emotions to only your daughter, that will help you and your blood pressure as well.  If you can see the gratification in your actions by way of your daughter's development that is a good payoff that can keep you going.  It's tough when you don't get that satisfaction from your kids.

It definitely helps to keep focused on my daughter and look at my ex as something I have to work around. I really hope that the court gives me primary or at least 50/50, I can already see the effects my ex is having on my daughter and its hard to counter that when I only get 30% of time with my daughter.

It is amazing that the BPs can't understand that arguing in front of the kids, justified by arguing to be 'right,' does far more damage to the kids than the actual content being discussed. 

yes and they refuse to take accountability