exBPDh forcing conversation regarding custody

[newlifeBPDfree]

Hi, I was wondering how would you all suggest I handled my exBPDh trying to discuss custody issues.

I have sole custody that was awarded to me over a year ago as a result of default divorce. He just recently found out that he does not have joint custody and is basically making my life hell any way he can. He is trying to start fights in front of my daughter and demand to know why I filed for sole custody and why I lied to him that he had joined for a year. He makes it look like sole custody is really bad, keeps telling my daughter that now I own her (she even mentioned that she is like a doll to me).

As a clarification, I never lied about custody, it never came up as we were exchanging our daughter peacefully on mutually agreed dates. But since he found out he does not have custody ithas really been bothering him and he keeps trying to get me to go back to court and give him joint. I ignore any type of communication that does not relate to our daughter but when I do have to communicate something to him I get an avalanche of text messages and emails regarding me having custody. What do I tell him when he asks?

[catnap]

If I am understanding correctly he is not filing anything--just wanting you to go back to the court to give him joint custody?   Sounds like he is trying to avoid the cost of a custody hearing by harassing you into just handing it to him. 

Start secretly recording during exchanges.  Do state to him very clearly if he tries to bring up the custody issue or make alienating remarks that you will not discuss adult matters in front of the child.  If one party recording not legal in your state keep a detailed journal of exchanges. 

IMO, your attorney needs to know that you are concerned about your ex's parental alienating remarks in front of your D and his persistence on YOU going to court to give him joint custody.  I would ask what your best ONE TIME response should be to the barrage of texts and emails about custody. 

[livednlearned]

Hi newlifeBPDfree,

I'm wondering if the book by Patricia Evans about Verbal Abuse might be helpful here. Your ex cannot force you to do anything -- although I know that can be a hard boundary to enforce when you have a child involved. That book helped me deconstruct many of the moves my ex used with verbal abuse, and strategies that helped me in response. A person who has no regard for your boundaries loses the privilege of a reasonable exchange. If you say no, and he continues to harass you, the only response he has earned is "no" or "stop" repeated over and over and over if need be. Or a click of the phone as you hang up.

I discovered Evans' book at the tail-end of my marriage. I was afraid of my ex, especially when he drank to excess. It was the oddest thing to see how holding up my hand and saying STOP repeatedly, no deviation from that one word, actually tamed him. He turned into a foot stomping little kid and would slink away -- still mad, but having not received the negative engagement he was seeking, he seemed to lose steam.

It helped to read the book because deconstructing what N/BPDx was doing made a difference in how I viewed him. Knowing and anticipating what he was going to do somehow made me feel more in control of my own response.

You don't owe him a response to his request for joint custody. If you do, make it a sentence that you repeat over and over every time he asks. "No."

[newlifeBPDfree]

If I am understanding correctly he is not filing anything--just wanting you to go back to the court to give him joint custody?   Sounds like he is trying to avoid the cost of a custody hearing by harassing you into just handing it to him. 

Start secretly recording during exchanges.  Do state to him very clearly if he tries to bring up the custody issue or make alienating remarks that you will not discuss adult matters in front of the child.  If one party recording not legal in your state keep a detailed journal of exchanges. 

IMO, your attorney needs to know that you are concerned about your ex's parental alienating remarks in front of your D and his persistence on YOU going to court to give him joint custody.  I would ask what your best ONE TIME response should be to the barrage of texts and emails about custody. 

That's correct, he does not want to get bothered with the legal stuff so he is trying to harass me so much that I finally give up and give him what he wants. He does not even have a job to hire an attorney, and even if he did he has no chances based on the evidence I collected. Every time I reach out to him to communicate about our daughter he lashes out about unrelated things and never really responds to my communication. It's almost like I open a flood gate.

My attorney knows he's demanding custody and they are not really concerned with it.

[newlifeBPDfree]

Hi newlifeBPDfree,

I'm wondering if the book by Patricia Evans about Verbal Abuse might be helpful here. Your ex cannot force you to do anything -- although I know that can be a hard boundary to enforce when you have a child involved. That book helped me deconstruct many of the moves my ex used with verbal abuse, and strategies that helped me in response. A person who has no regard for your boundaries loses the privilege of a reasonable exchange. If you say no, and he continues to harass you, the only response he has earned is "no" or "stop" repeated over and over and over if need be. Or a click of the phone as you hang up.

I discovered Evans' book at the tail-end of my marriage. I was afraid of my ex, especially when he drank to excess. It was the oddest thing to see how holding up my hand and saying STOP repeatedly, no deviation from that one word, actually tamed him. He turned into a foot stomping little kid and would slink away -- still mad, but having not received the negative engagement he was seeking, he seemed to lose steam.

It helped to read the book because deconstructing what N/BPDx was doing made a difference in how I viewed him. Knowing and anticipating what he was going to do somehow made me feel more in control of my own response.

You don't owe him a response to his request for joint custody. If you do, make it a sentence that you repeat over and over every time he asks. "No."

thank you for the book recommendation, livednlearned. I looked and see that she has several books on that subject. It is so exhausting with him. I refuse to talk to him on the phone, when I do all he odes is throw insults and names. I only communicate via texts and emails. He says that I stole his daughter away from him even though he sees her more than plenty (4 times a week).

[sfbayjed]

I think if he files custody, he has a good chance of gaining more custody unless you have a good reason. There is the fact that there is the status quo, but I think the court is going to see the fact that the man is making an effort now to be involved as a change of circumstances. Generally, kids need both parents in their lives. 

My ex is a very skilled persistent blamer, pathological liar, clearly a sociopathic high functioning BPD and  a poor excuse for a human being. I was given custody at first and it was obvious to me that it would be better for kids to have more time with the more stable parent, a no brainer.

However, the psychological  war and distortion campaign my ex waged was relentless and extremely damaging to the children. My having the children added fuel to her fire and she spent all her free time waging war rather than moving on. The court was unwilling to restrain her behavior and left us in a custody limbo creating more motive for war.  In retrospect I feel that it would have been less damaging to the children than it would have been to just go 50/50 from the start.  If I had it to do over again, I would have done that.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to just let them have their rope. 

That is just my situation, though. Just food for thought

[newlifeBPDfree]

I get what you mean, sfbayjed. However, in my case the custody thing is on paper only. He still sees her a lot, if not more than I see her. He even tries to control my life as much as he can by manipulating our daughter into wanting to stay with him on my nights. I never used the sole custody card, I always ask his opinion regarding any decisions related to our daughter. We co-parented without any issue for a year before he found out I had sole custody. Now that he knows its almost like a slap in the face for him.  Nothing changed as far as his visitations but he holds it over my head and things went so much worse since he now knows. Hew will throw the custody card into every discussion. I will ask him about a therapist for our daughter and he said it's my problem since I have custody. He is making things so much worse for himself now. I think that his behavior makes me even more grateful that he does not have joint custody. For example, my whole family lives overseas and I try to go there every year. I know that if we had joint custody he would make it impossible for me to go without legal trouble. Even knowing I have sole custody he is telling me I can't take her.

[newlifeBPDfree]

So tonight I was supposed to drop my daughter over at his house. I asked a friend to come with me because our exchanges have been very violent. I told my daughter that I have a friend coming over and she relayed the message to my ex. He assumed I'm going on a date and went crazy with messaging. He told me he is not going to be my babysitter every time I want to go f**k dudes and that our daughter can stay with me tonight. He also told my daughter that he was not going to see her because of me. He told her and me that he wont see her until I sign joint custody papers!

He drags her into that conversation like she is his friend. She got really upset and told him she was not going to school until she sees him. He is so fixated on the custody issue. He even mentioned that he is not going to play pretend dad so I can go f**k dudes and find a stepdad for our daughter.