I have made a huge mistake. Why didn't I find your site sooner?

[fedoraoriginali]

Hi, everyone. My 20 yr old daughter has definite undiagnosed BPD traits. On reading some of the posts here there seems to be some common characteristics. One being highly intelligent ( was tested as gifted as a child) but has now dropped out of University due to not being able to keep up with the work load. She moved out of home and is sharing at our holiday home. Even though in hindsight I believe that she had symptoms of BPD traits as a young child it escalated with self harm, depression and aggression at the onset of puberty.

Like many, I was her world until I was not. I am now to blame for all her ills, I was never there for her, I did nothing for her etc etc.  Of course this is far from the truth as many of her teachers and other members of the family thought that I enabled and protected her too much. She often wishes me dead and has actually threatened physical violence but hasn't. She did slap her father in the face once though so she IS capable of doing it.

What compounds this already tragic possible diagnosis is that she has a progressive chronic Liver disease that needs regular monitoring. She does not take any of her medications and I dread a phone call that she has had an attack where she could literally bleed to death due to Portal Hypertension. She lies to the Doctors about taking her medications. She has Cirrhosis of the Liver due to this autoimmune disease and is now self medicating with LOTS of alcohol eve though she knows that it will fasten the progress of the disease.

Her housemate called to inform me that he will be moving out in November but does not want to tell her due to fear of what she may do.She cannot live alone but she is destructive living here with the rest of the family.

I went there this weekend and her room had not been cleaned since last October. She has NEVER cleaned anything in her life ( I always did it eventually as she would move to another room and start living in that room) There were mice in her room and I had to take 4 huge garbage bags of ALL her clothes to disinfect and wash them. She had been living in one T/shirt and underwear for weeks, not showering, eating only 2 minute noodles, sleeping during the day and gaming all night. She was never a gamer but she is desperate for friends so she clings to the fantasy that they are. It makes sense because being on the other side of the world protects her from them finding out that she is not friend worthy.

My mistake? I wrote her a long letter and put it under her door when I left. (She locked herself in her room all weekend to avoid me). The letter was very heart felt. Telling her how sorry I was for all her pain and struggles, how much I loved her BUT mistakenly I also wrote about what I suspect- that she may be suffering BPD. I told her that I would support and hold her hand towards searching for treatment and mentioned some good books that I had read and begged her to choose the road to recovery. Her housemate messaged me to tell me that my 5 page letter had been torn to shreds. I really fear that I may not get the chance to apply the strategies of validation and SET that I have been reading here as in her mind I must be the devil. BTW, I  do not get ANY support from my husband. I came home today and he didn't even ask about her or how she was. I suspect that he has it too and only in the last 5 years has been getting worse also. He is more high functioning than my daughter but is now suffering from depression and it is affecting our business and finances as well.

What do I do now? I have my first session with a Psychologist for me on Thursday. Have I ruined any future communication with my daughter now?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi fedoraoriginali,

Welcome to the Parenting Board.  I'm so sorry that your daughter is in such a poor state at this time.  I understand how concerned you are about her, I would be too.  It seems she is in dire straights and action is needed. 

Do you live far from her? 

I don't think you have ruined any chance of further communication with her.  Letting her know that you are there for her and will walk with her on the path of recovery is a powerful and accepting statement.  She does need to know it is not her fault if she does have this disorder. 

It's good that you have an apptmt to talk to a therapist this week.  Hopefully he will be able to give you some insight into what options are available for your daughter in getting her the help she needs.  Has your d ever been in therapy before?

I look forward to your reply.

lbjnltx

[fedoraoriginali]

Unfortunately it gets more complicated. As a child she suffered from extreme anxiety eg: fear of the dark ( in the extreme), and some other issues that affected her schooling even though she was intelligent. I brought her to a psychologist then and he quickly diagnosed her with ADHD. ( I later learned that he was doing his Masters on ADHD and she suited his agenda) He made us put her on a very strict diet and we paid thousands to treat her with Neurotherapy. No changes in her behaviour but the memory of it has lasted and it isn't a good one. Two years ago we went to see a Psychiatrist because of her chronic sleeping problems and anxiety. My mistake is that I told her of the previous diagnosis and she ran with it. A sleep test was given with no conclusive results. We left the practice with a prescription of Ritalin. Funnily my daughter said that the Ritalin really helped but then I discovered that she was abusing them to actually stay awake so that she could study. As she has anxiety in contacting people on the phone she never got a repeat as I refused to do it for her.

I told her that it was important for her to make the choice of where she wanted to go as as long as she does but her fear of talking to new people and especially that initial contact paralyzes her  I did say in my letter that none of this is her fault and never was and that it IS treatable.