How can I help my daughter through this separation?

[aparenti]

I have a partner who appears to have all of the signs of a high functioning borderline and we have a four year old daughter. When she told me she wanted to separate, I supported her in moving out of our family home and was doing everything I could to make the transition as smooth as possible for our daughter.

About a month after moving out, my partner took me to court requesting full custody of our daughter by making false accusations about my parenting including claims of sexual abuse against our daughter. My lawyer suggested that I agree to her demands in order to retain 50-50 custody during the custody evaluation period, but she still managed to keep my daughter away from me for about a month until I could make all of the arrangements.

Now every time I see my daughter she tells me things like ‘I just want to stay with you now. I don’t want to go back to mommy. I just love you, I don’t love mommy anymore.’ She also lashes out at her mother when she has to go back to her saying things like 'I hate you and I want to destroy you'.

I'm really concerned about her and worried that she is adopting borderline behaviors by modeling her mother's way of dealing with difficult emotions. Aside from keeping the custody schedule consistent from now on, is there anything else I can do to support her?

[livednlearned]

Hi aparenti,

I'm so sorry about the false allegations. That had to be a horrendous experience for you to endure  :'(

One of the most important skills you can learn is validation. We have a whole Lesson on Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids over in the right side bar ------> and there is a nice big section about the power of validating your kids feelings.

This might seem like a small thing. I guarantee you it's not. Researchers believe that BPD is 60% genetic and 40% environment, and whether a child develops BPD or not, it's critical to create a validating environment. My son seems to be genetically predisposed to BPD (he is currently diagnosed anxious/depressed at 13, and at 9 was diagnosed oppositional defiance disorder). Even though your daughter is young, if you are worried, I highly recommend reading Blaise Aguirre's 2nd edition book about BPD and adolescence. There is a hesitation to diagnose BPD in kids, which does not reflect the most up-to-date research. Many parents whose teens and young adults were eventually diagnosed with BPD say that they saw signs in their kids when they were young.

Having said that, it's also possible that your daughter is experiencing the stress of having a mentally ill parent. Take a look at some of the materials in Lesson 5 to help you help your daughter understand what she's dealing with. At her age, she will probably respond best to validation until she is older and can make sense of things. There are also some books for young kids that parents here have found helpful.

Your D probably hears her mom say the things that she says "I will destroy you." Your D's sense of self is developing, and she is trying to figure out the most powerful way to protect herself from real and perceived threats, and her mom's way is apparently winning. You have to offer a counter power -- that will be validation. Getting your D to understand how she's feeling, to express it, and to have someone bear witness to her pain. It's not easy. Validation is simple to read about, harder to put into practice.

Another book I highly recommend is Bill Eddy's ":)on't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally resilient Children." He describes the qualities of people with healthy attachment styles (my interpretation), like "managed emotions, moderate behaviors, flexible thinking" that you can model for your D.

You're catching this stuff early! That's important. It will go a long way.

[ForeverDad]

Age appropriate Validation is crucial, you want to enable and encourage her to observe, ponder and form her own conclusions.  It is a skill to start developing now and build upon in the years to come.  Children of acting-out PD parents are at high risk of becoming leaves blown about by the ever-blowing winds of distorted perceptions, demands and manipulations.  Your goal is for her to be a kid and not a tool or weapon.  That means you need to assist her (over time) to learn how to observe, ponder and make good decisions for her age.

Her mother won't teach her good skills to grow into an independent, empowered, stable adult.  Quite the opposite.  So you have to take the lead in ensuring that happens.  Your involved parenting over the years will be invaluable.  Also, 'neutral' professional support in the form of effective counseling for your child will help.

Now is not too soon to seek a counselor for your daughter.  But you have to make sure they are experienced and not gullible or easily fooled.  Expect her mother to oppose counseling unless she can find gullible ones who can become her "negative advocates" against you.  (For the first 15 months of my separation my ex succeeded in finding negative advocates and the child counseling agency refused to include me, describing me as "a danger to the life and safety of the patient or others".  Yes, they wrote that despite never including me in sessions and while I had 'standard' alternate weekends in the temporary order.  Eventually they figured it out but I think it was because the custody evaluator put a really big bug in their ears!  What allowed them to ignore me and listen only to mother was that she was defaulted to custodial parent in the temp order and so they refused to do anything that she didn't agree with.)

[momtara]

I'm glad you have 50/50 now. Too many people give that up, thinking it's a temporary situation, and then spend years trying to get more time. Compromising for 50/50 sounds reasonable; compromising more than that does not - and do NOT admit guilt to anything as part of a compromise! There are a few people here who are good with advice on that front.

It is amazing how similar these stories are sometimes.

Your question is a good one - how to validate your daughter's fears without being accused of alienation and such? I think you should consider the legalities as much as the emotional ramifications. I might tape record her comments just so you have proof if ever needed. I wouldn't rush to court with it or anything, lest you be accused of leading her, but finding ways to document this might be good. Perhaps you can get a therapist or family therapist and bring her to a session, or some other matter? You can gently probe as to why she feels bad about going with mom. this is all delicate because you don't want to invalidate, nor do you want to appear to be tricking her into saying such things. Some here may have more experience with this.

My 3 YO daughter was, for a time, saying she didn't want to go to daddy's because he yells at mommy. I asked a similar question here. He has been better for the last few months and she has stopped saying it, but I notice she is frightened from loud noises now, whereas before that yelling incident, she never was. She actually shakes if we are at some festival or event and someone is talking on the microphone. So it's reasonable to try to figure out how to help your daughter deal with whatever's going on, but I think you very much also have to protect her by protecting yourself legally.

Document, document, document. Keep a journal. Not sure what else you can do to deal with this legally - may be a question for your laywer or if you have your own therapist or family therapist. You don't want it to get out of hand or backfire either (so unless there's severe abuse I wouldn't contact CPS or some agency that might make things worse.)