one month break up so far

[Speedster]

Well 7 weeks ago my girlfriend of 5 years said she had a plan for us. SHewould like us to be engaged. I thought great. The hostility and aggression and breaking up and making up would come to an end. Within two weeks things seemed okay. HAd a fianl argument, didn't talk fora few days. I texted her and she replied that we are done for good. THat we just don't work. HTat was Macrch 30th. She then told her kids we were done. Didn't even get to say goodbye. Texted back and forth for two weeks until April 15th. Bought a ring, showed up at her worked and propsed, Privately. She said no and called me later and said sorry but we are done. Two more weeks go by. I show up at her house since she is still driving a car I paid for that she was supposed to return.

She said I had no right to be there and she would call the police. She had bought a used car and would returnh my car later that day. I asked her if she was seeing someone and she said yes for the last couple of weeks. Through a friend I find out its some average joe older guy she introduced me to walking along the street one day. I almost dropped dead. She then tells me she doesn't respect me and that I took her for granted. This after spending thousands of dollars to support her and her kids. The reason we were not moving forward was becasue I couldn't trust her hostile temper, never knowing what was going to set her off. It seems she is one big empty shell and nothing fills the void.

She was always concerned about me cheating. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything because she thought I would be screwing around. I had lunch with a guy I work with and she said she was throwing up in the bathroom at her work thinking about what I was really doing. Everything with her is black and white.

So within a week of us breaking up for the 20th time she is already in a relationship and her kids have already met him. This after telling me three weeks earlier she wanted us to get engaged.

The good times were amazing and the bad times were horrible. I just can't believe she could so easily jump into bed with this guy.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Speedster, Sad to say, your story is quite familiar, which others here can confirm.  Getting replaced overnight is pretty typical for a BPD r/s, though I understand that doesn't make it any easier on you.  If possible, now is the time to shift the focus to yourself.  Be kind and generous to yourself.  I suggest you try and think about why you got involved with a pwBPD in the first place.  If you can identify your issues, you can avoid repeating them in the future.  LuckyJim

[cosmonaut]

I'm so sorry, Speedster.  I can completely understand why you are in such pain and how confusing this must be.  I think anyone would feel that way, and all of us here can appreciate what you are going through and how hard this is.

Unfortunately, pwBPD tend to form relationships extremely quickly.  This is something of a survival strategy for them.  Because at the root of their disorder they have a need to find and fuse with someone else's sense of "self".  This is hard to understand, because for most of us we don't experience anything quite like it.  But for pwBPD it's very real, and they find a period when they are without an attachment to be extremely frightening, confusing, and painful.  Relationships, at least initially, are incredibly soothing and comforting for them.  They often see their partner as a savior who has rescued them from the terrors of being alone and lost in the world.  They idolize them, and this happens very quickly in many cases.

The most important thing to understand, however, is that this is not your fault.  You didn't cause this.  It is not because you aren't good enough or were a bad partner.  It's not because of anything you did or didn't do.  This is the reality of BPD.  pwBPD are unable to sustain relationships.  While they crave, even need that attachment, the degree of emotional intimacy that results often also provokes fears in them: fears of abandonment and engulfment.  And these are also very real.  And so they begin to push us away, and thus begins the classic push/pull cycle of BPD.  Please remember, however, this isn't your fault.  This is the disorder.

Lucky Jim has good advice for you.  Now is the best time to focus on ourselves.  For now while this is so fresh and you are hurting so much, this may just mean being good to you.  Taking care of you.  Eating right, sleeping enough, getting some exercise, socializing enough.  Things to help us feel better and don't feed the negative.  Eventually there will be time to analyze the relationship, our wounds, and how we can learn from our experience.  But, for right now take care of you.  You deserve it.   

[Speedster]

I appreciate the comments. This is really an unbelievable thing to work through. The high emotional attachment and passion when things were great are hard to let go of. I have been told I need to focus on all the bad parts and the crazy arguments and hostility that seemed to come out of nowhere.

I know why I was so engulfed. I was physically and verbally abused severely grwoing up by my mother. I suppose I need to be with a woman who idealized me like my ex, until nothing seemed to make her happy. Not having that from her makes me feel empty and lost. I need to see a therapist about how not to repeat this same mistake. I need to get to the point where I value myself and want to be in a relationship, not need to be. And to walk away when I recognize this type of BPD behavior. Easy to write but not easy to implement. I just don't know what type of therapist or psychologist is the right type.

[cosmonaut]

It's indeed unbelievable hard.  I know exactly what you mean.  Let me assure you that it does get easier - this burning pain won't last forever.  Hang onto that hope.  It may seem hard to imagine right now, and I once felt that same way, but it will get better.

I'm really sorry to hear about your childhood and what you went through with your mother.  That is a very powerful realization, and one that can really help you.  I would definitely recommend looking for a therapist.  If that is new for you, I would start by looking on Google for local therapists and then give a few that look promising a call.  Most therapists will do a small phone consultation to see if you might be a good fit together.  Then if that goes well, you can schedule a first appointment.  It usually will take a few appointments until you have an idea if this person will be a good fit for you to work with long term.  You want to determine the best you can in those first visits if this person seems 1) highly competent to help you 2) someone you can feel comfortable trusting and opening up to.  My T has been so important in helping me to process my relationship and breakup.  We've also made some important discoveries about my childhood and how my relationship activated some very old behaviors, beliefs, and hurts.  You're definitely on the right track exploring this.

I know that doesn't help the pain, though.  It will hurt for a while.  You are grieving and it takes time to emerge from that.  Hang in there, and let us support you through it.  We are always here for you.