Strong need to resolve issues BPD spouse ignores pretend instead of resolving.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've read countless hours on BPD trying to help myself understand the disorder and to learn tools in dealing with abusive behaviors from SO.  What I'm struggling with right now is the strong need to resolve issues and his lack of accountability, defensiveness and rationalization.  Here's an example.

My daughter, 21yrs old (his step) needed a new cell phone.  She asked SO if she was due for an upgrade, was there a penalty if she went off the plan, should she get her own plan etc.?  He told her that he'd get back to her.  As usual he didn't get back to her, about 3 weeks later while I was out of town she got a new cell phone and her own plan.  I was proud of her but new without a doubt that he must be pissed off.  It was the last thing that he had control over her.  I didn't say a word.

He picks me up from the airport and not 5 minutes into our ride he starts with.  DD needs to start paying rent, she wastes money, hasn't saved any money, blah blah blah.  I didn't say a word, just listened to him.  I knew where this was coming from but didn't say anything.  When he was all done ranting I asked him if there was anything else that I needed to be aware of since I had been gone all week.  Well, he lost it on me... .I told him that I was just asking if there were any other problems and he started twisting, turning and being irrational with me.  I immediately shut down and realized just how dysfunctional my marriage really is.  I just spent an awesome week with great people.  I don't engage with him at this point.  He just pretends as if nothing has happened.

So, then what? Just go on like nothings happened?  I'm supposed to ignore the fact that he can blow up at me for no reason and I'm suppose to be the happy wife?  I've tried the "why are you talking to me like this?" "What are you upset about?" which just makes it worse.  If, I wait till later when things have calmed down to talk with him, he just gets defensive all over again and projects it right back onto me.  If, I let him sleep on it, the next day he wakes up all chipper with the "Hi hunny bunny" crap, as if nothings wrong.  If, I'm still upset, then I get the "what the hell is your problem?" "You just like to be mad."

It's a no win situation.

Yes, he's in counseling.  I've gone from time to time, it only makes me feel more helpless because nothing gets resolved there either.  She listens to what I have to say and when he gets upset she changes the subject.  I've spoken with her about this, she tells me she does that on purpose.  She says that you're not going to get anywhere with him if he's feeling shamed, his ego etc.  That's a whole other topic for discussion.

How do you handle these constant irrational disagreements? 

[Breaze513]

I've read countless hours on BPD trying to help myself understand the disorder and to learn tools in dealing with abusive behaviors from SO.  What I'm struggling with right now is the strong need to resolve issues and his lack of accountability, defensiveness and rationalization.  Here's an example.

My daughter, 21yrs old (his step) needed a new cell phone.  She asked SO if she was due for an upgrade, was there a penalty if she went off the plan, should she get her own plan etc.?  He told her that he'd get back to her.  As usual he didn't get back to her, about 3 weeks later while I was out of town she got a new cell phone and her own plan.  I was proud of her but new without a doubt that he must be pissed off.  It was the last thing that he had control over her.  I didn't say a word.

He picks me up from the airport and not 5 minutes into our ride he starts with.  DD needs to start paying rent, she wastes money, hasn't saved any money, blah blah blah.  I didn't say a word, just listened to him.  I knew where this was coming from but didn't say anything.  When he was all done ranting I asked him if there was anything else that I needed to be aware of since I had been gone all week.  Well, he lost it on me... .I told him that I was just asking if there were any other problems and he started twisting, turning and being irrational with me.  I immediately shut down and realized just how dysfunctional my marriage really is.  I just spent an awesome week with great people.  I don't engage with him at this point.  He just pretends as if nothing has happened.

So, then what? Just go on like nothings happened?  I'm supposed to ignore the fact that he can blow up at me for no reason and I'm suppose to be the happy wife?  I've tried the "why are you talking to me like this?" "What are you upset about?" which just makes it worse.  If, I wait till later when things have calmed down to talk with him, he just gets defensive all over again and projects it right back onto me.  If, I let him sleep on it, the next day he wakes up all chipper with the "Hi hunny bunny" crap, as if nothings wrong.  If, I'm still upset, then I get the "what the hell is your problem?" "You just like to be mad."

It's a no win situation.

Yes, he's in counseling.  I've gone from time to time, it only makes me feel more helpless because nothing gets resolved there either.  She listens to what I have to say and when he gets upset she changes the subject.  I've spoken with her about this, she tells me she does that on purpose.  She says that you're not going to get anywhere with him if he's feeling shamed, his ego etc.  That's a whole other topic for discussion.

How do you handle these constant irrational disagreements? 

[Mike-X]

I am sorry about the exchange over your daughter and you struggles with your husband. From reading what you wrote, my sense is that your husband was looking for validation after the rant. Of course, coming up with validating statements after sitting through a rant is difficult.

Have you read about the following communication techniques:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0

[vortex of confusion]

I know exactly how you feel. It is so very frustrating when my husband and I will go from having issues to him acting like nothing is wrong at all.

How long have you been aware of BPD? Really, whether or not he has BPD is irrelevant. What is relevant is figuring out what to do about these behaviors and how to get to a place where things are more peaceful.

I know that you want to get to a place where you address all of these things. That isn't going to happen right away. Before anything like that happens, it is important to figure out how to stop the bleeding. Have you looked at that Lesson yet? No forward progress can be made until the crapulence, as I like to call it, settles down. I found this site back in August and am just now getting to a point where I can say stuff without worrying so much about my husband getting weird/defensive/angry/etc.

Even if he has his head in the clouds and things that everything is okay, you can still work on you. I know how horrible that sounds. It would really get under my skin when people would tell me that. My gut reaction was, "Why the heck do I need to work on me?"

I had to learn the importance of setting boundaries. I had to learn how to tell him to knock it off when he would get verbally abusive or even passive aggressively abusive. My husband would try to manipulate me and guilt me into things. I had to learn how to put a stop to it with my words and actions. That is where the communication techniques come in handy. They will help you to stand up for yourself without creating more problems than already exist. It isn't easy that is for sure.

I hope that maybe one day we can address our problems but I don't think it is going to happen any time soon.