Crunch time again

[daz_bpd]

Well my gf / ex is still in financial trouble, and I'm still allowing and choosing to be dragged down with it. All attempts to maintain a budget is futile. When I don't give her what she demands, she borrows from others, lies to me, and then I 'bail her out' or 'save' her from losing her career and reputation when the creditors demand payment from her. She is studying to be a lawyer and is currently working as a legal researcher, until she passes the bar BUT she has failed 3 times already, and spends money frivolously on things she doesn't need, relying on me for EVERYTHING. 3 or 4 times a month for the last 3 years, she would message or call me needing money as she is completely broke (this is no exaggeration). Its emotionally, financially and physically draining trying to sustain this.

I either feel deeply saddened by not being with her, losing her and not being able to enjoy those intense feelings OR, fearful of her lying to me and being with other guys to extract money from them. She withdraws when her needs aren't met, and makes me feel terribly guilty when I don't immediately help her when she needs something. I'm emotionally abused in the relationship, and my needs aren't being met.

i want to be able to deal with this situation compassionately, because I feel that cutting things off with her is wrong. She feels betrayed and abandoned when I withdraw and try cut things off.

As my career, life has suffered i turned to family and friends for emotional- and financial assistance, but I do not want to burden them any more. Its unfair on them for me to transfer the burden I am carrying

I'm thinking of selling my house, settling any debt or repaying family and friends and hitting the 'reset' button on my life.

In my heart I really want to help my gf/ex when she doesn't get what she wants she threatens to move onto another guy, ___ him and get money -she says its the only way (her family has cut her off, and her close friends don't want to help her any more). its been her dream to pass the bar and become a lawyer, Im very concerned that if she doesn't her life will spiral downwards, and she will become deeply depressed.

my love is strong and I feel I can heal her - but of course this is faulty thinking.

I have several options

1. i can sell my house, settle any debt, and set things up for her one last time, giving us one last chance.

2. i can sell my house, settle any debt, and still help her to some new threshold point that I do not cross under any circumstances. Effectively, we begin dating and seeing other people, but she would get further financial assistance from me until she writes the bar exam.

3. i can sell my house, settle any debt, cut her off, and start new for myself

4. i can burden my friends and family further (my father has offered to assist me, but I want to face the consequences of my actions on my own), but on the condition I CUT THINGS OFF IMMEDIATELY with her, which will deeply hurt her and affect her life and quite possibly prevent her from reaching her dream (she may become very depressed).

[mitatsu]

Sell YOUR house and settle her debt... .dude big wake up call... .look after YOURSELF your dealing with someone with no care for any other than herself... .go look on the staying board my friend you cannot fix or save anyone but yourself 

[vortex of confusion]

How long has she been pursuing this dream of hers?

If she hasn't passed the bar the last three times she tried, what makes you think that she will pass it the next time she takes it?

Why do you feel so responsible for this person? This person doesn't seem to give two craps about you. At least that is what the actions that you describe lead me to believe. It sounds like you are an easy meal ticket. Of course she is going to continue to string you along and keep you on the side.

You keep talking about her dreams, her this, and her that. What about YOU? What do YOU want? What are YOUR dreams? What about the things that YOU want to do?

What are your obligations to this person? Are you married? Do you have children together? Does she have some kind of boojie boojie spell cast on you?

Somewhere in one of the lessons is something about magical thinking, which is thinking that some how this time will be different. It is thinking that you can help another person heal. The truth is that this time isn't going to be different from the last time. The truth is that you cannot help heal another person. It is up to the other person to choose whether or not he/she wants to heal and get help. Continuing to set her up with stuff is not going to encourage her to heal or do anything different. As long as what she is doing is working for her, why should she change?

[daz_bpd]

@mitatsu, she does at times shows she cares, its just very difficult for her. She tells me she will be "the woman of my dreams" conditional as long as i meet her demands.

@vortex of confusion, no marriage or kids.

High levels of attraction, we get a lot of attention as a couple, when she is in a happy mood the sex is incredible and i'm hooked on the emotional rollercoaster it seems. I have no addictions of any kind, yet it seems I am addicted to her. I'm slowly trying to let go and get out out of my scarcity mindset and live in abundance instead.

[LonelyChild]

@mitatsu, she does at times shows she cares, its just very difficult for her. She tells me she will be "the woman of my dreams" conditional as long as i meet her demands.

When was the last time you met her needs? When did she ever say "daz_BPD, thank you so much for doing x, it's exactly what I needed from you, you're the best." Did she go "since you did x for me, I'll do y for you"?

You will never ever meet her demands. As someone else put it recently in another thread: if she ever acknowledges that you meet her demands, it also means that she has to give back, which she can't/won't.

[apollotech]

daz_BPD,

Your rescuer mode is way off the charts brother. That woman is using you as an enabler. Helping someone is one thing, but you're way past that. You need to let her stand on her own two feet and face the consequences of her own actions. Sacrificing yourself, your finances, for her possible health and stability is not the answer.