My Head is Spinning Not Sure What Happened

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All, I have attempted to unravel most of this in my mind but it just spins around in circles. I will do my best to keep this as brief as possible.  Quite frankly, I am not sure about what just happened.  I had had a business relationship with a man for approximately 9 months.  After that 9 months, it was rather clear that there "seemed" to be a mutual attraction between both of us.  In fairness to him, he was in the middle of a rather contentious divorce and all over the map.  This past October we got together a few times and it was very nice.  We wrote via email several times a day, many involved deeply personal thoughts and feelings about our lives and the world at large. He never, ever called but always texted, which I found to be odd but I accepted that it was just his style.  In November we started a sexual relationship (which only happened like 4 times).  The day "after" the sexual relationship began, he picked a rather odd fight about being confused but then also sent me roses--this was very confusing.  There was a 2 week gap where we did not speak.  Then, he offered to help me with a computer issue and confessed that he missed me and wanted to see me.  We started to see each other again.  I attributed all of this "confusion" to him being in the middle of a divorce (which was about to conclude).  We didn't spend much time physically together as we would make plans and he canceled the plans 98% (no exaggeration) of the time.  Regardless of the lack of seeing each other for traditional dates or actually talking on the phone, we exchanged a tremendous amount of emails and text messages.  I was rather smitten with this man as he is incredibly bright, accomplished, has a good career, what I thought to be good integrity and character.  So, I continued to make excuses for the "lack" that was ever-so-present in the non-defined relationship. 

There was a time where he started to tell me that he was incapable of being in a relationship.  Then, two days later, after he learned that another man might be pursuing me he sent me a note that said, "Okay, I am yours.  I don't want to lose you."  Naively, I took this as a wake up call that maybe I would no longer be taken for granted.  However, it was as-if it was never stated and we went back to being pen pals.  At the end of December, I spent the night at his apartment for the first time and when we were lying in bed he looked at me as said "This just feels so right."  It melted my heart.  He also told me that he was a "hard case" and that "learning to trust again was difficult, he was having a hard time allowing himself to love again, but that he was confident that 'it would come.'"  I just got through the holidays but did not see him as his children were in town.  Right after New Year's I spent the night again and the next morning he was almost frantic as-if he couldn't wait for me to leave his apartment.  Nothing had happened, we just simply woke up.  I was leaving but apparently he had things to do and I was holding him up for 5 minutes.  At this point, he started to tell me that he didn't know if he should "speed up" or "slow down" our relationship.  He also mentioned that despite me being wonderful that in his mind (which he characterized as feeling rather Schizophrenic--not actually but just a descriptor) I was either "heaven" or "hell."  He was still undecided.   He also admitted that he knew that he was blowing "hot" and then "cold."  However, when I said to him that his behavior was confusing / maddening that I didn't know if he was drawing close or pulling away he said he wasn't doing either.  These statements just don't add up--I was even more confused.  Then, he said that he simply was not going to be okay in the head until his divorce was final--I understood.  I attempted to hold on very loosely but I did fall in love with him and I made the mistake of telling him that I had fallen in love with him.  He was almost outraged.  His response was when did this happen?  How did this happen? Why did this happen?  I thought this to be an extremely cold and off remark by someone that I had "thought" I had gotten to know over the past year.  This is especially true when he had already said to me "I am falling for you." Total mind swirl.  During the first week of January was his birthday, I got him a birthday present that I actually had shipped from Italy.  When I gave it to him his first response was "oh great, now I have to get you something for your birthday."  I was heartbroken.  I said, well, I am giving you this gift for your birthday but it isn't with strings -- it is simply a kind gesture with no agenda.  During the "day" of his birthday, I took the day off of work, took lunch over to his apartment (with his favorite foods), and it was fairly light.  After lunch, he embraced my shoulders and literally steered me into his bedroom as if he was driving a car.  I should have said, what the heck is that approach but I didn't.  Immediately after having sex, he started with the nervous behavior and acting as-if I needed to leave as he was having dinner with his "mother."  He has a very, very close relationship with his mother.  At one point, he confessed that he had always been his mother's "surrogate spouse."  I got the ick when he said it but I have witnessed it.  Anyway, he was having birthday dinner with his mother so I needed to leave.  So, I left.  My birthday was 5 days later.  I didn't get so much as a text message about my birthday.  While I didn't need some big celebration, this complete disregard for my birthday was one of the biggest turning points for me as it hit me as completely insensitive.  2 days later he came to my office as-if nothing had happened.  Normally, when we say goodbye we kiss; however, I was still thinking about the day of his birthday, his comment about his present, his disregard for my birthday, so I didn't kiss him and just gave him a friendly thumbs-up goodbye. Not like a jerk but more like a slowing things down message.  We didn't speak for several weeks.  During this absence, he sent me a note telling me that I was "hot enough, smart enough, caring enough" as if my credentials were being classified as worthy or not worthy.  I just didn't even comment.  Then, a day later he sent me a note telling me that I was "radiant and that we both had very bright futures."  When I responded, he never responded back to my note.  In fact, these were the only times that the conversation ever had anything to do with me or my life as the bulk of all of the conversations had to do with his divorce, his mother, his children, his suffering, his job, his ____.  Anytime I would attempt to vent or discuss something to do with me or my little world, he would simply ignore it as if he were deaf.  Like it was never spoken. 4 days later, I received an email from him telling me that he was "incapable of sustaining adult relationships." He said I am placing an emphasis on "sustaining."  I didn't know what to think as I was totally invested with my heart in this man. I have to admit that I blew a screw and sent him an email that I now regret.  It essentially said this relationship is not healthy for me as you have not demonstrated any ability to reciprocate, you cancel plans, we never see each other, you don't call, you don't ask about me or my life, you aren't there for me, and this entire thing is totally screwing with my psyche.  His response was well I told you that I couldn't be in a relationship, your ego is just hurt, if you are worried about your "hotness" that isn't a concern.  If you want to take it as a rejection, then, yes, I am rejecting you.  Leave me alone.  That was the extent of his communication.  We didn't talk for several weeks.  I was a mess.  Then, the day "after" Valentine's day, he sent me a note asking me to meet him at a park on President's day and that we would play basketball and have a picnic, he even mentioned that I should bring my dog.  After having soo many cancellations, I didn't put much stock in this little adventure but I went.  I left my dog at home.  I showed up dressed to play basketball but it ended up being me watching him play basketball and he seemed a little off balance when I retrieved the ball like I wasn't going to give it back. (I should mention that this man is 50 years old).  Then, after watching him play basketball, I was waiting to see what he had done for the picnic.  Nothing.  It was as-if he had never mentioned it.  I asked him if he wanted to go eat something and he was like I guess so but I have to leave early enough to meet my mother.  We took "separate" cars as if I was going to kidnap him.  Really?  When we were at the restaurant, I had told him about a neat little park that he would like. After lunch, I said hey I want to show you that park (which was about 1/2 mile away) so jump in my car.  Once again, he looked at me like he was going to be kidnapped.  I haven't a clue about what that was about.  I asked him if he wanted to take his car to his apartment and drop it off and then run to the park.  It was clear that he was avoiding having me as his apartment as-if he I was going to take advantage of him (which I think was backlash for me giving him thumbs up the month prior).  I couldn't have cared less but the behavior was so strange.  Not that this has much to do with it but I am not an unattractive woman who he used to almost obsessively stare at in the beginning, back when he called me "captivating." This was the last time that I actually saw him in person.  The last time that we had sex was on this birthday after he steered me into his bedroom. 

At any rate, after our luncheon at the park I returned him to his car and was leaning up against my car.  He stared at me like I was just beautiful and then said "we need to stay in touch" and then circled his hand like he meant physically, as a couple, stay in touch.  I just smiled, said ya think, and got into my car.  The entire day was bizarre.  We didn't speak for days.  I actually sent him an email asking him if the park date was supposed to be a goodbye and he said no is that how you took it.  I said, well, it wasn't a hello and I am totally confused lately.  A week later he was cutting ties with me, retrieving his items, and basically giving me the accelerated fade without saying the words.  I haven't a clue what happened but I hadn't done a thing.  I finally sent him an email saying if you ever want to truly invest in a relationship you know where to find me but this is just not healthy.  Maybe one day in the future.  Take good care of yourself.  His divorce (the big excuse for all of his agony - despite being separated for 2 years) was finalized at the beginning of March.  He sent me a text.  I said congratulations, I am happy for you and that you accomplished your goal.  I was being sincere.  Regardless, he sent me a note saying that his "goal" was freedom.  I said, well good, you have your freedom.  Several days later he sent me a note thanking me for investing in him during his divorce but that he and his mother had decided that he was in no shape to date.  I was perplexed as I had already said this isn't healthy good luck to you.  However, the underlying trend throughout this "relationship" of 5-6 months of "dating" was him acting as if he was the grand prize and I was the desperate woman that was attempting to trap him.  The opposite is actually true as I have been single for 14 years, I am a professional woman, I have my own business, I have my own house, I just thought that we had something special (until he spent screwy).  At this point, he mentioned "maybe we can be best friends."  I didn't know what to make of that comment.  I just didn't comment at all and he didn't respond.  I sent him a few encouraging notes for the next week.  Then, around the 3rd week of March he had a bit of a meltdown and I offered to go spend time with him as it seemed to be really, really bad depression.  We made plans for me to go to his apartment.  Of course, at the last minute he canceled.  The following week his children were in town.  The next week I asked if he still wanted me to come over with the movie that I had purchased and he sent me an email stating that he was "focusing on himself, his mother, and his job."  That was the LAST communication that I received from him back on April 7th.  I sent him a note saying that I was completely confused as while our romantic relationship didn't work I thought we had the makings of a decent friendship and that I didn't understand the complete severance but that I would respect it and not contact him anymore.

It has been almost a month and I have not made any attempts to contact him and he hasn't' contacted me.  I am very hurt, I feel as-if I was used or taken advantage of or lied to or strung along or manipulated or whatever the heck this was.  I have never experienced anything so strange in my life.  I have spun this around in my head about 5,000 ways.  I truly did have feelings for this man and I realize that it wasn't going to work as there was something really wrong. However, the way that he just disappeared or discarded me took on the flavor as if there was something wrong with me and he needed to escape.  I have to tell you that while I am far, far, far for anything resembling perfect, I don't play with people's hearts and I don't have a personality disorder.  BUT, I can tell you that I have almost convinced myself that maybe I am the nutty one.  There is just no explanation for any of this and my therapist summed it up when she said this: (1) he is broken; (2) you didn't break him;

So, after reading all of this can anyone give me feedback or explain or comment of this sequence of events?  Also, can you comment on the feeling like you are the one with the personality disorder when they are the ones that exact the odd behavior?  i am hanging by a thread as i can't sleep, eat, think, it's interfering with my work, and consumes my thoughts.  PLEASE give feedback if you have some to offer.

Thank you.  Olivia

[Olivia_D]

Hi All, I have attempted to unravel most of this in my mind but it just spins around in circles. I will do my best to keep this as brief as possible.  Quite frankly, I am not sure about what just happened.  I had had a business relationship with a man for approximately 9 months.  After that 9 months, it was rather clear that there "seemed" to be a mutual attraction between both of us.  In fairness to him, he was in the middle of a rather contentious divorce and all over the map.  This past October we got together a few times and it was very nice.  We wrote via email several times a day, many involved deeply personal thoughts and feelings about our lives and the world at large. He never, ever called but always texted, which I found to be odd but I accepted that it was just his style.  In November we started a sexual relationship (which only happened like 4 times).  The day "after" the sexual relationship began, he picked a rather odd fight about being confused but then also sent me roses--this was very confusing.  There was a 2 week gap where we did not speak.  Then, he offered to help me with a computer issue and confessed that he missed me and wanted to see me.  We started to see each other again.  I attributed all of this "confusion" to him being in the middle of a divorce (which was about to conclude).  We didn't spend much time physically together as we would make plans and he canceled the plans 98% (no exaggeration) of the time.  Regardless of the lack of seeing each other for traditional dates or actually talking on the phone, we exchanged a tremendous amount of emails and text messages.  I was rather smitten with this man as he is incredibly bright, accomplished, has a good career, what I thought to be good integrity and character.  So, I continued to make excuses for the "lack" that was ever-so-present in the non-defined relationship. 

There was a time where he started to tell me that he was incapable of being in a relationship.  Then, two days later, after he learned that another man might be pursuing me he sent me a note that said, "Okay, I am yours.  I don't want to lose you."  Naively, I took this as a wake up call that maybe I would no longer be taken for granted.  However, it was as-if it was never stated and we went back to being pen pals.  At the end of December, I spent the night at his apartment for the first time and when we were lying in bed he looked at me as said "This just feels so right."  It melted my heart.  He also told me that he was a "hard case" and that "learning to trust again was difficult, he was having a hard time allowing himself to love again, but that he was confident that 'it would come.'"  I just got through the holidays but did not see him as his children were in town.  Right after New Year's I spent the night again and the next morning he was almost frantic as-if he couldn't wait for me to leave his apartment.  Nothing had happened, we just simply woke up.  I was leaving but apparently he had things to do and I was holding him up for 5 minutes.  At this point, he started to tell me that he didn't know if he should "speed up" or "slow down" our relationship.  He also mentioned that despite me being wonderful that in his mind (which he characterized as feeling rather Schizophrenic--not actually but just a descriptor) I was either "heaven" or "hell."  He was still undecided.   He also admitted that he knew that he was blowing "hot" and then "cold."  However, when I said to him that his behavior was confusing / maddening that I didn't know if he was drawing close or pulling away he said he wasn't doing either.  These statements just don't add up--I was even more confused.  Then, he said that he simply was not going to be okay in the head until his divorce was final--I understood.  I attempted to hold on very loosely but I did fall in love with him and I made the mistake of telling him that I had fallen in love with him.  He was almost outraged.  His response was when did this happen?  How did this happen? Why did this happen?  I thought this to be an extremely cold and off remark by someone that I had "thought" I had gotten to know over the past year.  This is especially true when he had already said to me "I am falling for you." Total mind swirl.  During the first week of January was his birthday, I got him a birthday present that I actually had shipped from Italy.  When I gave it to him his first response was "oh great, now I have to get you something for your birthday."  I was heartbroken.  I said, well, I am giving you this gift for your birthday but it isn't with strings -- it is simply a kind gesture with no agenda.  During the "day" of his birthday, I took the day off of work, took lunch over to his apartment (with his favorite foods), and it was fairly light.  After lunch, he embraced my shoulders and literally steered me into his bedroom as if he was driving a car.  I should have said, what the heck is that approach but I didn't.  Immediately after having sex, he started with the nervous behavior and acting as-if I needed to leave as he was having dinner with his "mother."  He has a very, very close relationship with his mother.  At one point, he confessed that he had always been his mother's "surrogate spouse."  I got the ick when he said it but I have witnessed it.  Anyway, he was having birthday dinner with his mother so I needed to leave.  So, I left.  My birthday was 5 days later.  I didn't get so much as a text message about my birthday.  While I didn't need some big celebration, this complete disregard for my birthday was one of the biggest turning points for me as it hit me as completely insensitive.  2 days later he came to my office as-if nothing had happened.  Normally, when we say goodbye we kiss; however, I was still thinking about the day of his birthday, his comment about his present, his disregard for my birthday, so I didn't kiss him and just gave him a friendly thumbs-up goodbye. Not like a jerk but more like a slowing things down message.  We didn't speak for several weeks.  During this absence, he sent me a note telling me that I was "hot enough, smart enough, caring enough" as if my credentials were being classified as worthy or not worthy.  I just didn't even comment.  Then, a day later he sent me a note telling me that I was "radiant and that we both had very bright futures."  When I responded, he never responded back to my note.  In fact, these were the only times that the conversation ever had anything to do with me or my life as the bulk of all of the conversations had to do with his divorce, his mother, his children, his suffering, his job, his ____.  Anytime I would attempt to vent or discuss something to do with me or my little world, he would simply ignore it as if he were deaf.  Like it was never spoken. 4 days later, I received an email from him telling me that he was "incapable of sustaining adult relationships." He said I am placing an emphasis on "sustaining."  I didn't know what to think as I was totally invested with my heart in this man. I have to admit that I blew a screw and sent him an email that I now regret.  It essentially said this relationship is not healthy for me as you have not demonstrated any ability to reciprocate, you cancel plans, we never see each other, you don't call, you don't ask about me or my life, you aren't there for me, and this entire thing is totally screwing with my psyche.  His response was well I told you that I couldn't be in a relationship, your ego is just hurt, if you are worried about your "hotness" that isn't a concern.  If you want to take it as a rejection, then, yes, I am rejecting you.  Leave me alone.  That was the extent of his communication.  We didn't talk for several weeks.  I was a mess.  Then, the day "after" Valentine's day, he sent me a note asking me to meet him at a park on President's day and that we would play basketball and have a picnic, he even mentioned that I should bring my dog.  After having soo many cancellations, I didn't put much stock in this little adventure but I went.  I left my dog at home.  I showed up dressed to play basketball but it ended up being me watching him play basketball and he seemed a little off balance when I retrieved the ball like I wasn't going to give it back. (I should mention that this man is 50 years old).  Then, after watching him play basketball, I was waiting to see what he had done for the picnic.  Nothing.  It was as-if he had never mentioned it.  I asked him if he wanted to go eat something and he was like I guess so but I have to leave early enough to meet my mother.  We took "separate" cars as if I was going to kidnap him.  Really?  When we were at the restaurant, I had told him about a neat little park that he would like. After lunch, I said hey I want to show you that park (which was about 1/2 mile away) so jump in my car.  Once again, he looked at me like he was going to be kidnapped.  I haven't a clue about what that was about.  I asked him if he wanted to take his car to his apartment and drop it off and then run to the park.  It was clear that he was avoiding having me as his apartment as-if he I was going to take advantage of him (which I think was backlash for me giving him thumbs up the month prior).  I couldn't have cared less but the behavior was so strange.  Not that this has much to do with it but I am not an unattractive woman who he used to almost obsessively stare at in the beginning, back when he called me "captivating." This was the last time that I actually saw him in person.  The last time that we had sex was on this birthday after he steered me into his bedroom. 

At any rate, after our luncheon at the park I returned him to his car and was leaning up against my car.  He stared at me like I was just beautiful and then said "we need to stay in touch" and then circled his hand like he meant physically, as a couple, stay in touch.  I just smiled, said ya think, and got into my car.  The entire day was bizarre.  We didn't speak for days.  I actually sent him an email asking him if the park date was supposed to be a goodbye and he said no is that how you took it.  I said, well, it wasn't a hello and I am totally confused lately.  A week later he was cutting ties with me, retrieving his items, and basically giving me the accelerated fade without saying the words.  I haven't a clue what happened but I hadn't done a thing.  I finally sent him an email saying if you ever want to truly invest in a relationship you know where to find me but this is just not healthy.  Maybe one day in the future.  Take good care of yourself.  His divorce (the big excuse for all of his agony - despite being separated for 2 years) was finalized at the beginning of March.  He sent me a text.  I said congratulations, I am happy for you and that you accomplished your goal.  I was being sincere.  Regardless, he sent me a note saying that his "goal" was freedom.  I said, well good, you have your freedom.  Several days later he sent me a note thanking me for investing in him during his divorce but that he and his mother had decided that he was in no shape to date.  I was perplexed as I had already said this isn't healthy good luck to you.  However, the underlying trend throughout this "relationship" of 5-6 months of "dating" was him acting as if he was the grand prize and I was the desperate woman that was attempting to trap him.  The opposite is actually true as I have been single for 14 years, I am a professional woman, I have my own business, I have my own house, I just thought that we had something special (until he spent screwy).  At this point, he mentioned "maybe we can be best friends."  I didn't know what to make of that comment.  I just didn't comment at all and he didn't respond.  I sent him a few encouraging notes for the next week.  Then, around the 3rd week of March he had a bit of a meltdown and I offered to go spend time with him as it seemed to be really, really bad depression.  We made plans for me to go to his apartment.  Of course, at the last minute he canceled.  The following week his children were in town.  The next week I asked if he still wanted me to come over with the movie that I had purchased and he sent me an email stating that he was "focusing on himself, his mother, and his job."  That was the LAST communication that I received from him back on April 7th.  I sent him a note saying that I was completely confused as while our romantic relationship didn't work I thought we had the makings of a decent friendship and that I didn't understand the complete severance but that I would respect it and not contact him anymore.

It has been almost a month and I have not made any attempts to contact him and he hasn't' contacted me.  I am very hurt, I feel as-if I was used or taken advantage of or lied to or strung along or manipulated or whatever the heck this was.  I have never experienced anything so strange in my life.  I have spun this around in my head about 5,000 ways.  I truly did have feelings for this man and I realize that it wasn't going to work as there was something really wrong. However, the way that he just disappeared or discarded me took on the flavor as if there was something wrong with me and he needed to escape.  I have to tell you that while I am far, far, far for anything resembling perfect, I don't play with people's hearts and I don't have a personality disorder.  BUT, I can tell you that I have almost convinced myself that maybe I am the nutty one.  There is just no explanation for any of this and my therapist summed it up when she said this: (1) he is broken; (2) you didn't break him;

So, after reading all of this can anyone give me feedback or explain or comment of this sequence of events?  Also, can you comment on the feeling like you are the one with the personality disorder when they are the ones that exact the odd behavior?  i am hanging by a thread as i can't sleep, eat, think, it's interfering with my work, and consumes my thoughts.  PLEASE give feedback if you have some to offer.

Thank you.  Olivia

[Vivienne]

Dear Olivia,

Let me start by saying I'm deeply sorry for all that has happened to you. I know from my own experience how much it hurts. Before I give you my feedback I'd like to highlight some of the things you've said about his behaviour:

He never, ever called but always texted, which I found to be odd but I accepted that it was just his style. [... .]

The day "after" the sexual relationship began, he picked a rather odd fight about being confused but then also sent me roses--this was very confusing.  There was a 2 week gap where we did not speak.  [... .]

We didn't spend much time physically together as we would make plans and he canceled the plans 98% (no exaggeration) of the time.  [... .]

There was a time where he started to tell me that he was incapable of being in a relationship.  [... .]

I made the mistake of telling him that I had fallen in love with him.  He was almost outraged.  His response was when did this happen?  How did this happen? Why did this happen?  [... .]

Anyway, he was having birthday dinner with his mother so I needed to leave.  So, I left.  My birthday was 5 days later.  I didn't get so much as a text message about my birthday.  [... .]

In fact, these were the only times that the conversation ever had anything to do with me or my life as the bulk of all of the conversations had to do with his divorce, his mother, his children, his suffering, his job, his ____.  Anytime I would attempt to vent or discuss something to do with me or my little world, he would simply ignore it as if he were deaf.  Like it was never spoken.

All I can say after reading this: What a #@%*** this man is!

His behaviour is not YOUR fault so please don't be harsh on yourself! EVER!

Let's assume just for a second that he is a normal guy. Maybe he feels attracted to you and really likes you but is not in love with you. Maybe he strings you along because he enjoys occassional "benefits" but would never seriously consider you as his future. He's just not emotionally ready. This can be the case with millions so called "normal" ladies and guys, who are just "not that into" the person they're dating. Knowing that, would you stick around just for those few moments of happiness? And wait for him to change his mind about you? (which by the way is never the case in such circumstances). Or is it better to kick him to the curb and find someone to whom you will become a deeply loved and respected life partner?

Assuming he is BPD (he doesn't have to be though, there are a lot of weird and wonderful cases out there) - run for your life and never look back. Seriously. This disorder hardly ever has anything to do with logic, empathy, common sense, real love and devotion. People like him (not only BPDs) are emotional leeches, they will drain you form all you can offer but won't give anything back. Won't even think about your needs! They may say things just to keep you around but from their behaviour it's clear they don't mean it.

Try to detach from your emotions and look at this situation like a stranger would. Would you like your best friend to have a partner like him? If not, why do you tolerate his horrible behaviour towards you? And it truly is horrible, heartless and disrespectful. I can see no love there, sorry. As you said, you are successful and good looking (his own words), so why not give yourself a chance for an honest, good and constructive relationship? He's offering you all but that. Being with him (or rather around him) will only make you bitter, unhappy, depressed and questioning your self worth. Besides, you would constantly be THE OTHER woman - he's already seriously committed to his mum, LOL.

It's good that you now have no contact. For your own sake, keep it that way. Be glad that you two are not living together or sharing anything, or anyone, like kids, it would be much harder to let him go. All the best, keep fighting until the pain is gone, time will heal your wounds and you will love and be loved again. My heart goes out to you!

[Olivia_D]

Thank you Vivienne. The bits and pieces over time gave me and odd off balance feeling. This is the first time I wrote down the tragic chronology of events--it makes me nauseous to see everything put together. In fact, I am embarrassed that I followed the crumb trail. What was I thinking? I think the biggest recovery will be trusting my own judgment in the future as I allowed this mess to continue. It's obvious that my brain had a vacation. My fear is that when his mother passes he will hunt me down. She's not so healthy and I am a softy. I am afraid of being a sap with someone playing the pity card.  I've contemplated moving my office! Now I am just fearful of the when he attempts. Maybe he won't at all but the possibility scares me.

[patientandclear]

Olivia, so much of what you wrote could be a transcript from my own recent relationship, including the anger at me telling him I loved him, the urgent need for me to leave his apartment, anxiety about driving with me, anxiety about the obligation created by receiving a gift (or even by me paying for his coffee!), aversion to having me in his apartment.

I would differ a little bit from the earlier comment about how he is a jerk.  If (as it sounds) he suffers from BPD, he is affected by some compulsive emotional reactions that he really doesn't have much choice about.  Everything he told you confirms it.  There's a terrific article on this site that helps explain what happens for pwBPD:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/why-we-struggle-in-relationships

Super hard stuff to deal with.

 

[Olivia_D]

Patient and Clear, Thank you.  It's like entering into the Twilight Zone.  I don't see him as a jerk, I see him as a person that has some serious, serious issues that will likely follow him throughout his life.  The way that he attempted to "date" me or whatever that was is just so bizarre.  I was just a temporary guest to the madness but he has to live there and that is very sad.

[OnceConfused]

PatientandClear:

Trust your intuition. What does it tell you? Listen to it.

It took me a long time to listen to my intuition because BPD made me confused, one moment we were soul mate, next moment we were breaking up. Not just one, but almost weekly.

So many strange behaviors or comments from my xBPDgf that I initially ignored (probably because I was infatuated). The confusion got so severe that I had to seek professional Therapy , during which BPD was pointed out to me by the T. That was when I began to seek CLARITY for my thoughts by reading more and more about BPD. The book "stop walking on eggshells" did clarify all of my suspicions.

One thing that I did, similarly to what you have done here, was writing a note to myself, in chronological order about what happened. That really helped me gain clarity about the whole situation and that I was in way over my head with BPD. With that I began to plan my exit strategy. After about 2 months of seeing therapist, praying and listening to motivational tape, I was able to muster my courage to say GOODBYE.  Eight years later that was the best decision I made.

You have to leave the relationship as a victor by pulling the trigger first. Then you won't have to deal with the doubts and the what ifs. If you let him pull the trigger then you will NEVER have the closure. Your mind will be going around with crazy thoughts like what if I can do this or that, what if and what if... .

Based on what you wrote, I can see several huge red flags:

1. An grown man of age 50 seems to hide behind his mother for decisions - it is kind of weird.

2. Too many silence days between communications. If he was truly into you , then you would see a  much more consistent communications. It seems like he might have too many doubts or fears about the  R/S with you.

3. Too many cancellations of your dates with him. If he cares enough about being with you then he should have made time or at least stick to the dates. Technically, a date is when 2 people try to get to know each other by doing things together. It does not sound like he wants to be with you, 

Try this technique which helped me see things in a more logical fashion. On a piece of paper, draw a line in the middle and label each side "positive" and "negative". Then in each column write down all the points you see as positive or negative about HIM and the RELATION SHIP. Having done that, you will begin to see what your intuition had told you all along. If the negatives list is longer than the positive list then you will know what to do NEXT - GET OUT & MOVE ON.

Good luck

[Hawk Ridge]

As so many of us can say... .you just told my story - the last minute cancellations, the mood swings, the push pull, the putting their family first. Mine talked of marriage and then talked if the inability or lack of desire to be in a relarionship.  She left me "to be alone" and then was with my replacement within 2 months.  Since they have been together, she has texted and emailed me, saying I was precious yet when I saw her yesterday, somewhat distant disdain.  She too wanted to be friends.  She doesn't have any and now i see why.  Does he have friends?  I have many and this is not how we treat each other. I would not accept this from a friend and yet I do from her.  Shame on me. I threw her a 50th birthday party like she has never had. She left me and cancelled our international trip to celebrate it three days before my 50th birthday. As I said, you wrote of all of our experiences and when I read it, it helps me counter my denial and self blame. That said, it is awesome you are seeing a therapist. It helps. I have been working on reducing the trauma and ruminations, much of it due to the crazy making merry go round thinking.  EMDR has helped a lot.  Good health to you - you are not alone - you are among friends.

[Olivia_D]

It does not sound like he wants to be with you, 

Once Confused, in retrospect when you add it all up that seems to be the case.  Maybe he just wasn’t that into you is a prevalent theme in my ruminations.  Part of what runs through my mind is that maybe he was just being “nice” and he really wasn’t that into me.  Maybe I was the dumb girl that didn’t get it.  Maybe all of the signs were there but I just looked the other way.  Maybe he’s perfectly healthy and I had a hard time not pursuing a relationship?  Maybe I was the problem?  Maybe he just wasn’t ready for a relationship?  I could have handled him saying that you are a nice girl but I don’t want a relationship with you.  I wear big girl panties and he didn’t need to let it linger.  I would have simply stopped trying.  I would have moved on.  I would have respected his decision.  So, maybe he was the nice guy and I couldn’t handle rejection.  These are some of the things that run through my mind when I am spinning it in 5.000 directions. 

Does he have friends?  I have many and this is not how we treat each other. I would not accept this from a friend and yet I do from her.

Hawk, he never, ever mentioned a friend.  He spends all of his time with his Mother. He is an only child and never had brothers or sisters and no mention of any friends.  He has been his Mother's spouse since he was about 8-9 years old.  It's almost that glazed look of "yes, Mother" in the way that he interacts with her.  Shivers.  I don't know.  The more I know, the less I understand.

[Vivienne]

I would differ a little bit from the earlier comment about how he is a jerk.  If (as it sounds) he suffers from BPD, he is affected by some compulsive emotional reactions that he really doesn't have much choice about. 

So are pedophiles and psychopaths who kill people for pleasure. Please stop justifying abuse. Just because it's BPD doesn't make this guy's actions less hurtful and destructive.

[cosmonaut]

So are pedophiles and psychopaths who kill people for pleasure. Please stop justifying abuse. Just because it's BPD doesn't make this guy's actions less hurtful and destructive.

It's a good point that bad behavior is bad behavior, and abuse is abuse.  You are so right, Vivienne, that we should not allow ourselves (or our children/others) to suffer abuse.   

However, we also should maintain a balanced view of BPD.  pwBPD are not sociopaths and they do not take pleasure in destroying us.  They are behaving as they do in a desperate attempt to save themselves from overwhelming emotional pain.  pwBPD are like a drowning person.  A drowning person is in such a state of panic that they will crawl on top of a lifeguard trying to save them.  It's not because they enjoy hurting the person trying to help them.  It's because they are so desperate to save themselves, that they can't see anything else but trying to breathe.  I know this can be hard to see when we are so hurting.  We often have tremendous anger at our partners (I did), and that is very natural.  But, the reality is that our partner was not seeking to destroy us.  They were simply trying to save themselves in the only way they knew how.

That doesn't mean we should tolerate the abuse.  It doesn't mean we should allow them to climb on top of us while they are drowning.  We can, and should, protect ourselves.  That's an excellent point, Vivienne.

[patientandclear]

I would differ a little bit from the earlier comment about how he is a jerk.  If (as it sounds) he suffers from BPD, he is affected by some compulsive emotional reactions that he really doesn't have much choice about.

So are pedophiles and psychopaths who kill people for pleasure. Please stop justifying abuse. Just because it's BPD doesn't make this guy's actions less hurtful and destructive.

Vivienne, the reason I stressed that he may not be a jerk, is that that framework is confusing and unhelpful when our deep interior knowledge of the other person is that he is NOT a jerk.  If the recipe for protecting one's self requires believiing that the BPD partner is a "jerk," but that doesn't resonate and you actually know he is not that, it can be very hard to maintain a self-protective path.

I have protected myself from my ex's hurtful behaviors without (mostly!) invoking the idea that he is a jerk.  I have to protect myself even though he is a mostly good person who is trying hard and making some strides toward being more responsible toward others.  That is a sustainable mental and emotional position for me.

I'm a survivor of a seriously emotionally and physically abusive r/ship with someone who is not my BPDex.  I couldn't agree more about not tolerating abuse.  But the way to remove oneself from abuse is not necessarily to paint the person hurting you black.  Such stances often fail, because things are actually more complicated.

In this case, Olivia's guy more than many people with BPD seems to have tried to explain his own messed up interior reality to her.  He didn't choose it.  She doesn't have to stay with him or indulge hurtful behaviors.  But he is a real person who apparently lacks skills to ride out his very very very difficult feelings. One reason why this is so painful is that she knows he is more than a jerk and she is right.

[apollotech]

Olivia,

"The day "after" the sexual relationship began, he picked a rather odd fight about being confused but then also sent me roses--this was very confusing.  There was a 2 week gap where we did not speak.  Then, he offered to help me with a computer issue and confessed that he missed me and wanted to see me.  We started to see each other again."

That is textbook push/pull. He pushed after the intimacy because of his fear of engulfment, and then pulled regarding your absence because of his fear of abandonment. There is no comfortable middle ground with a pwBPD, only the two extreme ends of the spectrum. My BPDexgf displayed the same behavior as your exSO. She would always start a fight after intimacy, over a trivial matter, and blow us apart. Then, almost on cue, she'd come back. This particular craziness of her's wrecked me emotionally as this was the only relationship that I had ever been in where intimacy was a bad thing. It went against everything that I had ever experienced/known regarding intimate/loving relationships; it was like someone trying to convince me that the sun isn't radiantly bright or soothingly warm.