Withholding affection and sex

[Weno]

Is it common for a BPD partner to suddenly switch off sex? We were fine two weeks ago. Now it suddenly won't work. He claims there is no one else. Is this a common type of manipulative behaviour? I believe he is trying to manipulate me.

[vortex of confusion]

I know that it is common for there to be sexual issues within a relationship with somebody with BPD. There have been quite a few threads about this topic.

It could be that he is trying to manipulate you. Or, it could be that there is more going on.

How old is your husband? Men, like women, have ups and downs with regards to their libido. My husband is a sex addict and has opened up to me about some things. One of the things that he has told me is that there have been times when it was like a switch inside him was flipped. When the switch was one way, he had zero desire for sex. When it was flipped the other way, all he wanted was sex.

[Samuel S.]

It could be manipulation. It could be something else. Whatever the cause may be, it is a way to control, and it is a question of not only physical intimacy, but also emotional intimacy issues. He just may be afraid to be so intimate, that it is supposedly best for him to stop being physically intimate.

Under the circumstances, it might be a good idea to help him relax and to eventually discuss what is going on with him. You might even wish to explain how this makes you feel. After all, you are the one who is being neglected, and intimacy is a major part of any relationship. If he can't or won't do this, it is suggested you see a T for yourself and to encourage your SO to go. If not, you need to see a T by yourself, instead.

My BPDw told me some 8 years ago that she thought herself as being my daughter during intimacy. That immediately turned me off. We now kiss hello and goodbye and rarely hug. This was her way to stop intimacy, and it hurts like heck not to have the intimacy that we did have. Now, she has basically replaced our intimacy with being busy. Ultimately, she is afraid of intimacy.

[jcarter4856]

Is it common for a BPD partner to suddenly switch off sex? We were fine two weeks ago. Now it suddenly won't work. He claims there is no one else. Is this a common type of manipulative behaviour? I believe he is trying to manipulate me.

Yes, although the BPD behavior tends to be more subtle and convoluted than simple manipulation. There will be 3-4 layers to it when you finally figure out what's going on.

The kicker is that if he's like my pwBPD once this is all over he will tell you that you stopped wanting sex for three weeks, and how you were to bad and hurtful to have done such a terrible thing and he has been lying awake for the past three weeks wondering how you could be so cold and unfeeling as to have not had sex with him that whole time.