Why did you discard your ex?

[Lifewriter16]

I've been reading the thread 'Why did your ex discard you?' and I thought I might go for a bit of balance since my actions were a very significant factor in my relationship ending.

Why did I discard my ex?

Things about him

• He's unemployed and a compulsive shopper who can not manage his own money. I couldn't trust him to ever have any money. I couldn't trust him with my money. I think I'd end up supporting him but I can barely support myself.



• He creates chaos with his wife over access and maintenance. His says his wife subjected him to domestic abuse and his father is a sociopath who hospitalised him when he was two years old. I don't know whether any of this is true, but I don't think I can live my life connected to his violent family if it is.



• I am scared of his potential for violence. He was a criminal record for threatening his wife with a knife.



• I am scared of his BPD and the impact that would have on me.



• He threatens to dump me regularly which triggers my insecurity.

Things about me

• I am scared that when he says he loves me, he really only means he needs me and so I am in this relationship on my own.



• I am terrified that he will leave me if I give my love to him completely.



• When we get close, we get so close that I feel completely overwhelmed by the intensity of my emotions. Afterwards, I find that I want to run away from him.



• The pain of separation that I feel when we are not together is ridiculous.



• I am terrified he will hurt me and leave me completely broken.



• I am concerned that I do not have the capacity to learn to control my reactions to enable our relationship to work better.

Other factors

• My children do not like him.



• I can not see how we can build a life together practically.

Sounds like a lot of fear ... .So why did you discard your ex?

[enlighten me]

I just had enough of the constant put downs. How nothing I did was ever right even if it was her idea. I had enough of feeling like I was losing my mind. Knowing that she had said one thing then denied it led me to start doubting my sanity.

[Olivia_D]

Rollercoasters make me nauseous.  He's like a human carnival and the rollercoaster ride and warped hall of mirrors was just too mind bending for me.  Life is too short to be this tormented by someone that I sincerely loved.  My ability to love and bond does not morph him into a healthy person.  It is sad to let go of someone that you love but when it is destroying your psyche, tearing down your self-esteem / self-respect, instilling anxiety / insecurity, et cetera then it is either time to let go or be dragged.  I just can't allow someone to actively destroy me--there is nothing loving about that.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi there,

Thanks for your messages.

Olivia - Your avatar is of great significance to my exBPDbf who wanted me to rescue him just as Tinkerbell drank the poison intended for Peter Pan. It was quite an issue for us.

Well done to you both for finding the strength to look after yourself.

Lifewriter

[Olivia_D]

Yes, Peter Pan was the little boy that never grows up.  He lives in Neverland and his friends are the "Lost Boys."  Peter Pan's fascination with Wendy is what broke Tinkerbell's heart and she flew back to Pixie Hollow to become a workaholic. 

[apollotech]

Without going into all of the reasons (all of the typical BPD behaviors posted over and over again on these boards) that I eventually walked away from the relationship with my BPDexgf, the basic reason was that I finally accepted the fact that there would never be any peace with her. Her entire life revolved around chaos and disarray. Where it didn't previously exist, she created it. I couldn't be exposed to that constant instability anymore. That was the deciding factor for me. It hurt me terribly to walk away, but I knew that I had to do it.

[going places]

So why did you discard your ex?

To show the kids what he brought to the table was abnormal, and abusive.

To break the cycle of abuse.

To heal, and come back to the beautiful, healthy person I once was.

To get away from his lies, deceptions, and addictions.

To stop the daily bad example he was setting in front of the kids.

I do not have to walk on eggshells in my own home. I do not have to worry about the tempter tantrums, the pouting, and the silent treatment. I am not groped and viewed as a piece of meat. I am not manipulated, I am not living a life of lies made to look like reality; and I am no longer gas lit, talked to like a dog, or treated like a sex slave.

Reminding myself whenever I get that "I miss this, or our future plans were this, or he's w/ someone new doing what we were supposed to be doing"... .reminding myself it was all lies, and how suffocatingly abusive that relationship WAS!

And now, I am free.

I chose my own course now.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi folks

It's lovely to read your posts. In our own ways, all of us are exercising radical acceptance and taking action to look after ourselves in what we consider to be the most appropriate ways.

Personally, I am in the process of learning to accept that the person I fell in love with was a construct of my own imagination and as such, the person that I miss, doesn't exist. I am struggling to see my BPDxbf as he actually is rather than how I wanted him to be, which is ironic because I spent the last few days of our relationship telling him that he didn't 'see' me, now I realise that I didn't 'see' him either. I have a lot of black and white thinking myself because it's a characteristic of asperger's syndrome as well as BPD and the pain I'm going through to try and find the middle ground, to integrate the extremes, feels overwhelming today. If this is the kind of emotional work necessary to overcome BPD, I am not surprised that so few people heal from it. I am finding it so painful.

It seems to me that wisdom is learnt in trying circumstances. My relationship with my BPDxbf has been both terrible and tremendous: terrible in the level of pain it has triggered and tremendous in the amount of healing that is emerging from it.

With my very best wishes

Lifewriter

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, You have cited many good reasons for "discarding" your BPD Ex.  For me, I think it was physical and mental exhaustion from the constant stress of walking in a mine field with my BPDxW.  I tried as hard as I could for as long as I could, until there was nothing left in the tank.  I used up all my reserves.  It was not so much a decision as an acceptance of reality.  One time, my T asked me if I thought I had tried everything?  I said, Yes.  She said, I think so, too.  That about summed it up for me!  LuckyJim

[LeonVa]

Even though I was tired of the roller coaster and the whole walking on the eggshell experiences, I still thought it was manageable.

Then she called police with false allegations that I threaten her and after police left, I realized that she truly honestly believed what she felt was real even though it didn't happen. If she was just lying, that's another issue, but this is far worst than lying.

I suddenly realized that she was delusional in a serious way and if I stayed any longer, I might not be so lucky the next time around.

I had to leave for my own sake.

[Kaster21]

I left because when I caught her cheating she told her family, friends, and co-workers that I physically and mentally abused her which isn't true. She kept putting me in no win situations so she didn't leave me much of a choice. I also left because of the lies, deception, and the multitude of guys she cheated on me with. It hurts to know I was treated like that and that she would hide such things from me but I'll know I'll be fine. She's going to continue to live in chaos until she gets the help she needs. The pain is excruciating but I know God will get me through it and heal me to what I once was. I also know I deserve better than what she could ever give me.

[felix22]

My xBPD would physically attack others. They would say one thing, then do something totally different, frequently. They put me in positions of being threatened, actually being harmed, and quite possibly becoming metaphorically enslaved. They are too scared to take the necessary risks involved with sharing truthfully. My xBPD hinted to others that they would willingly betray me. This person minimally cared for and somewhat neglected their children's needs. They needed others to supply many of their basic needs. While often seeking sympathy for their struggles, they were very non-understanding of other's. As someone in a previous reply said, they created chaos where there was none. They often reached unnecessary decibels while communicating. They made strides at taking my reputation and whittling it away. They would not reciprocate efforts to share time together.

[Indiegrl]

Why did I discard my ex?

I need to vent, so here goes:

I feel that I never have never ever given so much to any boyfriend: Never been so ready to adjust myself, never felt so much respect for a man, never been more forgiving and pleasing and truly dedicated in any previous relationship. But his experience is that I am not willing to change, not willing to sacrifice for the relationship, not willing to adjust my "bad coping strategies" for the sake of our relationship/ future/ happiness. He tells me, indirectly, that he is very disappointed in me, that he is angry with himself for believing (in) me in the beginning; he trusted me then, but there are things with me and how I am that makes it almost impossible for him to trust me.

I did grow sick of the way he put intentions in my actions - intentions which were not there. He thinks I am on a chronic hunt for approval and attention from other men, and he writes long analyzes and arguments for showing the truth of this. I do not recognize myself in this (and neither do my friends), a fact he simply avoids by psychoanalyzing me, concluding that I do not even know that I am doing it.

I am tired of being psychoanalyzed. Never thought I was going to say that, because I have enjoyed his intense attention in me; finally a boyfriend who really wants to know me and the deepest layers in my soul, wow! What a kick. But it's no kick anymore, I feel like he is "taking over" my story, telling it in a way that signals: This is the truth! I do not like his lack of doubt or careful hesitation when telling my story. He is almost starting to scare me a bit on this one, it seems like he actually believes he knows me better than I do myself. No f... .way he does!

I do not like the way he paints these pictures (of me, us, the relationship, the past, the future), because there is absolutely no room for my version of the story in them. That scares me as well.

I got tired of the drama. If things that either didn't happen at all, or just were small, everyday incidents could cause so much drama and anger, what would happen if I really did a bad mistake some time during the rest of our lives? Seeing this perspective, I felt like things were doomed: The ability to work through real tough issues - I do not believe it was there in our relationship. Because I do have a tendency to get defensive as a first reaction, I admit I'm not the best at validating (understatement).

The pressure. The overall pressure - it's too much. I did my very best, full-time demanding job, two kids, a house - it's stressful enough. Ok, he was a brilliant boyfriend in so many ways, but oh so very needy. And growingly demanding. I do have problems with that. In my opinion you cannot demand anything from your partner.

Following his demanding behaviour is the punishment when (not if, but when) I didn't succeed. I am so relieved now that I do not have to tip-toe around anymore, being constantly on the alert for "what have I done wrong this time".

This is crucial: Not being able to no longer use my inner compass, my inner voice - because that couldn't provide the understanding necessary to prevent my actions from hurting him. Ugh. Rationally I knew all along that this was more his problem than mine, but I kept on trying. Tried to take extra care of, tried to be extra considerate and understanding, tried to adjust as best at I could - and then some. And that is the road towards a final discarding... .

I do not think I came to the point were I felt resentment towards him, anger yes, but not resentment. But resentment towards myself, for adjusting too much, for adjusting things I knew were not harmful or potentially so, just to keep him happy - that is - I did allow myself to be pressured - that created resentment towards myself. My take on this is that the things you give because you felt pressured to do it, that's not really giving. That's complying, and doesn't belong in a healthy and mature relationship. I did try to talk about this with him several times, that he had to stop pressuring me for things, because that would lead to no good. He would not listen, could not acknowledge this point at all, he mocked the idea as being some "immature and quasi-liberalistic stuff not suitable for relations filled with family obligations".


* I hate to be punished. Okey if I really did something bad, but hey, I didn't! It was all in your head!

* I hate being falsely accused of things I didn't do or never would do!

* I hate being interrogated about my thoughts and my past.

* I don't like being told who I am, for instance that I am not open, and that I avoid everything difficult - simply not the truth, on the opposite, I should try to hold back sometimes, I tend to be oversharing more than withholding, I am absolutely on the blue/ pessimistic/ negative side - I should avoid those negative ruminations of mine.

* I hate that curiousity about the outside world (everything else besides the relationships and family, that is... .other people, social happenings, dinner parties, theatre, travel, politics, culture, etc etc) was being subjected to suspicion. Come on, there are no threats there - these are the stuff fueling the relationship - and I did not crave this much at all, only I tiny bit - I do prefer the family life over the outer sociality - but I need both in order to feel like myself!

* I got so tired of not being trusted! So silly, so downright stupid not to trust me! I had eyes for him only. I was both addicted and growingly "afraid" of normal contact with other men.

* I'm so sick of being blamed. Everything is my fault. All bad stems from me. Yuk.

* I got really tired of having no space at all. I need space. Mentally. I need to be only me. I need to have space to think, to reflect, to feel - only being me. I had zero space and still was criticized for not giving enough to the relationship.

* I miss my friends.

* I miss being social.



I want quality of life. That means: No drama about small things. It means no emotional punishments. It means having a partner that still believes your true persona is good even if you disagree or even fight. It means to be trusted. It means to always relax. And to state your thoughts, emotions and opinions without the fear of being punished for it.

I've come to realize that I have grown up in a highly invalidating (but not abusive!) home. I do not know validating. I need to practice, I need to rehearse. I need to understand better what it is and how to do it. I think I have understood the point of it!   Too me it seems counterintuitive to validate when someone accuses me of wrongdoing... .when someone says: You hurt me (be calling an hour later than you should!), my system is set to answer: I haven't done anything wrong, that is your problem, not my fault you got your expectations wrong, stop blaming me.

Well, for the first time I can see how this is not helping anyone   . But oh, learning to do the other way to respond... .ugh... .difficult. I would flunk the first exam, I know!

But in hindsight: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a intensely loaded relationship with a toxic fuel and gas steaming from it. Lucky good times, a gorgeous man, as long as our needs overlapped, but hello to the negative effects of toxins, welcome Mr. Hyde as the overlap wasn't complete, when I started to degrade and disappoint, the giving and loving turned into suspicion, distrust, interrogation, aggressiveness, extreme amounts of critiquing and blaming. That's unstable. It's not healthy. It's not sustainable.

This is too long, I know, I just needed to write it down. Thanx.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Indiegrl,

We all need to vent. It does us a world of good. Sometimes when I post, I find myself sitting and sobbing as I release the pain knowing I am no longer alone with it. It's good for my soul and moves me one step closer to wholeness, so vent away.

Lifewriter

xx

[Kaster21]

Why did I discard my ex?

I need to vent, so here goes:

I feel that I never have never ever given so much to any boyfriend: Never been so ready to adjust myself, never felt so much respect for a man, never been more forgiving and pleasing and truly dedicated in any previous relationship. But his experience is that I am not willing to change, not willing to sacrifice for the relationship, not willing to adjust my "bad coping strategies" for the sake of our relationship/ future/ happiness. He tells me, indirectly, that he is very disappointed in me, that he is angry with himself for believing (in) me in the beginning; he trusted me then, but there are things with me and how I am that makes it almost impossible for him to trust me.

I did grow sick of the way he put intentions in my actions - intentions which were not there. He thinks I am on a chronic hunt for approval and attention from other men, and he writes long analyzes and arguments for showing the truth of this. I do not recognize myself in this (and neither do my friends), a fact he simply avoids by psychoanalyzing me, concluding that I do not even know that I am doing it.

I am tired of being psychoanalyzed. Never thought I was going to say that, because I have enjoyed his intense attention in me; finally a boyfriend who really wants to know me and the deepest layers in my soul, wow! What a kick. But it's no kick anymore, I feel like he is "taking over" my story, telling it in a way that signals: This is the truth! I do not like his lack of doubt or careful hesitation when telling my story. He is almost starting to scare me a bit on this one, it seems like he actually believes he knows me better than I do myself. No f... .way he does!

I do not like the way he paints these pictures (of me, us, the relationship, the past, the future), because there is absolutely no room for my version of the story in them. That scares me as well.

I got tired of the drama. If things that either didn't happen at all, or just were small, everyday incidents could cause so much drama and anger, what would happen if I really did a bad mistake some time during the rest of our lives? Seeing this perspective, I felt like things were doomed: The ability to work through real tough issues - I do not believe it was there in our relationship. Because I do have a tendency to get defensive as a first reaction, I admit I'm not the best at validating (understatement).

The pressure. The overall pressure - it's too much. I did my very best, full-time demanding job, two kids, a house - it's stressful enough. Ok, he was a brilliant boyfriend in so many ways, but oh so very needy. And growingly demanding. I do have problems with that. In my opinion you cannot demand anything from your partner.

Following his demanding behaviour is the punishment when (not if, but when) I didn't succeed. I am so relieved now that I do not have to tip-toe around anymore, being constantly on the alert for "what have I done wrong this time".

This is crucial: Not being able to no longer use my inner compass, my inner voice - because that couldn't provide the understanding necessary to prevent my actions from hurting him. Ugh. Rationally I knew all along that this was more his problem than mine, but I kept on trying. Tried to take extra care of, tried to be extra considerate and understanding, tried to adjust as best at I could - and then some. And that is the road towards a final discarding... .

I do not think I came to the point were I felt resentment towards him, anger yes, but not resentment. But resentment towards myself, for adjusting too much, for adjusting things I knew were not harmful or potentially so, just to keep him happy - that is - I did allow myself to be pressured - that created resentment towards myself. My take on this is that the things you give because you felt pressured to do it, that's not really giving. That's complying, and doesn't belong in a healthy and mature relationship. I did try to talk about this with him several times, that he had to stop pressuring me for things, because that would lead to no good. He would not listen, could not acknowledge this point at all, he mocked the idea as being some "immature and quasi-liberalistic stuff not suitable for relations filled with family obligations".


* I hate to be punished. Okey if I really did something bad, but hey, I didn't! It was all in your head!

* I hate being falsely accused of things I didn't do or never would do!

* I hate being interrogated about my thoughts and my past.

* I don't like being told who I am, for instance that I am not open, and that I avoid everything difficult - simply not the truth, on the opposite, I should try to hold back sometimes, I tend to be oversharing more than withholding, I am absolutely on the blue/ pessimistic/ negative side - I should avoid those negative ruminations of mine.

* I hate that curiousity about the outside world (everything else besides the relationships and family, that is... .other people, social happenings, dinner parties, theatre, travel, politics, culture, etc etc) was being subjected to suspicion. Come on, there are no threats there - these are the stuff fueling the relationship - and I did not crave this much at all, only I tiny bit - I do prefer the family life over the outer sociality - but I need both in order to feel like myself!

* I got so tired of not being trusted! So silly, so downright stupid not to trust me! I had eyes for him only. I was both addicted and growingly "afraid" of normal contact with other men.

* I'm so sick of being blamed. Everything is my fault. All bad stems from me. Yuk.

* I got really tired of having no space at all. I need space. Mentally. I need to be only me. I need to have space to think, to reflect, to feel - only being me. I had zero space and still was criticized for not giving enough to the relationship.

* I miss my friends.

* I miss being social.



I want quality of life. That means: No drama about small things. It means no emotional punishments. It means having a partner that still believes your true persona is good even if you disagree or even fight. It means to be trusted. It means to always relax. And to state your thoughts, emotions and opinions without the fear of being punished for it.

I've come to realize that I have grown up in a highly invalidating (but not abusive!) home. I do not know validating. I need to practice, I need to rehearse. I need to understand better what it is and how to do it. I think I have understood the point of it!   Too me it seems counterintuitive to validate when someone accuses me of wrongdoing... .when someone says: You hurt me (be calling an hour later than you should!), my system is set to answer: I haven't done anything wrong, that is your problem, not my fault you got your expectations wrong, stop blaming me.

Well, for the first time I can see how this is not helping anyone   . But oh, learning to do the other way to respond... .ugh... .difficult. I would flunk the first exam, I know!

But in hindsight: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, a intensely loaded relationship with a toxic fuel and gas steaming from it. Lucky good times, a gorgeous man, as long as our needs overlapped, but hello to the negative effects of toxins, welcome Mr. Hyde as the overlap wasn't complete, when I started to degrade and disappoint, the giving and loving turned into suspicion, distrust, interrogation, aggressiveness, extreme amounts of critiquing and blaming. That's unstable. It's not healthy. It's not sustainable.

This is too long, I know, I just needed to write it down. Thanx.

Keep your head up I know it's hard. You just need to understand you did all you could. You just have to keep punching forward as hard as it may be. There is life after this I know it can be hard to see sometimes but it's there. You will meet a good person who fits you and who will love you as you should be loved. Turn to God in this time of need and ask for peace.